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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know what to do

110 replies

catgirl1976 · 31/12/2013 08:09

DH and I have been together for 16 years, married for nearly 6 and have a 2 yo DS.

My previous relationship ended badly after I got pregnant and was pressured into an abortion by my ex (to whom I was engaged). I then moved away to go to university and met current DH. I went straight from one relationship to the next and never got any counselling about the abortion or really any closure on things.

About 4 years ago Ex and I got back in touch on Facebook. I asked DH if he was ok with this and he was. Ex and I now get on very well and play Scrabble, chat, e-mail etc. We are good friends and it took a lot to get to this point.

In May DH got very suspicious and demanded all the passwords to my FB account. He then read through all my emails etc to my ex. Most were general chat and fine but there were a few exchanges (very personal) where we had talked through why we had split up and the abortion etc. DH was not happy about these although there was no talk of wanting to get back together, just really us talking it through and both apologising for how badly we treated each other.

What really upset DH was that Ex and I had talked about meeting when I was in London (Ex lives 300 miles away from me and works in London which again is not near us). I am sometimes in Lonon for work and the last time I was there I asked if Ex wanted to meet for lunch - he couldn't as he was busy that day so that was that. However DH went apeshit about this. Smashed up the house (police involved) and banned me from ever speaking to my ex again.

We tried Relate but they wouldn't see us together as they felt some aspects of DH's behaviour were verging on abuse as they were so controlling so that didn't work.

Since then we have been working hard on things and they have been getting better.

However, unbeknown to DH I have maintained contact with my Ex and we did meet up the next time I was in London. Nothing happened - neither of us want anything to happen but it was great to see each other again.

Last night I told DH I had stayed in contact with my Ex and had met up with him as I am sikc of lying to DH and wanted to be honest

This has not gone down well. DH says he can't trust me and is convinced I am having an EA with my Ex.

I just don't know how we move on from here or what to do. I don't want to hurt DH but he is controlling and I don't want to be forced to lose contact with my Ex who is now a very good friend and whose friendship is very important to me.

OP posts:
NearTheWindmill · 31/12/2013 11:31

Catgirl I'm not expert but I have been married for nearly 25 years my DH can be difficult and is a workaholic. But I have never been afraid of him, I have my own bank account, my own building society account, he does not know exactly how much I earn, I do what I want when I want (within reason) and do not have to lie about it, he has no idea what my passwords are in relation to anything. he doesn't know about Mnet because he would disapprove.

He had a serious girlfriend before we met and I had two serious boyfriends. If he was continually communicating with his ex I would be absolutely livid and so would he vice versa. That would be a deal breaker and the root cause of a humungous row.

There seems to be a huge issue with priorities in your relationship and he sounds an arse. If Relate have issues with his absusiveness then honestly my love you need to get yourself out of there pretty sharpish.

Good luck - you will be fine.

bumbumsmummy · 31/12/2013 11:42

So you don't love your DH enough that's the point isn't it. If you did you wouldn't be putting your marriage in jeopardy by staying in contact with ex

I suggest you let your DH go and find someone that can give him their full attention that seems like the kindest thing to do

Then you are free to reminisce all you want about the ex and this important friendship

dreamingbohemian · 31/12/2013 11:44

Please don't worry that any of us are sick of you posting -- honestly, we're just worried about you and want to see you out of there. It's so much easier to see from the outside that you have to leave, but obviously the internal process is a lot slower.

Please be especially careful tonight, new year's sees a lot of DV.

BeerTricksPotter · 31/12/2013 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thetallesttower · 31/12/2013 11:47

I think the exact opposite bumbumsmummy the Op is trapped in a very destructive relationship with a man she does love but which is filled with DV and sees the ex as a way out/last contact with her old life.

She hasn't been sleeping with the ex, just speaking with him and meeting him once in London. Not an affair, not planning for the future, just contact similar to what I have with my old male friends.

Op, keep safe, I am genuinely worried about your safety given your husband's history, if he wakes up and you have a confrontation that gets violent, what then?

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 31/12/2013 11:50

He is up now. Seems ok, very quiet and not really speaking much but that's understandable.

He's arranged for DM to take DS tonight so we can have some time to ourselves. That is making me a little nervous. He will want to drink as it is NYE but I really don't think that's a good idea. At least if it does kick off DS is out of the house.

He does seem calm though. I am on eggshells.

OP posts:
BeerTricksPotter · 31/12/2013 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3mum · 31/12/2013 12:01

I think you have had some very good advice on this thread from some very sane and sensible posters. One thing I would add is that I do understand how ending things with your H and changing the status quo can seem impossible, especially after such a long relationship. I was married for over twenty years (we met at uni too) and my marriage ended due to his infidelity and EA. I can remember that time when I felt I would have put up with anything just to keep my family together.

Trust me though, the hardest part by far is making the decision to go. Sooner than you ever thought possible you will feel safe and secure with just yourself and your son, you will regard your exH as just someone you used to know (someone with whom you had some good times and some bad times but who now just does not seem that important) and most importantly the doors of freedom are open to you. You can live however you want and see whoever you want. You can decide not to do the household chores if you don't want to and have toast and jam for tea. You can make new friends and have them round to your house whenever you want. You can spend all day in your pyjamas if you want. I can't begin to express how wonderful this feels.

