Don't know what to do

[catgirl1976]

DH and I have been together for 16 years, married for nearly 6 and have a 2 yo DS.

My previous relationship ended badly after I got pregnant and was pressured into an abortion by my ex (to whom I was engaged). I then moved away to go to university and met current DH. I went straight from one relationship to the next and never got any counselling about the abortion or really any closure on things.

About 4 years ago Ex and I got back in touch on Facebook. I asked DH if he was ok with this and he was. Ex and I now get on very well and play Scrabble, chat, e-mail etc. We are good friends and it took a lot to get to this point.

In May DH got very suspicious and demanded all the passwords to my FB account. He then read through all my emails etc to my ex. Most were general chat and fine but there were a few exchanges (very personal) where we had talked through why we had split up and the abortion etc. DH was not happy about these although there was no talk of wanting to get back together, just really us talking it through and both apologising for how badly we treated each other.

What really upset DH was that Ex and I had talked about meeting when I was in London (Ex lives 300 miles away from me and works in London which again is not near us). I am sometimes in Lonon for work and the last time I was there I asked if Ex wanted to meet for lunch - he couldn't as he was busy that day so that was that. However DH went apeshit about this. Smashed up the house (police involved) and banned me from ever speaking to my ex again.

We tried Relate but they wouldn't see us together as they felt some aspects of DH's behaviour were verging on abuse as they were so controlling so that didn't work.

Since then we have been working hard on things and they have been getting better.

However, unbeknown to DH I have maintained contact with my Ex and we did meet up the next time I was in London. Nothing happened - neither of us want anything to happen but it was great to see each other again.

Last night I told DH I had stayed in contact with my Ex and had met up with him as I am sikc of lying to DH and wanted to be honest

This has not gone down well. DH says he can't trust me and is convinced I am having an EA with my Ex.

I just don't know how we move on from here or what to do. I don't want to hurt DH but he is controlling and I don't want to be forced to lose contact with my Ex who is now a very good friend and whose friendship is very important to me.

Why are you so reliant for adult friendship on an ex that forced you to have an abortion? Why are you so determined to stay in a marriage with a DH that is violent and controlling? Do you have no friends? Family? Do you see your ex as an escape route and/or hope to relive your lost youth?

I am very close to my family but a lot of my friends have moved away or I don't see them now since having DS. There is no one close by. My best friend is now living in Ibiza and my "local" best friend and I had a falling out (she just doesn't keep in touch - I don't know why)

I don't see my Ex as an escape route as I do want to be with DH. My ex and I get on really well now and have a good friendship and care about each other. There's nothing sexual or physical going on and we are both in relationships and have no desire to have an affair or get back together but we do value each others friendship and care a lot about each other. Even as I am writing this I know it sounds pathetic.

Whatever the behaviour of your husband, you knew what his boundaries were and deliberately crossed them. That's a trust issue that you'll never entirely heal. If he can't trust you to respect his feelings and needs on that, then what else can't he trust you on?

All you can do is explain as best you can and live within the boundaries he's set and wait till things settle down.

Tbh, if that were my husband and our marriage, although I'd want to try to save the marriage I'd be so hurt and lacking trust that the marriage would never fully heal.

There may be nothing sexual or physical going on but I would say you're having an emotional affair with your ex. It's deeper than a friendship as you are sharing highly personal and sensitive information that, by rights, you should be sharing with your life-partner.... not an old flame. Any DH in those circumstances might be jealous or suspicious but the reaction you describe was appalling in the extreme. I don't know what happened in May specifically to cause things to come to a head ... a build up of resentment?

Very simply, you can't have your cake and eat it. And, in this particular situation, I don't think either cake is worth having in the first place.

The thing is, if his boundaries are to never contact my Ex again, I can't live within those.

Ex's friendship is too important to me and even it I did agree to it, it would be someone or something else next time if that makes sense.

I can't let DH tell me who I can and can't see or speak to because I don't believe it would just stop at my Ex and the next time he didn't like a friendship I had it would be the same again until I am only allowed to speak to a short, pre-approved list of people.

Then you've chosen your ex and you need to start making preparations for ending your marriage. Simple as that. Does the 'pre-approved list of people' extend beyond the old flame already?

Cog, the thing that caused the blow up in May was that we had a huge argument.

I had had a few drinks and all my buit up resentment about other things (him not working, me being exhausted and getting no help) all came pouring out.

DH decided that I must be having an affair, rather than just being really fucked off with him in general, so he went looking for evidence.

He smashed the house up twice. The first time DS was awake and saw everything and he smashed up the dining room chairs, broke loads of glasses and plates in the kitchen and wrenched the stairgate off the wall leaving big gouges.

The second time DS was asleep upstairs and he punched his way through the toughened glass of both French doors, cutting his hands to pieces and needing stitches. That was the time I called the police because I was scared.

He hasn't done it since and he knows how frightened I was and that it would be a deal breaker for me if he did it again. He is also doing a lot more around the house and is getting a job in the New Year so he really is trying to improve things.

