My husband and his problems

[KatieWitchWay]

Hi,

I'm new to this site and I am looking for advice on depression I think.

A few years ago my husband took redundancy from a job he was unhappy in to start his own business and unbeknown to me regretted the decision almost immediately.

I supported us financially for a year, which I was happy to do but I was unhappy for him to spend all his time in bed and my efforts to get him to find a dream and chase it made him feel inadequate. This is something he's only recently told me.

Our relationship started to deteriorate slowly. So slowly I didn't notice for a long time and I had a baby.

He became extremely selfish and moody. He began to masturbate instead of having sex with me and I felt very rejected.

A few weeks before Christmas I had enough and told him to shape up or our marriage was over and he started to see a therapist. He admitted today that this behaviour, withdrawing and masturbating is actually the reason his two previous LTRs failed, so it is a pattern.

I feel at a bit of a disadvantage, like I am waiting for him to figure out what is wrong with him and what causes it before the real "DH" returns. I want to find out information on what this is. Is it depression? Is it an addiction?

Does anyone have any experiences or can you point me to any information I can read?

Thanks in advance

Who actually put the mental health label on his behaviour OP?

Im not sure to be honest jean, I feel very confused about it all. When he first went to therapy, he said he was going for a sex addiction. But now he says his counsellor doesn't think it is an addiction. She said it has been a pattern of behaviour that he needs to figure out the cause for. Im not sure if that's classed as mental health or not

She has also agreed his behaviour towards me was minor emotional abuse but says they'll get to that later.

When we talk about his unhappiness around work and our general life I have wondered if was depression, but nobody else has mentioned it. I think I, just desperately looking for something I can understand

Oh and she also said he has a fear of intimacy

To me he seems like a lazy, irresponsible wanker (literally). He must have thanked his lucky stars when the term depression/mental health was hung on his condition because it gives him carte blanche to treat you like shit.

You've got a lot more patience than I have.

Thanks. I can't make up my mind whether I am being patient or unkind and unsupportive.

I'm just going round in circles. I can't see how this is going to be resolved at all. I feel like I want to sit round a table with his exes and a bottle of wine. Obviously, that won't happen.

He has just gone out for a run as part of the new him. Even that is irritating me, when I know I should just be pleased he is making changes.

There is such a thing as too little too late.

Anyway, to give you a break, could you plan a night out/weekend away with friends? A bit of distance and thinking time?

He doesn't have a diagnosed mental illness, does he?

He's just pulled the "I have a problem" card out to stop you leaving, like lots of assholes do when their victim has finally had enough.

And as you can see from this thread, even the mere hint that he might have some kind of "problem" means that as a woman, it is supposedly your responsibility to fuck up your life looking after him.

"when i talk about his behaviour towards me, he doesn't really respond. And he says we can talk about that in time. "

He was ABUSIVE towards you, two counsellors have confirmed that but he is telling you that you have to wait until he decides that can be dealth with?

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Abusers are always self-diagnosing themselves with various mental illnesses that make the abuse something they can't help.

It's bullshit. Don't fall for it.

Nobody owes their abuser support while they pretend to stop being abusive.

A friend of mine said something similar join that the problem is, women are expected to want to do whatever it takes to preserve the marriage and people are shocked when they don't.

I don't know if that is true. But it feels like it.

Yes thanks jean, I think time out is needed. I am going to call friends and make my escape.

Good to hear Katie, glad you have some friends to call on.

Yes, very good to hear :)

Ah thanks!

