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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found Porn on hubbys ipad website data

124 replies

cloudbuster · 07/01/2014 11:05

Hi everyone, i just need your opinion/advice..So I looked on his ipad advanced website data and there are three porn sites on there but he says they are a 'shadow' from looking at it ages ago. The thing is i deleted all the porn from this list so i know its recent (last two weeks) - is it just pop ups? They are quite near the top of the list and there is 12 KB on each - what does this mean? Does anyone else have the ipad and know what im talking about? Has he been back on the porn site and i'm just being naive? where would a porn pop up come from? I am so sick of this, we have this row over and over...

OP posts:
Offred · 07/01/2014 11:10

Don't know about the iPad but not sure what the row is over either?

I'm guessing it is lying about porn use? Broken trust?

Offred · 07/01/2014 11:10

(Not sure you'll have a firm answer about the iPad btw and think the trust is the more important issue which is why I'm asking).

meditrina · 07/01/2014 11:15

You won't get a firm answer over the iPad.

If you're looking at the bit if the settings that I think you are, the order of sites on the list is random. And even though I have never looked at porn, I have had the dubious pleasure of pop ups from "Local Slags" (and it did go onto that list, even though unclicked). If a non-porn user can get one, I can easily imagine a former user might get several.

But of course, it could just as plausibly be deliberate access. Of something between (genuinely unsolicited pop up, leading to actual looking).

CaptainHindsight · 07/01/2014 11:17

shadows? who is he trying to kid! No such thing as a "shadow" not sure what he is talking about to be honest.

Is the block pop up toggle activated on the safari settings? If it is then he cant even begin to argue it was a pop up.

meditrina · 07/01/2014 11:20

I've just looked at my website data - the list is pretty much order of size of the site (couple of anomalous ones at the top, don't know why).

And noticed a site which I was trying to access a couple of days ago, but which did not appear to open, was listed as if it had been open like the other on the list.

Original poster
cloudbuster · 07/01/2014 11:27

no, the block pop up toggle isnt activated. yes, the row is about porn use. it just annoys me because i have been open from the off about my feelings on pornography and he was ok with that, saying he wouldnt look at it and he wasnt really into it anyway. then every few months i found it in his history. now he deletes his history! so now i find this every few months instead! What worries me more is that, now its happened a few times and i dont 100 percent trust him, how little i care rather than how much. maybe im just getting used to it...

OP posts:
Original poster
cloudbuster · 07/01/2014 11:30

ah so its the site size and not how long you were on it for? i can never figure out what all those kb and mb stand for!

OP posts:
Offred · 07/01/2014 11:51

How important is the no porn principle to you, present feelings of being worn down aside? (Tis v. Important to me btw).

When you first discovered it what did he say re: how he planned going forward?

To me it seems he knew how you felt, because you told him, chose to carry on and keep it a secret and now he has been found out has continued doing it even though it has upset you.

He's treating you with very little respect tbh if that's what's going on. He doesn't have to share your view on porn but he does need to respect it.

Original poster
cloudbuster · 07/01/2014 12:05

It's hugely important to me. I know some women are ok with it, some love it, etc and thats fine for them,but I don't. I have tried, I have tried watching it etc but its just not me in any way. When I first said about it he was fine, made a big point of throwing away his porn dvd's and stuff. When i found it on his history the first time, it just wrenched my heart out - sounds mega dramatic i know! But it did and actually that hasn't ever gone away, the trust never came back again. He said just because I have this view on porn doesn't mean every one else does and most women aren't like me about it.

OP posts:
Offred · 07/01/2014 12:12

I'm pretty confident women who enjoy porn are in a minority although not everyone has an ethical objection. But that has nothing to do with how you arrange your relationship.

It's an irrelevant point to make. You articulated your feelings clearly, he made a commitment to respect your feelings in a way that he never intended to actually carry out.

He decided that his views were superior to yours and that he was going to deprive you of your choice.

Now he is blaming you for his choice.

That the issue is porn is irrelevant. You have strong feelings over it, he was aware of them and he has chosen to disrespect you and continue disrespecting you.

Offred · 07/01/2014 12:13

That's why you are so upset btw, because of the total disregard of your feelings, disrespect AND your actual views on porn.

Fairylea · 07/01/2014 12:16

I think checking your partners Internet history periodically is a major trust issue. I would be absolutely furious if my dh did that to me, porn issue or not.

I think you have to either accept that he is going to watch it and turn a blind eye to it or separate to be honest if it is that much of an issue for you. There is no trust in the relationship at present.

Offred · 07/01/2014 12:17

Yes, I agree the checking of a partner's Internet usage is surely digging a grave for a relationship.

NeoFaust · 07/01/2014 12:18

Slow down on the hanging. If it's size is rated in kb (a thousandth of a MB megabyte) then it's a pop up.

HowardTJMoon · 07/01/2014 12:18

I'm no expert on iPads and perhaps they measure things differently but, in general, 12KB is a tiny amount of data. It's about a tenth of the size of this mumsnet page and that's not even including all the ads and images. At most you might be able to get a small thumbnail image into 12KB but it would be low quality. Sounds more like an ad to be honest.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 07/01/2014 12:21

I dont use an iPad so I'm not sure about this but 12kb sounds extremely small, something like a small advert, not a website.

What size was given for other websites on the list? It sounds very likely to me that your partner is telling the truth. But of course that is moot, as you dont trust him anyway...

Offred · 07/01/2014 12:23

Does it matter if the particular thing you found is porn use or not? He's told you to suck it up and is deleting his history.

Offred · 07/01/2014 12:25

Not to mention has form for lying about giving up.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 07/01/2014 12:33

offred the OP has no proof that her DP is still using porn.

She is the one who doesn't trust her DPDP and feels the need to go through his internet history.

There are perfectly legitimate reasons to clear your history.
There are perfectly legitimate reasons why you may have small files from dodgy sites in your history.

From what the OP has said on this thread all that we know is that she doesn't trust her DP.

Offred · 07/01/2014 12:42

Of course there is no proof. There is never going to be any proof now he has started deleting the history. Of course there are also valid reasons to delete your history. How likely is it that in this case the reasons are valid ones?

The op doesnt need to know this particular time IMO. She's driving herself mad checking. Not because of one betrayal but because of a sustained one that he is now so determined to protect in the face of her desperation, that he has taken to deleting his history.

Are you really trying to argue that the man who, on discovery that he'd lied, said "just because I have this view on porn doesn't mean every one else does and most women aren't like [the op] about it" which demonstrated that he'd never intended, and still doesnt intend to stop. Who has since his partner started snooping, has started deleting his history, has stopped watching porn and is telling the truth despite having calculatedly lied for the whole of the relationship about it because he thinks his view is superior?

Highly unlikely.

Porn isnt the issue, nor is this particular example. The problem is the lack of respect this man has for his partner's strong views about porn and his view that he is entitled to disrespect her because he thinks he is superior.

TheCrumpetQueen · 07/01/2014 13:04

Just did a test. Played some videos off a well known porn site and then checked my data thing and it came up with 14KB. Because you aren't downloading them but streaming maybe that's why it comes up with a small amount

Original poster
cloudbuster · 07/01/2014 13:14

on the list waitrose and facebook which are used heavily are also at 12kb.
I think this is why im confused because it doesn't seem to correlate with actual usage?
I should just stop looking. Trying to be Sherlock Holmes when you know nothing about technology is upsetting at worst and embarrassing at best.

OP posts:
Original poster
cloudbuster · 07/01/2014 13:17

Thanks crumpetqueen I think that answers my question. im going to go and throw up ...

OP posts:
Original poster
cloudbuster · 07/01/2014 13:18

Thanks everyone as well x
lots of interesting things for me to think about.

OP posts:
Grumpasaurus · 07/01/2014 13:23

Aww this is really hard. I always used to pretend I was okay with it in past relationships even though it just goes against every grain of what i believe in.

Oddly I am extremely open minded and liberal, I even work in sexual health, but having been both abused and raped, it just really upsets me!

Then I found out my (now) husband had used it a few times when we first got together. For some reason I absolutely lost my shit - and had a proper sob about it all. I guess for the first time I trusted him with my insecurities and he understood completely. I have full confidence he hasn't used it since... (He still wanks of course!)

If I found out he had, I would be heartbroken. And I think it would be a huge deal breaker. Not because of the porn itself, but because of the betrayal, if that makes sense.

Does your husband understand it is a deal breaker? It doesn't sound like it to be honest. What would you like to happen, moving forward?