social services are destroying my family

[justalilmummy]

Social services have ruined my family and I just dont know what to do anymore, I want to run away from it all
My partner had a mental breakdown 15 months ago, leading up to this there were a few issues (arguments got out of hand abd police were called, 3 times last time 2.5 years ago)
After hes breakdown social services became involved and we were under a child in need plan
The plan said I was to protect my children by not allowing the children to be alone with their father - which I did
Partner after being released from the psychiatric hospital after 8 days was allocated a mental health nurse who he saw regularly
Everything was going great social workers visited as they still had a slight concern about dp state of mind
4 months ago he was discharged completly as they felt he was fine now and he did not have a mental disorder
Things took a bad turn after this as social worker did not agree with the decision
They first tried to convince dp to go to the doctors and get medication to help hes ' depression' even though he does not have it.
Dp did not do this so one day they turned up in the evening and said they are very concerned and he is not to come inside the family home, we were shocked by this but he went and stayed at hes mums, which we again did
6 weeks ago a child protection conference was held and they have put the children on child protection for the 'risk of emotional abuse' as father refuses to accept hes problem and I am downplaying hes mental health issues even though hes mental health worker says he doesnt have any mental disorder!
The conference was held as if he was still in the family home which he is not
Its now got even worse as they have told us that I need therapy to come to terms with the 'domestic abuse' I have suffered and my child needs therapy as well, also dp has to attend a parenting course.
They have made it very difficult for dp to attend any of these meetings as they hold them all in the afternoon even though we have repeatedly told them he can only do mornings coz of hes work
They threatened me this afternoon that as I am reluctant to go to therapy I'm giving het ammunition to take it to court for a care order
I must add there has been absolutely no issue since hes breakdown 15 months ago
This is having an awful effect on my 4 year old ds, he is waking nightly crying for hes daddy, hes begun wetting himself at school and s not eating properly
I just dont know what to do, they say this is coz he is at risk of emotional damage when it's them causing all the upset in this household :-(

You have been through a lot, it does seem like your doing an amazing job with your children aswell and you are a young mum.

Please pass onto the SW that you want some additional support/ help for your son, bring it up at the CoreGroup meetings so school and health visitor can offer something.

Have they asked you to engage with Women's Aid or Women's Centre, they do some good courses in some areas and the Children's centres. Either which agency who has a family support worker that is purely for you would really act as like an advocate
.
You can always add new core group members.
How long is it until next CP review?

Do you have a supportive family and what are DP's parents like? You mentioned earlier that he 'broke a window in your house' when you would have been only 17 or so - were you already living away from your parents then?

The OP's DS1 is 6yo, and she is 22. Therefore, at 17, like me, she would have been living in her own home, obviously with her partner and baby.

I would imagine that SS are suggesting therapy because they may be concerned that, having been with DP since you were kids, that you dont have a wide range of experience of relationsahips and may not be recognising abuse when its happening, whiuch is a possibility - without knowing your history we cannot make that judgement.
I am guessing thats the reason for it. It took me many abusive relationships, the last one being overtly so, to be able to look back and recognise that I had been abused since the first one and just never recognised it as anything abnormal at all. My childhood had set me right up for it, and even that looked pretty normal from the outside too until I started poking in the dark corners with help from a great therapist.

Op's Ds is 4, not 6

NettleTea

Same for me, I was a victim of child abuse so I was not able to recognise abusive relationships for what they were. When I really met a monster, well I went to see a therapist and.. Poof! All truth came out.
Most ridiculous thing is that I was referred to the therapist by the same person abusing and raping me... Because, of course it was all my fault, wasn't it?

I hope the OP doesn't waste her life as I did, given that I could come out of the nightmare in my 40ies......

lilmummy

Did you suffer any emotional or psychological abuse? Is he jealous or did he forbid you to see other people? What about work?

