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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't know what to do

110 replies

catgirl1976 · 31/12/2013 08:09

DH and I have been together for 16 years, married for nearly 6 and have a 2 yo DS.

My previous relationship ended badly after I got pregnant and was pressured into an abortion by my ex (to whom I was engaged). I then moved away to go to university and met current DH. I went straight from one relationship to the next and never got any counselling about the abortion or really any closure on things.

About 4 years ago Ex and I got back in touch on Facebook. I asked DH if he was ok with this and he was. Ex and I now get on very well and play Scrabble, chat, e-mail etc. We are good friends and it took a lot to get to this point.

In May DH got very suspicious and demanded all the passwords to my FB account. He then read through all my emails etc to my ex. Most were general chat and fine but there were a few exchanges (very personal) where we had talked through why we had split up and the abortion etc. DH was not happy about these although there was no talk of wanting to get back together, just really us talking it through and both apologising for how badly we treated each other.

What really upset DH was that Ex and I had talked about meeting when I was in London (Ex lives 300 miles away from me and works in London which again is not near us). I am sometimes in Lonon for work and the last time I was there I asked if Ex wanted to meet for lunch - he couldn't as he was busy that day so that was that. However DH went apeshit about this. Smashed up the house (police involved) and banned me from ever speaking to my ex again.

We tried Relate but they wouldn't see us together as they felt some aspects of DH's behaviour were verging on abuse as they were so controlling so that didn't work.

Since then we have been working hard on things and they have been getting better.

However, unbeknown to DH I have maintained contact with my Ex and we did meet up the next time I was in London. Nothing happened - neither of us want anything to happen but it was great to see each other again.

Last night I told DH I had stayed in contact with my Ex and had met up with him as I am sikc of lying to DH and wanted to be honest

This has not gone down well. DH says he can't trust me and is convinced I am having an EA with my Ex.

I just don't know how we move on from here or what to do. I don't want to hurt DH but he is controlling and I don't want to be forced to lose contact with my Ex who is now a very good friend and whose friendship is very important to me.

OP posts:

EirikurNoromaour · 31/12/2013 10:12

Relationship counsellors won't touch you two with a barge pole. Unless they are completely crap and unethical.

EllieInTheRoom · 31/12/2013 10:15

I think there has been EA - more control really but that it hasn't been deliberate as such, just bourne out of deep insecurity, which I haven't helped with my behaviour. Relate felt there was but I think they over reacted a little and it would have been more helpful if they had seen us together

My experience of counsellors is they are more likely to sit on the fence until they have seen both sides. To put a stop to counselling, they must have seen clear evidence he is abusive

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/12/2013 10:18

@CarryonDancing... the OP's friendship has not helped this DH feel more secure, you're right. However, this is a 16 year relationship characterised by 'violent rows' in the early days, 'using work as a weapon', isolation tactics and other emotionally manipulative and pretty unstable behaviour - way before this ex reappeared 4 years ago. The OP wasn't secretive or deceptive - the usual reasons for partners wanting full access to passwords and so on.

OP does your DH use recreational drugs?

Original poster

catgirl1976 · 31/12/2013 10:19

He doesn't now Cog (although we both did pre DS at uni)

He does drink far too much though

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/12/2013 10:25

Alcohol is a recreational drug and also a depressant. Someone who is emotionally unstable, abusive, suspicious and has a tendency to aggression really doesn't need alcohol in the mix at the same time. Just exaggerates all their worst characteristics. Not trying to rationalise his behaviour, just giving you the heads up why it's unlikely to get better.

Thetallesttower · 31/12/2013 10:26

Catgirl1976 I was thinking the other day about your old threads, as you are a very articulate poster who is very helpful on other people's threads and wondering if things had calmed down. I'm sad to see this thread but perhaps not surprised. Your relationship is as it was- abusive and life is lived constantly on the edge.

This is simply not about your ex, you are in contact with him as the last vestige of your old life before the door slams shut on you. I really hope you contact Women's Aid and think about how to end this awful situation you are in, and find some peace and a way to live for you and your son.

Shitballs · 31/12/2013 10:27

Op haven't you posted before about your DH?

Is he the one that does help out at home even though your son is in childcare and he doesn't work?

I remember a thread with you doing pretty much everything with a full on job.

Shitballs · 31/12/2013 10:28

X post

He soj DS like an arse. You could do far better. The DV incident would be the final straw for me.

EllieInTheRoom · 31/12/2013 10:30

So what's the situation now OP?

Your DH wants you to give up this friendship.

His emotional abuse is going to continue whatever you do but probably escalate if you don't do as he says.

You dont won't to give the ex up.

The relationship seems completely untenable and will just get worse

Original poster

catgirl1976 · 31/12/2013 10:34

DH is still asleep

I guess when he gets up I will know what he wants to do. I just want to go to bed and pull the covers over my head and stay there.

I appreciate that won't help. I just don't know what will. I don't want us to split up but I can't see a way forward and logistically it would be pretty much impossible.