You work very hard and I know it is hard to make decisions when you are overburdened and your brain is racing. Can you try and take some time quietly to think about the possibility of managing the exit from your marriage in a way which is safe for you and your son. The life you are leading at present is no life at all. You are still young and there is so much life still ahead of you. You are in a good position because you are not reliant on him for money. Please organise yourself a visit to a solicitor without your H's knowledge and start working on your way out.

You don't have to stay in a bad relationship. Relationships should enrich your life and make it better or they are not worth having.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 31/12/2013 12:07

3m thank you - that's a really lovely post

OP posts:
Noctilucent · 31/12/2013 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/12/2013 12:13

Another one urging you not to spend the evening alone with him. Resentment, jealousy, aggression and alcohol are not a good mix and, with your DS out of the way, he'll have zero reason for restraint. You need to have an honest conversation about your plans for the future at some point but tonight really isn't it. Stay safe

NearTheWindmill · 31/12/2013 12:14

I can't tell you what to do with the rest of your life Catgirl but from all I've read on here I think you would be well advised to take Cogito's advice for tonight.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 31/12/2013 12:35

I will try and talk him in to letting me go to my mums tonight

I'll let you all know what happens in case anyone is worried. I'm sure it will be ok

OP posts:
NearTheWindmill · 31/12/2013 12:39

catgirl lovely, please, if you have to talk him into LETTING you go to your mum's tonight that is a massive red flag. You pack your bag and you go and you make plans for the rest of your life if he has to be talked into letting you go. He is your partner/husband/lover/friend or should be - not your jailer.

AnUnearthlyChild · 31/12/2013 12:40

Hi cat girl

I remember your threads. I was thinking of you the other day, and hoped everything had calmed down.

Sorry to hear that it hasn't.

I think deep down you do know what to do.

paperlantern · 31/12/2013 13:07

if you need permission for him to let you go somewhere it really is a sign of how badly you need to go. now.

NearTheWindmill · 31/12/2013 14:32

catgirl - hope you are OK.

dreamingbohemian · 31/12/2013 14:49

I think you should take DS to your mum's and then once there call your husband and tell him you've decided to stay there tonight and get your head together (or whatever you want to say).

I think staying alone with him tonight, of all nights, with everything that's going on, is a really terrible and dangerous idea.

I think convincing him to let you go could kick things off. Just go. You're an adult, you don't need his permission.

I'm not saying that lightly btw. I've been in lots of crazy situations and usually think I can brazen my way out of most things, but given the full picture here I would be very nervous in your situation.

flippinada · 31/12/2013 15:14

I remember your other threads too. Sorry to see things are still bad.

I reckon the plan of staying at your mums is a good one. You could "just decide" to stay when you drop DS off - he can't force you to come back.

Joysmum · 31/12/2013 15:34

It shouldn't be a case if him needing to tell you that you can't see your ex, it should be enough for you to know that doing so hurts him and therefore you wouldn't want to.

Whatever the reasons and explainations, you aren't putting your husband and marriage first and don't want to. That should be enough to tell you the state of your marriage. If it were that important to you then you'd put that first.

It won't be easy but of course you can leave, women with less going for them than you do find a way to do just that. So unless you want to live within the boundaries of your marriage then leave.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 31/12/2013 15:48

Catgirl :( I am sad that you are still with him, I was hoping you had left him by now. He is dangerous. The fact that you have to try to talk him into letting you go to your Mum's tonight is telling - the fact that you are scared and want to go is as well. Don't ask - just go there. Tonight of all nights you don't want to be at home with him. Take care x

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 31/12/2013 15:51

Oh and re the ex - you need to stay away from him too. He isn't good for you, never was, never will be. You are clinging to him and making him 'a friend' when in reality, he's just another part of your problem. You can't see it now, but he is.

whatdoesittake48 · 31/12/2013 16:05

I feel that you have hooked up with your ex because compared to your DH he is a better prospect. he makes you feel safe and understood in a relationship where you are neither of those things.

Your husband is not a good man. His outbursts are frightening and should not be tolerated and are very good reasons for leaving. However the more insidious controlling aspects are more worrying. Controlling your time, checking up on you, wanting to know where you are and who you are seeing. it is all wrong and unfair.

You may have done something (not telling him about seeing your ex) which is wrong but he is likely to use this against you for a very long time and use it as an excuse for keeping you under even tighter control. you won't be able to refuse because he will point out what a "bad girl" you have been in the past and how you cannot be trusted now.

Of course, the fact you didn't tell him was his fault (your fear of his reaction) but you will be blamed for the way you acted. You have more controlling behaviour to look forward to i am afraid and you can't say no because you are in the wrong. he must be rubbing his hands with glee and this is why he is so calm right now. he is staying in the right, so you are in the wrong.

NearTheWindmill · 31/12/2013 17:33

He woke up at noon - we last heard from Catgirl at 12.30. Anyone else worried sick for her??

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 31/12/2013 17:45

I'm fine - sorry

I've just been busy with DS

DH seems very calm

DS has gone to DMs but DH was not willing to spend NYE on his own so I couldn't go.

We are going to get a takeaway and try to have a nice evening. I am still very nervous and will be making sure he doesn't drink too much. I'm not nervous for my personal safety and I hate to think of people worrying - I'm nervous because I don't know "when the other foot will fall" as someone said up thread, or what form that will take but I am very sure it would never be him hurting me so please don't worry. I'm sorry for worrying people. :(

OP posts:
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