Two things to consider I feel. First is, is it depression? How does he behave when he is away from you? If he is depressed then he is depressed in all areas of his life. On the two occasions I have had depression, looking at porn is the last thing I wanted to do but that may be just me or just a female perspective. I would try and do a bit of detective work to find out how he deals with the other aspects of his life to try and gauge. If the therapist is right and its a fear of intimacy then he has less excuse for treating you like dirt surely? He also has done this twice before so it could be argued that he should be guarding against it perhaps?
Thing two. What do you want to do KatieWitch? No-one is looking out for you it seems. Maybe it is a situation where you should not wait for some label to be attached to his behaviour, perhaps make a decision that suits you and you alone. A friend of mine went through a slightly similar situation and she divorced her DH as she felt that was the right thing to do. They got back together but as they are not married, she feels more in control and he feels less entitled. The relationship works better for their DCs too. If you divorced it doesn't have to be the end of the relationship with him if he (miraculously) turned into Mr. Wonderful if you both don't want it to be the end.

How was the rest of your weekend Katie?

Weekend has been a weird one really.

My DP told me and my sisters (there are five of us) that my DF has been diagnosed with a serious heart condition, it's actually a ticking time bomb, and means genetic testing and the real possibility 50% of us and our DC will have the same disease. Apparently, he is lucky he is still here as it has not been picked up before.

So, there hasn't really been much time to think about my marriage. But if anything it has highlighted the fragility of life and the fact three years is way too big a proportion if it to be unhappy.

As for H, we had a conversation where he said he does want to deal with his bad behaviour towards me, but doesn't know what to say because he still can't see where he went wrong.

This includes the stonewalling, guilt tripping me whenever I wanted to leave the house, telling me quite harshly to keep the noise down when I was in labour, causing huge rows before major events and holidays away, criticising, not helping with DD or around the house or taking responsibility for ANYTHING. I could go on and on.

He has gone to the cinema this weekend as part of his rediscovery of himself and is thinking of getting a tattoo. He also went to do a 5K run which last year I wanted to do but he rowed with me because I had already been for one run that week and he didnt think I ought to leave him to look after DD again.

When everything with my family has died down I am going to ask him to move out. I am less and less convinced about the depression. He is pretty grumpy in everyday life but then always has been. I don't know anything about depression and I really hope I don't sou d ignorant or offensive but I am guessing that if he had depression that would cause so much shit behaviour, he wouldn't be going running or to the cinema. Or clothes shopping.

Not that it matters anymore I don't think.

It's been a weekend of clarity.

Sorry to hear about your family's health problems, Katie, and your father in particular. I hope that they will be able to treat his condition and that the rest of the family can get the testing soon.

With regards your husband, his depression seems to mysteriously switch on and off doesn't it. He's got the motivation to go to the cinema, go running but is depressed when he's back home. Oh and rediscovery... tattoo... sounds more like a midlife crisis to me. From my own personal experience of depression, it's a constant in your life, not something that comes and goes.

I think your plan to ask him to move out is a good one and I'm pleased to see that you are thinking about yourself. You don't need to put any timescale on how long he moves out for, you can see what happens at that point.

he does want to deal with his bad behaviour towards me, but doesn't know what to say because he still can't see where he went wrong

I don't see how you can move forward from this point...

Final point, if he really is depressed, presumably he is making a GP appointment?

Sorry to hear about your father's health, Katie, and the possible implications for the rest of you :(

he said he does want to deal with his bad behaviour towards me, but doesn't know what to say because he still can't see where he went wrong.

This just jumps out - I mean, he "wants to deal with his bad behaviour" but at the same time he clearly doesn't accept that any of his behaviour was actually bad. It's just bullshit. More bullshit.

He has gone to the cinema this weekend as part of his rediscovery of himself and is thinking of getting a tattoo.

Seriously?

That's how he plans to deal with his abusive and controlling tendencies?

Nice trips out for himself to do fun things and adolescent acting out?

Given the news you had just received, I'm absolutely gobsmacked that he took himself off for a jolly and left you with the kids.

I know if I got news like that DH would take over everything so I could have time and space to digest the news in whatever way I needed to. And I'd do the same for him.

I think you are right to ask him to move out. There is no reason for him to live in your home while he goes to see movies, gets ink, and goes running.

