My husband and his problems

[KatieWitchWay]

Hi,

I'm new to this site and I am looking for advice on depression I think.

A few years ago my husband took redundancy from a job he was unhappy in to start his own business and unbeknown to me regretted the decision almost immediately.

I supported us financially for a year, which I was happy to do but I was unhappy for him to spend all his time in bed and my efforts to get him to find a dream and chase it made him feel inadequate. This is something he's only recently told me.

Our relationship started to deteriorate slowly. So slowly I didn't notice for a long time and I had a baby.

He became extremely selfish and moody. He began to masturbate instead of having sex with me and I felt very rejected.

A few weeks before Christmas I had enough and told him to shape up or our marriage was over and he started to see a therapist. He admitted today that this behaviour, withdrawing and masturbating is actually the reason his two previous LTRs failed, so it is a pattern.

I feel at a bit of a disadvantage, like I am waiting for him to figure out what is wrong with him and what causes it before the real "DH" returns. I want to find out information on what this is. Is it depression? Is it an addiction?

Does anyone have any experiences or can you point me to any information I can read?

Thanks in advance

talkative that's why I called it when I did, it suddenly dawned on me I'd been unhappy for nearly as long as I was happy.

Then when I said what I said it turned out he was the unhappiest of us all and swiftly checked himself in.

This is my conflict, the "real" him versus the him he doesn't recognise. Which is which? and what will be left over after the therapy?

"But it feels like now he has seen the error of his ways and is trying to change, I'm duty bound to give him another shot. "

You're not.

It feels insulting because it is insulting.

He's using this supposed mental illness as a way of not accepting responsibility for how badly he's treated you (and the other women who he's treated like crap).

"Then when I said what I said it turned out he was the unhappiest of us all"

Yeah, of course it did.

Because it couldn't be that YOU were the important one, he had to turn it all around so HE was the one who needed help and YOU had to give him that help.

Can't you see what a number he's pulling here with this crap?

"the "real" him versus the him he doesn't recognise. Which is which?"

Who cares?

Of course he's not prepared to recognise that he's not a very nice person and treats his wife terribly.

That doesn't mean it's not true, or that you have to go along with the lack of recognition.

YOU recognise him, you don't need to wait for him to agree with what you can see.

EXACTLY what JoinYourPlayfellows has said above!!

OP, you have his number. As presumably did the other exasperated partners who finally cut him loose.

Don't be a mug.

join you sound like the little voice that's been going on in my head, which Ive been dismissing as the naughty devil on my shoulder!

Maybe he has point!

He definitely has a point :)

OK, thanks everyone for your advice.

I've slept on it, and I feel a little less snouty angry but still very pee'd off. I'm going to think about my next move.

Thanks for your support

At a risk of saying something unpopular, I think this thread has been a bit harsh towards someone who has recently admitted long term mental health problems....

He's been having counselling for what? A month? Nothing gets fixed in a month....

I can completely appreciate the anger and resentment and yes, OP, I'd feel duped too but unlike his previous relationships he's now opened up to you and is seeking help.

I think it might be fairer to set a time frame, say 6 months, where he has his counselling and starts to make improvements in his behaviour. You also need to feel that you're being heard, I'm not sure that's the case at the moment he needs to accept he's not factoring in how you feel.

You used to be happy then he went through something shit and reverted to past crappy behaviour. He's trying to fix himself and I think that's admirable. Hopefully you can both get back to place where you can be happy again....

Yeah I know, I am pleased he is getting help now, I really am. Your comment brings me back to my original dilemma really, is being selfish, unreasonable, moody and mean part of this emotional problem he describes or is it a different problem entirely which is going to be left over after the therapy?

I suppose only time will tell. What if he's nice for another three years and then turns horrible again? And I don't find this out until 2018??!!

I think that's what I'm really scared of. I know I haven't really gone into his treatment of me over the last few years, but, sorryto dripfeed, I went to therapy myself last year because I felt so low my counsellor described it as borderline emotionally abusive. I think if there is a likelihood he is going to revert back to those types of behaviour I need out now.

Even if depression is his problem, you can still request a separation to preserve your happiness. You don't need to be the sacrificial lamb.

But it's possible he's just a really selfish guy who hooks girls then does the minimum to sustain a relationship, withdraws emotional support, sex and financial contribution until the girl wises up. The therapy might just be another way to indulge being centre of the universe while ignoring your needs....

Not belittling mental health issues but it sounds like it could be emotionally blackmailing you.

Has he ever apologised to you for his bad behaviour Katiewitch?

In your shoes, I think the deciding factor would be simply this one thing.

The very first time he grabbed his todger for a toss when you hadn't had sex in a while, he may have realised he was going back to his normal pattern, certainly the third or forth time he should have realised. He was using this and other behaviours because he felt resentment at your nagging him to get out of bed and make something of himself. Normal behaviour on your part I feel.
I had a similar situation/period of time with me nagging my DH to make something of himself/get out of bed etc. that bit of your OP struck a chord with me but afterwards DH apologised to me and the apology was sincere and the phase passed.
Until he grants you the basic human right to an apology you will continue to feel angry. Quite rightly.

Yeah dinnae he is apologising at the moment for hurting me and for the sex issues, but when i talk about his behaviour towards me, he doesn't really respond. And he says we can talk about that in time.

At the risk of drip feeding again, About 18 months ago we had a big blow out and he admitted his intimacy problem and explained he thought that is why he had been cold towards me and he apologised lots then too and said it would get better.

It did for a few months then slowly deteriorated again. But then I found an email account a few weeks ago where he had been accessing porn and it was dated from a month after he told me he'd stop. So I know this is a big problem for him.

