My husband and his problems

[KatieWitchWay]

Hi,

I'm new to this site and I am looking for advice on depression I think.

A few years ago my husband took redundancy from a job he was unhappy in to start his own business and unbeknown to me regretted the decision almost immediately.

I supported us financially for a year, which I was happy to do but I was unhappy for him to spend all his time in bed and my efforts to get him to find a dream and chase it made him feel inadequate. This is something he's only recently told me.

Our relationship started to deteriorate slowly. So slowly I didn't notice for a long time and I had a baby.

He became extremely selfish and moody. He began to masturbate instead of having sex with me and I felt very rejected.

A few weeks before Christmas I had enough and told him to shape up or our marriage was over and he started to see a therapist. He admitted today that this behaviour, withdrawing and masturbating is actually the reason his two previous LTRs failed, so it is a pattern.

I feel at a bit of a disadvantage, like I am waiting for him to figure out what is wrong with him and what causes it before the real "DH" returns. I want to find out information on what this is. Is it depression? Is it an addiction?

Does anyone have any experiences or can you point me to any information I can read?

Thanks in advance

I hope you have something nice planned for the weekend Katie.

How's things today?

Wishing you all the very best OP. I'm sure things will work out well for you.

Perhaps you should toss for ownership of the sofa?

I know I'm really late to this thread, but as the child of a similar marriage to the one you're describing, I just wanted to wish you all the best for the future. My mum put up with a decade or more of emotional abuse/unfaithfulness/financial abuse because those around her convinced her it was cruel to abandon a man who was suffering with depression (he was diagnosed). She only left when she realised how much it was affecting me & my siblings.

It's 20 years since my parents split up & from my experience 1) The reasons for abuse behaviour don't make abuse any easier to live with, nor is there any reason why you should have to 2) It is extremely hard to repair a relationship when it's been based on only one persons needs being met for such a long time - it's ok not to love someone who has been treating you badly for years. I still don't have the relationship I would have had with my dad if he'd been able to be a real father during my childhood. I still love him, but some things you can't get back. 3) you can't 'fix' someone who is seriously depressed. It is extremely hard, painful, work for that person, with the support of professionals. A loving wife, or a perfect daughter (which I thought I had to be), won't make it better and you can't force someone else to deal with it. 4) I used to see my dad as two people - the 'good' and the 'bad'. Actually, neither was real. Who he really was was buried under a lot of pain and damage. The 'good' was the person he thought would be loved and accepted, but it wasn't him. He's now the real him & that's a really great person, but very different indeed.

I also know that my dad would never advocate someone staying with an emotionally abusive partner because they had depression. In fact, it's something he feels quite strongly about.

Finally, I think person centred counselling is great for lots of things, but if he's seriously ill to the point where only his needs count then he needs more intensive support. I find it unlikely his counsellor is setting the timetable for him (of when the abuse can be addressed) or defining his treatment of you as minor or major - but he's free to tell you whatever he wants because it's his confidential counselling session.

Thank you everybody for checking in, I've only just noticed there were more comments on the thread.

We're at my Dsis's at the moment and its all pretty weird. I'm actually really enjoying it and so is DD. i Come crashing back to reality though when I see H. He's being really nice and trying to be kind about everything. he is lost and is very emotional. I want to help but I don't know how I can.

Things keep cropping up everyday which infuriate me, mainly about money and how he just cannot be left responsible for anything. We had to swap cars a few days ago because he has been driving mine for the last few months and when he handed it back it was a wreck. The clutch had gone and so had two wheel bearings. The mechanic said the wheel could have fallen off at any point and he's been driving DD around in it. He didn't take it in because he just didn't want to pay for it. Thats just one example of when I just find it hard to be supportive when he is completely checking out of all responsibility and can't think any further then himself.

littletwbby thank you so much for your comment. I identified with a lot of it and also you have helped put into words a lot of what I was feeling but didn't know how to express. Thanks

Katie your story here has many echoes of my own, I left last summer. Take time to just breathe right now. I wish you and your dd well