How do you think your DH should behave if there is a woman who is being hostile to you?

[Hedgehead]

There is a woman in mine and DH's social circle who is the girlfriend of one of his friends. DH really likes his friend, and his friend always comes with this woman, but I find her slightly hostile to me. It's nothing overt, but as a woman I notice.

For a start, she mostly refuses to speak to me in English (DH is tri-lingual, so is his friend, so is she - they all went to university in France together.) She asks me no questions about myself (ever), she walks away in the middle of me asking her a question and joins the men and talks in French to them. She does not look me in the eye or turn towards me when I'm talking to the group. When we have them round to dinner on DH's request, she makes negative remarks about the food in French.

At the dinners I end up sitting alone in a corner and she sits in a three with them talking in French. DH phrases his answers to her questions in English, but she responds in French. His friend does a mixture of the two. So I can never grab a thread of conversation or hear her opinion or know anything about her, because she does not address me in English.

We live in England, by the way!

She makes a point of addressing DH in English sometimes and it is always something flattering or a slightly flirtatious remark.

Whenever I tell DH about this he tells me I am being irrational. He says that she is shy. Did I not notice that she was shy? That I have to get used to not being the centre of attention. I say that he should trust my take on the situation and because we are married, trust me to have judged this correctly. He says I am being super irrational and mad and he is not going to change his social life on the whims of a "mad person." (DH is prone to exaggeration btw...)

So now I have said that I never want her to set foot in my house again (yes, quite extreme, but I hated being called mad...) and we are not talking to each other. He's watching TV, I'm in bed.

What would your DHs in this situation? What would you do? Do you think I am being irrational?

She sounds like a cow! I would not want her in my home. A similar thing happened to me when I had to go for dinner at someone's house related to a partner of mine. The host speaks Italian and English. Because I didn't speak Italian at the time, the host was making an effort to speak only English so that I could be included in the conversation. But then there was this woman there who kept trying to cut me out by speaking only in Italian. I thought it was very rude. In your case this woman is also flirting with your DH. I would want her gone tbh.

"I would guess from all this that this woman and your husband have an unresolved sexual history"

Or dangling a promise of a to be resolved future?...he's too defensive for something from the long distant past IMO.

What an obnoxious woman and to be slagging you off in your own home. If I'd heard that (in English), she'd have been shown the door.

What's even more obnoxious however is your OHs allowance of being rude in front of you and him actually joining in by speaking in a language they all know you do not understand. I've been with my partner 12 years, he's not British, and every time I've visited is family abroad he has painstackingly translated every conversation I've had with every member of his family, it's called respect and understanding, your OH is devoid of this. You do actually need to tell him where to go until he behaves in a respectful manner to you, he seems to put all his energies into some French woman that thinks it's alright to insult you in your own home.

The woman is rude, the husband is ruder. Does he often call you mad OP?

I would want to be feeding her a laxative next time she came for dinner. Total bitch, no excuse. That said, your h is way out of order too. Does he always insult you and call you names?

Yes good point - your husband is totally out of order. I would want to know why he thinks it's ok for your to be marginalised and disrespected in your own home! OP.

It's in situations like this that I wish I had a really thick skin, so that I could butt in and say "what was that she said?" to the DH every minute or so that she spoke, until it completely disrupted their conversation and mirrored their rudeness.

What has your DH said this morning, OP? Hope you are okay and not too upset. I hate going to bed on an argument.

i would do that too I think wallybanters - just keep demanding instant translations - ffs it is just so so rude to do to someone in their own house!
i recall plenty of conversations held in pidgin Polish/German/English with nobody excluded.

This story reminds me abit about when I was the girlfriend and got introduced to my now Dh's friends.

There was one particular woman who, although didn't speak in a different language made absolutely no effort to get to know me and was very flirty, tactile with Dh, and other men in our group. Dh didn't notice until I pointed it out. We stopped seeing them so much socially.

In our case I don't think she ever fancied Dh but just felt more comfortable in men's company. Me being a new girlfriend was a threat to that friendship.

10 years on although not close we are friends.

With regard to your Dh calling you mad, that is more worrying, my Dh would never do that.

Yes, but only to say it when the rude woman spoke, and not addressing her, but addressing your husband.

Although a rude finger point right over the boeuf à la Bourguignonne might be a nice accompaniment.

I would even go as far as to add in some hair twirling and giggling when the other bloke spoke "ooh say that to me again, it sounds so romantic when you say things in French, you sound much more romantic than DH"

yes do not make eye contact with her at all and just say 'what did she say John darling?' every time she speaks...

I think your husband calling you mad and irrational is the worrying thing here - does he always minimise your feelings and refuse to admit he is wrong?

This woman's behaviour is appalling but so is your DH and his friend for joining in.
I suspect the woman has picked up on the lack of respect that your DH and his friend have for you and is joining in with them to be part of their "gang".

