Dh into swinging... I'm not, so what now?

[Kitty909]

My dh and I have had a big row over the past few days about our thoughts of swinging. This is now potentially a deal breaker in our marriage and naturally, we are both very annoyed and upset.

A little history... We've been married 14 years and have a ds 16 (my son from previous relationship) and a dd 11. We have had about 7-8 years of serious stress involving money, property, jobs, legal but have worked together to try to get through it, and although all is not sorted, we are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

About 8 years ago we went to Hedonism in Jamaica for a holiday. This was seen as a fun, adventurous place to be to have a special holiday with each other... And it was. There were people who were into swinging, but we enjoyed the charged atmosphere, the silly games, the sun and the food, but we were totally monogamous and had a great time.

This seems to have kick started my dh's interest in swinging, and looking back, while it was never forced on me, I felt under pressure to give it a go. So, over the last 5 or so years, we have been occasional swingers meeting up with others through internet sites. I must stress, this has happened only a couple of times a year, but was always as a result of dh's efforts.

I have never enjoyed this involvement, but felt pressure to go along with it because dh got such a thrill from it.

So the other day, my dh had arranged to meet a couple - then asked me..... At first I thought, here we go again, I'll go to keep the peace. After thinking it over, I told him I had changed my mind and didn't want to go. Well, I am now the worst in the world! I know he was disappointed and probably a bit angry, but I wanted to make a stand that 'it's not me!' and not something that I feel happy to do.

We have had a dwindling sex life over the last few years, probably due to our stress, tiredness, age (late 40's) but I think he felt these occasional hook-ups spiced things up enough. Now, he wants to know what I'll do in the bedroom to compromise for not swinging. I just want a good healthy, normal relationship and he's not happy.

Obviously, this isn't something I can discuss with my girlfriends or my mum! Any advice appreciated... I don't know where this will go.
Thank you

Another man who fails to get that consent must be ascertained not attempts on someone not consenting be rejected....

I think not wantinng to sleep with him is just predictable given how entitled he is, and how he's behaving.

There is no tablet that your gp can prescribe that will make him a more attractive person to you.

I believe that suicidally depressed housewives in the 50's were prescribed Mogadon in large quantities. OP could try that. Or LSD.

Or horny goat weed Anyfucker! It makes your husband less selfish, less entitled, more generous.... no hang on. That's the lsd talking.

@Kitty909 have you resolved the problem?

If you are in your late forties you are probably starting your menopause journey. One symptom being a reduced libido and less tolerance for stressful stuff. Watch Davina Mcalls film about the menopause, it’s very enlightening and then get yourself down to the gp, I mean book a phone consult, and get your hormones sorted. 60% of medics don’t do the optional menopause segment, so be well informed before you go. All this advice is not for your selfish husband’s benefit, it’s entirely for yours. Better hormone levels make you feel better generally, stronger and better able to cope with everything.
I have no advice on your sexual situation just don’t do anything you are not 100% comfortable with.

You are blaming yourself here for no reason. He sounds like a twat! Please do not allow yourself to be abused in any way by him .He sounds selfish and weak .

ZOMBIE!

This has to be one of the most awful things I've ever read on MN!

while it was never forced on me, I felt under pressure to give it a go. So, over the last 5 or so years, we have been occasional swingers meeting up with others through internet sites. I must stress, this has happened only a couple of times a year, but was always as a result of dh's efforts.

You are being forced. You are being coerced into having sex with strangers against your wishes. This is sexual abuse, plain and simple, and you need to tell your "D"H that. He's now sulking because you don't want to be penetrated by a man you don't know? I'd divorce the bastard for that.

Argh. Just seen it's a Zombie thread. WHY resurrect a thread that's SEVEN years old????

The thing I would be doing to make up for not swinging is leaving!

Z
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M
B
I
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Now, he wants to know what I'll do in the bedroom to compromise for not swinging. I just want a good healthy, normal relationship and he's not happy.

