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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has announced that he is going to stay with MIL for a while, leaving me alone with DS

129 replies

ApplySomePressure · 23/01/2014 18:27

Just that really. Not even to my face, he sent a text during work.

History -We have a 10moDS. I teach Secondary, 4 days a week and DH works 5 days a week in the same school (non teaching though). DS is hard work, and we have had a miserable few months since I went back to work. We are shattered. DS does not sleep well.

We both suffer from MH issues - both on antidepressants and DH recently completed 4 years of counselling.

DH keeps telling me that he is not coping with being a Dad. I feel the same, it has been so hard recently. But I do just "get on with it" whereas DH cannot do this. DH gets extremely anxious when DS is stressing him out.

And that's why I think he has gone to stay with MIL. I'm not sure what I feel. I didn't speak to anyone at work about it (they all have to work with him too) and I'm just sitting here wondering if this is ok? Am I ok with this?

I'm too embarrassed to tell DM (she also works in the same school). All my friends work at the school too. I don't have anyone to talk to.

I think I feel let down...? What do I do next?

OP posts:
matildamatilda · 23/01/2014 21:15

This would be a deal-breaker for me too. A family is not a truck stop. He wants to leave? Okay, that's his choice. But there's no way back.

Firekraken · 23/01/2014 21:16

I am sorry that I am not more resiliant, it's the way I have always been and I do try my best. I want us to be a happy family and not like this. xxx

This is the giveaway sentence

He's not sorry.

He is more resiliant.

It's not the way he has always been.

He does not try his best.

he doesn't want to be a family with OP and this dc.

Sorry op, but don't give this man another second of your sympathy. He has taken you for a ride with his four fucking years of therapy.

What a shit.

Firekraken · 23/01/2014 21:26

Let me deconstruct his use of written vocabulary:

People with MH problems as severe as his actions suggest (ie abandoning a a wife and child by text) do not write structured sentences like 'I am sorry that I am not more resiliant...

a) He wouldn't use the word 'that' as it is a thoughtful use of and adjunct which he would only use if carefully thinking through his sentences. If he was genuinely mentally unwell and unable to cope he wouldn't be able to construct his words this well.

b) He uses punctuation and capital letters correctly. See explanation above.

c) His message is devoid of all emotion and concern for his child and he ends it with the standard three kisses. This message is designed to give you hope, to elicit sympathy for him and to feel concerned for his wellbeing. His kisses at the end are especially manipulative. The fact that he doesn't mention his child at all is the biggest giveaway of all :

He's met another woman.

Stop believing his bullshit.

Fairylea · 23/01/2014 21:28

Ok,so (trying to be kind) playing this at face value that he is struggling with his mental health then say he needs to come home and you will seek help for him together,as a family, and yes that may involve time off work but if needs be it needs be.

What he can't do is fuck off back to his mum's because that just makes it look like he needs a holiday from a demanding baby. And who doesn't?! But we all get on with it. Opting out and giving yourself a little break willy nilly isn't really on (taking an organised break and leaving the little one in organised care is of course fine).

So ask him when you get your break too then? Book yourself into a hotel for a couple of days or stay with a friend.

I'm being devils advocate on purpose.

Still smells like a twat to me. Sorry.

Fairylea · 23/01/2014 21:31

Are you sure he is actually at his mum's by the way? What is he doing in the evening if he is there? If he is going out what is he up to?

(My dh went and stayed with his mum a couple of times prior to telling me he didn't love me anymore. He was staying there and going out with his ex girlfriend who he later left me for).

Original poster
ApplySomePressure · 23/01/2014 21:36

I assume he is. I honestly do not know where he would find another woman. He does not go out or have a social life of any kind.

Maybe he is just sick of DS and I, and this is his way out

OP posts:
OctaviusAce · 23/01/2014 21:39

I'd phone his Mum, and speak to him. On her land line.

Blondieminx · 23/01/2014 21:42

Apply are you also tired of being left in the lurch by him?

Does he make you happy, support and nurture you? If not, then perhaps the time has come to cut your losses with this manchild?

MrsWOLF1 · 23/01/2014 21:43

What a pathetic excuse for a dad .. running from a 10 month old well guess what buddy love our kids to death but they cause crap / mess / bother even as grown men but we don.t run or bury our heads in the sand .. op u may find ur ds is more settled without him children even very young ones sense upset & stress

Original poster
ApplySomePressure · 23/01/2014 21:46

I've tried calling her mobile but it's off. This is not unusual- she has MS and normally goes to bed very early and switches off her phone. She had always done this. She will be up early though, so could speak to her first thing.

Yes I am tired of being left in the lurch. So very tired Sad

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 23/01/2014 21:47

I think you should move in with your mum for a while. It'll be company for you and it will be great to have her sharing the care of your son with you.

