DP tried to have sex with me as I slept... (may be TMI)

[ChryslerBuilding]

Name changed for this ... :(

Last night DP and I went out for a few drinks, post-Christmas.

We got home, got into bed, and thought about having sex. I declined, saying I was too tired, and DP was absolutely fine with it. We had both drunk a bit, but he was drunker than I was.

I started waking up to the feeling of fingers inside me, and then he penetrated me, from behind. I was lying in my usual 'sleep' position so he had to have moved to get bodily contact iyswim ... I hadn't made any overtures of any sort. At that point I woke up, and immediately turned over and started shouting at him and, I'm afraid, hitting out at him.

He hadn't used a condom which I also have a huge problem with as it is our method of contraception so our understanding is that we use condoms.

DP seemed disorientated, and sat up and tried to put on a condom (!!!) which I made him remove, and told him to get out.

We had a guest staying in the house, so I didn't make a big fuss, and this morning tried to act normally ... but now I've got back from taking my friend to the station, and shouted at DP, thrown some cutlery and burst out crying. I feel completely violated ... I hate him ... he seems remorseful and his defense is that he was drunk/half-asleep, and he thought I was involved somehow. He is also hungover, whereas I am fine.

I don't know what to do. I know that this is rape. I was not just unconsenting, I had actually declined sex before we went to bed. Also, he didn't use a condom ... that says to me he was drunk/half-asleep but if I heard this story from a friend, I would tell her to phone the effing police... what do I do ... is this forgivable, and is the relationship salvageable?

Sorry, long... trying not to dripfeed.

Absolutely stunned by the way this thread has turned out. Obviously hit a nerve somewhere.

OP, really hope you're ok this evening and you're getting some RL support. Please post back here if you wish, lots of us here believe and support you x

But the OP can find that out and she deserves to hear that not every man is a rapist.

Who said that ?

No, not every man is a rapist but any man that penetrates another person expressly without their consent is

Am confused why that is not clear to everybody. Makes perfect sense to me.

I read about a woman on here once whose partner was a "sexsomniac"

She had to wear tight leggings in bed at night to keep him off her. Strangely, it had not occurred to either of them that he should have been sleeping in a prison cell and that would have sorted it

Sexsomnia is a real, if rare, condition, e.g. Here

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1978350/

The person has amnesia for what they did, though, which doesn't seem to be the case here.

Would any of them not make it rape shallweshop? No. So your contribution was rather pointless wasn't it.

Really hope that the OP manages to find a conclusion to this that she is happy with. There is no doubt that what her DP did was so so wrong. I think she sounds wholly sensible and switched on to the issues surrounding this.

Whatever you decide to do OP,

Really sorry for what's happened to you OP I suggest you do tell your DP to leave, you may not feel in danger but you could still use some space. I think if things just carry on as normal - before you've had a chance to decide whether you want them to - it'd be easy to brush it all under the carpet.

On a separate note, have I missed the bit where the OP or her DP said he was asleep and unaware of what he was doing? Because I don't see how hypothetical situations where his actions might be excusable are relevant.

I was involved in an almost identical (to the OP) case of rape, in court. Offender received a 4 year custodial sentence. It is rape. The law's interpretation is narrow and governed by rules. Again; it's rape.

Hope the OP can recover from this in whatever way she can.
I don't know how to do flowers...

People so frantically eager to defend rapists they think posting on a thread intended to support a rape victim is the right place?! Dear God. Was the empathy surgically removed, or was it absent from birth?

OP I am so very sorry you are in this position, and my thoughts are with you.

Anyfucker he would never be sleeping in a prison cell if he was a sexomniac, as in the eyes of the law it's not rape. Google it if you don't want to take my word for it.

I am not in anyway 'frantically defending rapists', just pointing out that from what the OP said about him being disorientated that it's a possibility, especially as it's so out of character.

HTH

If I was likely to accidentally rape someone in my sleep I would make sure I wasn't in a position to do so, wouldn't you? I wouldn't sleep with anyone in bed with me and if necessary I'd lock my bedroom door. I wouldn't expect my partner to put up with it or wear chastity pyjamas to keep me out.

My friend gets very violent in his sleep and his partner has to sleep in a different room to him sometimes .

Shakenbakup, I don't think anything you've posted on this thread "helps" and I can't see how your comments are intended to, quite frankly. And you're confusing the existence of a victim with criminal culpability of an assailant. It's no less rape to the person who did not consent to the act whether or not the attacker has a defence, just as someone isn't any less dead if their killer is not guilty of murder by reason of insanity. So again: your comments, along with numerous other people's, are quite staggeringly unhelpful to the OP. This isn't a legal debate thread, it's one posted by someone needing support. (Though if we're talking legal debate, I should point out that Google is not a reliable source of information.)

Finally if you really want to keep on with this nonsense, then you should probably understand that genuine sexsomniacs do not remember the events in question when they awake. Which does not fit here - he went for a condom as soon as she protested and while disoriented, was not asleep at the time. Nor is he claiming loss of memory, far less sexsomnia - he's claiming he was drunk, selfish and entitled, and thinks he may have an alcohol problem. So not only are people bringing up an incredibly rare disorder as some sort of last-ditch rationalisation, but they're doing so in a situation where the facts clearly don't fit.

Again: not helpful. At all.

Hi, this is the OP.

Sorry for the radio silence, I just needed some time to think things over, and honestly didn't want to get into a debate about what constitutes rape and when it's acceptable - usually the sort of thing I will debate, but in future I may well abscond.

BTW as AnyFucker realised, I am more than aware that not every man is a rapist! Otherwise we'd all be walking around with chastity belts and tasers!

shallweshop - rest assured, DP and I have spoken about this at length, and my post was made after getting 'his side of the story'.

I've had a chance to think, and am now back at work which has helped enormously, feeling a lot calmer and more myself.

Won't be going down a legal route. To be honest, because I don't feel DP deserves that - whatever being deserving of that really means, I suppose it's subjective. It's not a route I wish to pursue.

Whether or not that means the relationship is salvageable is another, different matter.

DP has said he'll stop drinking for a period, with a view to cutting down permanently. I think this is a good idea. I have also encouraged him to speak with a professional about this - I want to make sure he understands the gravity of the situation (I think he does already, but don't want lip service) - which he has completely agreed to. Not sure what else, if anything, he can do apart from not do this again.

I think you have made the best decision OP. You have made it crystal clear to your DP that this is unacceptable and he had better sit up and listen. I hope that if this an otherwise good relationship then you can move on.

Have been thinking alot about this. My DP and I have a pretty no holds barrred sexual relationship and quite like to push the bounderies a bit. I actually don't know how i would feel about it - i would assume (wouldnt you?) that it was his intention to wake me up (i am a light sleeper though) rather than have sex with me unresponsive - and i can not honestly say whether i would wake up and think "wayhay, lets go......" or go batshit and lamp him one - i reckon it could go either way. We have been together a long long time though and consent would not be an issue per se. He has never done it though - i don't think he fancies his chances :) If i thought he wanted to have sex with me while i stayed asleep i would be weirded out by that and i wouldn't like it.

it does sound like he is mortified and contrite and wont be attempting such a thing again. I do think the drink thing is a bit of a smoke screen, unless he does feel that he is drinking too much, then cutting down can only be a good thing. Being drunk is not an excuse though.

I have woken DP with oral sex in the past and he has always responded though, so i think the main issue for me in your case is that you had already told him you wasn't wanting sex that night.

I think you've made the best decision for you, OP. I hope it all works out well. (am on this thread already, by the way, as HeadlessLady: have just had a namechange).

Sounds sensible OP. Going down any legal route would be curtains for the relationship, so best avoided if you want it to continue for now.

IMO also the situation is not as clear cut as some here believe, and the hitting and throwing cutlery could make everything very messy, so probably a bad plan even if you do decide to split up.

Also his actions seem to imply that he is trying hard so far to sort things out.

Fwiw I'm a great believer in giving people a chance if it's against their usual character - but making it clear it's not two chances....and that actions speak louder than words.

Good luck, OP x

OP - sorry if I sounded harsh. I am glad you and your DP have a plan for the foreseeable future and I wish you all the best.

I realise this may not be relevant to your situation op, but my dh has been known to have 'sexomnia', where he attempts to initiate sex (never as far as penetration) the same way he would if he were awake, albeit clumsier! It happens a lot when he stressed. Sometimes I respond and sometimes I tell him to do one. If i do respond sometimes he barely wakes up at all. Generally in the morning he pronounces (jokingly) that I took advantage of him! He genuinely doesn't remember starting. I only bring it up because this does sound a bit like what happened in your case, especially given that your dp was disorientated and is mortified now.

RTFT beansandcheese!

Didn't mean it tosound I am excusing op's dp. Only she knows the full situation. Sorry not good at coming across clearly

Hi OP,

Delurking here as you've returned from your completely understandable hiatus, so we can get back to the point of your post rather than tangential discussions about what rape is or is not.

I just wanted to say, first of all, I am so sorry that you've been through this. It's a huge thing for a relationship to face, and I hope that however you decide to move forward, it works out for the best.

My thoughts, and these are truly just thoughts, are that we are focusing perhaps a bit too much on the actual situation and not enough on what led to the situation- DHs drinking.

(Please don't think for a minute I am undermining what happened or how you are feeling...)

Reading through the thread, it does seem that DH cares about you and would never normally engage in that kind of behaviour. However, it also seems that he regularly drinks to problematic levels, and that it is this habit which caused the situation to occur.

Does DH recognise the degree to which his drinking is influencing his behaviour?

Could I recommend attending an AA meeting for DH, and an AL ANON meeting for OP? This might help.

Grumpasaurus - interesting post ... my first reaction is to say, "Of course he isn't an alcoholic!" ... but his drinking has started to affect us (I wouldn't say it had before), so needs to be addressed.

Did I imply he regularly drinks to problematic levels? I should stress I haven't been worried about his drinking before now. If anything, he drank differently than he usually would, which is perhaps why this happened.

I will suggest AA to DP and see his reaction. It may do him good to go to a session or two to see what it's like, even as a warning. But I do think he can stop drinking on his own - he had never displayed alcoholic 'signs' until now (not discounting your suggestion by any means, but I'm hesitant to label this). I'm also going to cut down - had I not been drinking I might have woken up earlier (not blaming myself!) - and it's put me off drinking.

I noticed some people have send DMs - thank you :) at work but will respond as soon as I can. Feeling much better; never thought work could do that!