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Original poster

Male seeking advice

108 replies

Edward455 · 31/12/2013 10:56

Hello all. I've no idea if I'm an outlier here, but I am looking for advice from women and I hope someone can help.

I'm currently in a relationship with a woman. We've been together a while, and I love her very much. She tells me she loves me.

She has an ex-boyfriend, much wealthier than I am. She tells me their relationship is platonic. Although they split up at least two years ago, he continues to buy her jewellery for occasions such as her birthday, and I happen to know she prefers the jewellery he buys her to the jewellery I buy her. And she often wears it for long periods, as well as items that he bought he bought her when they were together. In addition he takes her out to high-end restaurants as a matter of routine when they go out.

On one recent occasion when she went out with him, I saw her later that night. I remarked on the freshness of her make-up and perfume (which is unusual for her so late in the day). She joked that she had been 'dolled up' to meet 'someone'. She later told me it was another friend. Having checked her phone I know that she lied about that (but I recognise this may be because she is nervous about telling me when she sees this ex- and genuinely doesn't want me to think there's anything untoward going on; in fact, I happen to know that she regularly lies about when she sees him).

Believe it or not, I have no reason to think that she is sleeping with him.

What if anything should I read into the above?

OP posts:
NotDavidTennant · 31/12/2013 11:50

You need honesty and trust to make a relationship work. Regardless of who's in the right or wrong here, it doesn't seem like your relationship has either of those qualities.

Pan · 31/12/2013 11:52

You haven't pushed anyone into anything. You aren't that powerful here. She makes her own choices, and you're not the main factor here at all.
Sorry to be blunt but that v much appears the way it is. Find someone who respects you and your feelings.

AngryBirdRoast · 31/12/2013 11:53

We don't know the dynamic of your relationship.

The fact is you feel uncomfortable with her behaviour around her ex.

She thinks it is acceptable - generally - and has decided to lie to you because she thinks you are unreasonable in expecting it to cease.

or she knows it is unacceptable and is lying to you in order to continue doing it anyway.

Either way, you are not on the same page regarding this sort of stuff, and my feeling is that most people would not be Ok with the level of intimacy and contact they are having, let alone the lying.

So I think that your relationship with her is ultimately destined to fail regardless of the acceptability/not of her actions.

I would cut her loose.

Original poster
Edward455 · 31/12/2013 12:18

Pan, we more or less live together, have done for a few months. We've been together for just over two years.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 31/12/2013 12:24

Why is she still accepting gifts and expensive meals from her ex?

Why did they split?

I understand why you checked her phone and people on here suggest people do it to check they're not being cheated on all the time on here. I can see why you did.

She's not being very thoughtful of your feelings. She's also lying to you. Deal breaker?

HOMEQCRICH · 31/12/2013 12:25

Have you suggested meeting him? What sort of reaction do you get? I certainly wouldn't have a problem with a partner meeting a male friend ( I have neither but have in past)

Original poster
Edward455 · 31/12/2013 12:31

Meeting him is a pretty good idea, but I'm not sure I have the stomach for it. Or the money!

She has a couple of neat response re anything regarding my sensibilities: 'you're too sensitive' - ie. I'm a pansy for raising anything, and 'I don't think I would care'.

I keep quiet about it most of the time but, yes, it's got to the point where I'm checking her phone which, incidentally, she is almost surgically attached to, has a code, and which she often switches to the home page when I approach so I don't see what she's up to.

But I also know that she genuinely likes to keep herself to herself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edward455 · 31/12/2013 12:32

They split because his personal circumstances made their relationship very difficult. I happen to know that one of the two main impediments to their continuing together has now been removed.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 31/12/2013 12:34

So, he was married when they were together before ? And now he is not, or soon won't be ?

Pan · 31/12/2013 12:37

Really hope it's useful to get all this down Ed. I useful trick is to read your own posts as if someone else had written them, and draw the sane conclusions that you can't when you are in the thick of it.

HOMEQCRICH · 31/12/2013 12:38

I don't like the sound of this edward and I pretty much agree with whats already been said. What are you going to do about it though have you thought about your options? Unless this comes to a head this is going to eat away at you until you become a shadow of the person you were.
If there is anything untoward happening between them your character will then be used against you as justification for her behaviour as in 'you are paranoid, needy yada yada yada' however remember that behaviour didn't come from nowhere

drasticpark · 31/12/2013 12:42

At best she sounds unkind and uncaring.
At worst, well...
Please don't settle for this. You deserve better.

