DP tried to have sex with me as I slept... (may be TMI)

[ChryslerBuilding]

Name changed for this ... :(

Last night DP and I went out for a few drinks, post-Christmas.

We got home, got into bed, and thought about having sex. I declined, saying I was too tired, and DP was absolutely fine with it. We had both drunk a bit, but he was drunker than I was.

I started waking up to the feeling of fingers inside me, and then he penetrated me, from behind. I was lying in my usual 'sleep' position so he had to have moved to get bodily contact iyswim ... I hadn't made any overtures of any sort. At that point I woke up, and immediately turned over and started shouting at him and, I'm afraid, hitting out at him.

He hadn't used a condom which I also have a huge problem with as it is our method of contraception so our understanding is that we use condoms.

DP seemed disorientated, and sat up and tried to put on a condom (!!!) which I made him remove, and told him to get out.

We had a guest staying in the house, so I didn't make a big fuss, and this morning tried to act normally ... but now I've got back from taking my friend to the station, and shouted at DP, thrown some cutlery and burst out crying. I feel completely violated ... I hate him ... he seems remorseful and his defense is that he was drunk/half-asleep, and he thought I was involved somehow. He is also hungover, whereas I am fine.

I don't know what to do. I know that this is rape. I was not just unconsenting, I had actually declined sex before we went to bed. Also, he didn't use a condom ... that says to me he was drunk/half-asleep but if I heard this story from a friend, I would tell her to phone the effing police... what do I do ... is this forgivable, and is the relationship salvageable?

Sorry, long... trying not to dripfeed.

Have reported that post as it's no way helpful to ChryslerBuilding

Thank you Turnip, I appreciate that.

Tinpotted, your comment is inappropriate, thank you for introducing your bile to this thread.

To summarise:

If waking up to sex is acceptable in your relationship, then whoopee for you.

Unfortunately in my case, I had already said that I did NOT want sex. Furthermore, DP did not use a condom which in OUR relationship is unacceptable and feels like a further violation. I woke up in a situation where I felt scared and violated, whether or not that was DP's intention.

I believe DP did not realise he was making this violation as he was incapacitated by alcohol. I believe he is remoreseful and is not a 'rapist'. However, he did commit a rape, as the law defines it, whether or not you think so.

The fact that he didn't INTEND to hurt me doesn't take away the hurt or turn it into consensual sex. But it does make me feel like I can work with this, maybe. But rest assured Tinpotted, your posts have been of no help whatsoever.

I'm going to leave this thread for this evening - thank you for all your sage advice and support, I very much appreciate it ... feeling like I need some quiet time to think this over... and talk to DP.

but tinpottesd, do you wake up with him in or on you after you have explicity told him that you do not want to have sex?

Yes, lots of people wake their partners up and have dreamy sex. Lots of people like being woken up that way. That is entirely different to being woken up on your front with your drunken husband penetrating you from behind, minus contraception, when you have said No before you went to sleep, or in my case being wanked over whilst effectively pinned to the bed.

I think there is a distinction. And being drunk and not in control is not a defence. If the OP and her DH survive this, how can she ever trust to be in the same bed as him ever again after he has been drinking? I know I couldn't.

Ah, cross posted with you OP. I really hope that you and your DH can work through this, and that you get a positive outcome from talking to Rape Crisis. I know how hard it was for me to get through what happened with my DH. PM me if you need to talk off board.

xx

I think i agree with tinpotted. If the op doesn't feel she consented, then she knows and needs to do what she feels is right. However some couples have a dynamic where they understand that the other person doesn't mind if they start something when they are asleep, they can along with it as they have kind of agreed it before hand. Obviously if they wake up and want to stop then it should stop, straight away.

Different couples do different things. But i reiterate, if the op feels he knew he was doing something on purpose without her consent, then of course it is rape.

Chrysler, I take your comments on board and I'm very sorry I upset you more. I really didn't intend any offence, and it is a bit of a shocking to know that I have offended everyone on this thread.

Maybe I am innately a bad person, I don't know. I hope you can believe that I thought I was being helpful.

tinpot, you said yourself that this is something acceptable in your relationship

it obviously isn't for others, so why lose your temper and try and tell others it should be just because it is ok in yours ?

in some relationships, it appears "ok" for someone to get seven shades of shit beaten out of them every friday night...this goes on and is accepted in some parts of our communities but it doesn't make it right

your tantrum will be deleted anyway, thankfully for you there will be no record of your ridiculous over reaction

Topotted your posts here have been vile.

Why are there are always rape apologists on these threads! The OP has made it very clear she was raped and still there are women questioning this.

Her partner not only had sex with her when she had made it clear she didnt want to. which is rape, but also put her at risk of unwanted pregnancy.

Penetrating someone without consent

versus

Snoring

yes, I can totally see the likeness there.

If it is really true that someone has sex in their sleep without knowing, then they need to sleep behind a locked door. No woman should be expected to accept being raped.

Yes, all sexomniacs should protect their partners from sexual assault

Do they do that ?

Women's attitudes towards sexual offences against other women never cease to baffle me.
I would argue that if a woman believes she has been assualted, or raped, or had her boundaries broken, or been subjected to a fearful and unpleasant experience, then she has. There isn't a right or wrong way to react or proceed either.
It may well be that the man doesn't agree or doesn't think it was his intention, but it's about effect, not intention.
OP talk to rape crisis, no one on here is judge and jury or has the right to tell you how to feel or what to think, it's about you.

Grennie he has offered to sleep in another room, but I have said no, it's something I've learnt to live with in our very long term relationship. Sexomniacs don't tend to get out of their own bed and look for sex, like I said it's usually the skin to skin contact that sets him off.

We're not talking once a night here either, it's barely once a year, and has only ever made it under the clothes once before I've woken up and pushed him away/rolled him over. He is fast asleep.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, Chrysler, and that your thread has been derailed in such an unhelpful way. I hope that you spread to Rape Crisis and please know that there are plenty of posters here who will not mimimise what has happened and will try and support you.

Tinpotted -I agree with you. (I'm female, must change name) and think you are totally entitled to have this opinion without getting crucified.
OP- sorry this happened to you and it does sound like your DP was pretty much drunk and asleep himself and probably didn't intend what happened. Hope you both work through this if that's what you want to do; maybe it's a wake up call regarding your DP's drinking habits.

Yes Rape Crisis would offer the space to sort out your feelings around this, which will be understandably confused.

Unless you are saying your partner does what the OP has described, with all of the important facts, I can't see how it's relevant.

I'm with shaken on sleep sex. If one partner is completely asleep and begins groping/assaulting/penetrating and then ceases immediately that the other partner is able to communicate distress and lack of consent, it's not rape or attempted rape. My DH used to do this as I've described below and we've managed to put a stop to it (I've made him wear pyjamas for one). He also sleep talks and makes purposeful movements in his sleep. I wouldn't blame him for what he might say in his sleep either.

But anyway it's up to the OP to talk to her partner and figure out exactly where this all came from and what she wants to do about it.

Where is the facepalm emoticon?

Sorry too Chrysler, I don't think anyone who has responded on here is unsympathetic or trying to derail or apologise for rape. Your question was is it forgivable and is your relationship salvageable?, and people are giving their answers to your question based on a mixture of your post, and their own experiences and attitudes. Some people think it is unforgivable and some don't.

Since the OP has left the thread, I'd just like to point out to shakenbakep that you've just called me disgusting for making the following statement:

"If your husband has sex without your consent, tinpotted, he is a rapist.

There is no debate on that."

What is disgusting is the views of people who disagree with that statement.

I pity some of the people on this thread.