BTW... does the ex have a new family? Girlfriend/wife/partner that knows how close you are?

And yes, there are other people on the "list"

He has never liked me going out without him. If I mention someone male from work or whatever he assumes I am sleeping with them

I did have an stupid, fumble with someone before we were married (which he knows about) but other than that I have been totally faithful during our 16 years together

Ex has a girlfriend of 9 years and she has two children (not Ex's biologically but to all intents and purposes)

I know she knows we are in contact - not sure she knows how close. He told her we had met up and apparently she was pretty unhappy about it too.

" he knows how frightened I was "

... and you've been covering up since because you feared a repeat performance. That's how controlling bullies achieve control. You're in a very dangerous situation.

You clearly don't respect your DH or your relationship or you wouldn't have put your "relationship" with your ex first-which is exactly what you have done.
You may well have needed closure because of the abortion but you knew that after that point you were still hurting your DH. Really that's inexcusable and you are now at his mercy. It's up to him to decide if he wants to give your relationship another go. I don't think it's at all unreasonable for him to say that's on the basis that you break all contact with your ex. Will you even do that?

I'm going to suggest that your contact with him stopped being about closure and has become about rubbing your ego instead? You like the idea that he likes you enough to want contact and that therefore removes the idea that there was "something wrong" with you when he forced the abortion.
If you truly wanted closure I really don't see how you are now "friends" (whatever that even is when you just FB and meet knowing you are going behind your DH's back?!) or how that transition occurred.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but if you do want to stay with your husband, I think you need a reality check. As a pp said, you agreed to his boundaries and have broken them, that's a terrible thing to do to him and your relationship simply so you can keep a false friendship going. To say you care about your ex is just a comment on yourself and your self esteem, it doesn't actually represent the situation or the "friendship".

'she was pretty unhappy about it too'

Wake up and smell the coffee OP.

DH has never laid a finger on me. But I have not felt properly safe with him since the time I called the police. I don't think he would ever hit me but I don't know what he would do IYSWIM

It sounds like he is controlling in other ways, is he emotionally abusive? I see he is violent as he smashed the house up. Talk us through it as there appears to be more to this than meets the eye.

I too am friends with my ex-husband. We have 2 DS together and only ever really contact each other about them. So I can understand where you're coming from.

I have spoken to my ex-h about our marriage breakup - mostly because he was so immature and let me down as a husband/dad. He's grown up now and understands what happened to our marriage - it was good to talk about this. We were both to blame and can see that now.

But it's come at a price as my exDP (of 6 years) has always felt threatened by my ex-h. He believes he still has feelings for me (maybe he does, who knows) but I have never encouraged this.

My ex-h is a kind, decent man and enabled my new relationship to flourish and grow at the beginning as he would have our DC for the weekend and swap days around to accommodate us. ExDP never really saw that. He has shown himself to be petty and displays a real nasty side.

I think sometimes you need to make peace with your past in order to move on in your life - which I suspect is what you've done. Your ex has become your friend but because of your DH insecurities you cannot have a relationship with your ex. Sad as it is may be!

I agree with Cogito. How would you feel if this was the other way round and he was keeping in contact with his ex, even though he'd specifically asked you not to?

You have chosen your ex over your husband. You say your ex's friendship is too important, what about your marriage, is that not important?

On one hand it looks like you just want closure with your ex, on the other hand I don't think you want to let go.

Is ex married or in a relationship?

X posts, that took me way too long to type.

He's not emotionally abusive - he doesn't belittle me or insult me but he is very controlling

He will check where I have been, discourages me from going out or having friends, used to use not going to work as a weapon when we were younger and needed money (eg if I upset him he wouldn't go to work, so wouldn't get paid, he reads my emails, has passwords to my accounts etc, pushes me to stay up late until I am exhausted, controls my time etc

That's the behaviour relate had an issue with

Wow.

Why are you with your husband?
Why keep in touch with your ex if he hurt you so badly. It seems like you are holding on to him and not caring about how your husband feels.

You can't seem to be trusted and sneak and lie but thats because your unhappy with your husband , resent him and are emotionally involved with an ex.

I literally have no idea what to do.

It is absolutely not on to have your son witness this level of violence. I am sure social services would take a firm line.

You need to get out of your marriage and raise your son in a calm and safe environment.

I suggest you contact Women's Aid today for advice about how to leave safely.

All the stuff about your ex is a red herring and can wait.

Your DH is abusive and you have no friends so you're looking for comfort in the company of a man you knew when you were a relatively innocent/happy teen. Recapturing lost youth is a normal escapist tactic when under stress. But you can't carry on with both because you're in danger if you stay. Plus your ex is unavailable and you risk causing problems with his relationship.

I think you've needed to end your marriage for a long time. For Relate to get off the fence and call your DH abusive and controlling is a very big danger sign.

I literally have no idea what to do

Leave now before things escalate even further.

The Health Visitor did come round after the police had been as they reported the incident to them

DH knows that if it ever happened again I would leave as I won't expose DS to that.

And to be fair to DH he has been very calm about things this time but is obviously very hurt