If this was happening in a school it would be called bullying by exclusion, for that is what it is. Your husband denying you the right to have feelings is also worrying.

Has your DH always been so disrespectful towards you?

You could always learn another language that your DH doesn't know then start inviting other said random language speakers round for dinner, and spend the night conversing in that language. Then see how DH bloody likes being excluded from conversation, then tell him when he complains that you'll carry on regardless.

Of course that would be rather time consuming and ultimately quite pointless. Sorry, I'm in a rather petty mood today!

And being shy is not an excuse for being fucking rude and if your DH can't grasp that them maybe he's "mad"

also (warming to this theme now!) being "shy" (unless you are under ten), often means "egotistical wanker" IME

Laughing at OP's description of this woman as "slightly hostile" .

Where is the OP anyway?
DH had a friend like this - cut me dead; if i was talking to her she would actually turn away mid-sentence (mine) to talk to someone else, or just walk away. Complete cow/bitch
I know what I'd do if i was excluded like that - i'd go to the bar, and start chatting (in English!) to whomsoever I could engage (if that happened to be a group of blokes, well, DH would soon notice.) That's MY idea of a night out!

Hi - sorry, I have weird access to the internet and only just got back online.

They are Palestinian - so their first language is Arabic, but they also speak French. Many Arabs go to university in France. These three went to the same university (but not at the same time - the woman is younger than my H and her P)

MY DH was responding in English in response to HER French (I said so in the original post) so I thought that he was aware of what was happening and when they left we would both be thinking FFS, we are never having them around again.

But what surprised me was that when they left, DH closed to door and said "it was so nice to see them."

I said WTF??! That was awful, I said "I am seething inside from the way she treated me, and I never want her in my house again."

He was taken aback and said what the hell is the matter? Why were you so antisocial? I was catching my breath and saying did you SEE how she walked away from me? How she excluded me from the conversation by speaking French? How she criticised my cooking? (She had said something in French pointing to the chicken and my DH had responded "the chicken is dry? Oh, I'm sorry... what can we do?" and she shrugged her shoulders and said she wanted some mayonnaise or ketchup to make it taste better. Once he'd fetched it for her he asked "is it ok?" and she shrugged again and said "cava.")

He said he did not see what the problem was. That she was a very, very shy woman and wasn't that obvious to me? And why was I picking on someone who was so shy and being so extreme by saying they could never come in my house again?

The whole thing escalated and I got very angry because I was totally in disbelief that he did not see what was happening - and then it ended with him telling me that I was upset because 'for once' I was not the centre of attention.

I haven't spoken to him all day but he's just tried to speak to me now, and told me that "part of marriage is to attempt to moderate the other person if you think that their assumptions are irrational or wrong. You cannot be angry at me for disagreeing with you..."

You cannot be angry at me for disagreeing with you...

And by the same token he cannot be angry with you for disagreeing with him. I would say he's welcome to have them over again but (a) he will be cooking and (b) he'll ask them to speak in English. Not just reply in English but specifically ask them to speak in English. If their English isn't strong enough to be able to enjoy a relaxing evening if they have to speak it, fine, you'll leave them to it. (I fully sympathise by wanting to switch from a weaker language to a stronger language in the evening - I was once left out of a 'girls' night' on a project in Scandinavia as I was the only one who didn't speak the native language, and one of the other women felt her English wasn't strong enough to be able to speak it all evening comfortably - I completely understood and wasn't at all offended by this).

If the situation were reversed, and he had been offended by one of your friends but you genuinely couldn't see the problem, what would you think was a reasonable compromise? I personally think it would be to respect his wishes not to have the offender in the house again, whilst fully expecting that the friendship would continue elsewhere.

Part of being married is to talk rationally about things not shut the other down as man and irrational

Mad!

She is being very rude & in your position I would call her on it, every.fucking.time.

I would suggest that any other get together is without you. I find it very rude that they would talk in a different language and I'm surprised your husband does not agree.

She sounds really shy, pointing out that the meal was dry

Mayonnaise or Ketchup on the chicken you cooked!!!! WTF!!!
Your husband encouraging her and apologizing for your cooking?
This gets worse and worse.
Knowing they are Palestinian educated in France makes it 100 times worse again - knowing just how important manners are in those two cultures.
Sorry but 'making them speak English' is not the answer.
Something is going on here. Sounds very much like h showing off and sucking up at the expense of your feelings and dignity.

Your OH is a knob to put her feelings above yours and she seems to have him dangling on every word.

Another thing, she aint shy I can assure you of that.

Stand your ground, let him come out with all his parodies, you know this woman doesn't like you and even has the audacity to show you that in your own home when you have cooked a meal. That's got FA to do with what nationality you are.