How do you think your DH should behave if there is a woman who is being hostile to you?

[Hedgehead]

There is a woman in mine and DH's social circle who is the girlfriend of one of his friends. DH really likes his friend, and his friend always comes with this woman, but I find her slightly hostile to me. It's nothing overt, but as a woman I notice.

For a start, she mostly refuses to speak to me in English (DH is tri-lingual, so is his friend, so is she - they all went to university in France together.) She asks me no questions about myself (ever), she walks away in the middle of me asking her a question and joins the men and talks in French to them. She does not look me in the eye or turn towards me when I'm talking to the group. When we have them round to dinner on DH's request, she makes negative remarks about the food in French.

At the dinners I end up sitting alone in a corner and she sits in a three with them talking in French. DH phrases his answers to her questions in English, but she responds in French. His friend does a mixture of the two. So I can never grab a thread of conversation or hear her opinion or know anything about her, because she does not address me in English.

We live in England, by the way!

She makes a point of addressing DH in English sometimes and it is always something flattering or a slightly flirtatious remark.

Whenever I tell DH about this he tells me I am being irrational. He says that she is shy. Did I not notice that she was shy? That I have to get used to not being the centre of attention. I say that he should trust my take on the situation and because we are married, trust me to have judged this correctly. He says I am being super irrational and mad and he is not going to change his social life on the whims of a "mad person." (DH is prone to exaggeration btw...)

So now I have said that I never want her to set foot in my house again (yes, quite extreme, but I hated being called mad...) and we are not talking to each other. He's watching TV, I'm in bed.

What would your DHs in this situation? What would you do? Do you think I am being irrational?

actually it is fucking rude to use a language that excludes one member of the group esp when you are not even in that country, as for making rude remarks about the food in french, there is only one phrase you need and i think that is something like 'en cule' non?
and your DH is bang out of order if he is trying to tell you this is ok.

it sounds as though she is insecure that you are there.They all sound a bit rude, and I am surprised that your dh is not respecting your feelings towards this behaviour. I would tread things carefully.
I'm sure if you told her to fuck off she'd understand that ;-)

it's the dinner s that has me vexed....

shame on her fancy frenchie for the first time, but shame on you for allowing her back!

Do some Joey from Friends french.... "de la flouff de flanear....tout de la fruit" and escort the ill mannered besom and her husband to the door!

She makes a point of addressing DH in English sometimes and it is always something flattering or a slightly flirtatious remark.

Now, why do you think she makes sure that you are included in this part of her communication?

Wow rude. Since none of them are French then that is just downright rude. I live in a Welsh speaking part of Wales and it is the first language of everyone here but most of us speak English when their is a non Welsh speaker amongst us .

Rude. Possibly unintentionally, but even if unintentional it's still rude. And I'm not sure I believe that she's shy anyway - why the pointed flirtatious remarks in English?

If it's not in your nature to make a fuss, or you don't want to stick with not having them in your house (which I'd do), simply absent yourself (and refuse to do any cooking/shopping/facilitating/childcare towards the evenings at all) with the excuse that since you get ignored why on earth would they miss you?

Personally, although this woman sounds unpleasant, I'd say the bigger problem is with your DH.

I was thinking the same Milly. A group of Welsh speakers would NEVER continue a conversation in Welsh when there is an English guest there.

Even though my DH would love to hear it.

What was their relationship in Uni op? Did it ever go further than friends? Did she have a crush on your DH then? Is he using it all as an ego massage?

Is she not French? I'm assuming someone in the group of three is a native speaker, otherwise WTF are they all doing speaking French to each other?

I'd actually be worrying if there was something going on. His reaction is odd.

"Is she not French? I'm assuming someone in the group of three is a native speaker, otherwise WTF are they all doing speaking French to each other?"

Being pretentious toss pots per chance?

I think the language factor is distracting from the main point, here.
It is not language that is the problem. We speak more than one language at home and there are as many ways of including people in multilingual conversations as there are of excluding people in monolingual conversations.
This woman is so out of order it is not true - taking a wild guess, I would say that in no country and in no language in the world is it acceptable to insult the food your host has made, or to walk away when someone is talking to you.
However, this isn't the issue either. It is the woman's problem if she is rude and ignorant, not the OP's.
The real problem here is the one the OP identifies: WTF is her H playing at!! His behaviour is totally unacceptable in a loving, supportive relationship and that is a problem for the OP.

Oh I presumed she was French. It's worse if their first language is English

Op, what a bitch.

Trust your instincts on this one. She is trying to get a rise out of you by making flirty remarks in English to your husband.

A friend of mine was like this once and I showed her the door. She was in my house one day and was at it again so I pulled her up on it there and then. She was trying to be me, copied my mannerisms, my hair colour, make up, baby names, you name it. So I said to her have you seen who is married to, burst out laughing and said it's time you left. Job done.

This woman is playing a game with you. She is trying to make it so uncomfortable for you that you don't come along anymore. And if you fall out with your husband in the process, that's a bonus.

I feel for you op. It's time to put your foot down.

Who has done the cooking that she's rude about?

I expect my man to take my side ALWAYS, even if I am being irrational, lol. Maybe sometimes I am 'mad' or 'silly', but if I think someone is a bitch, then I expect my partner to agree with me.

The op has put her foot down - it is her H who thinks that the woman is perfectly ok and that his wife is 'mad' and attention-seeking.

Oh tight. I should have read all replies.

I'm sorry.

Then op, you gave a problem with your husband. In this situation, I would cut all contact with this couple. Whether that's in one fail swoop or slowly is up to you. In other words whether you want your husband to know your game.

If he won't take your side, then maybe there's no other option.

Horrible situation op. I hope you don't have anything to worry about x.

I don't think it's rude that she chats to your husband and her partner more than you if they are all old friends. But they are all being twats to exclude you from the conversation if they continue to talk in french despite you not speaking it (and not being in France!)

The language thing is a problem when it is used to exclude people.

I would guess from all this that this woman and your husband have an unresolved sexual history.

yes quite, they are not in France, nor are they French, and they are using the language to exclude you from the conversation. what a bunch of rude twats.

What Milly says

We need you to come back and tell us

• are they French?
• Did your dh go and live in France and get to know them in French?

I know when people who are not living in their home country often do like the chance to speak in their mother tongue when the opportunity is there (usually when speaking to others from that country) However surely if you don't speak French then it is just rude for them all to continue to speak French in your home - I can't see why you are singling out this one woman. Just say "Oi people, remember I don't speak French, can you speak English please" and get on with it.

I don't think that a dh needs to agree with his wife on everything though, simply because she's his wife, or somehow being married to someone suddenly gives you magical powers to 'judge instinctively' dh and I are both adults who can make our own opinions about people we meet. The way you say that does make you sound odd IMO.

Op is discussing this woman and her behaviour for many more reasons than the language. The woman is rude and offensive and dismissive to Op.