I'd be reluctant to have a long term relationship with someone who can't be there for you, and most of all his son, when the going gets tough.

His text seemed to be the sort of thing he'd write to his mum, if his mum treated him as a precious first born who only had to smile to gain forgiveness.

ImperialBlether · 23/01/2014 21:49

Please tell me you haven't helped pay for this therapy. It sounds as though it's been a spectacular indulgence.

MyNameIsKenAdams · 23/01/2014 21:50

Id approach it very technical. Id write a letter
Dear H, as you clearly are unable to handle the stresses and strains of a marriage and parenthood, I suggest you make the move to MILs a permanent one. Our son needs stability and to.know that his father will.not abandon him when the going gets tough. If you wish to.make steps to repair the damage you have done, I will expect you home no later than the 30th January, with a clear plan of how you are adressing your issues. Should you fail to return by then, I will see that as a termination of the marriage and will male steps with you to arrange regular contact and maintenance payments towards DS. Please note, should you return as detailed no later than the 30th, I will take that as you being 100% dedicated to being a father and a husband. Should you ever abandon us again, no further offers will be forthcoming"

Original poster
ApplySomePressure · 23/01/2014 21:53

MIL paid for his therapy. She was an awful mother and felt guilty.

I had to give up my therapy whilst I was pregnant as I could no longer afford it. I had been going for about a year- since my parents divorced.

OP posts:
Blondieminx · 23/01/2014 21:53

If you can't face making a stand for you, can you do it for little DS?

You really don't want him observing his father's behaviour model and taking after him, do you? Sad

I am sorry your H is being so useless. Better to realise it now and start building your new life.

Can I ask, if your best friend was in the same situation as you, what would you advise her to do?

I think you know the answer... A whole bunch of strangers on the Internet have concurred he's behaving like a cowardly fool who is manipulating you. You and your DS don't need that man and his dreadful attitude.

OctaviusAce · 23/01/2014 21:56

I would try and ascertain where and who he is with to be honest. I find myself agreeing with Fairylea and Firekraken. The tone of that text was strange.

Original poster
ApplySomePressure · 23/01/2014 21:57

You're right, I do know the answer.

I am too exhausted to look after two children.

What do I do about the house? I did not put down any money for the deposit, my H is a lot older than me and it was his savings. I do not have any savings.

OP posts:
OctaviusAce · 23/01/2014 22:01

If you've exchanged, and are unable to complete, the exchange deposit would be at risk. That's usually 10% of the house price. As it's your husband's money... Tough titty for him!

I think that's the way it works, you lose the exchange deposit if you cannot then complete. Someone may know differently though.

OctaviusAce · 23/01/2014 22:05

www.cluttoncox.co.uk/site/blog/blogpost/failure_to_complete_house_purchase.html

We're not in a declining house market, so I think it would just be your deposit at risk if you decided not to complete.

ApocalypseThen · 23/01/2014 22:05

He's very lucky. What would happen if one day you just left the home and baby? Imagine the luxury he affords himself - the right to opt out of parenthood at the time of his choosing for as long as he pleases. Imagine if you had the same rights. He depends on you to pick up the pieces of his utter fecklessness entirely.

Fairylea · 23/01/2014 22:05

Speak to her tomorrow. Although to be honest she may be likely to lie for him even if he is out somewhere or even didn't stay at hers. It would have been better if you could have rang her land line and attempted to catch him out.

Does she live locally? Maybe pay a surprise visit tomorrow?

Blondieminx · 23/01/2014 22:11

It may be worth asking that question about exchange deposits in the Legal topic?

Citizens Advice have some house buying guidance... I think he would lose the deposit money if the purchase doesn't complete.

If it's not your money and you don't have savings, then PLEASE withdraw your name formally from any mortgage application which has been made. Please do not financially link yourself more with your H, you don't want to end up in the lurch financially as well Sad

birdybear · 23/01/2014 22:14

I think a lot of people posting here naz have no experience of mental health issues. Op , you either believe what he says in that text or you don't . Given his history and the life you have led with him, does it ring true?

If he has previously been a good husband then solicitors is not the way to go . There are far too many people saying ltb but what about supporting your husband when he is not coping ?

Yes it isn't ideal what he has done and it isn't fair that you get landed with coping with everything, but it doesn't sound like he is in a good place either. Talk to each other and try and find a way to work through this together if that is what you want.

Original poster
ApplySomePressure · 23/01/2014 22:14

I'm going to try and get some sleep. I'll be back to read properly- thank you

OP posts:
elastamum · 23/01/2014 22:16

People with depression do strange things, but YOU also need support with a small baby, not another adult to carry. Go to your mum, tell her what has happened and move in so she can support you.

Tell your friends, that way they can support you too.

Think about what you want. Then when you are ready go and see him, find out what is going on in his head, then decide what to do.