social services are destroying my family

[justalilmummy]

Social services have ruined my family and I just dont know what to do anymore, I want to run away from it all
My partner had a mental breakdown 15 months ago, leading up to this there were a few issues (arguments got out of hand abd police were called, 3 times last time 2.5 years ago)
After hes breakdown social services became involved and we were under a child in need plan
The plan said I was to protect my children by not allowing the children to be alone with their father - which I did
Partner after being released from the psychiatric hospital after 8 days was allocated a mental health nurse who he saw regularly
Everything was going great social workers visited as they still had a slight concern about dp state of mind
4 months ago he was discharged completly as they felt he was fine now and he did not have a mental disorder
Things took a bad turn after this as social worker did not agree with the decision
They first tried to convince dp to go to the doctors and get medication to help hes ' depression' even though he does not have it.
Dp did not do this so one day they turned up in the evening and said they are very concerned and he is not to come inside the family home, we were shocked by this but he went and stayed at hes mums, which we again did
6 weeks ago a child protection conference was held and they have put the children on child protection for the 'risk of emotional abuse' as father refuses to accept hes problem and I am downplaying hes mental health issues even though hes mental health worker says he doesnt have any mental disorder!
The conference was held as if he was still in the family home which he is not
Its now got even worse as they have told us that I need therapy to come to terms with the 'domestic abuse' I have suffered and my child needs therapy as well, also dp has to attend a parenting course.
They have made it very difficult for dp to attend any of these meetings as they hold them all in the afternoon even though we have repeatedly told them he can only do mornings coz of hes work
They threatened me this afternoon that as I am reluctant to go to therapy I'm giving het ammunition to take it to court for a care order
I must add there has been absolutely no issue since hes breakdown 15 months ago
This is having an awful effect on my 4 year old ds, he is waking nightly crying for hes daddy, hes begun wetting himself at school and s not eating properly
I just dont know what to do, they say this is coz he is at risk of emotional damage when it's them causing all the upset in this household :-(

I wasn't necessarily asking about MH issues and CIN meetings just as pertaining to the OP's issues, as there HAS been DV, and DV is DV, regardless of MH involvement. I was also asking for general knowledge of MH issues / SS, as I've had a few acquaintances who I was unable to advocate for as I am unsure of that area.

I would like to find out more about how having MH issues can affect a CIN case with respect to the Equality Act 2010. I may have to do some more research.

Thanks couthy.

Would also be interested to know what you find re research into MH issues and children in need plans.

Hi OP I'm a Social Worker in frontline CP so I will offer you some advise

1. you need to firstly accept the decision made at CP conference, this would have included other agencies including education and health who will have agreed with the decision. Therefore accept these professionals have concerns for your children's welfare.

2. Although you are clearly the parent who is able to care for your children it is the fact that you are supporting your partner when his actions have potentially put the children at risk that you need to accept.

I can almost be 100% certain that they will have stated concern as you are "minimising the risks"

Please don't feel this is getting at you I'm sure your a great parent independently. You need to accept and engage fully with the plan, work openly and honestly with SW and accept that if nothing changes then DP would put children at continued risk of emotional harm.

Try and focus on the fact that the plan is there to make things better for your children and the professionals involved are also responsible for certain areas, it's not all on you!

Alos, you say that your DP has never been anything other than a good, loving Daddy to your son, and that any violent arguments between you happened when the children were not in the house.

So why does the SW insist on your son having therapy?

2snugglets thankyou, I understand what u mean about accepting it, buts it's very hard I'm absolutely devastated this has happened
I do feel all alone in this im the one who has to look after the children 24 hours a day on my own with no help
Im the one who has to hold it together no matter how bad I'm feeling
I know I have to protect my children ive done nothing but try and do that
I said to them do they want me to cut ties with dp they said no, which tbh I dont want afterall I have been with the man 9years I cant just turn my feelings off
I just feel for my poor ds caught up in the middle of this,he wakes up at night crying for daddy we blow
Him a kiss every bedtime but he always saying I want a real one
Hes wetting himself which he hasn't done since potty training, hes not eating and hes behaiviour towards me is changing. He doesnt understand and its heartbreaking to watch when he does see hes dad he begs him not to go he has never done this
I spoke to her about this and honestly she just looked at me didnt say a word I was asking for help in helping him deal with this and she didnt want to know, she feels that its better this way, but surely she must know hes daddy not being around is going to have a bad effect

Also, not alos!

Madisthenewnormal she doesnt believe me that ds never saw anything and I do understand that for all she knows I could be lying through my teeth many people do

But it's not just whether or not he was right there to witness it himself. Was he upstairs in bed, terrified by what he heard? Did he see you upset or injured? Dd he see the aftermath of things being smashed? Was he there when the police came? Has he seen you be upset?

All these things cause harm.

A lot of my clients say there children didn't see anything, so it is ok. But being aware of violence in any form taking place in the home is harmful to children, I am afraid there is absolutely no doubt about that whatsoever.

Nope he wasn't in the house at the time
There have been 3 occasions 2 of which was before we had him
He never saw anything broken and I wasn't injured at all
I do get it wasn't ok though

I've never had anything to do with Social Services, but I just wanted to add something to those who emphasised to OP that she should make a 'paper trail' documenting everything. I'd say, make sure that paper trail is not just emails, but also 'snail mail' letters, posted, preferably 'signed for' so OP has some record that they've been received. Keep copies, of course.

It's very easy for people to say that emails haven't been recieved. Not so easy to deny receipt of actual letter, when there's a signature to prove receipt.

I think the concern is, mummy that you would expect a woman to leave a man who behaves like that, not go on to have children with him.

By doing so, it points to a lack of insight, understanding and a vulnerability.

it's very hard to see things when ur in the middle of it

It absolutely is. No one is saying this process is easy. Its intrusive and unsettling for everyone.

The SW didn't answer yes when you asked should you cut ties with your DP because it has to come from you and it has to be real. There's no point in you asking them if you should split up, they say yes, and then you convince them you have split up until they go away. That helps no one.

Sorry if I've missed this, but how old are you now and how old is your DS?

I'm 22 ds is 4 and 6 months in 3 days

Sorry thats not very clear ds1

Is 4 and ds2 is 6 months in 3 days

FWIW in my case with SS I ended the relationship in april 09 and the case wasn't officially closed until may 10. Though, in that time, the frequency of visits subsided greatly.

So you can't just pretend to split. There is no quick fix to this. They won't just disappear. The only way to stop it all is to co operate.

So you have been with your partner 9 years, therefore you were 13 when you got together?

May I ask how old he is?

Or sorry, did you say 7 years?

either way, you were very young when you started this relationship with him.

if he is quite a bit older than you, this will probably be seen as a worrying sign I am afraid.

Yea weve been together since we were kids although tbh it was very on and off in those days became more solid when we were 16 , hes 23

thanks for explaining - that is a lot less worrying than if he was 40 plus!

the fact that you have been together so long should be seen as a positive, it is clearly a committed relationship.

Thanks spero yea he is my everything hes all ive ever known really which makes it so hard

Hes not a bad person but we went through a bad time together and be did some stupid bad things and now hes having to face the consequences, just wish it hadnt turned out like this
I have been fighting to defend him if I'm honest coz I know hes not the violent dangerous man he has been painted out be in that conference he was made out to be a complete monster who abuses me all the time which is just not true. But I guess I'm just gonna have to accept what they think and do all we can to resolve this

the fact that you have been together so long should be seen as a positive, it is clearly a committed relationship.

I disagree. Sorry. The length of the relationship doesn't lessen the damage caused by DV anymore than the "reasons" do.

Infact, if the length of the relationship is being used by the OP to justtify staying in an abusive relationship, the the length of the relationship is actually of detriment to the well being of the DCs.

bloody hell , you poor thing
firstly , ss are there to help protect your children , that said I would ask to see another sw.
I am no expert on this but if you have therapy will that too stay on your parenting / childs record ?
I personally would ask to change sw , speak to my GP .and enlist the help of friends and family
make it clear that you value ss support but relations between this sw and your family is not working