How do you think your DH should behave if there is a woman who is being hostile to you?

[Hedgehead]

There is a woman in mine and DH's social circle who is the girlfriend of one of his friends. DH really likes his friend, and his friend always comes with this woman, but I find her slightly hostile to me. It's nothing overt, but as a woman I notice.

For a start, she mostly refuses to speak to me in English (DH is tri-lingual, so is his friend, so is she - they all went to university in France together.) She asks me no questions about myself (ever), she walks away in the middle of me asking her a question and joins the men and talks in French to them. She does not look me in the eye or turn towards me when I'm talking to the group. When we have them round to dinner on DH's request, she makes negative remarks about the food in French.

At the dinners I end up sitting alone in a corner and she sits in a three with them talking in French. DH phrases his answers to her questions in English, but she responds in French. His friend does a mixture of the two. So I can never grab a thread of conversation or hear her opinion or know anything about her, because she does not address me in English.

We live in England, by the way!

She makes a point of addressing DH in English sometimes and it is always something flattering or a slightly flirtatious remark.

Whenever I tell DH about this he tells me I am being irrational. He says that she is shy. Did I not notice that she was shy? That I have to get used to not being the centre of attention. I say that he should trust my take on the situation and because we are married, trust me to have judged this correctly. He says I am being super irrational and mad and he is not going to change his social life on the whims of a "mad person." (DH is prone to exaggeration btw...)

So now I have said that I never want her to set foot in my house again (yes, quite extreme, but I hated being called mad...) and we are not talking to each other. He's watching TV, I'm in bed.

What would your DHs in this situation? What would you do? Do you think I am being irrational?

DH would not allow someone to be exclude me in this way, whether I spoke the language or not. Having said that, if he did, I'd be pissed off and outright tell the lot of them they were being ignorant. Likewise I wouldn't allow anyone to exclude DH in that way either.

She's enjoying the attentions of both men (flirtatiously or not) at the exclusion of yourself because she likes it and she can. Otherwise she would be polite, civil and speak English.

I wonder why your DH is defending her behaviour in this way and making you out to be mad.

So your DH has friends around, you do the cooking and she sits there slagging it off in another language that he understands and you don't?

Next time they came round I'd be sat on the sofa with "Le Grande Pizza for Un" and Coronation Street blaring with the volume at maximum so no one could hear anything.

And then Le trois of them could Va te faire foutre....

Vous êtes très impoli. Vous êtes invités dans ma maison et vous me traitez comme si je suis un serviteur.

Vous êtes encore plus rude parce que vous êtes mon mari et vous permettez à ce traitement de moi.

Je ne veux pas de toi dans ma maison, s'il vous plaît laissez.

Learn ^ this!

You are being very rude. You are guests in my house and you treat me as if I am a servant.

You are being even ruder because you are my husband and you allow this treatment of me.

I do not want any of you in my home, please leave.

Done through Google Translate, apologies to native french speakers!

He says I am being super irrational and mad and he is not going to change his social life on the whims of a "mad person."

So he's not going to change his social life for the sake of a "mad person", but he doesn't mind being married to one. Go figure.

She criticised your cooking to the other two? In front of you...? And they responded how, exactly...?!

So what, if her English isn't great? You're in England. I can't imagine for a single second that she would tolerate English being spoken by an intimate group when in France. So why is she expecting special treatment?

I have absolutely no idea how to get your DH to cop on, since he clearly doesn't want to cop on. For reasons known only to himself.

Your DH seems very defensive btw OP.

What is the first language of each of these three people?
How well do they all speak English?
It is incredibly rude to speak a language that one person in the group cannot understand.
When I met the wife of one of DH's friends who I found rude and unpleasant, I said to him afterwards "I can't really see myself hanging out with her again" and his response was "no problem, we won't then". That was that. That is the normal response.

By the way, here is a better translation of Bogey's excellent statent (sorry Bogey!)

Vous êtes très impoli. Vous êtes chez moi et vous me traitez comme si je suis une serveuse.

C'est vachement tres impoli de parlez une langue qu'une de la groupe ne comprends pas.

Tu es encore plus impoli parce que tue es mon mari et tu ne fais rien.

S'il vous plaît quittez ma maison.

Next time they all do this (including your nob of a husband) speak up and stop being such a wet blanket.

They are all being rude speaking a language you don't understand in your own house. She is being rude and hostile by excluding you.

However, she is the least of your worries as you are not married to her. Your DH is being unacceptably rude, disrespectful and dismissive of you. The day my DH called me mad or shut me down like that would be the day our relationship ended.

