Don't know what to do

[catgirl1976]

DH and I have been together for 16 years, married for nearly 6 and have a 2 yo DS.

My previous relationship ended badly after I got pregnant and was pressured into an abortion by my ex (to whom I was engaged). I then moved away to go to university and met current DH. I went straight from one relationship to the next and never got any counselling about the abortion or really any closure on things.

About 4 years ago Ex and I got back in touch on Facebook. I asked DH if he was ok with this and he was. Ex and I now get on very well and play Scrabble, chat, e-mail etc. We are good friends and it took a lot to get to this point.

In May DH got very suspicious and demanded all the passwords to my FB account. He then read through all my emails etc to my ex. Most were general chat and fine but there were a few exchanges (very personal) where we had talked through why we had split up and the abortion etc. DH was not happy about these although there was no talk of wanting to get back together, just really us talking it through and both apologising for how badly we treated each other.

What really upset DH was that Ex and I had talked about meeting when I was in London (Ex lives 300 miles away from me and works in London which again is not near us). I am sometimes in Lonon for work and the last time I was there I asked if Ex wanted to meet for lunch - he couldn't as he was busy that day so that was that. However DH went apeshit about this. Smashed up the house (police involved) and banned me from ever speaking to my ex again.

We tried Relate but they wouldn't see us together as they felt some aspects of DH's behaviour were verging on abuse as they were so controlling so that didn't work.

Since then we have been working hard on things and they have been getting better.

However, unbeknown to DH I have maintained contact with my Ex and we did meet up the next time I was in London. Nothing happened - neither of us want anything to happen but it was great to see each other again.

Last night I told DH I had stayed in contact with my Ex and had met up with him as I am sikc of lying to DH and wanted to be honest

This has not gone down well. DH says he can't trust me and is convinced I am having an EA with my Ex.

I just don't know how we move on from here or what to do. I don't want to hurt DH but he is controlling and I don't want to be forced to lose contact with my Ex who is now a very good friend and whose friendship is very important to me.

Please don't be sorry; be glad there are a lot of people who care and you deserve to have them closer. I hope all was well after your jhealth scare (sure it was you). We pm'd but I had a different name.

It seems you are used to being in relationships with emotionally controlling people.

Your ex partner coerced you into having an abortion and now your relationship is very close. I understand you can move on from things like this but generally these kind of things are very hard to deal with when you are friends with someone.

Your DH is emotionally abusive. Not all emotionally abusive people are emotionally abusive in the same way. For example my ex told me who I could see, he told me people were trying it on with me all of the time and he also told me that he didn't trust me with guys. I think that's emotionally abusive as it's controlling my behaviour in case he got nasty.

I think you need to take some time out from both these people and take a look at yourself and deal with your own emotions about both of these men.

I also think for your sons sake you should consider if these relationships are healthy. Do you want your son to grow up thinking this kind of behaviour is normal ?

I don't Gimme. And DS is the thing that gives me most cause to stop and think. I don't think I ever did before. I never challenged anything but I am starting to now. I agree my relationship with my ex, whatever it is, is not healthy and I should knock it on the head. It just feels hard to do. It sounds so pathetic but tbh I think I am very lonely.

Thank you so much

I will try and update later just so no one is worried

Happy New Year to all of you - I hope you all have a really good one x

Just to let everyone know last night passed uneventfully. DH did not bring up the issues and we had a nice calm night

Thank you for all your support and good advice

I'm so glad you're safe.

What are you going to do now? Carry on until the next episode or make plans?

Catgirl I don't normally post in relationships as it's a bit out of my depth and don't feel I have anything constructive to say. I've just caught up with the thread and I'm glad you're safe and last night was uneventful.

What's your plan of action? As Ellie has just said are you going to be proactive or just wait for the next episode? Read your OP again, and then read all the brilliant responses you've been given with regards to how you can make leaving a reality.

Good luck

I will

I'm going to look at my options so at least I have a plan if things go wrong again