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Original poster

Male seeking advice

108 replies

Edward455 · 31/12/2013 10:56

Hello all. I've no idea if I'm an outlier here, but I am looking for advice from women and I hope someone can help.

I'm currently in a relationship with a woman. We've been together a while, and I love her very much. She tells me she loves me.

She has an ex-boyfriend, much wealthier than I am. She tells me their relationship is platonic. Although they split up at least two years ago, he continues to buy her jewellery for occasions such as her birthday, and I happen to know she prefers the jewellery he buys her to the jewellery I buy her. And she often wears it for long periods, as well as items that he bought he bought her when they were together. In addition he takes her out to high-end restaurants as a matter of routine when they go out.

On one recent occasion when she went out with him, I saw her later that night. I remarked on the freshness of her make-up and perfume (which is unusual for her so late in the day). She joked that she had been 'dolled up' to meet 'someone'. She later told me it was another friend. Having checked her phone I know that she lied about that (but I recognise this may be because she is nervous about telling me when she sees this ex- and genuinely doesn't want me to think there's anything untoward going on; in fact, I happen to know that she regularly lies about when she sees him).

Believe it or not, I have no reason to think that she is sleeping with him.

What if anything should I read into the above?

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 31/12/2013 11:05

Does she know that you check her phone as a matter if routine? Does she know that you think she lies to you about how often she and ex meet?

50shadesofmeh · 31/12/2013 11:06

So she goes for dinner with her supposed ex and he buys her jewellery , I wouldn't be happy with that from my husband but then it depends what stage your relationship is at.
If you find it unacceptable then you don't need to accept it in a relationship.

HOMEQCRICH · 31/12/2013 11:10

Where did op say he checks her phone as a matter of routine? Not saying he doesn't but can't see where it states he does. Having read loads of posts here where females check their oh phone rarely are they admonished. . Just saying

BillyBanter · 31/12/2013 11:12

I would not feel comfortable accepting jewellery from an ex and i would not feel comfortable in your shoes either. What does she say about it? does she not find it odd? It's like keeping him in reserve or playing you off against each other.

Gileswithachainsaw · 31/12/2013 11:15

You shouldn't have looked at her phone. Although I'm guessing you know that. But I can kind if understand why you did it.

Tbh if your relationship has got to the phone checking stage I think your in more trouble than you think (with regards to the relationship)

It doesn't sound over tbh. There's no need fir lavish dinners and jewellery from the ex. She needs to make up her mind and stop stringing you both along.

Original poster
Edward455 · 31/12/2013 11:18

It's not that I check her phone as a matter of routine, it's that having done so I discovered (although I already suspected) that she lies to me as a matter of routine about whom she is seeing.

And no, she doesn't know I've done it.

As for what's acceptable and what's not, I just don't know. I don't want to try and control her. I want her to enjoy her life and be able to see her friends.

But is he an ordinary friend?

Seems to me that buying jewellery is a romantic gesture. I don't know for sure that he knows I exist.

At the very least I suspect that she is keeping him in reserve. At worst, although I don't think she has slept with him since they split up, I suspect she is being less than honest with both herself and me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edward455 · 31/12/2013 11:21

As regards the lavishness of the gifts and the dinners, it may just be that because he is wealthy he thinks little of it and she, knowing this and knowing that she is not interested in him any more, also thinks nothing of it.

I'm trying not to blow it out of proportion, but I'm finding it very difficult.

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 31/12/2013 11:23

See, I think your already on your way to explaining it all away.

She's lying
She's accepting gifts from her ex

That alone is behaviour that seriously impacts on the trust in a relationship. Doesn't matter what the lying is about or if the ex can afford it.

If your not living together or married I'd walk awY now before it gets any more complicated

Buzzardbird · 31/12/2013 11:25

Imo she is taking you for a ride, sorry. Cake and eat it spring to mind.

AngryBirdRoast · 31/12/2013 11:26

Hi Edward,

In your shoes (and I'm a bird, not a bloke, but still) I would be looking to end the relationship calmly and politely.

She is behaving very oddly and also lying to you.

no matter what else is going on, if you know you're being lied to and accept that, you must be prepared to accept that your relationship is a counterfeit.

I think you know what you have to do. Don't get nasty or try to play games. Just say that you feel uncomfortable with certain aspects of the relationship, and would prefer to be on your own for the time being.

Then leave.

Dirtybadger · 31/12/2013 11:28

I am great friends with a few exes. I wouldn't go out on a date with them when I had a dp...
Which for me is what this sounds like. Wouldn't accept jewellery (or any quality) either.

This guys lifestyle is probably very different to mine but regardless it is very odd.

Does she know that you are comfortable with this arrangement?

Dinner is a bit intimate.

