social services are destroying my family

[justalilmummy]

Social services have ruined my family and I just dont know what to do anymore, I want to run away from it all
My partner had a mental breakdown 15 months ago, leading up to this there were a few issues (arguments got out of hand abd police were called, 3 times last time 2.5 years ago)
After hes breakdown social services became involved and we were under a child in need plan
The plan said I was to protect my children by not allowing the children to be alone with their father - which I did
Partner after being released from the psychiatric hospital after 8 days was allocated a mental health nurse who he saw regularly
Everything was going great social workers visited as they still had a slight concern about dp state of mind
4 months ago he was discharged completly as they felt he was fine now and he did not have a mental disorder
Things took a bad turn after this as social worker did not agree with the decision
They first tried to convince dp to go to the doctors and get medication to help hes ' depression' even though he does not have it.
Dp did not do this so one day they turned up in the evening and said they are very concerned and he is not to come inside the family home, we were shocked by this but he went and stayed at hes mums, which we again did
6 weeks ago a child protection conference was held and they have put the children on child protection for the 'risk of emotional abuse' as father refuses to accept hes problem and I am downplaying hes mental health issues even though hes mental health worker says he doesnt have any mental disorder!
The conference was held as if he was still in the family home which he is not
Its now got even worse as they have told us that I need therapy to come to terms with the 'domestic abuse' I have suffered and my child needs therapy as well, also dp has to attend a parenting course.
They have made it very difficult for dp to attend any of these meetings as they hold them all in the afternoon even though we have repeatedly told them he can only do mornings coz of hes work
They threatened me this afternoon that as I am reluctant to go to therapy I'm giving het ammunition to take it to court for a care order
I must add there has been absolutely no issue since hes breakdown 15 months ago
This is having an awful effect on my 4 year old ds, he is waking nightly crying for hes daddy, hes begun wetting himself at school and s not eating properly
I just dont know what to do, they say this is coz he is at risk of emotional damage when it's them causing all the upset in this household :-(

Thankyou everyone so much for listening to me drone on all day!
And thankyou for making me see I am realising so home truths and as hard as it is I cant hide from the pretence that this is ok anymore

I think that you have taken the hardest step today.And hopefully things will get easier now because you are not going to waste any more energy trying to pretend that this isn't happening or isn't fair.

it might also help him, once he knows you aren't going to try and prop up his version of the truth anymore, it might shock him into getting help.

Or it might not. he might never get help. But you know what you have got to do, to try to be strong for your children.

i know it is really hard but I do hope that you can get some help and support from somewhere, there has been some really good advice on here.

I think you need someone in rl to talk to and some practical help with the children. Hopefully SW can help.

((((((OP))))))

I think thats the most honest thing you have said today (and I dont mean that to be a criticism at all btw) and a huge step in the right direction and closer to SS realising that you are moving forwards.

Unmumsnetly hugs.
and

Thanks people
Op who posted my old thread that was the biggest help if all I had forgotten how bad I was feeling, I'm very good at brushing away my feelings and slapping a smile on they must have seen straight through me

U lot are very kind people I cant believe u all stuck by me for 8 pages! Ive got a long way to go but hopefully I will get there

dont forget they have notes to go on - and when you are tied up in the madness of a messy relationship it is often impossible to see the truth of the thing, you are so busy just trying to sort one problem or issue that you have no time to stop and take stock, even more so when there are small children to cope with too. My therapist told me that she wasnt surprised that I just stayed, I was so busy just trying to get from one day to the next that I didnt have the space in my head to look at the big picture. Most people never do. Its only the luxury of space that allows you the benefit of hindsight. You will be OK. Once you free your mind from HIS responsibilities you will be far less stressed. Go see the therapist, it was a lifesaver for me, it literally turned my life around, and I had thought there was nothing wrong with me and I was fine! Even if there is nothing 'wrong' with you, you may find that some of the things that you have based your decisions on are completely skewed, or built of beliefs about how life should be that are wrong. Go with an open mind, be prepared to accept that you might be wrong, but that its not as hard to change as you think. And that an emotionally secure and sorted mum is probably the best thing that a young child can have to set them up for their future life.

Why dont you ask the SS to help you and your kids. Tell them you are realizing you cannot help him, he needs to do that, and you can only help yourself and your children, but you find it so hard, and you have been conditioned to tiptoe around him for so long, that is so hard to take the "outs" they are offering you.

Sweetheart, the social workers won't make you cut ties with him, but they will expect you to get to a point where you want to cut ties with him (emotionally, not in every sense, you have DCs)
Splitting up doesn't work in cp cases if it's just lip service/temporary until "things get better" because social workers know that there is always a risk of things becoming dangerous again with an abusive man. Whilst a woman is still emotionally invested in an abusive man the children are not safe, because at some point in the future she will almost definitely return to the relationship.
I think you need therapy to realise that this relationship is over and to work through that.