This gave me the shivers. Up til that point I was willing to believe that people sometimes go in different directions sexually and it can be sad, but part of life. But this sentence is so worrying. Why on earth would anyone want to have sex with someone who is behaving like this? Because belittling and threatening you is so sexy, right? You may have a desire disorder - hormones really affect how we feel over time - but nothing you are saying about your husband would make having sex with him seem like a good idea so it may be that you dont feel sexual because he is being such an arse. A sex or relationship therapist could help with this, but in general seems like a good relationship should be able to weather disagreements without one person becoming bitter and nasty. I am not sure there is a middle ground.

@Vikky89 perhaps start your own thread asking for advice/if anyone has resolved similar issues, a poster from 2014 might not be using mumsnet any more and people will be able to offer you advice rather than commenting on the original post
Sorry you are having a tough time

Could you arrange sessions with a sex therapist? He is not being fair to you here at all. If it were me, I'd separate. He wants a different lifestyle now.

The OP is long gone. This thread is 7 years old.

This is going to sound blunt but ... this can't can't fixed.

He doesn't really want a monogamous relationship, you do.

This has been going on with him a long time.

He "gently" groomed you into swinging with the swinger club holiday (without actually swinging), then he upped I to actual swinging (which he must have known younwrer not equally enthusiastic about), now he's pushing for more of it.

He's quite coercive and sexually abusive really. Illustrated again by his "of younwint swing, if I can't get the sec I want with other women, what a you going to do yk make up.for that?!".

The entitlement an coercion is just horrible.

As others have said, it's it's he sees women/you as a sex doll, a resource, a tool for his sexual gratification.

And what does he mean? Bdsm or something? Inviting in sex workers?

Look, the bottom line is that he wants to have sex with other people, he duesbt want a sexualy monogamous relationship, and IMHO hes going to keep pushing abd pushing abd grooming for that. Especially since he's got what he wants before, in spite of you not really wanting to do it.

I wouldn't be surprised if he actually cheats or uses sex workers at some point and finds a way to blame you.

It's not going to work, he doesn't want a sexually monogamous relationship, he needs to find a.wiman like him (good luck to him, they're not common, esp ones he's also consider relationship material.for the wider aspects of life) and you need to find a man who also wants a sexually monogamous relationship.

There is no winning here with this man.

FYI I think he's a sleaze, creep, cheater (evennif he has managed to.groom you into swinging), and sexually selfish, coercive and entitled. He could not truly care about his partner to have done what hes done and to be now coercing and demanding in a different sexual direction.

Horrible, horrible specimen, no matter how he appears publicly.

Oh ffs ZOMBIE

2014... Wonder how the OP is doing now and if she is still with her DH?

The fact that you can’t discuss this with your close friend or your mum tells you what you need to know. It’s behaviour that you are ashamed of. Your husband isn’t. You need to go your separate ways now before more heartache.

ZOMBIE

[quote Vikky89]@Kitty909 have you resolved the problem?[/quote]
fucks sake it was 7 years ago

@Kitty909

We have had many great years of marriage... And I'm really hoping we can sort this out. I want a 'get back to basics' approach, because even our affection towards each other has gone. I have said we need to work from this and build our sex life back up again. He thinks I'm making no effort and this is becoming a he-said she-said argument to do with everything else. I do wonder if I need to see the GP for help to re-boot my sex-drive, but right now I feel my self-esteem in the bedroom is rock bottom. One of my arguments against swinging was it becomes a problem if that's what needed to keep sex interesting and fulfilling - and so it has. I totally get it for those who enjoy swinging, but there is obviously difficulty when a couple's involvement is not equal. Dh is bitter and cross, I am relieved i put my foot down. It hard to find middle ground. Thanks for such supportive comments

We have had many great years of marriage... And I'm really hoping we can sort this out. You are making the sunk cost fallacy. He is not the man you thought he was, he is not the man you want him to be, it is clear that he is only focusing on his own sexual enjoyment otherwise he would not be asking you to "compensate" him for not being willing to go swinging.

You have two choices, leave him now, or leave him later, but as he is being so inherently selfish there is no long term happiness with him option here.

Just seen that this is a Zombie thread, MN really need to lock threads that have not been posted on for more than a few weeks, let alone seven years!