Dh into swinging... I'm not, so what now?

[Kitty909]

My dh and I have had a big row over the past few days about our thoughts of swinging. This is now potentially a deal breaker in our marriage and naturally, we are both very annoyed and upset.

A little history... We've been married 14 years and have a ds 16 (my son from previous relationship) and a dd 11. We have had about 7-8 years of serious stress involving money, property, jobs, legal but have worked together to try to get through it, and although all is not sorted, we are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

About 8 years ago we went to Hedonism in Jamaica for a holiday. This was seen as a fun, adventurous place to be to have a special holiday with each other... And it was. There were people who were into swinging, but we enjoyed the charged atmosphere, the silly games, the sun and the food, but we were totally monogamous and had a great time.

This seems to have kick started my dh's interest in swinging, and looking back, while it was never forced on me, I felt under pressure to give it a go. So, over the last 5 or so years, we have been occasional swingers meeting up with others through internet sites. I must stress, this has happened only a couple of times a year, but was always as a result of dh's efforts.

I have never enjoyed this involvement, but felt pressure to go along with it because dh got such a thrill from it.

So the other day, my dh had arranged to meet a couple - then asked me..... At first I thought, here we go again, I'll go to keep the peace. After thinking it over, I told him I had changed my mind and didn't want to go. Well, I am now the worst in the world! I know he was disappointed and probably a bit angry, but I wanted to make a stand that 'it's not me!' and not something that I feel happy to do.

We have had a dwindling sex life over the last few years, probably due to our stress, tiredness, age (late 40's) but I think he felt these occasional hook-ups spiced things up enough. Now, he wants to know what I'll do in the bedroom to compromise for not swinging. I just want a good healthy, normal relationship and he's not happy.

Obviously, this isn't something I can discuss with my girlfriends or my mum! Any advice appreciated... I don't know where this will go.
Thank you

Had you told him before that you really didn't enjoy the swinging or has he been carrying on merrily believing that you were a happy participant?
I'm wondering if this refusal has come as a shock to him.

Swinging, or any sexual activity, should only ever take place between consenting adults, so if you are being coerced or pressured, then that is quite clearly wrong. He has no right to pressure you, and no right to demand alternatives from you. This is non-negotiable.

I think you need to spell it out to him very clearly, that you did not enjoy the swinging and have no wish to repeat the experience. You would love to revive your sex life, but not by trying new things, by getting back to basics so you can begin to enjoy the intimacy again.

If he doesn't agree to that, I think you have major problems.

Hello there arsenal. Haven't seen you for a while. Which was nice.

MostW, the most disturbing part of the behaviour is the DH suggesting he is owed some kind of alternate thrill from the OP.

I wonder if he was the instigator of the hedonism holiday? swinging isn't my bag but I know couples who do and its terrible when one partner is doing it for the others thrills, it just is manipulative behaviour.. It's frowned upon in fact. Put your foot down and say that sex is far more fun exploring as a couple rather than looking for a random fuck.

I don't know how you got to where you are but anything in a marriage needs to be a tick in the box from both of you. That would have to be to go swinging and for who you swing with.

Why on earth is he setting up meets without you being involved in who you are meeting, even if you were into swinging.

Even if you are into swinging, that doesn't mean you have to be into swinging with anyone, and the frequency needs to be dictated by the 2 ticks in the box principle.

Lastly, why the hell is he not completely devastated by the fact that you are unhappy and no comfortable and being reassuring? The idea of swinging is to have fun, you aren't having fun so why would he not take this very seriously indeed.

This swinging lark...you have to actually fancy the people you are meant to get it on with, yeah ?

So, OP wasn't consulted, has no idea whether or not she would like to exchange body fluids with these potential troll-types and her H is pissed off with her ?

What did he expect ? That she shag them anyway ?

It seems to me in some cases that "swinging" is simply a euphemism for old fashioned infidelity supposedly "sanctioned" by a partner who is reluctant but for some unfathomable reason fears the loss of the shagger.

Indeed, AF, aka having your cake and eating it. Unsustainable.

Beyond grim. I hope OP sticks to her guns and Shagger fucks off to a bedsit where he can keep himself warm with his special websites.

I haven't tried swinging but if I were going to, I think a lot of the appeal of it would be lost if I didn't have any say in the 'selection' of the couple we'd be with.
Even if I were up for swinging and it was my #1 hobby I'd still politely decline if I hadn't known anything about arrangements :/
Ok, maybe drop politely...

I'd be equally turned off upon arriving at a 'meet up' (meat up?) and realising the other woman was clearly there because her bastard dp/dh had pressured her to be. Nothing sexy about that!

Both of those examples are really underplaying the situation, too..

JoysMum - because he's an abusive twat.

Sorry, OP, but he is.

It can be a lot to take in the first time you post something like this in 'Relationships' - how are you today?