I know it is terrible but all abused women are alone. Pls contact Women's Aid or one of their centres. They are brilliant :)

I dont feel I was abused we just went through a very hard time he lost hes dad became depressed which came out in a few outbursts yes that was not right but I cant say I have an abusing relationship based on 3 events in 9 years!
Op it was my mum's house where the window was broken and she was obviously very angry at the time
We were young and stupid back then in the last 2 years we have grown up so mmuch and got it together even more so since he came out of hoapital
We are doing everything we can to get our family back together but I feel it's going to be a long time coming
Can I request a new social worker? I wasn't aware u could I may do that
What bugs me the most is my whole life is in the hands of this women noone would listen tk me at the meeting only what she said a women who made so
Many mistakes on the initial notes for the meeting were unbelievable
She got the ages of both my children wrong, one of their names claimed my eldest doesnt do any extra curricular activities although she never asked- he does drama swimming and football, said I was on benifits I hadnt taken baby to health visitor when I was there just the day before! Yet thet all laughed off those mistakes

You poor thing :(

Can you get one of the mental health charities to support you and DH? It could be a case for discrimination. Try contacting "mind" or "time to change" they would certainly be able to advise.

Its really scary isn't it - i can't help but feeling you are being unfailry treated because you are young. I have had a breakdown - no social worker has ever been near my house (thank god, its a tip, but that doesn't mean i don't take care of my DD, its just that we are messy buggers). If i were in my 20s or a man, i bet they would have been here like a shot.

I wish i could offer you more sound advice, but the MH charities may be able to offer something.

I know it is gutting when they put stuff in the report that you know is not true, or not 'quite' true = some social workers are v good at twisting words slightly.
nontheless you have to put in a complaint about this, (you should have been told what to do if you are not happy about any part of the process, and given the printed complaints procuedure)
either you have to put in a complaint about it or stop being annoyed by it.
then you have to co-operate as much as you possibley can.
if they want you to go for therapy, go for therapy.

Justalilmum, I have read your posts and you remind me of a close friend. Despite being a lovely person, her relationships have shifted her sense of normal. She has redefined what is acceptable to her and her children because she is afraid. Of him. Of being alone. It doesn't make her a bad person, she is just ground down by it all. She is 15 years older than you.

it is normal to have mh problems. it is not normal to break things in anger. Its either done in a very controlled away. Or it is out of control.

Just because there are worse people than him, it does not mean his behaviour is ok.

sw in my area are very overloaded but I know that what sets them into action and its violence in households with babies. This is simply because they can be easily killed by their parents.

you sound like your partners mouth piece. i hope you change to become your childrens advocat.

I think this thread 2 month old should be read as it gives a diffrent side to what your saying And Explains to me why ss are doing what they are, I know I shouldn't link to past threads but I think it's important so people can help advise

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1891780-my-partner-is-seriously-depressed-and-I-cant-take-it-anymore

lilmummy

I dont feel I was abused we just went through a very hard time he lost hes dad became depressed which came out in a few outbursts yes that was not right but I cant say I have an abusing relationship based on 3 events in 9 years!

lilmummy, are you aware of what psychological/emotional abuse is? Because it seems to me you consider abuse = physical abuse.......

You are referring to 3 events... and to be honest, I never had any of these events you mention in 20 yrs, yet I was abused and raped. My ex was a rapist and a skilled abuser... he never hit me though...

Be careful darling because it seems you're very confused.

OK... First, why don't you ask for help to a charity? They have your best interest at heart and they usually have no contacts with the social services. You can also phone them for advice :)

Second, is it possible you ask to a friend to be with you during social workers' visits? He/She could help you with taking notes or also give you a different perspective?

Many abused people don't feel confident to ask for help and when things get worse they don't know what to do anymore.
Take action now, for the sake of your children.

