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Original poster

Girlfriend careless with mini pill

346 replies

concern3d · 01/01/2014 16:21

I would greatly appreciate some input into my situation so I can try and work out whether or not I'm over thinking things.

My girlfriend is taking Cerelle. I have done a lot of reading about this and understand that it should be taken at the same time every day in order to be ~99% effective at preventing pregnancy.

However, my girlfriend is adamant that the '12 hour window' means she can take it any time within a 12 hour period. She has chosen 7am to 7pm. She therefore takes it whenever she remembers between these hours.

I have explained to her my understanding of how it should be used, but she is insistent that she has been using it for a long time and has been assured by a doctor that her use of the mini pill is fine.

We have had a number of conversations about this, which always end in hard feelings. What should be a discussion turns into an argument.

We have only been using the mini-pill for contraception as I trusted she was using it correctly. However, over the past few weeks as I have got to know more about her attitude towards and practice of contraception, I am concerned that we should be using a second method.

I feel as though I have no control over the situation and am placing all my trust in her. I am nowhere near in a position to have a child at the moment - either financially, or in terms of maturity. Additionally, we have not been dating for long. I would appreciate your opinions on the situation.

OP posts:
Sharaluck · 02/01/2014 06:20

concern3d i think men often believe they don't have much control over contraception which is untrue. Look at my link above, using condoms and withdrawal at the same time is something men can take full responsibility for. My dh and I used this method for many years with no pregnancies :) it is a shame it is not recommended by healthcare professionals more widely.

EdithWeston · 02/01/2014 07:10

Please be very careful t looking at "perfect use" stats - the one yo need is "typical use"

When you withdraw (rapidly and without holding the condom in place) it is not "perfect use" (and it's very easy for condom to come off, and very easy to mistime so ejaculation occurs before the penis is clear of the vagina. Withdrawal - if the man has control every single time - is more effective than people think. But the "typical" use is something like 25% or higher failure.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 02/01/2014 07:33

If he did get roasted because he has come across as arrogant, blamey and a bit reckless and MNs in general have probably met their fair share of people like that already! The title of his OP is calling his GF careless when she has not been. He denigrates her 'attitude' over her taking care of her own contraception when she is taking it correctly. He has continued to have sex with her despite thinking she is taking it wrong. He has arguments with her over this even though he could Google it and get the answer in a trice. He says he is putting all his trust in her when he says he doesn't trust her. I can't really see what other response he would get but to be told to take back control himself. Forcefully yes but the response would have been similar if it was a woman coming on here and with that exact post (or as exact as it could be given the different contraceptives available for the sexes) A forceful response is to be expected when the subject matter is a potentially unwanted child ffs!
I suspect what MNetters's expected is at the point the OP is not sure his GF is not taking the pill in the correct manner,TO ACTUALLY FIND OUT, Google it, telephone a pharmacist or any GP surgery. Not keep having sex with her and rows with her about it. I may be wrong but I too do not see man hating on this thread just a bit of exasperation perhaps and good, nay excellent advice.

curlew · 02/01/2014 08:03

Oh, ffs, he didn't get "roasted". He just didn't get treated by everyone as one of the lords of creation.

Men are so used to getting special treatment, and women are so used to giving them special treatment that when they at actually treated like normal human beings who need to take an equal share of responsibilities as well as rights that they feel as if they are being got at. And women leap to their defence.

EdithWeston · 02/01/2014 08:10

I don't really see the roasting in this one either.

But I have seen a number of threads where someone asks for advice, gets snippy, accuses all MNers of being rude (or whatever) and then vanishes.

Offred · 02/01/2014 08:22

There was nothing in the thread for him once it became apparent he wasn't getting more responses like gigglestar's IMO. That's why he left because there was nothing to use to beat his gf in the argument.

sparklysilversequins · 02/01/2014 09:21

If a woman came on here and said "we use condoms but I think my BF is being careless in the way he puts them on and I feel like I am having to put my trust in him not to get me pregnant blah blah blah". There would have been sparks coming off this thread as people screamed on to tell her to get herself protected with her own method of contraception and ask her WTF she thought she was doing by not having done so already? I think she'd have got a true roasting actually. The MALE OP here got off lightly imo. Curlews post of 8.03 is spot on.

differentnameforthis · 02/01/2014 09:23

Not sure why you couldn't google it yourself

To be fair, a lot of stuff asked on here is google-able, but MN wouldn't need to exist if we all googled...

NamasteNatalie · 02/01/2014 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 02/01/2014 09:27

Actually if a woman came on here with that story I would want to know why she thought she had to "trust" him.

I would be worried about anyone in a sexual relationship who felt they couldn't easily assert their right to look after their own sexual health and fertility.

I would be concerned that she was being bullied into not protecting herself and any moves to do so being seen as proof of her lack of trust.

"There would have been sparks coming off this thread as people screamed on to tell her to get herself protected with her own method of contraception and ask her WTF she thought she was doing by not having done so already?"

That might, unfortunately, be true. But it would be as stupid in that case as it was in this one.

sparklysilversequins · 02/01/2014 09:33

I agree entirely with all you say join but I don't think for one second that anyone got treated different on the the grounds of their gender.

Offred · 02/01/2014 09:34

I don't think there is an equality between men and women when it comes to pregnancy. I'd be much more concerned about a woman who posted that they couldn't trust their partner to use condoms properly.

Obviously you would advise them to use other contraception too and to leave as the op had on this thread.

However I can't read anywhere in this thread the op asking for advice on what he should do about contraception when he doesn't trust his gf to take her pill properly.

He wanted advice about whether he was overthinking the issue of the proper way of taking the pills. The answer is, from me anyway, tis none of his concern, he cannot ever know or control her pill taking. He can only take some control over his fertility by using condoms. He just wanted to be told he was right about her pill use, most likely so he could attempt to convince her to change the method of contraception she has chosen, otherwise what is the actual issue?

That's not something I support. Hormonal contraception is a very personal choice, I don't like women being pressured into it or pressured into more by men.

sparklysilversequins · 02/01/2014 09:34

Differently not different

Offred · 02/01/2014 09:38

It's stupid to ignore that there are gender differences which impact fertility and contraceptive choices. Men are able to be a little more lax with it precisely because the consequences are not as immediate in their minds and they don't have to actually carry any baby that results.

Still it remains true that there is no real argument. His gf has been given advice by her gp and is happy with the method she uses and the way she uses it. If he isn't and doesn't want a baby he should use condoms. If she objects to that he should not have sex with her. He should not try and pressure her to change her chosen contraceptive method.

Offred · 02/01/2014 09:40

And it's really rubbish to try and use mumsnet to try and achieve that aim too.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 02/01/2014 09:43

"The answer is, from me anyway, tis none of his concern, he cannot ever know or control her pill taking. He can only take some control over his fertility by using condoms."

Same answer from me.

My answer would be different if it was a woman posting, because it would be a different situation with different risks and possible outcomes.

"Men are able to be a little more lax with it precisely because the consequences are not as immediate in their minds and they don't have to actually carry any baby that results."

This is a big part of the problem, I think.

Lots of boys are being brought up with this attitude, as though it was still the era when they could just walk away from a pregnant woman.

Now that they will be on the hook financially and expected to be involved (and suffer social stigma if they are not) it is really far more important for them to protect themselves since ejaculation is the last point at which they get any say in the matter.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 02/01/2014 09:51

Men are so used to getting special treatment, and women are so used to giving them special treatment that when they at actually treated like normal human beings who need to take an equal share of responsibilities as well as rights that they feel as if they are being got at. And women leap to their defence.

Yes, I notice this more and more the older I get.

OP sulked off because he wanted everyone to berate his gf for being irresponsible - but they didn't. Instead, they told him to take responsibility himself. He didn't like that because the purpose of his OP was to get ammunition to 'win' his argument with her.

MaeveBehave · 02/01/2014 09:56

yes, i agree, if you try and re-draw the lines so that men aren't given an old established privilege, you're instantly called a man-hater by some women, that beggars belief really. I can understand that men want to hold on to all their privileges, even though the intelligent decent ones will (sometimes reluctantly) agree that women get a hard time.

I started a thread here ages ago, prompted by reading comments here, "a woman is 90% responsible for an accidental pregnancy" and although some people roasted me, some people got it and agreed with me, there was a depressingly large number of posters who just said 'yeh'. There attitude was collusion with the responsibility and the blame (and the shame and the practical issues) all falling to the woman. In their book that was just the way. it. was.

Offred · 02/01/2014 09:58

Men can and do walk away from pg all the time. There is nothing which really forces them to pay, it is dependent on the mother chasing for payment and sometimes no-one can make them pay (self employed etc).

IME there is no real stigma either. Child rearing is still seen as the woman's job and the stigma is firmly attached to single mothers not absentee fathers.

MaeveBehave · 02/01/2014 10:05

Totally.

The penalty for defying a court order to pay maintenance?

Instead of constantly berating single mothers, I'd like to see those shiny faced politicians implement real penalties for defying court orders to pay maintenance.

I knew of a woman (only through a facebook group) SHE Took a placard to her xh's office with a factual statement on it. WHen he left, that he had not paid a penny maintenance in 28 months. Something like that. SHE ended up getting some sort of caution for slander or defamation. Obviously he channelled a few hundred in to coming down on her like a ton of bricks. She was so scared and put right back in her box.

Offred · 02/01/2014 10:09

And whilst you can be subject to a spurious court case as the parent with care (as I was with xp - magistrate stated he never had cause to bring it in the first place and he wasn't making an order) which in my case lasted 3 years of court hearings and mediation. There is no facility which is equivalent in asserting the child's right to contact with their absent parent.

Offred · 02/01/2014 10:11

And maeve - that's completely shocking.

SinisterSal · 02/01/2014 10:11

If a girl came on to say her bf wasn't using condoms correctly she'd get slapped on the wrist for being cavalier with her life and life chances, basically. Numpty.
For a guy it's slightly different - he's taking the chance with someone else's life which is a step up from numptiness and shades into selfishness.

aurynne · 02/01/2014 10:14

So I would be correct in assuming that every single participant on this thread is doubling-up on contraception (unless TTC), because no one should trust their partner in using theirs responsibly?