Girlfriend careless with mini pill

[concern3d]

I would greatly appreciate some input into my situation so I can try and work out whether or not I'm over thinking things.

My girlfriend is taking Cerelle. I have done a lot of reading about this and understand that it should be taken at the same time every day in order to be ~99% effective at preventing pregnancy.

However, my girlfriend is adamant that the '12 hour window' means she can take it any time within a 12 hour period. She has chosen 7am to 7pm. She therefore takes it whenever she remembers between these hours.

I have explained to her my understanding of how it should be used, but she is insistent that she has been using it for a long time and has been assured by a doctor that her use of the mini pill is fine.

We have had a number of conversations about this, which always end in hard feelings. What should be a discussion turns into an argument.

We have only been using the mini-pill for contraception as I trusted she was using it correctly. However, over the past few weeks as I have got to know more about her attitude towards and practice of contraception, I am concerned that we should be using a second method.

I feel as though I have no control over the situation and am placing all my trust in her. I am nowhere near in a position to have a child at the moment - either financially, or in terms of maturity. Additionally, we have not been dating for long. I would appreciate your opinions on the situation.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

What she does or doesn't do with her pills should be irrelevant to you.

YOU are no in a position to support a child right now, so YOU must do your best to make sure that doesn't happen.

That means condom every time if you are going to have PIV sex.

I'm not surprised you feel out of control, that's what you've essentially relimquished by putting YOUR fertility at the mercy of someone else.

If she gets pregnant, you get NO SAY in what happens next.

Now is your time to make a decision about whether you are going to ejaculate inside a woman you haven't been dating long.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

No one has been rude but if they had that would be the least of your worries if you are shagging someone you can't trust, don't feel you can talk to her about contraception and could potentially end up fathering a child by someone you barely know.

[K8Middleton]

Has anyone suggested a condom?

[IsItMeOr]

You're getting attitude because it sounds as if you have already had sex with your girlfriend, and it is a bit late to be worrying about this now.

The safest approach is to start off using a condom, then you can clarify your respective attitudes towards risk as your relationship develops further.

Don't people get taught this at school these days?

[concern3d]

I don't really have the time or inclination to bother responding to all your posts. I will simply bow out of this conversation rather than inflame it any further.

I will say however, that this is the first and last time I will bother using mumsnet. I had heard good things about this website in the press/media, but now I see it's populated by a number of rather unhelpful, militaristic women who think of themselves, and only themselves.

You seem to forget there are two people within a relationship who together are responsible for their fertility. Many of you obviously think very little of men generally, and very much have a 'me'/'us women' against the world attitude to life.

I thank those of you who responded with helpful and supportive posts.

[Offred]

Yes, it's all the fault of the women, nothing you did or said at all(!) Interesting response...

[duchesse]

You seem to forget there are two people within a relationship who together are responsible for their fertility.

erm, yes, that's exactly what we're all saying. So you are as responsible as your GF for contraception and therefore should definitely be using 2 methods of contraception if you're not ready to be parents. I really don't understand why you're taking umbrage at having that confirmed.

[duchesse]

I think you're cross because you were wrong about the 12 hour window and thought you could have a bit of righteous indignation about how slap-happy she was being, only to realise (confirmed by a GP below) that you were wrong all along.

[BabylonReturns]

Would you go paddling in the rain without wellies and expect your feet to stay dry?

[ALittleStranger]

Wow, did everyone manage to miss the OP raising the idea of condoms in the original post?

Use the condom. If like many people she hates them it will encourage her to be more responsible about her contraceptive use, or do more to reassure you that her method is still safe.

[IsItMeOr]

Wow, you're not really getting it, are you?

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

"You seem to forget there are two people within a relationship who together are responsible for their fertility."

NO!

Please, please don't think that this is true.

It really, really is NOT true.

Not unless you're in a committed relationship where you are planning to have children either immediately or soon and a pregnancy would not be a disaster.

YOU are solely responsible for YOUR fertility. SHE is solely responsible for her own.

