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Original poster

My husband and his problems

106 replies

KatieWitchWay · 10/01/2014 21:30

Hi,

I'm new to this site and I am looking for advice on depression I think.

A few years ago my husband took redundancy from a job he was unhappy in to start his own business and unbeknown to me regretted the decision almost immediately.

I supported us financially for a year, which I was happy to do but I was unhappy for him to spend all his time in bed and my efforts to get him to find a dream and chase it made him feel inadequate. This is something he's only recently told me.

Our relationship started to deteriorate slowly. So slowly I didn't notice for a long time and I had a baby.

He became extremely selfish and moody. He began to masturbate instead of having sex with me and I felt very rejected.

A few weeks before Christmas I had enough and told him to shape up or our marriage was over and he started to see a therapist. He admitted today that this behaviour, withdrawing and masturbating is actually the reason his two previous LTRs failed, so it is a pattern.

I feel at a bit of a disadvantage, like I am waiting for him to figure out what is wrong with him and what causes it before the real "DH" returns. I want to find out information on what this is. Is it depression? Is it an addiction?

Does anyone have any experiences or can you point me to any information I can read?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 10/01/2014 21:32

Has the therapist offered any advice?

Original poster
KatieWitchWay · 10/01/2014 21:35

He says it is early days and they are just talking about him and his unhappiness at the moment, not me or our relationship. It's person centred therapy, so very much him talking about his woes and her listening.

I feel like we can't move forward until he addresses his behaviour towards me, accepts it and figures out why it happened so he won't do it again.

But apparently the counsellor said that would come with time

OP posts:
Original poster
KatieWitchWay · 10/01/2014 21:36

I feel a bit impatient TBH. Maybe I'm part of the problem?

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 10/01/2014 21:38

Maybe he should move out while he figures out what's wrong with him and why he treats you like shite.

If you're still interested when he's done his navel gazing, then maybe you'll take him back.

Or maybe you'll have moved on.

Hassled · 10/01/2014 21:41

He sounds pretty self-absorbed (which I know is part of depression) - it must be very hard for you. And you're right, you are at a disadvantage - the ball is firmly in his court.

Would it help if you took some control back - gave yourself some sort of deadline, even if you don't express it to him? So, say, if in 6 month's time or a year's time he's still in this fug then you reassess what you want?

JeanSeberg · 10/01/2014 21:42

You're quite right to be impatient. And bloody angry too I expect. He's given himself permission to check out of family life in effect.

Person centred therapy won't necessarily bring up a magical solution.

I don't think you'll get any better advice than Join's.

Original poster
KatieWitchWay · 10/01/2014 21:47

Trouble is, I'm just worried if I do that, I'm being unfair and kicking him while he's down. So I'm just trying to figure out whether there is something really wrong with him or he's just never going to change.

It was a bit of a kick in the teeth when he admitted he had treated his exes in exactly the same way. I feel like he tricked me, by marrying me and not fixing himself first. Is that unreasonable?

So yes, I am angry

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 10/01/2014 21:48

This is the third time this has happened and he's only sought help under duress.

Hassled · 10/01/2014 21:48

I'd be angry too. He has issues he didn't tell you about, and that's not fair of him.

You don't actually say if you still love him. Do you?

MajesticWhine · 10/01/2014 21:49

This is my guess work, might be wrong: maybe he is ashamed of his failure professionally and his shame over this makes him unable to be intimate with you, as it makes him feel inadequate. So it feels safer to withdraw from the relationship. Possibly he has an avoidant attachment style stemming from emotionally avoidant relationships with parent(s).
Difficult to fix that in the short term, but I think the idea of some sort of a deadline isnt a bad one, if only to be fair to yourself.

Original poster
KatieWitchWay · 10/01/2014 21:51

Do I love him? I don't know. I don't love the man he has been the last couple of years but for the first few of our relationship he was wonderful.

He says he is devastated and when I talk of the things he has done he doesn't recognise that person. But after today, I just think he must recognise him, he's BEEN him twice before!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
KatieWitchWay · 10/01/2014 21:53

Is it difficult to fix majestic?

Wouldn't I be copping out if I said you've got six months or I'm off?

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 10/01/2014 21:54

He doesn't recognise that person because he doesn't WANT to recognise the kind of person he is.

Maybe one day he'll recognise that it's not some stranger doing all this stuff, it's him doing it.

But you don't owe him waiting around to find out if he'll change.

You are unhappy and you don't know if you love him. You are allowed to continue with your plan to end the relationship.