I also think that there is something very odd about how you describe your son's behaviour. You state in your other thread that he doesn't spend time with them, treats them like noisy inconveniences yet you say your son is inconsolable every night? I've got a 5 yo with a part time father and although I can see they are well attached, DS doesn't get distraught when he doesn't see his dad for a couple of days. He asks where he is sometimes, has a quick chat on the phone some days, but he's fine. That level of distress at being separated from a frankly uninterested father is not healthy. I don't think it's the separation per se that has distressed your son, I think there is some element of fear/anxiety there around his dad and it is manifesting as anxious attachment.

also the 'blowing him a kiss every night' probably isnt the best. whatever his feelings about his dad, you are reminding him, last thing at night. Let him bring him up in his own time, dont force him on the boy, he is only 4. I know you are trying to do the kind thing, but its kinder to let him control the level of conversation about him

I second what NettleTea says about how you talk to your DS about his dad. It is easy to start rituals with the best of intentions and actually they can do more harm than good. It is better to just ensure that when your DC bring their dad up in conversation you can respond in a measured and kind and positive manner.

Tbf I didnt start the blowing a kiss thing ds did

Op maybe ur right about ds and hes dad it's hard to tell didnt look at it that way
Either way hes gone from having hes dad here most night to suddenly not at all its got to be confusing for the poor boy

Oh good, the thread (and you ) have moved on a fair bit.

You are so young and have been through so much. As has your DP, but as other wise people have said, it's up to him to sort his problems, not up to you.
It can be such a hard process to even recognise what's been going on in your life for a long time and to try and be objective about it.

Apologies if this has been brought up already, but go and have a look at Freedom Program - it's v interesting reading.

Gosh, you are doing so well.

I aren't half as experienced as most posters on here, though I have had and also lived with people with very severe depression.

One thing jumped out though. You said several times that you knew the signs of your partners depression nd you knew to get help. That my have been one of the things that worried the agencies involved.

It isn't your job to 'police' his illness. If he wants to sort this out he needs to deal with his part in the situation. Telling people you know how to deal with him will just sound like denial and minimising and you trying to be responsible for him. I know. I got into the habit of excusing someone. And it was just that, habit. You live with the behaviour, you strt to own it after a while.

If he wants to resolve this he needs to stay well. Reassure the agencies he can be trusted and then re engage.

This is not your problem. Keep him at arms length until he proves to them he can cope. Please don't try to sort it for him.

You sound like a good mum stuck in a terrible situation. But you can get out of it.

I was in very similar circumstances to you 4 years ago, child on CPR, abusive H with mental health problems, I was constantly trying to get him for help, he would leave all CP/SW meetings to me.
I stopped trying to help him, left him to it, completely separated from him, social services withdrew - took, maybe, 2 years for that.
My life and my child's life is now great, Ex-H, similar place to 4 years ago.
By the way, my Ex also discharged from mental health services, not because he was in any way better but because they could not treat him.

awww justalilmummy, remember something... You're never ALONE. I know that reaching out is so difficult... isn't it? Been there, done that

I am so happy we could help you if you need encouragement or help, post again :)

I have read this thread all in one go.

What brilliant non judgmental but insightful and honest advice you have had. I am literally blown away. Mumsnet truly has some wonderful posters who know how to tease out the truth of a situation.

I don't think it is an exaggeration to say, that if you take the advice on this thread coupled with doing everything recommended by the professionals, that there is every chance you will get to keep your children with you

What will not work is if you continue to put your relationship with this hugely damaged man before their welfare and it certainly appears that is what you have been doing. Like you said, social services and others have seen right through you. No big surprise, they have seen it all before and there truly is nothing new in the world of dysfunctional relationships that damage children.

Sweetheart, end your relationship then the rest if your life can start. You will look back in a few years and be so grateful that you posted here and you got the RL support in such a timely fashion. It isn't too late for you, but time has a habit of running out very quickly

be strong now.

Hey everyone
I had my social worker dropped by for an unannounced visit this evening
I told her I was going to try real hard not to fight against her and if I do I dont mean to
I said I'm not talking on behalf of him anymore and she seemed pleased
I told her my fears of what will happen if he wont do anything to help the situation as this is out of my control and shes put my mind at rest. As long as I stick to my end me and the children are safe.
Still obviously am stressed out but feeling a little lighter
I asked what the next step will be if he doesnt cooperate and it will be phone contact only
Also told her my concerns for my son and how hes reacting to all this and she said shes gonna push for asap for help for him
First time I was almost! Pleased to c her, especially whilst ive been mulling it all over in my head today
I cant thankyou enough uve forced me to look at the light and see thi bf s in a differentw
ay. Cant tell u how much uve helped
Think this is the longest ive ever been on here my poor ds took my phone off me earlier!

Well done.

When the FOG (fear, guilt, obligation) of covering for an abusive man and pretending to yourself (and it's only you that believes it) that he is worth putting your children's well being behind that of his you will start to process things better. You will start to properly hear and better see the ways that these professionals want to help you.

I am so pleased to see your update. Today is the day you start to move in the right direction, love.

oops, fear, obligation, guilt...you get my gist

Yes. This is a fantastic thread.

To add to the attachment thing, my DS is 5 and when he was almost 4, my now DH who he saw (and still sees) as, basically, his Dad, came to live abroad. Okay, it's a different situation as we talked to him about it beforehand and it wasn't a massive shock but it was still a sudden change. He's been fine - a few tears every now and again, an "I WANT !" when he thinks I'm being unfairly harsh or something, but not every night, he was happy in the knowledge that DH was here and we were there, now we're all living together again he's adjusted to that no problems either.

I'm sure you've been recommended it before by the sounds of your previous thread (I did not read it) but Lundy Bancroft is excellent about the myth of mental health and abuse and the relationship between the two.