My husband and his problems

[KatieWitchWay]

Hi,

I'm new to this site and I am looking for advice on depression I think.

A few years ago my husband took redundancy from a job he was unhappy in to start his own business and unbeknown to me regretted the decision almost immediately.

I supported us financially for a year, which I was happy to do but I was unhappy for him to spend all his time in bed and my efforts to get him to find a dream and chase it made him feel inadequate. This is something he's only recently told me.

Our relationship started to deteriorate slowly. So slowly I didn't notice for a long time and I had a baby.

He became extremely selfish and moody. He began to masturbate instead of having sex with me and I felt very rejected.

A few weeks before Christmas I had enough and told him to shape up or our marriage was over and he started to see a therapist. He admitted today that this behaviour, withdrawing and masturbating is actually the reason his two previous LTRs failed, so it is a pattern.

I feel at a bit of a disadvantage, like I am waiting for him to figure out what is wrong with him and what causes it before the real "DH" returns. I want to find out information on what this is. Is it depression? Is it an addiction?

Does anyone have any experiences or can you point me to any information I can read?

Thanks in advance

What a load of sanctimonious apologist bullshit.

Oh, sorry, JoinYourPlayfellows you must have missed the bit where I said Depression manifests in all sorts of ways which I was told by a GP, the community team, and one of the therapists.

I was in no way was suggesting a similarity as evinced by I couldn't go out in public, or meet anyone. It took a long time for me to go into a shopping centre and I couldn't have coped with a cinema; as I said though it takes folk in different ways.

Some self-medicate; I barely touched alcohol.

I was also supporting the use of personal counselling, and trying - evidently poorly - to explain why that might take some time for results.

If he's told the OP he is suffering depression, certainly not unreasonable to check that he's gone/suggest he pays a visit to their GP.

JeanSeberg
What a load of sanctimonious apologist bullshit.

Nah, just experience from someone with a history of mental illness. I don't know what you experienced, but if it made you a better person I shudder to think what you were like before.

JeanSeberg
I've been through a very similar situation to the one you described which I think places me in a good position to know that this guy is seriously taking the piss.

OK, more clearly for the hard of understanding.
That is absolute bullshit.

"you must have missed the bit where I said Depression manifests in all sorts of ways which I was told by a GP, the community team, and one of the therapists."

No, I saw that.

But I didn't think you literally meant ALL sorts of ways, as in it could manifest itself in a person having no symptoms of depression at all and having no input from anyone expert that indicated they had depression.

I mean, that would mean that depression didn't exist because it is something that would be true of every human on the planet at all times everywhere.

Depression is an actual illness, not just a get out of jail free card for long-term pisstakers who have finally had their number called.

God there are some tedious men on this site. It amazes me, as I don't come across guys like this in real life. Quite worrying that they bother to post advice on a parenting site. They must think they have some wisdom or something.

Poster, women are always being told they've got to stand by ridiculous men even when they are making life intolerable and unhappy.

Your guy's counselor sounds like a peach...I don't think. She agrees it's 'minor' emotional abuse? How the hell does she get to judge it's minor? She hasn't heard your story!! Remember, counselor's absorb the same message as all women - stand by your man.

Even if this guy is depressed, it doesn't follow he's got the right to treat you this badly. Millions of depressed people don't act like him.

After your health news, think about it as a Carpe Diem moment. You don't have to be unhappy for a moment longer if you choose not to.

I don't really know what to say chap except to reiterate that he hasn't been diagnosed with depression and that if he has a mental illness then of course I would be supporting him.

He is paying for his counselling privately and hasn't been to the GP. He is actively seeking help for his issues and if he felt he needed to be treated for depression I have no doubt he would go.

My original post was to see if the way he is behaving pointed towards depression. I didn't know if a fear of intimacy and his masturbation compulsion was symptomatic of depression and rightly or wrongly I wanted to put a label on what is going on with him so I could try to understand it and I would know better if I could/should support him any further.

"if OP wants to leave that's fine; if she wants to chuck his idle arse out of the house while he finds himself, also fine by me. I just hope that if she, or some of the more "robust" posters here end up with depression/low mood, they get the support they may need, and the understanding I got from my wife."

I certainly have tried to be understanding of his issues, but I actually can't say the same for him. I think I have already mentioned on this thread but over a year ago I felt so low because of the state of our relationship, I visited my GP and was offered treatment for depression myself. He didnt do anything to support me and actually never mentioned it again after I initially told him.

This isn't about an eye for an eye though. And I hope most people who have read the whole thread will have been able to see that actually I have been agonising on what to do for the best and that I am not looking to kick a man when he is down or abandon my husband if he is mentally ill.

But there might not be anything that is pathologically wrong - and even if there is that doesn't mean you have to stay with him.

I understand your need for labels, but what's preventing you from just giving him a label for his personality and his fitness to be a partner?

You don't need permission from anyone to say he's not what you want in a partner. Really you don't.

I know ton I just found it hard to say to myself or anyone else he wasn't what I wanted in a partner if there was a chance that he just needed my support and his behaviour wasn't his fault.

