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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Male seeking advice

108 replies

Edward455 · 31/12/2013 10:56

Hello all. I've no idea if I'm an outlier here, but I am looking for advice from women and I hope someone can help.

I'm currently in a relationship with a woman. We've been together a while, and I love her very much. She tells me she loves me.

She has an ex-boyfriend, much wealthier than I am. She tells me their relationship is platonic. Although they split up at least two years ago, he continues to buy her jewellery for occasions such as her birthday, and I happen to know she prefers the jewellery he buys her to the jewellery I buy her. And she often wears it for long periods, as well as items that he bought he bought her when they were together. In addition he takes her out to high-end restaurants as a matter of routine when they go out.

On one recent occasion when she went out with him, I saw her later that night. I remarked on the freshness of her make-up and perfume (which is unusual for her so late in the day). She joked that she had been 'dolled up' to meet 'someone'. She later told me it was another friend. Having checked her phone I know that she lied about that (but I recognise this may be because she is nervous about telling me when she sees this ex- and genuinely doesn't want me to think there's anything untoward going on; in fact, I happen to know that she regularly lies about when she sees him).

Believe it or not, I have no reason to think that she is sleeping with him.

What if anything should I read into the above?

OP posts:
Original poster
Edward455 · 31/12/2013 14:48

I wonder if I should show her this thread!

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 31/12/2013 14:51

No, people trying to help posters generally hate it when that happens

Don't use this thread as a way to tell your wife something you are not able to...it is weak and won't help at all

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 31/12/2013 14:52

I, for one, always immediately hide a thread when I feel my responses are being used as some sort of fucked up 3rd party intervention

HOMEQCRICH · 31/12/2013 14:58

We'd only be dismissed and it would be used against you.

Original poster
Edward455 · 31/12/2013 15:01

Well, that's unanimous. I shan't embarrass any of us by doing so.

OP posts:
garlicbaubles · 31/12/2013 15:23

You know, nobody needs evidence or 'reasonable cause' to end a relationship. Okay, we can often be doubtful about our own feelings and want some definite reason to end it ... when you think about it, that in itself tells you what you needed to know about your feelings!

Can we help you weigh this up? How does the loveliness of your relationship balance with the dishonesty & mistrust?

matildamatilda · 31/12/2013 15:36

She's still involved with him, and she doesn't care if you know.

You're either okay with that or you aren't. That's up to you.

gettingeasiernow · 31/12/2013 15:59

I'm sorry but I think she is just playing you off against each other, and she will continue to do so until you bow out of the relationship. Maybe she likes the attention, or maybe it's all about keeping control/the upper hand, who knows? She may justify it to herself on the basis of "just being friends", or "just wanting to keep everyone happy", but basically it's all about her and her own shortcomings. Whatever, it's not nice, she's not nice, and it's no basis for a relationship.

I am usually friends with ex's but this would never involve intimate dinners or expensive gifts. You are right to question this.

TheGinLushMinion · 31/12/2013 16:14

Expensive gifts & intimate dinners aren't the stuff of 'friends'-certainly not if they are an ex.

arsenaltilidie · 31/12/2013 16:27

You need to cut your losses with her.
No need to explain, she is taking you for a ride so you need to walk away.

Offred · 31/12/2013 16:33

You don't trust her and she may not be trustworthy. You've sunk to checking her phone behind her back. I'd say the relationship isn't working and you should probably sack it off.

ProphetOfDoom · 31/12/2013 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joysmum · 31/12/2013 17:25

If my husband needed to lie to me to protect me, he'd only need to do so to prevent hurt he'd have caused from doing something he knew full well I wouldn't be ok with.

Which begs the question, if he knew his actions would hurt me, why would he do it? Answer, because his wants are more important than my needs. I'd deserve more and I'd not be able to trust him fully ever again.

sammyad · 31/12/2013 17:35

OP, just to put the jewellery issue into perspective, I also have an ex I'm good friends with, who once gave me a necklace which I liked very much and wore pretty continuously when we were together, and often afterwards. I haven't even contemplated wearing it since I met my current partner, even though he and the ex have met and get on ok, and he knows there are absolutely no residual feelings on either side. It just wouldn't feel right to wear something that another man had given me as a romantic gift.
I also occasionally meet said ex for lunch as we work very near each other and ALWAYS make sure DP knows, precisely to avoid any misconstruing of the situation!

Backonthefence · 31/12/2013 17:41

I'm a bloke if that's any relevant information to you, personally I feel she is taking advantage of you and would be looking to end it as soon as possible.