JaceyBee · 10/01/2014 21:55

Person centered counselling can be fantastic but it is a long game. Behavioural therapy would address the masturbation directly but may not deal with the underlying issues as effectively. I would see how it plays out, it's a very positive step that he is in therapy. Is there lot of porn use with the masturbation do you know?

DIYapprentice · 10/01/2014 22:02

Why is he allowed to cop out but you aren't?!

Why does he get to treat you like shit and yet have you waiting on him to 'sort himself out'.

He owes you JUST AS MUCH as you owe him. Don't EVER forget that. He has failed, utterly and totally. It's up to you whether you want to give him any time to sort himself out, and you would be completely in the right to tell him to pack his gear and go. As you said, he's been that man before, he knows his susceptibility to this type of depression and he's done NOTHING to prevent it. He's done NOTHING to prevent you and your child, the people who he should love more than anyone else in the world, being impacted by it negatively.

Original poster
KatieWitchWay · 10/01/2014 22:03

I feel like I can't plan a future with him until he does accept responsibility for his behaviour. He has upset me a great deal so many times in the last couple of years. But I think it's going to transpire that it's all because of his problem and I don't think that will be acceptable to me. And then I'll probably be the worlds biggest bitch.

There was porn use yes, but I suspect he is downplaying just how much

OP posts:
Original poster
KatieWitchWay · 10/01/2014 22:05

I could accept withdrawing and withholding sex as some part of intimacy issue but I need to understand if being awful is part of that or another choice entirely

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MajesticWhine · 10/01/2014 22:09

If he tends to withdraw from relationships as a repeating pattern, then yes that could be difficult to "fix". But I would guess the situation can be improved, because as you said, things were a lot better previously. Perhaps, as I suggested, the withdrawal was triggered by shame and low self esteem, so him working on his self esteem might enable your relationship to improve.

Anyhow, just because he has an issue, does not mean you have to just put up with it, or that he shouldn't take responsibility for his actions.

JeanSeberg · 10/01/2014 22:10

How far into the previous relationships did these issues appear?

Original poster
KatieWitchWay · 10/01/2014 22:12

Thanks maj

Both relationships lasted around five/six years and started to go bad about three years in. So pretty much the same blueprint. The difference is, I married him

OP posts:
Original poster
KatieWitchWay · 10/01/2014 22:14

DIY you pretty much summed up my anger with your last paragraph

OP posts:
DIYapprentice · 10/01/2014 22:31

And you are allowed to be angry. You have every right to be angry. He lied to you, if not outright, then by omission. He put himself first every step of the way.

Now it's time for you to put yourself first. If you want to wait and see what happens because you want to, then stay. If you don't want to, then don't. You don't owe him anything anymore. You've done more than your fair share.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 10/01/2014 22:57

"And then I'll probably be the worlds biggest bitch."

According to whom?

Most reasonable people don't think you have to stay in a shitty relationship that makes you unhappy just because the person claims to be depressed.

TalkativeJim · 10/01/2014 23:09

'Both relationships lasted around five/six years and started to go bad about three years in. So pretty much the same blueprint.'

  • and yet you definitely consider the 'real' DH to be the one you only get to see for the first half of each relationship? If you two continue in your relationship much longer, he'll have been crap DH for longer than he was good DH. And it isn't just a one-off, something brought on by circumstances, it happens every time, the same way, with completely different people and different situations. Basically - this IS him, isn't it? Sounds like he can make an effort to be someone he essentially ISN'T for a maximum of about three years, and then...

I'm not sure people can really change, so I may not be the best person to advise, but this particular person... well I think it REALLY sounds like he is unlikely to be able to change. The therapy is good, really. But I would NOT hang around for very long at all. And I would not call that cruel, I would call it realistic.

Original poster
KatieWitchWay · 10/01/2014 23:09

I know this makes me sound utterly ridiculous and really it shouldn't matter, but I keep thinking of his parents. And his 90 year old nana. They have been so good to me and they know he is in therapy and things aren't good and they are so worried.

Oh god, I'm annoying myself. I know I shouldn't care what anyone else thinks. I just want to to do the right thing, but I can't see a way forward in all honesty.

I can't forget about his actions

But it feels like now he has seen the error of his ways and is trying to change, I'm duty bound to give him another shot.

But no matter how much I cried and begged, he wouldn't do anything or changein anyway. Now, A few therapy sessions and he's crying "mistaken identity". It feels insulting. I appreciate the therapy might help him with the sex stuff and the withdrawal but how will I know he won't be horrible to live with anymore? I mean he won't get an "I'm not a twat anymore" certificate will he.

I'm getting more annoyed the more I think about it

OP posts: