DP tried to have sex with me as I slept... (may be TMI)

[ChryslerBuilding]

Name changed for this ... :(

Last night DP and I went out for a few drinks, post-Christmas.

We got home, got into bed, and thought about having sex. I declined, saying I was too tired, and DP was absolutely fine with it. We had both drunk a bit, but he was drunker than I was.

I started waking up to the feeling of fingers inside me, and then he penetrated me, from behind. I was lying in my usual 'sleep' position so he had to have moved to get bodily contact iyswim ... I hadn't made any overtures of any sort. At that point I woke up, and immediately turned over and started shouting at him and, I'm afraid, hitting out at him.

He hadn't used a condom which I also have a huge problem with as it is our method of contraception so our understanding is that we use condoms.

DP seemed disorientated, and sat up and tried to put on a condom (!!!) which I made him remove, and told him to get out.

We had a guest staying in the house, so I didn't make a big fuss, and this morning tried to act normally ... but now I've got back from taking my friend to the station, and shouted at DP, thrown some cutlery and burst out crying. I feel completely violated ... I hate him ... he seems remorseful and his defense is that he was drunk/half-asleep, and he thought I was involved somehow. He is also hungover, whereas I am fine.

I don't know what to do. I know that this is rape. I was not just unconsenting, I had actually declined sex before we went to bed. Also, he didn't use a condom ... that says to me he was drunk/half-asleep but if I heard this story from a friend, I would tell her to phone the effing police... what do I do ... is this forgivable, and is the relationship salvageable?

Sorry, long... trying not to dripfeed.

I have to admit that I do often find work a lovely and welcome escape from reality. That said I work with young people around sexual health, so it often does take me to magical lands far far away!

I have to admit I breathed a sigh of relief to hear that this was out of character. For some reason I got the impression that he regularly drank to problematic levels.

I think visiting an AA meeting might be good, although may be a bit overkill in retrospect. Do you think that you would feel comfortable setting an agreed limit for each of you re: drinking, following the period of detox?

Also, with some space and time, where are you sitting in terms of feeling violated, and where are you sitting in terms of believing that you will be able to trust him again?

I have to say, I got absolutely trolleyed this NYE. I have never, ever been that drunk before, and I hope never to be that drunk again. Apparently I kissed another woman, got my breasts out over skype, punched my husband in the nose (he says i meant it as a joke but really underestimated my strength), and ran away down the street.

I was mortified when I learned what I did the next day. I still feel awful, and absolutely shocked that I could behave like that. My husband wasn't really all that bothered, as he said he knew without a doubt that I had never acted like that before and would likely never act like it again! He said if he thought it had been intentional or if it was a pattern, his reaction would have been very very different...

Who knows is this helps? I am not in any way trying to minimise what happened, but I always used to be a member of the 'everyone who says they don't know what they are doing when they drink too much are just lying and excusing their behaviour'. Now, I can honestly say, I had absolutely no idea what I was doing and only know what I did because others have told me- I have no recollection of any of it, even five days later!

Chrysler, I am so sorry about what happened

I'm glad you've decided what to do. One thing though, obviously I understand why you would not want to prosecute him, but is there any way you can just get in logged somewhere, just in case (god forbid!) he were to do it again?

If his claim that being drunk is what caused him to rape you is true then I would think he has an extremely serious problem with alcohol. Alcohol causes him to violate you and his response is that he'll give it up "for a period" (how long? A week?) and then "cut down" (to how much?). Who's going to monitor this? Will you be on edge watching a tipsy dp reaching for his fourth beer and wondering if you should warn him to stop? IME all notions of cutting down go out the window when you've had a few.
If raping you isn't enough to get him to stop drinking completely then what is? Raping you twice?
Oh and if you're going to cut down your drinking on the back of this then all that says IMO is that you no longer trust him and feel you need to stay sober to head off any future incidents.

I can understand why you aren't going down the legal route because I didn't either, mind you I never really admitted to myself until much later that it actually was indeed rape.

I have nothing else to add except the best wishes of this internet stranger and to hope that you can find peace and the best way forward for you, whatever that may be. Take care.

I wish I had something useful to say, but all I can is I'm so very sorry this happened to you, and I hope you find a way through it that makes sense to you and enables you to move forward positively - whatever decisions you make.

This may be if no help at all, and I admit I have only read the first couple of pages...but whilst this does not excuse him, it is possible to have sex when still asleep. My partner has done this, I only realised when he said 'I don't know who you are but I want you' in the act, and had no real recollection after. There is a sort of sleep state in which the frontal lobes don't fully awaken, dp has had this too, where he wakes, looks at me, sees me, but doesn't recognise me (because while I look like me, the emotion he associates with looking at me is absent as frontal lobes are not working, so logic tells him this is someone who looks just like me butis not me) and goes off searching for me. I am telling you this not because it exactly parallels your awful situation, but because it is possible for the body to act in very unusual and disturbing ways when the full cortex is not functioning. The fumbling for a condom thing makes me think he was seriously disorientated and if he has problems with alcohol, well, I think it may be a partial explanation (NOT an excuse) for what happened. I agree with pps who suggest having him take a long, hard look at his alcohol use would be very helpful. I can't think of the last time dp had a night sleepwalking session- not since we had kids and he seriously curtailed his alcohol use.
Sending every good wish for some sort of resolution. What a horrific thing.

In 2009 my ex husband had sex with me 3 times while I slept in a week( after we watched a sleep sex tv show the week before... Coincidence?) I woke and threw him off etc. he has denied it ever since and after not getting over it and other dv issues we split. The only person I told at the time was his sister, who said it wasn't rape.
The trust is gone now. You will always remember what has been done. Get out of this relationship now so you can recover, because it will hit you harder when he has gone, I found anyway.
Perhaps he isn't apologising because then it makes him guilty, and you have a confession.... My ex denied it until he was blue in the face.

In 2009 my ex husband had sex with me 3 times while I slept in a week( after we watched a sleep sex tv show the week before... Coincidence?) I woke and threw him off etc. he has denied it ever since and after not getting over it and other dv issues we split. The only person I told at the time was his sister, who said it wasn't rape.
The trust is gone now. You will always remember what has been done. Get out of this relationship now so you can recover, because it will hit you harder when he has gone, I found anyway.
Perhaps he isn't apologising because then it makes him guilty, and you have a confession.... My ex denied it until he was blue in the face.

Sorry double post

Just a quick update, and thank you to everyone who has posted - for the support, which was sorely needed and appreciated.

Greentoothbrush - so sorry this happened to you - it sounds awful and his sister was absolutely wrong, that was rape. Glad that you're in a better place now. We will see how things go with DP, but I should stress that he has apologised numerous times and is mortified and seems shell-shocked at what has happened. His stock phrase is that there is 'no excuse' for what he did - he certainly isn't blame shifting or minimising.

CailinDana - we spoke about this in more detail. All good points. He's quit drinking completely, for the foreseeable. I agree with this, as I don't want it to seem like he's 'doing time' and once that time is over, it's back to normal. However, I don't think I would expect him to spend the rest of his life without another beer ... he will spend time working on himself before that happens. Re me cutting down - I'm not quitting, just being austere. TBH it will do me good, as I don't think drinking in my frame of mind right now would be helpful for me.

Thanks again all - you've been so helpful in clarifying and supporting. Don't know what I'd have done without MN. xx

Good luck OP.

I hope things work out for you. It sounds like you both accept that he raped you, not sure where you go from that.

Good luck.

This has happened to me. In my current relationship. I hit the roof, called him every name under the sun and pushed and kicked him away. That was seven months ago, we are still together and he has never tried it again, nor do I expect he will do. I have read about 'sleep sex' being a form of 'sleepwalking,' 'sleeptalking' etc, but am not sure that I really buy into it. For me it was not a relationship ending issue because my DP is extremely sexually inexperienced for his age or any age for that matter and he honestly thought I would enjoy it.
Stupid I know.
He was mortified afterwards, but then again, so was I when he did it. I took it as rape. It is rape. If he had not literally been with only one other woman before me in his 31 years (and that relationship was pretty weird from what I can gather) plus his general crippling shyness around people (how did we ever get together? long story) I would have slung his sorry arse into the street.
This is not the most erudite or constructive post I know, but all I can say is I know what it feels like and I back up all those that say throw him out. Perhaps I should have done the same. But as I say, mine seems to have learned his lesson.
I know I come across as a coward. Maybe you are stronger than me.