If you really don't want babies then you need to make sure you don't put your swimmers where they might find themselves meeting an egg.

I really worry that boys are being brought up to think that they can push all responsibility for fertility onto girls because apart from being silly it's very much against their own interests.

IF this girls you are dating should not find the idea of pregnancy as appalling as you do and not be too worried about making sure no accidents happen, you are FUCKED if she gets pregnant.

Once that happens you are over a barrell - you get no say on anything and you will be legally and financially responsible for any baby born.

Really, really, really think again about this ridiculous notion that there can be JOINT responsibility here.

Look after yourself. You owe it you and any child inadvertently conceived because you weren't paying enough attention.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

Poor love, don't think you are ready for a sexual relationship. Best stay at home with your comics. Or something.

newsflash - men and women are equal. Until it comes to pregnancy.

[ALittleStranger]

Joinyourplayfellows all of that is true but I would be majorly hacked off if a BF announced he was going to wear condoms because he didn't trust me to take the pill. I'd want to know why he didn't trust me or why he thought I was dim enough to screw up my medication. Actually an ex did want to do this once but it was because he wanted out and was freaking out at the idea that anything could happen to keep us together.

[Mignonette]

I don't blame you Concern

[Mignonette]

And as for the 'trying to humiliate' post.

Really????

The amount of threads on here with some pretty intimate details of the posters private life and you think the OP is trying to humiliate his GF?

That has got to be right up there in the top ten projection charts.

[curlew]

"You seem to forget there are two people within a relationship who together are responsible for their fertility. Many of you obviously think very little of men generally, and very much have a 'me'/'us women' against the world attitude to life."

I think enough of men to think that they are perfectly capable of taking responsibility for their own fertility and sexual health. Which they should do. If you are not 100% happy with the precautions your partner is taking then take your own. I would say this whether you were a man or a woman.

[curlew]

"Joinyourplayfellows all of that is true but I would be majorly hacked off if a BF announced he was going to wear condoms because he didn't trust me to take the pill."

Would you? How bizarre. So you would be pissed off if a man behaved like a responsible adult?

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

People have tried to help you.

You have been very rude back.

Who is the one out for themselves there?

[ALittleStranger]

Yes Curlew I would be pissed off if a BF said he didn't trust me or thought I was an idiot. Not an unusual reaction I think. The pill plus STD screening is responsible, I'm not going to start going behind someone's back to steal their sperm.

[Mignonette]

Err, he didn't start with the abruptness actually.

And what was said upthread was true, Op was considering and/or actually using condoms.

This site is really shitty at the moment.

[Dinnaeknowshitfromclay]

I don't think the posters on here are only concerned with themselves and only themselves OP. I think they are concerned about a child being born with parents that don't want to be parents and are telling you something that as another poster put it, you should have learned at school. Flounce off by all means but don't blame others for your flouncing!

[Offred]

Erm yes because as the rest of that post said I can't understand what other reason a man would come onto the mn relationships board to apparently complain about such a non-issue.

Man doesn't want a baby, man wears a condom.

I don't think it is unreasonable to suspect he's trying to drag MN into his argument with his gf about how she should take responsibility for his fertility in order to humiliate her... Otherwise, why post?

Why should MN be used as argument fodder by someone who seems to be rather dodgily expecting their new partner to shoulder all the responsibility of preventing pg in their new relationship.

[EdithWeston]

I was more concerned (especially as OP chose to post in 'Relationships' not 'Family Planning') is where he says that discussions about contraception end invariably in rows.

That is not a sign of good communication in a relationship.

[Mignonette]

MN is used as a source of information and support by all sorts of folk who were all new at one point.

God forbid he wasn't aware of the way some MNers forensically dissect every word (and some unwritten) of posts and then project all kinds of negativity onto it.

If you are all so concerned about the site being used for the 'correct' purposes then you'd better pull a night shift in order to check upon and comment on all other similar threads. Because I suspect you are 'being dragged into arguments' rather more times than you are aware of.

Piss poor.