Thanks. I'm a bit confused about all the heart stuff to be honest, it hasn't really sunk in.

With regards to H, he says this is about getting "him" back. Apparently he and the therapist have been talking about how he has nothing for him in his life. He gave up all his friends and his hobby in the last few years.

This is one of the things I have been begging him to sort out. He started working all the time even when he didnt need to. We didnt need the money that much and life for me got really hard being on my own all the time, trying to organise my own work around DD effectively as a single parent.

When we got together I introduced him to lots of new people and encouraged him to get back in touch with friends he had lost during his last relationship. Then when things started going wrong he would get angry if I tried to organise anything sociable.

But apparently, he did all this "for me". He said "I gave everything up for you and I need to get my own life back". This is such such bullshit, I feel angry that he and his counsellor have been sat there talking like this, as though I ever asked him to give anything up for ME. I would NEVER do that.

He said he knows my guilt is the one thing he has left. Because he knows I would have gone otherwise.

I feel a lot less guilty now.

Thanks again for all your support

I'd love to be a fly on the wall in those sessions and find out what he's telling his therapist, wouldn't you?

I had terrible depression.
Life event triggered.
Depression manifests in all sorts of ways.

Personal counselling, CBT and medication and a very supportive DW got me better. It was over 6 months.

Personal counselling helped me find some real deep underlying issues that have affected my entire adult life. That's 40 years. It also informed me about possible reasons I reacted the way I did.

CBT helped me deal with the symptoms of my depression.

MY DW was the one constant. I was clingy, whiney and frightened all the time. I couldn't go out in public, or meet anyone.

Medication helped smooth my mood and made seem things more manageable. I took those for a further 6 months.

No, you don't have to stay with him; yes, you can ask him to leave. Ask yourself, what would you want if you were in the same position.

I suspect that many of the other posters haven't been through this as the person with depression or the carer.

I suspect that many of the other posters haven't been through this as the person with depression or the carer

You can suspect what you like OneMoreChap, I've been through a very similar situation to the one you described which I think places me in a good position to know that this guy is seriously taking the piss.

"I had terrible depression."

Did you?

And was it diagnosed by the medical professionals you saw? The therapists?

Or was it something that you made up and that nobody else ever confirmed?

There is NO diagnosis of depression here.

JeanSeberg
You can suspect what you like OneMoreChap

Thanks, I shall.

I've been through a very similar situation to the one you described which I think places me in a good position to know that this guy is seriously taking the piss.

You know? Or you believe?
We've both been in bad places by the sound of it. I wouldn't presume to know what someone else was going though.

JoinYourPlayfellows
... on me saying I had terrible depression

Did you?
Yes. That's why I said it.
What are you suggesting, that my statement was hard to believe or you didn't understand the 4 words?

And was it diagnosed by the medical professionals you saw?
By the 2GPs and the Mental Health team, certainly. Does that help your enquiry?

The therapists?
No, they would be the ones the medical team referred me to.
Is it your intention to cast doubt on what I am saying... I find it rather hard to understand what you are alluding to. Perhaps I too have trouble understanding simple written words.

Or was it something that you made up and that nobody else ever confirmed?

Other than the fact I chose to tell my supportive wife, who on earth would know? Or do the medical teams and therapists you apparently know chat about the diagnosis/condition their patients/clients have?

There is NO diagnosis of depression here.
As far as you know. I would be surprised if a personal counsellor diagnosed depression. Hard to get counselling in my area unless you're GP referred, and even then you generally need to get psych support.

As I said if OP wants to leave that's fine; if she wants to chuck his idle arse out of the house while he finds himself, also fine by me. I just hope that if she, or some of the more "robust" posters here end up with depression/low mood, they get the support they may need, and the understanding I got from my wife.

Is it your intention to cast doubt on what I am saying.

No, it is my intention to cast doubt on the supposed similarity between your actual, diagnosed, serious depression and the "intimacy issues" of the OP's husband.