Don't know what to do

[catgirl1976]

DH and I have been together for 16 years, married for nearly 6 and have a 2 yo DS.

My previous relationship ended badly after I got pregnant and was pressured into an abortion by my ex (to whom I was engaged). I then moved away to go to university and met current DH. I went straight from one relationship to the next and never got any counselling about the abortion or really any closure on things.

About 4 years ago Ex and I got back in touch on Facebook. I asked DH if he was ok with this and he was. Ex and I now get on very well and play Scrabble, chat, e-mail etc. We are good friends and it took a lot to get to this point.

In May DH got very suspicious and demanded all the passwords to my FB account. He then read through all my emails etc to my ex. Most were general chat and fine but there were a few exchanges (very personal) where we had talked through why we had split up and the abortion etc. DH was not happy about these although there was no talk of wanting to get back together, just really us talking it through and both apologising for how badly we treated each other.

What really upset DH was that Ex and I had talked about meeting when I was in London (Ex lives 300 miles away from me and works in London which again is not near us). I am sometimes in Lonon for work and the last time I was there I asked if Ex wanted to meet for lunch - he couldn't as he was busy that day so that was that. However DH went apeshit about this. Smashed up the house (police involved) and banned me from ever speaking to my ex again.

We tried Relate but they wouldn't see us together as they felt some aspects of DH's behaviour were verging on abuse as they were so controlling so that didn't work.

Since then we have been working hard on things and they have been getting better.

However, unbeknown to DH I have maintained contact with my Ex and we did meet up the next time I was in London. Nothing happened - neither of us want anything to happen but it was great to see each other again.

Last night I told DH I had stayed in contact with my Ex and had met up with him as I am sikc of lying to DH and wanted to be honest

This has not gone down well. DH says he can't trust me and is convinced I am having an EA with my Ex.

I just don't know how we move on from here or what to do. I don't want to hurt DH but he is controlling and I don't want to be forced to lose contact with my Ex who is now a very good friend and whose friendship is very important to me.

Logistically and emotionally it just seems too hard

I can't understand why you want to know either of them to be honest! They both sound like utter arseholes. Sorry that's harsh but I am really failing to see good points about either of them! You deserve so much better than this. I could never be with someone who smashed my house up! Your ds must have been terrified.

Then he is abusive & manipulative. I'm sorry to say that but you need to face up to that my love. Making sure you're exhausted? Restricting your social life? Spies on you? This is abuse.

The ex is a red herring for sure. Christ - you are that in need of a friend that you seek it in a man who previously shat on you from a great height. I wouldn't give him the time of day let alone be his mate! You are clearly in a vulnerable place.

Please keep posting.

I would say it is not unreasonable for your partner to say they don't want you to be friends with an ex who made you have an abortion and the fact you even want to be is bizarre.

Having said that h is behaviour on the whole is abusive and makes this stuff about your ex totally irrelevant.

The behaviour you describe, the keeping you awake and controlling you, it IS emotional abuse. And you know he can be violent too. You need get out.

But meanwhile don't antagonise this man by talking about a friendship you know makes him angry. Stay safe!

I worry DH would kill himself if I ever left him

He has suffered with depression all his life and I think this would be a real possibility which I couldnt live with. I love him,.

The fact you are strong enough to stand your ground to him is brilliant! It shows there's plenty of fight in you yet, which you will need to get out of an abusive relationship.

But you're picking the wrong battle in making it about your ex.

So do u want him to leave you? Is that why you are putting yourself in predicaments that you know will upset him and cause drama.

Btw you are definitely being emotionally abused

the situation with your ex is a complete red herring.

your dh is dangerous. you really must get out. he has crossed that line now twice and you stayed. It will be far more easy for him to cross that line again.

If he ever does that to me again is meaningless. he's done it to you twice and leaving only gets harder

Does he use that as a threat if you were to ever leave him?

also you have exposed your ds to that.... twice

I know she knows we are in contact - not sure she knows how close. He told her we had met up and apparently she was pretty unhappy about it too.

The thing is, if his boundaries are to never contact my Ex again, I can't live within those.

You are playing with fire and you know it. he doesnt trust you - and with reason perhaps?

I did have an stupid, fumble with someone before we were married

However, all that aside - you are living with a bloke who smashes your house up? Get out now because this is NOT normal behaviour and it's not behaviour your child should be exposed to.

I worry DH would kill himself if I ever left him

Blackmail.

Does he use that as a threat if you were to ever leave him?

Not explicitly but implicitly he does, yes

It seems to me that your only option is to leave if you are not prepared to drop contact with the ex. Because your DH is certainly not going to change his mind about that. If you can't live with it, you have to leave.

That coupled with the violence seems to me to make this clear cut. I can understand that actually leaving is really really tough. But actually, you have answered in your own posts what needs to happen.

Leaving the ex thing aside, you absolutely can't stay in a marriage with this abusive, controlling man. He is dangerous.

Catgirl, I remerber some of your other threads, you work extremely hard and do everything whilst your husband puts your son in childcare 2 days a week and does nothing (that is you isn't it?)

I also remember you posting about planning to meet your ex and you where told it was a bad idea.

Are you not at the point now where this is all too much? You say he'd kill himself if you left, that's emotional blackmail. Is this really the life you want?

Why on earth would you even want to know this ex?

That is me public

He does do more now though

It's not the life I want. I want the life we (DH and I) had I just have no idea how we get back there

I agree that you need to get away from this man, for the sake of your son if not for yourself.

Contact Womens Aid and get info from the CAB.

My Ex was controlling just like that and I wish I had had MN years ago to help me see it for what it was.

What life did you have exactly? You say that you got with him on the rebound from the disaster that was the relationship with the ex. You met at uni (if I read the timeline right) which makes you typically 18 - 22. Quite often it's difficult to spot abusive people in the early carefree days and it's only looking back that you might realise things weren't right. Nice people don't suddenly go threatening suicide, smashing up houses or stopping you from having friends overnight.

We met at Uni. I was 21. Bit older as I had been at uni somewhere else but left and moved away when I split with my ex

The years at uni were one big party (although a few violent rows and I can see where the control started)

Then after that we were just happy. Not much money but loads of friends, good social lives, holidays lots of fun

Now it's just hard work (apart from DS who is amazing). DH has no job, no friends, no outside interests. He adores DS but he's got nothing else and he's got no spark or interest in life.

There's definitely certain behaviour that anyone would instantly class as EA but that bit of info has been somewhat drip fed-after everyone highlighted you were in the wrong.
I'm not for one minute saying that you aren't being abused but it does seem to be the stock response on mn.

Are you certain that his behaviour of checking emails etc isn't simply in response to the fact that you very clearly cannot be trusted?! Women on here do it on every second post and I've never heard anyone telling them they are emotionally abusing their husband as a result.
Your husband has been suspecting you of cheating and checking up, keeping tabs on you and I think emotionally you have been cheating.

I'm certainly not saying this is healthy and that you are fully to blame, but I don't think that the info from a few posts here can conclude emotional abuse? Only you know if the hysteria is warranted.

I think there has been EA - more control really but that it hasn't been deliberate as such, just bourne out of deep insecurity, which I haven't helped with my behaviour. Relate felt there was but I think they over reacted a little and it would have been more helpful if they had seen us together

I am going to try and find a private relationship counsellor to see if they can help

I also remember your threads, Catgirl, and think you should leave him. If not for you, for DS and his future family. How are you going to feel in 20 years time, when your daughter in law is scared shitless because your son is copying what he's seen his dad do? Smashing up the house, controlling her, threatening to kill himself?

By staying with him, you are giving your son a very real chance that he will turn into an abuser too.

He will check where I have been, discourages me from going out or having friends, used to use not going to work as a weapon when we were younger and needed money (eg if I upset him he wouldn't go to work, so wouldn't get paid, he reads my emails, has passwords to my accounts etc, pushes me to stay up late until I am exhausted, controls my time etc

How is that not emotional abuse?