50shadesofmeh · 31/12/2013 11:29

Well Edward you need to work out at this stage what YOU want from a relationship before things get more serious. Some couples are happy for their other halves to have friends of the other sex , if it makes you uncomfortable then you need to discuss it with her.

Locketjuice · 31/12/2013 11:30

I wouldn't be happy, if they were just good friends then she has no reason to lie, but the fact is if the relationship is innocent she's is making an issue herself by lying about it iyswim
Why can't she tell you the truth? Does she know its wrong to meet an ex? She obviously knows it will hurt/upset/anger you so why does she carry on? Does she feel guilty? Or is it she is playing away? Id ask her outright all of the above

Original poster
Edward455 · 31/12/2013 11:30

Thank you all.

What if she's lying to me, though, because she knows that I'm sensitive on the subject of her ex- and his wealth, and she sincerely sees nothing more to him than a friend and is simply trying to shield me from something she knows (because only she knows her mind) I would wrongly blow out of proportion?

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 31/12/2013 11:35

Again your exhausting her behaviour. Do you honestly think she's thinking about you and your feelings at all?

Please get out now. Your clearly being sucked in and made to feel like it's all your fault.

You know exactly what's going on.

I realise in being harsh but if you can't trust her (and with good reason) then eventually it will be the "well your going to accuse me anyway so I might as well do it" crap which not only manages to allow her to cheat but silmultaneously makes it "your fault"

mcmoonfucker · 31/12/2013 11:35

Is there any reason you have not talked about this with her?

Gileswithachainsaw · 31/12/2013 11:35

Excusing (dam iPhone) Blush

joblot · 31/12/2013 11:36

Then communication is a problem between you. But frankly she is probably lying to make life easier for herself or because theres more going on. If your gut tells you somethings wrong, it probably is

Pan · 31/12/2013 11:39

Ed - you're making excuses for her. At the v best she is being massively insensitive, at worst something else. You talk of loving each other. Loving couples don't do this sort of thing. IT sounds like you are simply not on the same page commitment wise, and you are scared of losing her as you know she won't take your sensibilities into account - at a push she will choose the jewellry and swanky meals over you. These unpleasant feelings are not good.

AngryBirdRoast · 31/12/2013 11:40

She sounds like she is confused, and you do not need agirlfriend who is confused about who she wants to be with and with whom her loyalties lie.

And there is never a good reason to lie to the person you are meant to be closest to.

Not about who you are spending time with.

That's just shitty.

AngryBirdRoast · 31/12/2013 11:42

also, why settle for someone who treats you like your feelings don't matter, and like you're a bit stupid, when there are some brilliant lovely girls out there who will want to be properly with you and not arse around like this one seems to be?

I hope you can find the strength to remove yourself from this less than ideal situation because, in the words of Bobby Dylan,

'If something ain't right, it's wrong'.

BillyBanter · 31/12/2013 11:42

Perhaps you should suggest you all going out to dinner? You haven't met and you don't even know if he knows you exist.

If I was still friends with an ex I wouldn't necessarily be excited to meet their new partner if I hadn't got a new one myself but I would do it. If I was still friends with an ex I might buy them a present if it was to help out like I would another mate or something small because I know they collect fridge magnets for instance but no matter how rich I was I would not buy them jewellery for no reason.

I think you should give her an ultimatum and be prepared to finish the relationship. or just go straight to dumping her. Sorry.

HowManyMincePies · 31/12/2013 11:42

Ahh the old 'I lied to you because I knew you would be upset'.

Sorry what that means is I lied to you because I know what I am doing may be unfair or is taking the piss (romantic meals & gifts from an ex) but I want to do it any way so do.

At the end of the day she sees nothing wrong with lying to you whenever she feels like meeting this man.

Do you really want to stay in a relationship where your partner has this level of respect for you?

Or a relationship where you are reduced to checking her emails? How shit does that make you feel? Both seeing the lies there in black and white and that you are reduced to this level by a 'loving' partner.

I would let her go back to him and look for someone you can have an honest relationship with.

Pan · 31/12/2013 11:48

You aren't living together, and you haven't said how long you have been an item. Not v long?

Mostly when people ask these questions about relationships they already know the answer. It looks like you know the answer and are clutching at straws. Ultimatum won't work as she will resent you for it - controlling someone else is pointless. Gather your dignity.

Original poster
Edward455 · 31/12/2013 11:48

Thank you all, again. The general thrust of your advice is as I expected it would be.

I have tried to talk with her about her ex-, but she clams up.

She made it clear to me at the start of our relationship that she still sees him and of course I didn't want to try and tell her what to do. As time passed, I found that (for example) he had sent her a gift of flowers. My reaction to this was real shock. Likewise when I found out where she goes for dinner with him. Up to that point, she was relatively honest about whom she was seeing and when. From then on, the clamming up started. So, yes, I may wrongly be excusing the unacceptable. And it may also be the case that I pushed her into this.

OP posts: