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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh into swinging... I'm not, so what now?

106 replies

Kitty909 · 05/01/2014 09:48

My dh and I have had a big row over the past few days about our thoughts of swinging. This is now potentially a deal breaker in our marriage and naturally, we are both very annoyed and upset.

A little history... We've been married 14 years and have a ds 16 (my son from previous relationship) and a dd 11. We have had about 7-8 years of serious stress involving money, property, jobs, legal but have worked together to try to get through it, and although all is not sorted, we are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

About 8 years ago we went to Hedonism in Jamaica for a holiday. This was seen as a fun, adventurous place to be to have a special holiday with each other... And it was. There were people who were into swinging, but we enjoyed the charged atmosphere, the silly games, the sun and the food, but we were totally monogamous and had a great time.

This seems to have kick started my dh's interest in swinging, and looking back, while it was never forced on me, I felt under pressure to give it a go. So, over the last 5 or so years, we have been occasional swingers meeting up with others through internet sites. I must stress, this has happened only a couple of times a year, but was always as a result of dh's efforts.

I have never enjoyed this involvement, but felt pressure to go along with it because dh got such a thrill from it.

So the other day, my dh had arranged to meet a couple - then asked me..... At first I thought, here we go again, I'll go to keep the peace. After thinking it over, I told him I had changed my mind and didn't want to go. Well, I am now the worst in the world! I know he was disappointed and probably a bit angry, but I wanted to make a stand that 'it's not me!' and not something that I feel happy to do.

We have had a dwindling sex life over the last few years, probably due to our stress, tiredness, age (late 40's) but I think he felt these occasional hook-ups spiced things up enough. Now, he wants to know what I'll do in the bedroom to compromise for not swinging. I just want a good healthy, normal relationship and he's not happy.

Obviously, this isn't something I can discuss with my girlfriends or my mum! Any advice appreciated... I don't know where this will go.
Thank you

OP posts:
Buzzardbird · 05/01/2014 09:51

So he is sexually abusing you. Leave.

happyhev · 05/01/2014 09:54

No one has the right to coerce or force you into sexual activity you're not comfortable with. You are not your husbands sex toy.

RollerCola · 05/01/2014 09:57

Oh gosh Confused what sort of things does he suggest you do in the bedroom to make up for not swinging??

This is not healthy, but you've definitely done the right thing in telling him you don't want to do it any more. Not sure what the solution is though.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/01/2014 09:58

What you'll do to compromise? It's your job to fix this? Hmm Coercing someone into sex that they're not comfortable with is really unpleasant, disrespectful and classed as abusive behaviour. If you're not enough for him, if keeping marriage vows is unimportant to him, if 'he's not happy'.... that's actually his responsibility and not yours.

I'm glad you've stopped giving into him. But, assuming he's not interested in a healthy normal relationship, I think you have to start imagining a future without him. Sorry.

HowlingTrap · 05/01/2014 09:58

I think the fact he arranged, before he asked you is obviously not a good sign, I would be very annoyed with that.

Sammie101 · 05/01/2014 10:02

He wants to know what you'll do in the bedroom to make up for no swinging?!?

Sorry but that seems like a huge red flags for me, imagining someone actually saying that makes my skin crawl Confused

quirrelquarrel · 05/01/2014 10:02

He's allowed to feel disappointed, but it's not on if he's using that to manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do.

just read this now-

Now, he wants to know what I'll do in the bedroom to compromise for not swinging. I just want a good healthy, normal relationship and he's not happy.

Shock you are not there purely to satisfy him! now he's acting like you owe him something- because you told him that you didn't feel comfortable with something, and he can't be bothered to deal with his feelings.
procrastinatingagain · 05/01/2014 10:04

Your husband sounds very selfish. I had a similar problem with exp. He wanted to swing and I didn't. The only reason we didn't end up doing it was because I couldn't bear the thought of advertising myself on the internet for sex. For some reason I felt unable to just say I didn't want to do it. He also tended to pressurise me to do other sexual things that I didn't want. It was all a bit of a turn off in the end.

OxfordBags · 05/01/2014 10:04

You do nothing to compromise for not swinging. To demand this of you is abusive. When one partner wants to swing and the other doesn't, it's either cheating or abuse. Really, he should be the one doing nice things for you to apologise for making you go along with things you clearly aren't into all this time. But I suspect he won't.

HowlingTrap · 05/01/2014 10:05

Now, he wants to know what I'll do in the bedroom to compromise for not swinging. I just want a good healthy, normal relationship and he's not happy.

^^ I missed this Shock dear, dear I would have told him to f' off!!

Offred · 05/01/2014 10:07

This is nothing to do with swinging, which although not my bag, I know people whose bag it is quite happily...

Agree with others he is sexually abusive and I'm not surprised your sex life has dwindled.

You need to leave, you can't stay with someone who sexually abuses you. I know you probably won't feel it is quite that bad but it is I'm afraid...

Coconutty · 05/01/2014 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkyredrose · 05/01/2014 10:14

What Offred said.

Bowlersarm · 05/01/2014 10:14

It's just not something you can carry on with if you're not into it. You need to talk to him, but don't be trying to think of ways you can 'make up for it' in the bedroom. It's not your responsibility.

happytalk13 · 05/01/2014 10:23

So it's perfectly ok for you to do something you don't want to do for his benefit? He has no respect for you. At all. No care or consideration for your feelings, for your self respect, for your personal integrity, for you as an individual. You aren't special to him. Your body and personhood is a tool for him to get his jollies on - sexual abuse.

In this instance - LTB.

wolvesatmydoor · 05/01/2014 10:24

Sadly I don't think there is any future for you with him. He is putting his needs before yours regardless of your feelings. He's not more important than you. The suggestion that you have to offer some alternative to compromise for not swinging is horrible and abusive, you are worth so much more than that. Sorry but you clearly won't be able to have a healthy normal relationship with him. Please don't let him manipulate you any further

TSSDNCOP · 05/01/2014 10:28

Coconutty nailed it.

Twinklestein · 05/01/2014 10:28

I would tell him to take his entitlement and fuck off to a dogging carpark.
He'll get lots of compromise there.

roadwalker · 05/01/2014 10:30

He is acting like spoiled brat, why should his wishes come before yours?

Casmama · 05/01/2014 10:33

Tell him your compromise is to buy a large strap-on for you to wear.

Original poster
Kitty909 · 05/01/2014 10:39

We have had many great years of marriage... And I'm really hoping we can sort this out.

I want a 'get back to basics' approach, because even our affection towards each other has gone. I have said we need to work from this and build our sex life back up again. He thinks I'm making no effort and this is becoming a he-said she-said argument to do with everything else.
I do wonder if I need to see the GP for help to re-boot my sex-drive, but right now I feel my self-esteem in the bedroom is rock bottom. One of my arguments against swinging was it becomes a problem if that's what needed to keep sex interesting and fulfilling - and so it has. I totally get it for those who enjoy swinging, but there is obviously difficulty when a couple's involvement is not equal. Dh is bitter and cross, I am relieved i put my foot down. It hard to find middle ground.
Thanks for such supportive comments

OP posts:
DownstairsMixUp · 05/01/2014 10:41

Maybe you should show him this thread and see if the replies kick him into seeing what a twat he is being about the whole thing!

wolvesatmydoor · 05/01/2014 10:42

Haha. Casmama, I like it!!

Buzzardbird · 05/01/2014 10:44

Stop blaming yourself. He is abusive. Leave.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 05/01/2014 10:46

It's fine if he likes that kind of thing.

It's perfectly acceptable you dislike it.

He has to decide if it matters more than your marriage.
If it does, he should leave on his own accord.
If it doesn't, then he should shut up with compromise and just get on with an ordinary sex life as it isn't your place to change what he wants.

You have to decide what behaviour you are willing to put up with too.
Is him asking people to meet up before even asking you a deal breaker?
How about if he was to meet these couples without you, would this be a deal breaker?
What about him expecting you to take the slack from it, do you think this is fair on you?

I keep saying it on most relationship threads but it's so true;
you can't change someone else's behaviour, you can just modify yours because the only person you can control is yourself.
He'd do well to take that point on board too.

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