Daddyofone · 31/12/2013 18:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

msdiamant · 31/12/2013 21:52

I think accepting jewellery is fairly inappropriate from an x partner but so would be other gifts except probably chocolates or similar. It is also strange she hides this from you but when I talk to my Xs I do not discuss it with my DH. I think while jewellery is a strange gift it could be that he gives her her favourite gifts. If he is rich then it does not matter to him. Simon Cowell treats his Xs well: holidays, parties etc. Sending flowers also sounds romantic but it could be that this is how he knows her. Was it send on her birthday?
I think you could or even should talk to her. You could say that you aware of her regular meetings ( i would not tell her about checking her phone) with her x. Also that you find it hurtful and inappropriate to receive gifts from XPs especially jewellery, flowers. Ask her if she would like to separate to be with him. She might be still in love with him. It will hurt you but with time you will find someone who really loves and respects you. Happy New Year!

Original poster
Edward455 · 02/01/2014 21:44

Well, I confronted her. Asked her if she thought jewellery etc was an appropriate gift from an ex-. She strenuously denied it. Told her I knew the truth, and that she was lying, and that I also knew she lied about meeting him. She denied that, too, and got quite upset. Told her I didn't trust her. She made to leave, continuing to deny everything, forcefully. So I dropped my nuclear bomb, and told her how I knew. Tears, apologies, and a continued insistence on leaving since, she now accepted, I couldn't trust her. Told her I wanted to understand, not end things. She said - and time may prove her right - that I would never again trust her, so we might as well end it. Told her I wanted her to be honest and open with me. Was very hurt by her behaviour. Saw jewellery and the dinners as romantic gestures, not ordinary friendship. She insisted he knows about me. Not convinced of this. If he does, his behaviour is out of line. She said she didn't want me to be concerned over nothing. I said if he had another girlfriend, she wouldn't be happy about him treating his ex- in this way. Her response, predictable as the rest, was that in the shoes of such a hypothetical woman she wouldn't mind because she's not a jealous person. She saw nothing wrong with the gifts. She insists she loves me which, given the point in the conversation when she said it (she had no need to, continuing to insist we couldn't survive this), I believe.

That was a day ago. I think she's agreed to be more open and honest. I don't know what will happen about the presents, past and future. I suspect she may still be lying about one of the previous ones.

In the meantime, we are barely talking. She's very, very reticent. Not sure if it's because she now resents me, or feels ashamed, or what. I feel like I'm doing all the work to try and rebuild bridges.

She's really not a horrible person and, as one of you wisely remarked above, you cannot know all the internal dynamics of our relationship. So I've been fortified by the nearly unanimous eyebrow-raising from commenters here, but also cannot just walk away.

I still want us to succeed. It's early days. It's very, very difficult.

OP posts:
Offred · 02/01/2014 21:47

This sounds terrible. Please, I completely agree with her, you should split up. What you've described here is all kinds of wrong.

Buzzardbird · 02/01/2014 21:51

I'm sorry she is continuing to treat you so badly. You need to stop being the one doing the running around trying to make things better...that is for her to do. She should be trying to re-build your trust, not trying to make you feel bad with her PA comments about not being a jealous person.

I think you need to start thinking of yourself and not be giving her free reign to walk all over you.

Chacha23 · 02/01/2014 22:02

You sound like a really good guy, Edward. And I think you deserve better than this. She may say she loves you, but look at her actions - not only did she go behind your back and lie, she's also letting you do all the relationship mending work.

Seems to me that her wounded ego at being caught is more important to her than trying to make things work with you.

msdiamant · 02/01/2014 22:02

One thing is she wants to eat a cake and have it. Another thing is diamonds are her best friends. Is her jewellery expensive? Really strange situation. I think I would spy. I cannot imagine receiving gifts from my x-partners except something like a box of sweets or a book.

Grumpasaurus · 02/01/2014 22:04

Someone may have already said this, but the most worrying thing to me is that you are not entirely sure that her ex knows about you. I have lots of close male friends; some of them are ex's. however I would not feel comfortable accepting jewellery from them, and would only meet them for 1:1 dinners if I also met them for dinners which included my husband...

My thoughts, and I am pretty darn open minded: set boundaries which are clear and communicate to her what is and is not acceptable in your view. If her behaviour changes, great. If it stays the same, get out. Fast.

Original poster
Edward455 · 02/01/2014 22:07

The jewellery isn't hugely expensive, a few hundred per item, I'd say - decent mid-range stuff. And he's a high-roller, quite a bit older than both of us.

I recognise the sense of what everyone here is saying. Please don't think I'm dismissing it by - for the time being, at least - staying.

OP posts:
Santaclaws · 02/01/2014 22:09

Sorry but I don't like the sound of her. She sounds like a user