But I think I'm coming to the conclusion that actually, whether he will face it or not, he does have full autonomy over his own actions.

Today he is disappointed because I was not enthusiastic about his plan for a Charlie and Lola tattoo and I just think, honestly, my patience is running out. I don't think it's mental health anymore, I really don't.

Neither do I.

I don't think he does either, or else he would have gone to a doctor.

Are you sure he hasn't been having sex with anyone else for the past 2 years since all this started?

Yeah, he doesn't go anywhere except for work. And I have checked that in the past.

He tends to work late afternoons/nights, mostly 6/7 days a week and has admitted he will spend the morning/afternoon on the settee masturbating, while me and DD are out.

He says it takes up hours of his time now and he gets a bruised penis so then goes to work and doesn't have to put up with any unwanted advances off me. Ugh!

Ugh is right.

You have an exciting life to lead away from this turd of a man.

I want to come round and help you pack his bags.

I would be interested to know if his therapist is qualified and NHS accredited. There are all sorts of quacks out there who do counselling for all the wrong reasons.

Also, is he reluctant to visit his GP? If so, I wonder why? There are some very good drugs available for depression and counselling available if appropriate in his case. Depression can be a wretched illness

To be honest it sounds like he has successfully manipulated everyone around him for quite some time. Now you smell a rat! He sounds nasty and controlling - his behaviour is not normal I think he has taken advantage of your kindness and good nature. Just because you can be sympathetic and help him does not mean you have to. You need some distance from him and he needs to get himself to a GP. Then perhaps you can look at the relationship and decide if YOU want to continue with this sham of a marriage.

I told him I want a separation this afternoon. He doesn't want to and is very upset and says he won't leave.

I told him I can't see a way forward with it all without having some space. I am angry with him at his behaviour and there is no way I can envisage wanting to be physical with him agai. After everything that has happened. I said he should have space to sort himself out too.

I am going to my sisters with DD next week.

I checked jam and she has a lot less than the one I saw through nhs last year.

What does this mean? Is it what you would expect?

BACP registered
Diploma in Person Centred Counselling
ABC Award Level 4 Diploma in the Theory and Practice of Counselling
ABC Award Level 3 Certificate in Counselling Skills
BA Honors (2:1) in an subject no related to psychology. Didnt want to say what In case it was identifying

Very sorry that your marriage has come to this Katie. I hope you at least feel better for making a decision.

Take it a day at a time. I'm glad you've got a sister you can visit. You can decide what you want to happen next while you are there.

Good call poster!

What options are available to you if he hasn't gone by the time you get back from sis's?

To be honest, ill or no, after what he has said to you according to your post of 07.27, that would be the final nail in the coffin. He may be upset but he wants to put in zero effort and be as bloody rude to you as he feels like and is expecting you to just accept it. Sod that! He is a pillock who should get a tattoo of a bruised penis with a hand jiggling up and down it, a mans hand!

Well...I dont think I'm going to push it in terms of getting him to move out. This place is rented and as he has said he doesn't want to leave, he can stay and I think I'll just stay at Dsis's until I find somewhere. She has the space and has said we are welcome.

So I'll start looking around next week. There's a lot of financials to sort out with H but I did a tax credit check today and I'll get enough to help me go it alone I think.

I'm prepared to fight tooth and nail over the settee though. I bloody love it. Hehe I know that is very flippant and I probably won't really, but I do like it a lot.

It's sad really. Definitely not what you sign up for when you get married and try for a baby. I feel awful for DD but I know it makes sense and she will be fine. We'll stay in the general area and we have lots of family nearby so she is used to going in and out of houses and staying over etc.

So that's it I suppose....

H is still very upset and says he will do anything. And you know, I don't doubt that he is sorry and that he does love me in his own way, but even when I feel so bad for him and think ill just give in, I actually don't see how I can?? There is literally no way forward for us now. Intimacy has gone, my confidence and desire has gone, I don't trust him to behave properly towards me because he doesn't get it. I'll just be waiting for him to let it all slip and be awful again. His issues are a long time off being sprted. It's completely untenable really.

I really am very grateful for the support by the way x

Oh and dinnae that does sound like a really disgusting tattoo!!

Late to the thread. You do sound very relieved! I think you are ready to move on. Have you been watching Borgen? There is a character, Kaspar, who is exactly that (problems with intimacy).

Hi Katie, hope you're feeling OK today.

You sound like you've got everything under control and a plan in place. I'm sure you've already thought of it but I would also get an appointment with a solicitor, just to make sure you are fully aware of your rights and haven't missed anything.

Well done, Katie.

I hope you are feeling OK in the cold light of the next day :)

Good advice from JeanSeberg to see a solicitor.

So pleased for you OP, if you haven't already I'd read 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft. I read about it on another thread and I'm currently reading it whilst planning a new life for me and DD :-)

The self indulgent 'new me' part of your posts rang true with me too. Its all just validation fir him to continue to put his needs first.

Good Luck :-)

I missed these last replies, but thanks again.

Still ploughing on. H has gone to his mums now until we move out next week. A good friend is asking her lawyer husband for a solicitors recommendation.

All feels very weird,

Thanks for the recommendation knowledge