How do you think your DH should behave if there is a woman who is being hostile to you?

[Hedgehead]

There is a woman in mine and DH's social circle who is the girlfriend of one of his friends. DH really likes his friend, and his friend always comes with this woman, but I find her slightly hostile to me. It's nothing overt, but as a woman I notice.

For a start, she mostly refuses to speak to me in English (DH is tri-lingual, so is his friend, so is she - they all went to university in France together.) She asks me no questions about myself (ever), she walks away in the middle of me asking her a question and joins the men and talks in French to them. She does not look me in the eye or turn towards me when I'm talking to the group. When we have them round to dinner on DH's request, she makes negative remarks about the food in French.

At the dinners I end up sitting alone in a corner and she sits in a three with them talking in French. DH phrases his answers to her questions in English, but she responds in French. His friend does a mixture of the two. So I can never grab a thread of conversation or hear her opinion or know anything about her, because she does not address me in English.

We live in England, by the way!

She makes a point of addressing DH in English sometimes and it is always something flattering or a slightly flirtatious remark.

Whenever I tell DH about this he tells me I am being irrational. He says that she is shy. Did I not notice that she was shy? That I have to get used to not being the centre of attention. I say that he should trust my take on the situation and because we are married, trust me to have judged this correctly. He says I am being super irrational and mad and he is not going to change his social life on the whims of a "mad person." (DH is prone to exaggeration btw...)

So now I have said that I never want her to set foot in my house again (yes, quite extreme, but I hated being called mad...) and we are not talking to each other. He's watching TV, I'm in bed.

What would your DHs in this situation? What would you do? Do you think I am being irrational?

No, women have an intuition and if I were you, I would listen to yours.

I feel like I am being excluded by her. That's what I feel most of all. Should DHs be trying to stop their DWs from being excluded?

KittiKat - I really do trust my intuition, I am not the kind of person who goes around suspecting and not trusting everyone

I think they're all excluding you. How rude to talk in a language that only one of you doesn't understand!

And that's not even considering the flirty remarks.

agree with Avalon, they are rude. Have you tried asking them to speak English (since they all can?) tbh I would expect my DH in this situation to say something along the lines of 'come on guys if we're talking French Hedgehead can't join in the conversation.'

He called you mad? I'd show him batshit fucking crazy if my partner said that. How dare he try to undermine you in that way and question your sanity in the process. It makes me suspicious that he reacted so strongly though, for the sake of some new woman who flirts with him? Seems like he ranks her above you.

This is not so much about intuition (or not being the "center of attention", how insulting!) as it is about you being deliberately and obviously excluded by this woman. Surely your husband notices this? He can't think it's ok for one member of a group who are socialising together - no matter what the genders of any of the people involved - to be sitting alone in a corner?

Every time she starts speaking in French, put your ear phones in and start singing aloud

That'll help

Rude rude very rude, so you might as well be too.

He called you mad?!

That's not on.

I agree - they're all being very rude!

She does sound hostile though and I'd expect DH to support you not blame you.

What is her first language?

She is horrible and your DH and his friend are all acting like twats. You speak the most common language when in a group, if you don't all speak one language then you go slow and people take turns in translating so everyone is involved. It is basic fucking manners and I say that as someone who can speak more than one language so am not an 'ignorant' English (phrase I've only heard from a French person BTW, I spoke more languages than her too).

She is very rude and your husband likes the attention. I would not have her in my house again, if your 'D'H wants to socialise with someone that treats you like dirt then I'd tell him to fuck off too.

He knows if he acknowledges your point of view you will ask him to to have a talk with them and he doesn't want to do that. But he has to. Have you tried say at the beginning of their visit: I feel completely left out when you speak French between yourselves because I can't join in. Can we please agree to speak English this time? And wait for a sign of agreement from all of them, including the woman. If they move on to French remind that everybody agreed to speak English. Try open hand first and just check what everybody's reaction to this is.

It is rude of them however I don't agree with this:

I say that he should trust my take on the situation and because we are married, trust me to have judged this correctly.

Being married doesn't mean one spouse has to agree with the other or have the same opinions. Why should he do this rather than you not trust that he has judged it correctly? I've seen this a few times on here. DP should back you up because you are his wife type comments.

Bloody hell she's rude. Sounds like a complete bitch. And your DH needs to treat you with more respect. He sounds a bit of an arse tbh OP.

Of course you're not going to want her in your house, why would you?

Don't complaint to your DH about this nasty woman, wait till the next time they start talking in French and just say that you don't speak/understand French and would they please speak in English.

Don't apologise, or explain just leave it at that and if they persist you'll know that they're just a nasty bunch of people you'd really be better off avoiding.

I would not want her in my house either. Appalling behaviour. As to your original question, no way would my DH call me crazy etc as he is quite intuitive for a bloke and would cop on to the situation straight away and understand my attitude which would be like yours for the record. He would still enjoy the attention though - he's not dead! ;)

I am very lucky in that H has better Bitchdar than many women I know!

He is an utter ass in other ways, but dammit, he is bang on with bitches. We have been known to chat at parties about it, "I dont like her" "No me neither, have you seen how she just excluded C" "Yep, and you werent there but she was the same with M, and then started flirting with K (her DH)"

He hates game players, he grew up in a family of women who were just like this so has no time at all for it.

THAT is how your DH should behave. She is deliberately rude to you and instead of pulling her up on it, or just ignoring her attempts to exclude you he joins in. I would suggest you say to him that in fact, you are not concerned about being centre of attention, but clearly she is and he is so gullible that he has fallen for it!

I don't think your DH has to agree with you just because you say so, I do think you have to justify your case.

So - they are all being rude, the polite convention among multilinguals is to speak in the language everyone can understand. Especially if you are the hostess. I would make that point to him, and make it clear that you will force the issue next meet up, and from then on its English, or no more visits.

Id also tell him it's no fun sitting on your own, so you rather would go out and flirt with some other blokes who do speak English when she comes round to flirt with him.

Oh, and since she always criticises your food, you're not doing it from now on.

As with these type of threads this woman isn't the problem, your not so dear H is. From what you have written your H has been far ruder, he calls you mad and you dismiss it as him being prone to exaggeration.

Personally, I wouldn't wait for a man to defend me, I'm a big girl. if this woman had treated me this way I would call her on it and if she persisted she wouldn't be invited back.

Why have you been so accepting of DH rudeness?

They're all rude. I agree the 'D'h is the worst of a bad bunch.

Only madness here is you putting up with this. But you're not mad. Just in love deluded.

And my OH would never do this or allow this.

The woman may be the worst offender, but they are all at fault. You don't speak in a language that one person in the group doesn't understand (unless there is no common language). I would just ask them to speak English every time any of them switched languages. Hopefully they will get the point.

OP you should do one of those intense language courses. Let them rattle on for an hour or so then unleash your new skill