Girlfriend careless with mini pill

[concern3d]

I would greatly appreciate some input into my situation so I can try and work out whether or not I'm over thinking things.

My girlfriend is taking Cerelle. I have done a lot of reading about this and understand that it should be taken at the same time every day in order to be ~99% effective at preventing pregnancy.

However, my girlfriend is adamant that the '12 hour window' means she can take it any time within a 12 hour period. She has chosen 7am to 7pm. She therefore takes it whenever she remembers between these hours.

I have explained to her my understanding of how it should be used, but she is insistent that she has been using it for a long time and has been assured by a doctor that her use of the mini pill is fine.

We have had a number of conversations about this, which always end in hard feelings. What should be a discussion turns into an argument.

We have only been using the mini-pill for contraception as I trusted she was using it correctly. However, over the past few weeks as I have got to know more about her attitude towards and practice of contraception, I am concerned that we should be using a second method.

I feel as though I have no control over the situation and am placing all my trust in her. I am nowhere near in a position to have a child at the moment - either financially, or in terms of maturity. Additionally, we have not been dating for long. I would appreciate your opinions on the situation.

I dare say this maze of a site results in some newbies not ending up on the right board maybe?

Maybe he wanted guidance on how to uncover and thus tackle the underlying issues in his relationship. Not everybody is blessed with such crystal clear insight as some of the posters on here .

That isn't going to happen now is it? And if you are all so concerned about the GF's welfare/wellbeing, surely you've missed a chance to potentially make things a little easier/better for her (and him) because of your need to be arsey?

Well supportive of her, some of you.

Ok, let's not bother being concerned about being used as a stick to beat someone else with then(!)

Alittlestranger maybe you should reevaluate that position. Any man has the right to use condoms if they choose to, it shouldn't be taken as an insult.

I think advice to the OP has been covered. On the point of "You seem to forget there are two people within a relationship who together are responsible for their fertility." - I will be teaching my ds to always take responsibility for himself and not to go unprotected until he actively wants to have a child. An individual should take responsibility for themselves or they have themselves to blame should the unexpected happen. I suspect everyone knows a man who feels he was 'trapped'.

You are making some pretty left field assumptions and we have missed the chance to maybe help.

We are not born equipped with a knowledge of the MN posting style, none of us.

Well Erikur when I finally meet that one mythical man who is chomping at the bit to carry on using condoms I will reevaluate.

He ISN'T going unprotected!

Enormous assumptions being made about who made what decision to use the mini pill and whether GF wanted the control or if it was left to her.

The OP went as far as coming on here for advice regarding contraception they both made a decision to use and he is now worried that he should use something else too and you accuse him of not taking responsibility?

Is that because he's not taking responsibility and he's projecting the blame for that onto his gf and trying to micromanage the hormonal contraception she is taking?

He isn't protected. As has been said up thread, there is no such thing as a joint decision about contraception in a new relationship. You each take responsibility for your own fertility and if you haven't done that don't expect any control over whether pregnancy results.

FGS in my marriage recently because we really didn't want any more children I was taking the combined pill and he was using condoms. Just relying on someone else taking the mini pill when babies would be a disaster is very irresponsible.

I think people may have been hard on the op but that may be partly because it seems like such an odd thing to ask for advice about.

OP good on you for posting and asking advice.
you are right to be concerned - taking the pill 'anytime between 7 and 7 isn't the best way to ensure it works. There may be a 12 hour window but GP's advise trying to aim for a certain time each day.
I assume you made the decision together to rely on the pill, as many couples do, but if you are adamant you couldn't cope with a child right now then using a second method is necessary. Even if used correctly no pill is 100% effective.

So in answer to your question, I don't think you are over-reacting.

I wish more men were this responsible, there would be far less women left holding the baby, or coerced into unwanted abortions.

Of course there can be joint responsibility in a new relationship! What a strange thing to say. Do you really have an intimate knowledge of everyone's relationships? based upon what you have read on MN

I had a discussion w/ my now DH because it was imperative that I did not conceive. We later decided upon my sterilisation.