She sounds a rude vache. Don't blame you for saying you won't have her round again. But it's also very rude of your husband and his friend that they don't make much effort to include you in conversations. And for your husband to be so unpleasant to you, that's awful. He needs pulling up on this.

When we have them round to dinner on DH's request, she makes negative remarks about the food in French.

I assume you are ensuring that your DH is the one who does all the cooking for these dinners? Cos no-one comes to my house twice who criticises the cooking.

I personally wouldn't socialise with them any more. They've made it obvious your contribution is optional to them by choosing to converse in a language you don't know. You would be far better off spending time with people who appreciate you and want to hear what you have to say - so go out and find some of them.

I imagine that if you made a sufficient fuss that they reverted to speaking in English this woman would just find other ways to exclude you from the conversation - they all went to the same university? That would become a major topic.

He says I am being super irrational and mad and he is not going to change his social life on the whims of a "mad person."

I'd tell him you find his behaviour super irrational and mad, too, and therefore won't be making any allowances for it in future.

Well, your husband has certainly be rude to you. That would bother me more than this woman. I would focus on the issue with your 'D'H, he is very dismissive of your feelings and that is not good.

I agree that there is no reason this woman should be invited to your house if you don't want her there.

I think you need to speak up - she's treating you like this because you're continuing to let her get away with it and, by extension, your DH. Get angry! If she walks away when you speak to her, tap her hard on the shoulder and say 'Excuse me, I was talking to you.' When they speak French, interrupt and ask for a translation. Make it very clear that you will not tolerate people being rude to you in your own home.

Make it clear to your husband that if they continue to disrespect you in your own house they'll be banned from it.

Never such stuff like this up... get them told.

*suck

My SIL used to be like this to me (the ignoring me when I spoke to her, turning away mid question and sitting chatting with others, excluding me). It all took place in English, however . It turned out she really was shy, ridiculous as that sounds. I found it incredibly rude at the time and now accept she's just a bit odd.

However she never made rude remarks about my cooking like that. I definitely would never have her over for dinner again. I think you're right there.

I agree with others that DH can't be expected to just go along with how you feel about her. But if you're getting left out it's partly his responsibility to turn the conversation back to English to include you. In fact it's up to all three of them as polite adults.

My DH can be a bit clueless about this. His family all sit around and talk Dutch although they all are bilingual. I tend to sit there and yawn. DH does translate for me though and they never deliberately exclude me. His best friend always talKs in English and DH replies in Dutch! It isn't deliberate though he said he finds it very hard to switch because he's so accustomed to it. When I said I felt uncomfortable he said not to worry we would just limit the amount of family stuff we go to.

Your DH is not being very understanding. He should listen to your concerns and deal with them not telling you that you are mad

Gosh, this would be a deal breaker for me. The woman, not so much, she is just taking advantage of the situation. Your husband is treating you like shit, has no manners, and she just takes her cue from him regard to showing you so much disrespect.

My husband is Polish. I dont speak Polish. I have never had to ask him to speak English, if we are in company that speak both languages. It is different if he talks to somebody that does not actually speak English, or enough English to carry a conversation. In those circumstances I just smile and nod and am quite happy to take a back seat. He would then turn to me ever so often and translate the gist of it to me, to include me.

Very rude woman and your dh. And mad person is dismissive and even more insulting.

Loving the French tips

I think your 'D'H is the problem here.

I don't understand how someone can be so 'shy' that they can ignore one person in the group despite the fact that they have obviously managed to get through uni and find a partner etc.
She sounds a complete cow. I wouldn't want her in my house but does that mean that 'd' h will just meet them out thus excluding you even more?
I like the idea of letting him invite them over but you just looking after yourself, cooking for and feeding only you and watching the telly /reading /listening to headphones whatever.

I agree with previous posters, they are all rude.
If he insists on having them over again I wouldn't cook for for them yourself. They're his guests who often exclude you, he can cook.
Then I'd do one of two things, either make plans & go out & let him explain why. Or stay in but not join in with their evening, watch tv, cook a different (better) meal & have a long bath.

She's sounds like a very insecure woman and you are right to trust your instinct however DH says you must have rattled her cage for her to feel like she has to undermine you and leave you out all the time

I'd rise above it and speak to your out of order "D" H him and his friends are being rude especially if they exclude you in your own home ! Tell him he can cook next time while you sit there drinking wine and chatting I bet they'll speak English then

Or you could take the bull by the horns and learn French in secret and the next time she slags off your food and hospitality in French respond in French

The only phrase you need to learn in french, is to say "how rude" which you can mutter under your breath, with a head shake.

Are they from a culture which usually undermine and disrespect women?