OP posts:

myroomisatip · 31/12/2013 10:34

This:

*I also remember your threads, Catgirl, and think you should leave him. If not for you, for DS and his future family. How are you going to feel in 20 years time, when your daughter in law is scared shitless because your son is copying what he's seen his dad do? Smashing up the house, controlling her, threatening to kill himself?

By staying with him, you are giving your son a very real chance that he will turn into an abuser too.*

A very real possibility :(

EllieInTheRoom · 31/12/2013 10:37

Have you looked into the practical side if it? It might not be as impossible as you think.

I know that wont help the fact you love him, but it might make you feel better if you realise you can do this

50shadesofmeh · 31/12/2013 10:37

You are in the wrong basically having an emotional affair with your ex, if you and your husband have issues then leave him ,don't use his behaviour as an excuse to justify your EA with another man.
Forgive me if I'm wrong but your posts tend to make you out as the victim of other peoples bad behaviour but yet you continue these relationships.

Original poster

catgirl1976 · 31/12/2013 10:39

I will look into the practical side if that is what DH wants to do.

I'm not trying to justify my behaviour 50shades. I'm trying to work out where to go from here because I can't see a way out of things.

OP posts:

Thetallesttower · 31/12/2013 10:43

Perhaps this could be the 'out' that you need?

Shitballs · 31/12/2013 10:45

What do you want to do?

I think you should put you and your DS first and think about the future you want. Staying with his man won't led to a happy family life.

I can understand you building a relationship outside your marriage as it sound miserable. Not condoning it but it speaks volumes.

50shadesofmeh · 31/12/2013 10:45

Fair enough just pointing out that just because your marriage is on shaky ground doesn't mean you can continue the relationship with your ex.
I remember your previous posts and if I'm correct you work full time and son is in nursery while your husband does nothing at home. What is it that makes your husband so unleaveable? Sounds like you do pretty much everything yourself and he isn't there for you emotionally either.

Both men sound horrible to be honest from your descriptions.

Original poster

catgirl1976 · 31/12/2013 10:49

I do accept I am in the wrong with my ex 50. I know it isn't right or healthy or possibly even real - more just a mechanism for coping with the issues I have got instead of actually addressing them like an adult.

OP posts:

Shitballs · 31/12/2013 10:59

Could you start to address them? May be think about some relationship counselling for you.

50shadesofmeh · 31/12/2013 11:00

Yes you seem to be grasping onto this man as an escape .would you have a relationship with him if you left your husband ? Or is he just confusing the issue?

I'd distance yourself from your ex and try give yourself emotional space to think clearly about what you want.

dreamingbohemian · 31/12/2013 11:04

Oh catgirl PLEASE FUCKING LEAVE THIS COCKLODGER ALREADY. I''m sorry to shout but we've been telling you for two years that he is no good and you deserve better -- it's heartbreaking to read this latest. You are a strong, intelligent, accomplished woman and he is ruining your life. And now your son's.

If you really don't know what to do, please please please consider this to-do list:

Do NOT go to relationship counselling. See a counselor on your own to help you disentangle yourself from this marriage.
Make a list of all the practical and logistical aspects of splitting up -- you will quickly see they are not as bad as you think, once written down. You earn all the money and do almost everything around the house so how much would change really?
Call Women's Aid and get their advice on how to safely leave a controlling, violent man. Tell them about the implicit suicide threats. I'm sure they will tell you that it is extremely rare for an abuser to actually commit suicide. They are more likely to turn that violence against you.
If possible, take your son and go stay with your mother for a bit. You need time and space to think.
Talk to the ex if you want to. I agree this whole issue is a red herring. There are some problematic elements to it but frankly those can be dealt with after you figure out what to do about your marriage.

I think deep down you DO know what you have to do. You cannot stay with this man. I'm sorry to be blunt but you will have utterly failed your son if you continue to stay with a violent, controlling, lazy twat. I know you want things to just be good again but you can't turn back time -- sometimes things go bad and cannot be fixed.

Mothers have to make immense sacrifices sometimes. For whatever unfathomable reason, you still love this man, but I'm afraid you will have to let that go for the sake of your son. We are here to support you that do that, there are other people out there to help you. You can have a whole new life, you just need to be brave for a little bit and take that first step.

I'm really sorry to be so harsh but I am so worried for you and your son. Please talk to some people in real life and get some support for what you need to do.

EllieInTheRoom · 31/12/2013 11:12

Please be careful catgirl, I am concerned he will wake up, tell you to stop speaking to your ex, you will be stubborn and things will get nasty.

Don't let it get that far, think of yours and your son's safety. Just go

Original poster

catgirl1976 · 31/12/2013 11:14

Thank you all for your support and help

I know some of you must be sick to the back teeth of me posting and not doing anything but it does help and the advice and support is helping me. It's just very slow as a process I think

Thank you

OP posts:

BeerTricksPotter · 31/12/2013 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

50shadesofmeh · 31/12/2013 11:25

He must be terrified of losing you since you do absolutely everything and has ramped up his abusive treatment of you to erode your self esteem and chip away at your confidence.

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