Newname

Thanks for posting that.

lilmummy

From your previous thread it seems like you're being emotionally/psychologically abused
Let me clear this for you:

• - - - -

Examples of emotional/psychological abuse:

•Yelling or swearing (read about: Emotional Bullying)
•Name calling or insults; mocking
•Threats and intimidation
•Ignoring or excluding
•Isolating
•Humiliating
•Denial of the abuse and blaming of the victim
•Threats of violence or abandonment
•Intentionally frightening
•Making an individual fear that they will not receive the food or care they need
•Lying
•Failing to check allegations of abuse against them
•Making derogative or slanderous statements about an individual to others
•Socially isolating an individual, failing to let them have visitors
•Withholding important information
•Demeaning an individual because of the language they speak
•Intentionally misinterpreting traditional practices
•Repeatedly raising the issue of death
•Telling an individual that they are too much trouble
•Ignoring or excessively criticizing
•Being over-familiar and disrespectful
•Unreasonably ordering an individual around; treating an individual like a servant or child

lilmummy do you understand now why social workers are worried about you and your children?

He was discharged with anti-depressents took them for a week and now refuses to take them, was offered therapy will not take it

this is what you said in October 2013.

these are your own words.

And you are now saying it is all ok, and he is fine? Did he start taking the anti-depressants after you posted in October? did he go to therapy?

this is why the FASSIT sites etc make me so angry. They will just take what you say at face value and tell you that SW are evil, trying to break up your family, etc etc when it is clear from your own words that there are massive, massive problems here.

Ive removed him from my house he now sees the kids for 2 hours a week
I always call beforehand to make sure hes in a good mood
I'm protecting my kids yet they say I am not
I'm scared, they will make me cut ties and I'm scared of that
Ok yes he had a huge problems but we are trying our best
It feels like the whole world is against me right now and I'm all on my own

why do you need to check he is in a good mood before he has his 2 hours with the kids??

Your op says
4 months ago he was discharged completly as they felt he was fine now and he did not have a mental disorder

But in October you said that he refused anti-depressants and therapy.

Which is true?

I am sorry that you feel so alone and scared, but unless you are honest with SW and most importantly with yourself, your children are at risk.

I just do, as what if he is starting to feel depressed again and I let the kids near him, its not gonna look good

6 weeks ago a child protection conference was held and they have put the children on child protection for the 'risk of emotional abuse' as father refuses to accept he's problem

so this is actually completely true isn't it?

If he can't or won't get help I am afraid you are going to have to leave him if you want to keep your children. I am really sorry.

It must be very frightening if he is all you have ever known, but it is clear that he needs help to be safe around the children and only he can be the one to chose that. You can't make him. And you can't put the children at risk because you don't want to lose him.

Yea he did refuse to take them after a while, the mental health team stepped in and called them which was when he was re-evaluated by them and they felt medication wasn't needed anymore I didnt initially agree but he did improve

If you feel alone, you do need to get someone like a lawyer on your side - but make sure they are experts in child protection. You might qualify for legal aid.

I have just read your previous thread OP.

Bless you, you have had such a hard time....and now this on top.

I suspect you are so close to it all you cant see the wood for the trees.

There is some great advice on tbis thread from people far more knowledgable than I am. I hope they have been some help amd have given you some hope.

So you are scared of him. And you do tiptoe around him. And he is abusive, in addition to having mental health problems.

I always call beforehand to make sure hes in a good mood

I guess you see this as protecting your kids.

So he cant live in the family home.

I have now read your other thread, and I also conclude that the SS is doing their best to protect your children. Your insistence on standing by your man, and him being violent and abusive, is what is ruining your family, not SS.

Ok yes he had a huge problems but we are trying our best

lilmummy

He has a problem so he has to try his best, not you!
You are not involved with him at all in that. Sorry if that is not what you want to hear but if my DH has a problem related to his childhood or family, any time he takes that out on me, I tell him to go and see a therapist.

You can't solve your partner's issues. Love yourself

www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic_violence_topic.asp?section=0001000100220042

Call them, good advice: 0808 2000 247, line is open 24hr and it is free.

:)

Ive tried so hard to keep it together its just not working is it?