Lizzabadger · 31/12/2013 12:42

It's not so much the dinners and gifts as the fact she won't discuss it with you that would worry me in your shoes. This and her responses (you're too sensitive") make it sound like she doesn't care about your feelings at all.

I'd be thinking about ending it. You can do better.

Original poster
Edward455 · 31/12/2013 12:43

You've all been very helpful. In the same way that I kind of knew what I was going to find when I looked at her phone, I knew pretty much that what was going on was unacceptable and what would be the likely responses on here.

I'm inclined to tell her that I think she is confused about whom she wants (she already knows I think that, but has brushed it aside), that I think at best she is playing us off against each other and that we should not see each other for a while to give her time to think about what she really wants.

Assuming she says it's me she wants, I may confront her with what I know, and even how I know it (which by itself may end things, I don't know).

OP posts:
Original poster
Edward455 · 31/12/2013 12:44

No, he wasn't married. Can't really go into more details, though.

OP posts:
drasticpark · 31/12/2013 12:46

I wouldn't bother second guessing what she wants. Just concentrate on what you want. Surely it's not the situation you are in now? Tell her it's off and mean it.

clara26 · 31/12/2013 12:49

You sound like a very lovely and sensitive man Edward. Whatever her reason for lying she's lying. It's dishonest and for me personally if I can't trust my partner then there is no relationship.

I wouldn't be able to accept such gifts from an ex for fear of hurting my dp. I wouldn't accept being told who I could and couldn't be friends with but I would be sensitive and not have such a relationship with an ex.

I hope you find a solution to this but don't let your niceness be your undoing. X

Lizzabadger · 31/12/2013 13:08

As Drasticpark says , don't tell her how she feels or even try to guess at how she feels. You don't know and she can just deny it.

Talk in terms of how YOU feel.

Think about what YOU want, be clear about it and stick to it.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 31/12/2013 13:43

She's not with you, she is with him. Does he know about you?

TheGirlFromIpanema · 31/12/2013 13:54

LTB.

If it feels wrong it probably is wrong.

Walkacrossthesand · 31/12/2013 13:59

I suspect that she is tempted back to him, but doesn't want to make the break just yet, so she's lying to/deceiving you. Not nice. I venture to suggest that if she really cared about you, she would be sensitive enough to see how her continuing to see this guy is hurtful to you, so she'd either stop it, or modify the contact to include you - which means no swanky restaurants, flowers, jewellery. As it is, it looks like SR, F, J mean more to her than your feelings. Not nice.

LividofLondon · 31/12/2013 14:11

Edward you are not being "too sensitive", she's being massively insensitive. No way would I accept "romantic" gifts of flowers and jewellery from an an ex if I wasn't interested in him romantically. And definitely not if I was in a relationship with someone else. Add the fact that she lies to you and is cagey with her phone and I think you should leave her to consider which man she wants to commit to.

SandyDilbert · 31/12/2013 14:15

His wealth is not the issue here though is it, it is her meeting him secretly and accepting gifts from him. Don't confuse the fact he has more money than you with the fact that she is lying to you - that is the issue here isn't it?

FetaCheeny · 31/12/2013 14:17

I think she is probably keeping her options open and doesn't want to lose you until she's certain she can make things work with him. She may also feel that by being with you she is unattainable and that makes her more attractive to him. Hard to tell without knowing her character but that's my take from what I've read.
You seem like a nice guy, you deserve better. Just be honest and calm with her and walk away, if she decides she wants to commit to you properly she may well come back, and then you can make the choice yourself. Don't settle for sharing her, she won't respect you and you'll gradually lose your confidence and self respect. Good luck.

Jaffacakesallround · 31/12/2013 14:21

Edward if someone tries to deflect an accusation ( yours) by saying it's you who is at fault in some way, ( overly sensitive etc) that rings alarm bells.

What's important here is not whether this ex buys her dinners at the Ritz of MacDonalds or jewellery from Cartier- but it's how you- as her long term partner- feel about the contact and the gifts and how she reacts to your discomfort.

If she really cared for you then she could quite simply tell this OM that his gifts and extravagant dinners were causing an issue with the man she loves ( or we assume she does.) She could return the gifts as being inappropriate, now she is in a relationship.

Who knows if they are really an item or not. Maybe they are and she is hedging her bets and stringing each of you along.

But her behaviour is - at best- selfish and inconsiderate.

I think you should sit her down - choose your moment- and tell her again how you feel, and don't be deflected by her saying you are over-reacting.

It may be time to call this a day if she really can't see any of it from your point of view.