OP - well done for asking for advice and trying to be responsible about avoiding an unwanted pregnancy. Mumsnet can be a vipers nest sometimes.

Use good quality condoms EVERY SINGLE TIME.

I was snippy in my response, which is unlike me. As someone said upthread, it was the accusatory tone. The use of the word 'careless'. That offended me on behalf of the GF. She went to the GP, she was taking the advice of the GP but that was not apparently good enough. So I reacted to that. [shrug]

Here is the thing that all men need to understand.

If women do not want to get pregnant they can choose to abstain from sex.
If they choose to have sex they can choose not to bother with contraception and trust to luck
Or they have a variety of methods of birth control they can use: they can get and trust the man to wear a condom, and use it effectively or go on the pill etc. some are more or less in her or his control.
If the chosen method or methods fail she can choose to have an abortion.

If men do not want to father a child they can abstain from sex.
If they do have sex they can not bother with contraception and trust to luck
Or they can leave the contraception up to the woman and trust she is taking sufficient care
Or they can choose to use a condom which is more in their control. Or a combination of contraception methods.

If their chosen method or methods of contraception fail they are out of choices.

The only sure way to avoid all possibility of pregnancy is abstinence. You don't want that and nor do most people over a certain age. Sex is really rather pleasant and fun after all.

Men's choices end at the point their penis enters the vagina. If you are concerned that your current method does not reduce the risk of pregnancy to a level you are comfortable with then wear a condom.

Ah I see you're defensive about your own choice for you to be sterilised.

I'm surprised you can't see that that is actually a prime example of taking individual responsibility for your own fertility? Jointly deciding one of you should be sterilised would be very unwise indeed. These issues are almost always individual decisions in the way that deciding whether to proceed with a pg or not is always the woman's individual choice, because it is her body.

If a man chooses not to protect himself against pg and STIs by using condoms he takes the risk of those things occurring. What his partner is doing, particularly a new partner, is not something he can have control over and therefore the idea of a joint responsibility that involves only one of you taking hormones which rely on proper use by that one person is obviously a fallacy.

If you've been together a longer time and there is love and trust then you may feel happier not to protect yourself and your decision to place trust in your partner may be more reasonable.

No not defensive. I honestly cannot see why you would think that. It is perfectly appropriate to make a joint decision in a committed relationship about which one of you should be sterilised.

Can you clarify? Where is my defensiveness?

I'd agree that if you really really don't want to be a father then minipill alone isn't good enough even if taken with reasonable care (as the OP's GF appears to be doing).

Well, I think it is very ill advised to make a joint decision about one person being sterilised in any relationship. Commitment has to be renewed over time, it isn't something you can guarantee so allowing anyone else to make a joint decision with you about something so potentially life changing is extremely unwise.

That's how men end up begging for vasectomy reversals and people end up totally gutted when their relationship breaks down and feeling they were pressured into sterilisation or are owed a relationship.

If what you've done is make a decision about the impact of sterilisation on yourself in all circumstances then that's an individual decision. One that undoubtedly affects you both and in which you have considered your current relationship, but is still an individual choice. Presumably your husband's decision to not have a vasectomy is based on him not wanting a vasectomy as an individual. That's not a joint decision.

I mean, I'm sure you'll be aware that it isn't an either or. That female sterilisation is less effective and more risky than male. That there is still a chance of pg with either and therefore a partner of someone who had been sterilised may still want to protect themselves as well.

No. Using that argument, nobody should ever make the decision to have children because commitment has to be reviewed over time. Nothing more life changing than having children.

My husband has had a Vasectomy that didn't work. He had it again (with some complications) but it unnerved us so much we decided that we would go as far as we could to be sure of no conception. It was a joint decision based upon the mutual inconvenience of worrying for very good reason.

Another pregnancy (sorry it sounds dramatic) would likely be the end of me.

Sorry for drip feeding too. I always hate it when others do it and here I am doing it!

Yes definitely no babies needed here. With the OP being such a massive, foot stamping toddler himself, the GF has more than got her hands full!

It was his first time using the site for goodness sake, I'm not surprised it will be his last with the hounding he got.