Read the 2,3,4 paragraphs in the first post.
My guess is she was open to trying, didn't like it but went along with it because her DH was overly enthusiastic about it.
No court on earth would say the OP was sexually abused because she wasn't.
She went along with it because she felt pressure to please her husband because of her Low Self Esteem but she hasn't been abused.

Well there is a difference between Coercion and Pressure.
Examples of Coercion: If you don't I'll hit you. I'll stop paying bills. I'll tell you are a fat, you are boring, ugly, etc.
Examples of Pressure: peer pressure. "come one I really like it, lets try it.."x100, thinking oh he might think I'm boring. He might leave or cheat if I don't, etc.

There is always a good reason someone develops Victim Mentality (he sounds like a cock) but having that mind-set indefinitely doesn't help anyone.
You'll end up doing things you are not comfortable with because you feel pressured to please people and you'll come across like a martyr.

If I don't 100% agree with the more vocal posters doesn't mean I'm wrong.
Again if you think Coercion and Pressure are the same, then you too could benefit with reading a lot about Victim Mentality.

He now wants her to do something else instead in the bedroom because she won't swing. They've had a huge row about it. ANY decent partner would not be angry with their partner for saying no to something sexual - he is an abusive twat. And you only play a victim if you decide to keep on playing. If you realise someone is an abusive twat and stand up and say no and the abusive twat carries on you are not playing a victim, you are simply dealing with an abusive twat.

By your standards, arsenal, him engaging in a row over this, acting angry and then making further demands has gone way into the realms of pressure.

There is no treatment a GP can give you to 'reboot your sex drive'. And even if there was, why would you want it rebooted so you can do something that doesn't turn you on?

There is psychosexual counselling - but you have already suggested to your partner that you try regaining the intimacy in your relationship and he would rather have cheap thrills.

You definitely don't require treatment so don't make this your fault. He needs to get to your level as I don't think you can be in a relationship where his desire for swinging is more important than you.

I have never enjoyed this involvement, but felt pressure to go along with it because dh got such a thrill from it.

You tried it to please him and now he's 'bitter and cross' because you've put your foot down? He arranged it, THEN asked you?

Worst of all he wants to know what I'll do in the bedroom to compromise for not swinging.

Honestly OP, this is horrible behaviour. You've said No and that's a good start, but if I were you I'd be thinking 'you know what? he's not a nice man, I'm off' and go through with it.

I appreciate it's difficult to leave a long marriage with all the complications that entails, I really do, but you've said it yourself: you want something different, something completely reasonable -a marriage where you don't have to have sex with other people to keep 'D'H happy - grim indeed.

OP there's nothing wrong with your sex drive...in fact, all that's wrong here is your DH is only about getting his own thrills, doesn't give a damn about what you want, and subconsciously, this behavior has turned your mind and body off him. You might not have realised this yet...

There's no 'going back to basics' with this guy because basics for him is now swinging and/or getting you to perform various sexual acrobatics for his gratification. He doesn't want whatl you want.

You're still young OP... my advice is ltb and find someone you have more in common with. Others are right. Whether we use the word abuse or not, your DH is trying to control and dictate how you live your life.

I like swinging and know quite a few couples who engage in it and all enjoy it. However, I do think this man is being selfish and unkind, and that the OP would be better off without him. If one partner wants to engage in swinging and the other doesn't, the right thing to do is arrange an amicable separation, not for one partner to insist that his/her preference is the 'correct' choice and the other has to go along with it.

Arsenal - do you understand the concept of sexual consent.

Your examples are a load of rubbish btw.

Sexual abuse is not a crime either so not something a court would necessarily have any opinion over.

he understands it alright

he is simply one of those posters that takes every opportunity to rubbish it, and uses the threads of vulnerable women to attempt to undermine those who would support them

With SolidGoldBrass on this one, and I'd go further: if he's dragging along an unwilling participant he's spoiling it for those that DO want to be there. The gobshite.

Wow, there's a lot of top advice here and thank you for your interest and comments.
Have had a long long chat with dh and as usual, when you start to debate one issue, a whole lot of others suddenly appear. The upshot is it will be just us in the bedroom and I want time to explore our needs together and with love and respect.... Dh and I want to make it work, so hopefully now he knows without question my thoughts of swinging, we can re-start things in a totally different direction. Time will tell, but I am trying to remain positive.

Glad you have made progress, OP.

Wow ! good luck op your going to need it!

He sounds like a utter cunt.

Haven't read all of this - don't know if seeing a sex therapist might help?

OP,

You make it sound as if you were never really that 'into' swinging.
If this is the case then I hate to say it, you should have spoken up at the time.
Even if this is not the case and you have other thoughts now you DH must respect your opinion unconditionaly!
It is not acceptable for him to treat you like this regardless as to how he feels about it.
In every case like and similar to this, if one party is unhappy with what is going on the other needs to respect that.
There is no excuse for him to be nasty about this and it must stop for the sake of your relationship.

....... omg, "what are you going to do in the bedroom to make up for not swinging?" . He is very entitled.

If that was in a sitcom it would be funny. But from your husband.