Dh into swinging... I'm not, so what now?

[Kitty909]

My dh and I have had a big row over the past few days about our thoughts of swinging. This is now potentially a deal breaker in our marriage and naturally, we are both very annoyed and upset.

A little history... We've been married 14 years and have a ds 16 (my son from previous relationship) and a dd 11. We have had about 7-8 years of serious stress involving money, property, jobs, legal but have worked together to try to get through it, and although all is not sorted, we are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

About 8 years ago we went to Hedonism in Jamaica for a holiday. This was seen as a fun, adventurous place to be to have a special holiday with each other... And it was. There were people who were into swinging, but we enjoyed the charged atmosphere, the silly games, the sun and the food, but we were totally monogamous and had a great time.

This seems to have kick started my dh's interest in swinging, and looking back, while it was never forced on me, I felt under pressure to give it a go. So, over the last 5 or so years, we have been occasional swingers meeting up with others through internet sites. I must stress, this has happened only a couple of times a year, but was always as a result of dh's efforts.

I have never enjoyed this involvement, but felt pressure to go along with it because dh got such a thrill from it.

So the other day, my dh had arranged to meet a couple - then asked me..... At first I thought, here we go again, I'll go to keep the peace. After thinking it over, I told him I had changed my mind and didn't want to go. Well, I am now the worst in the world! I know he was disappointed and probably a bit angry, but I wanted to make a stand that 'it's not me!' and not something that I feel happy to do.

We have had a dwindling sex life over the last few years, probably due to our stress, tiredness, age (late 40's) but I think he felt these occasional hook-ups spiced things up enough. Now, he wants to know what I'll do in the bedroom to compromise for not swinging. I just want a good healthy, normal relationship and he's not happy.

Obviously, this isn't something I can discuss with my girlfriends or my mum! Any advice appreciated... I don't know where this will go.
Thank you

@marchez

The only thing worse than realising its a zombie thread, is realising its a zombie thread when you have written a massive post *@sleepingbunnies21*

It was a good post though

I really don't think you need to see a GP. I think if you were with a considerate and non abusive lover who showed you some fucking respect, your sex drive would take on a new lease of life.

So the other day, my dh had arranged to meet a couple - then asked me..... At first I thought, here we go again, I'll go to keep the peace. After thinking it over, I told him I had changed my mind and didn't want to go. Well, I am now the worst in the world! I know he was disappointed and probably a bit angry, but I wanted to make a stand that 'it's not me!' and not something that I feel happy to do.

Hold on ... he set up an encounter without discussing it with you, let alone asking if you were up for it - & is now "disappointed & angry" that you don't want to do it?

How fucking DARE he be angry that his own wife is reluctant to be pimped out by him?

So he’s organising for you to have sex you don’t want with a stranger. Then getting annoyed when you say no? How is this any different to prostitution? The only difference is you’re not getting paid. Right? He’s your pimp. That’s fine if you both get off on that. You don’t. You are no longer compatible. He likes shagging strangers. There no putting that genie back in the box I’m afraid. The marriage is over. If you want normal, go find normal. You’re only 40. Another 40 years of life in front of you.

Now, he wants to know what I'll do in the bedroom to compromise for not swinging. I just want a good healthy, normal relationship and he's not happy.

Oh now I get it.
As you are so stubbornly refusing to allow him to rape you by proxy, you now owe him an alternative sexual activity of his choice?

He actually believes he owns you OP.

In what other areas do his wishes come first, & his demands supersede your comfort & consent?

I do wonder if I need to see the GP for help to re-boot my sex-drive

Oh FUCKING HELL NO.
Sorry Kitty, I am so angry at the number your pervert has done on you.

I don't think he's perverted for wanting to swing, for being highly sexed, or wanting variety in the bedroom.
I know he's perverted because he's sexually coercive.

Please be absolutely assured - you do not need to see a GP about your sex drive.
The is nothing wrong with your sex drive that won't be fixed by you not being coerced into sex you do not want, or disrespected, devalued, & treated like a sex doll.

This is not a problem for you to fix. It is not your problem, it is DH's problem, & his anger, demands, pressure & entitlement are hugely worrying. I bet it's not just sex he's selfish & demanding about either ...