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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Girlfriend careless with mini pill

346 replies

concern3d · 01/01/2014 16:21

I would greatly appreciate some input into my situation so I can try and work out whether or not I'm over thinking things.

My girlfriend is taking Cerelle. I have done a lot of reading about this and understand that it should be taken at the same time every day in order to be ~99% effective at preventing pregnancy.

However, my girlfriend is adamant that the '12 hour window' means she can take it any time within a 12 hour period. She has chosen 7am to 7pm. She therefore takes it whenever she remembers between these hours.

I have explained to her my understanding of how it should be used, but she is insistent that she has been using it for a long time and has been assured by a doctor that her use of the mini pill is fine.

We have had a number of conversations about this, which always end in hard feelings. What should be a discussion turns into an argument.

We have only been using the mini-pill for contraception as I trusted she was using it correctly. However, over the past few weeks as I have got to know more about her attitude towards and practice of contraception, I am concerned that we should be using a second method.

I feel as though I have no control over the situation and am placing all my trust in her. I am nowhere near in a position to have a child at the moment - either financially, or in terms of maturity. Additionally, we have not been dating for long. I would appreciate your opinions on the situation.

OP posts:

curlew · 02/01/2014 10:15

There is a strong trend in the men's rights movement to say that women hold all the cards when it comes to reproductive rights. That men are helpless pawns who have no control at all over their fertility. And this proves that men are the disadvantaged sex. We need to be very watchful that this does not gain mainstream acceptance.

curlew · 02/01/2014 10:16

"So I would be correct in assuming that every single participant on this thread is doubling-up on contraception (unless TTC), because no one should trust their partner in using theirs responsibly?"

Of course not. But if I didn't trust him- as the OP does not trust his partner- then I would

Offred · 02/01/2014 10:16

I know one guy who basically ran away from his child, has not paid a penny or seen him for 10 years and if he bumps into him on the street (still lives in this town) he actually physically runs away from him.

This guy has not been ostracised in any way by the social group. His ex and the woman who has raised his son for over a decade have however.

Same with my xp, no-one ostracised him for what he did, but they did me.

Same with a friend who was recently subjected to dv by a boyfriend who, unknown to her but known to the social group, had form for hitting every gf he has ever had (she had a black eye) and was told "there are always two sides to every story, we don't want to get involved".

There's no stigma that I can see amongst people of my generation (I'm 29) for leaving a baby when you're a man or sadly for beating up/raping/otherwise abusing women.

Offred · 02/01/2014 10:19

His ex and the woman who raised his son as well as the son himself I should have said!

Pan · 02/01/2014 10:19

He just didn't get treated by everyone as one of the lords of creation

For fuck's sake curlew, you do like to justify shit don't you? There was nothing of that expectation in anything he said - that's what some of the usual posters wish to imply in order to be as unpleasant as possible as a justification. Whilst his OP and follow up weren't exactly water tight, the sneeryness and plain disdain was apparent from the off. Yes he sounded young (and recognised his own immaturity re being a parent which is a sign of maturity itself) and said he was new to MN, but he obv had no idea about the nasty, stylised, 'group' manner that MN posters like to get into when dealing with particular issues at times. This is where MN doesn't handle RL very well at all.

Offred · 02/01/2014 10:22

Trying to argue your gf into changing her contraception is not RL, or it shouldn't be.

Where has he asked what he should do? He only asked whether he was overthinking the issue of reliability. Probably not over thinking but interfering in something which is not his to interfere in and when the solution is very simple. To take some responsibility himself.

Offred · 02/01/2014 10:24

And he didn't like that advice. There was no roasting before he flounced off. That only really happened after. Yet he flounced off berating the whole of mumsnet anyway... Because he was told to wear a condom and stop being unreasonably interfering in his gf's chosen method of contraception. Just why would that provoke such a dramatic flounce?

curlew · 02/01/2014 10:29

*"He just didn't get treated by everyone as one of the lords of creation

For fuck's sake curlew, you do like to justify shit don't you?"*

Right back atcha, Pan!

Pan · 02/01/2014 10:29

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 02/01/2014 10:30

There's a fair bit in the OP that makes me go all prickly tbh. But this bit:

We have had a number of conversations about this, which always end in hard feelings. What should be a discussion turns into an argument.

Mansplaining to his gf about how to take her hormonal contraception (when she's taking the advice of her GP) - Priceless

But that aside, I'm pretty sure the rule of thumb with a new partner is to use condoms, at least at the beginning. Not just have sex bareback and then argue with your gf about her method of contraception.

EirikurNoromaour · 02/01/2014 10:57

The real problem with this OP, and many many young men I have spoken to about contraception, is a sense of entitlement. They believe they are entitled to have risk free, condom free sex and they get resentful if they can't have it. All men need to know that condom free sex is never risk free, in fact no sex is. But this message isn't getting through for some reason. The attitude of the OP was astounding, 'I'm in a newish relationship with a woman and I don't trust her to take the pill properly, what shall I dooooooo' and the blindingly obvious solution, take responsibility for your own sexual health, was just barely acknowledged.

Plus the mansplaining. That's just annoying.

SinisterSal · 02/01/2014 11:02

Gods sake Pan EVERYONE gets castigated here when they are cavalier with contraception while simultaneously wringing their hands helplessly.

He got the Cop On advice that everyone gets.

Pan · 02/01/2014 11:03

But Sabrina, this isn't 'mansplaining'. He'd looked at the guidance (also linked to above) and it was contrary to what gf was saying. It isn't him making stuff up because he's a bloke and thinking he knows best because of that fact. Contraceptive experts were telling him this.
Obv using a condom as well is a solution, but as someone indicated above, that shifts the relationship into a trust discussion.
And GPs are not exactly infallible, are they?

curlew · 02/01/2014 11:05

Has anyone any idea what the OP was expecting people to say? Because it seems to have boiled down to-

"I don't think my sexual partner is being careful enough with contraception. She is adamant that she is. What should I do? Should I use some form of contraception myself?

"Yes. You'd be a fool not to"

"How dare you? I'm never coming here again"

Pan · 02/01/2014 11:07

Sinister - um..taking the time to have the discussion with gf, look stuff up, and post on MN isn't evidence of someone being cavalier, is it? Cavalier is exchanging secretions and still hoping for the best.

curlew · 02/01/2014 11:11

OK- Pan. What should people have said? What would have been your first post if you had been first to this thread?

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 02/01/2014 11:11

Actually pan, it seems cerelle does have a 12 hour window - as linked to upthread. But that's not the issue here that I'm getting at.

Instead of just using a condom at the start of a sexual relationship -and I think we would all agree is wise- OP was arguing with his gf about her use of the pill. If pregnancy would be a disaster for him, he really needs to take responsibility himself - the pill is (at best) only 99%.

And it so was mansplaining.

EirikurNoromaour · 02/01/2014 11:12

Pan, it really is mansplaining. She's been using this form of contraception for some time, in accordance with GP advice, and he insisted that she was doing it wrong. And to be honest with you, sexual health advisers will often give advice that runs slightly contrary to published guidance because there is more wiggle room than officially given. For example, this pill works as well when taken within a 12 hour window, but the advice is to take it at the same time, this cuts down on margin for error but does not actually make the pill more effective. Likewise the MAP is as effective after 5 days as it is after 3 but officially they say three to avoid people taking unnecessary risks and leaving it genuinely too late. If she is working with sexual health advisor advice rather than NHS guidelines she is quite correct.

Pan · 02/01/2014 11:27

Actually Sabrina, the guidance noted above indicates exception for Cerazette, not Cerelle, but that detail isn't what I was indicating either. He'd taken the effort to look stuff up and found inconsistencies in guidance, so he wasn't mansplaining - no more than she was womansplaining. Using differing sources.

He appears to be doing the responsible things. Apart from, as you say, going bareback in a new relationship.

curlew · 02/01/2014 11:31

So, pan- what should have been said?

Offred · 02/01/2014 11:34

Ok, but he IS going bareback in a new relationship because he isn't actually wearing a condom.

It was mansplaining precisely because he wasn't discussing contraception with his gf so much as trying to educate her about her own contraceptive method before using anything himself.

SinisterSal · 02/01/2014 11:34

Um...Pan, try not to patronise quite so much.

People need to Cop On about contraception. Even young men. It's not rocket science. And MN is noted for telling people to Cop On and do the obvious thing. Some people do take grave exception to that. shrug

Offred · 02/01/2014 11:36

Based on HIS worries he wanted to interfere in her hormonal contraception. He wanted mumsnet to help him convince her she was wrong to be happy with her choice. If what he wanted was some control over his fertility as opposed to some control over his gf then he'd just wear a condom and not have bothered posting.

Pan · 02/01/2014 11:40

Patronise, Sinister? The usual attempt at shutting someone up when they disagree.

My 1st response curlew? Whenever advice is sought the initial response, from me, is usually 'so what do you wish to do about it? What are your options do you think? How can you clarify this position best?' sort of thing. Which probably I'd have said here.

curlew · 02/01/2014 11:44

Nice cop out, Pan.

What response do you think he was looking for?

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