I don't doubt he is sorry. I can see he is sorry, that's why I feel awful that I am not unconditionally prepared to give him another chance. I want to support him but at the back of my mind I want to run. To far away hills

I'm shocked at some of the advice and responses that have been given.

Your husband has a mental illness and is being treated for it.

When I was in the grip of pnd I was unrecognisable to my family and friends and even to myself.

I'm sure they didn't think I was pulling any crap as my poster had put it.

If this thread was a husband talking about his wife's pnd the responses would be very different.

Op, the sensible thing for you to do would be to talk to his therapist and go from there. Let a professional tell you if he is pulling any crap etc.

All the best, you sound lovely but worn out.

blonde this is what I originally posted to ask, is it a mental illness, what is it? I want to understand it? Would it make him treat me badly as well? Or is that just him?

His therapist hasn't said its depression, she describes it as a fear of intimacy

And can I talk to his therapist?

I don't have direct experience but feel people should always get a second chance

You could say that he needs to do 2 things

1 Stop the masturbating unless you get sex too

2 Do some physical exercise - walk/jog/cycle - home DIY - exercise at home (but we're not talking about joining a gym)

These are simple ways he could break the current bad pattern

As other posters have said, therapy etc is a long slog

Have just read blonde

Very good points

But it may not be severe depression

I think you need to focus on what it is you want in the long term and not worry about what is "right" or what other people think is acceptable.

If you feel that there is a small possibility of salvaging the relationship - with all the caveats about his responsibility in getting to that point, and you feel OK to give it some time and space to see what emerges from the therapy, then that's an option.

If you don't want to hang around , then make moves to get out.

Or use this time to focus on yourself, getting your head round your wants and needs for your life and you may find that clarity begins to creep in.

What you can't do is understand what is going on in his head nor predict the outcome of this process. And that's stressful because it makes the future unknown and unknowable at this point.

Op I don't know if it depression.

All I do know is that I turned from a lovely girl into something that was unrecognisable. I used sex as a weapon to hurt my husband. I resented the fact that he still wanted it, that to me his life seemed so simple that he could feel like sex, so I withdrew it. I felt like everyone wanted something from me, the kids were pulling at me all day and then when I got into bed at night it was his turn.

There are so many layers to depression that it will take time to get to the core of the problem.

I hear all that you are saying, I hear that you are angry and pisses you off and just want it to be over. I appreciate you want some sort of timeframe but his therapy can't be rushed. It took me a while before I was well again and I'm so glad my family didn't give up on me.

I once asked my mum why she didn't up on me as I had said some terrible terrible things to her and she said that she could quite clearly that it wasn't me that she was looking at.

What was your husband like before he started his business, what kind of person was he?

I can't tell you how difficult it was for me to have that conversation with my mum telling her that I needed help.

When your husband said that he will talk about his behaviour to you in time, he will.

His therapist may have a kind of schedule worked out and together they will be working backwards to present.

I'm not sure whether his therapist can speak to you about it to be honest. Perhaps counselling could help you to put your thoughts and feelings in order.

I think you are incredibly patient and tolerant and your husband is lucky to have you in his corner.

Did your husband tell you or dh that his problems were intimacy related?

It would not be usual or appropriate for you to talk to his therapist, unless perhaps he specifically agreed for you to attend a session with him.

Also, it is not particularly likely that his therapist has a schedule or plan. Person-centred therapy, is exactly that - it will be centred on whatever he wants to bring to the sessions, and person-centred therapists believe that anyone can experience growth if the right conditions are present, rather than being focussed on his problem behaviours.

As for whether the behaviour is part of a mental illness, I'm not sure if there is a clear answer to this. Yes, crappy behaviour can be part of a mental illness. His behaviour sounds like it is a part of his personality and his way of coping psychologically. Whether this means it is a mental illness is rather debatable, mental illness is not black and white. All psychological distress is on a spectrum and is part and parcel of the human condition. The point is, even if it can be defined as mental illness, it doesn't matter, it does not provide a get out clause for being a shit. You don't have to put up with it indefinitely. But at least he is getting some help.

I would have thought CBT would be more appropriate in this situation, I don't hold out much hope of change with person-centered based on my own experience.

but unlike his previous relationships he's now opened up to you and is seeking help

Or is this what he does every time another wife decides enough is enough? Quick, pull the therapy card out of the sleeve, that'll keep it going for a while longer, with the bonus that everyone is talking about me while it's going on. It can drag on until Wife #3 loses patience, then he can start up again with a new one and it'll all be fresh and lovely for, oh, about three years, till he gets bored again; just like with his job.

I could be totally wrong, but it seems this guy gets more out of being ill than he would out of being cured.

This thread is so typical of mumsnet - all leave the bastard and no support. He has said he is struggling, he has sought help, surely you give it time and work together for the sake of your marriage? I hate mumsnet sometimes.

Jonny I don't think that is particularly fair to be honest.

Of course I would want to support him through any mental illness.

Any LTB thoughts on my behalf are down to the fact he has been critical, unaffectionate, controlling, silent and unsupportive of me for more than two years, particularly during my pregnancy and childbirth.

All this left me feeling a certain way about him and revelations about a possible mental illness cant really change that. I am trying to get information about whether his illness or mental state could be what has caused all the hurt over the last few years and whether I can risk it happening again because his behaviour brought me to breaking point.

Comments implying I am letting him down because he is ill are not helpful. And neither is tarring my thread with a general brush about Mumsnet.

Thank you everybody else for your helpful input