The relationship with my mum is hanging by a thread. Can anyone please help?

[FamilyIssues234]

Im not going to use the MN abbreviations as Im halfish tempted to show this to my mum, if I think it will help rather than hinder the situation.

Bit of background is needed to make the current situation clear.

My mum and I have always been very close, she was always more of a best friend and I absolutely adored her as a kid but particularly in mu teens and 20's. Theres nothing I couldnt discuss with her, spoke with her regular and generally had an excellent relationship and all round good laugh. My folks split when I was 16.

My mum met her husband I guess, about 8 years ago now, they moved in and married in the last 2-3 years.

2 Christmases ago I was 20 weeks pregnant with my second son. I split with his dad (father of my first son) the day I found out. This was not my choice.
I also moved out of a not-so-great area to a much nicer one, and my mum was amazing and lent me 2.6k to move. She told me on no uncertain terms not to tell her husband as he is very controlling with money.

I had my 20 week scan a couple of days before Christmas. On the way back my ex flipped out, screamed and shouted at me about nothing and everything, threatened to hit me, at which point I was sobbing and bolted out the car towards moving traffic liked a prized dick but I was pregnant, threatened and upset.

I called my mum and she told me to gather everything together and get the train up to hers (is 2-3 hours away by train) so I did.

Her husband picked me up from the station and was quite off with me. When we got in, he was going on and on about how broke my mum was which I found odd. Kept bringing it up over and over again, then mentioned how her credit card was maxed out and the penny dropped. She had told him. I felt sick, he was making me feel like a proper bastard for borrowing the money. Again and a-fucking-gain. I need to press at this point, that in no way did her lending me money affect his finances. It was very much money I borrowed from my mum, not from him or even them. Something I was, and still am very very grateful for.

I stayed a few days and after Christmas passed I was about to go and get the train home with my 3 year old and I started bleeding. I asked my mum to take me to the hospital and she was mental. Screaming and shouting, so once again I was crying and had a crying 3 year old hanging off me.

In hind sight I think the above might have something to do with the husband/money fiasco because she is usually a lovely, caring person.

So then I was dropped like a hot potato, no calls or texts, and calls I gave were cut short 'got to go!' Or just ignored completely (never answered her phone to me on a weekend).

Then I realised in over 2 years, she had only called me two times and I wondered what Id done. The relationship was fucked as far as I was concerned so I sent her an email wondering what went wrong, accepting the relationship was screwed but I needed closure.

She sent and email back asking what I wanted, I just said I wanted to talk.

So we did. On a weekly basis, a set day she calls me and its been great! I feel like Im beginning to know my mum again after she became a complete stranger for a few years.

However, it has been made clear by her husband that Im no longer allowed to stay over at their house when we travel up there for Christmas etc.

I asked her why this Christmas after it became uncomfortably obvious that there was an issue between her husband and myself. She said when I sent the email, she showed him and was pissed off because it showed I didnt respect him.

I just read the email back tonight because I cant sleep as I cant get thus issue out my head, and the only mention of him is "After you married [husband] our chats understandable dwindled...." Then no mention or reference to or about him for the rest of the email. It was clear in context that a meant, new relationships take up your time.

Why is has taken such offence to that is beyond me.

My issue now is, I no longer feel welcome at all in their home. I dont want to go there and theres bi-yearly gatherings that take place there. And her husband clearly has beef with me.

I dont particularly like someone who makes me feel repetitively shit for borrowing money (which I paid a large amount off straight away, and this time last year owed £100), tells my mum that all her children rely on her too much, takes offence to something that is totally inoffensive and basically says Im banned from staying at their house, and presumably doesnt particularly like me being there at all, because according to him 'I dint respect him' because of what I wrote of him in the email.

Sorry this is long, and seemingly petty perhaps but its putting a strain on mine and my mums relationship and from this point onwards I fully, and totally blame her husband for it.

I didnt before, but I very much do now and I can only see things getting worse.

Bi-yearly? Not what I meant!

Twice a year, family gatherings.

Family issues - it must have been very tough for you with your mum being unsupportive at a difficult time. He sounds controlling and not nice and your mum is putting up with it. Until she decides not too or gets help then I don't think you can do anything. You need supportive people around you and wether it is because of him or not you aren't getting that from her. Was she supportive before meeting him?

I can't get over her screaming at you when you were bleeding and pregnant. What DM does this? That is the point at which she showed where her loyalties lie. You were at your lowest then and needed help and support and she didn't come through.

The phone calls now sound ok but like she isn't making much of an effort. The money thing is more complex and make me wonder if there is another side to this- is there any way in which your DM's DH is justified in thinking that you aren't behaving well? Should you be taking more responsibility for your actions? Are you borrowing money she really can't afford to be lending? Is he just protecting his DW from her children bleeding her dry?

It does sound an upsetting situation, I hope you have got some support in RL from your DF/friends/other relations/exPIL.

"Was she supportive before meeting him"

Yes, very! She was amazing. And for the first few years having met him too.

It was after they got closer moved in and married, and the money was borrowed that it became an issue.

I think the phone calls at the time were effort. She had a lot on her plate, her mum was dying her dad was heavily relying on her and now her daughter had recognised she was being cut off, and presumably she had a husband bending her ear. Well, I know he was.

He is ver controlling with money, even hers. Or rather, he tries to be. My mum is fiercly independent money wise. She used to be life-wise too but not now, that however may come with marriage. Having never been married and in one relatively ill relationship myself this is definitely not something I am qualified to comment on!

What do I do? Smile and nod at her and act like nothings wrong? Plaster on a smile at her family events and pretend like we arent unwelcome by him?

I dont see how saying anything will help.

He is a very, very argumentative person and never wrong. He wont back down and I wont bother trying to battle him, it would be useless.

I think she has stopped trying to battle him too.

It sounds like she is in an abusive relationship to me.

Abusive? In what way?

He's isolating her from all the support/family she knows.

Controlling her money? Unacceptable.

She is going to lose you for the sake of having him in her life.

Is that what she wants?

Yes I very much fear that will happen.

He doesnt control her money, she doesnt let him. He would like to though.

I think you need to look into the traits of abusers. You are only seeing one side of it. Have you had a face to face chat with her recently about stuff?

Your mum had prioritised her new husband over you: your health, well being and emotional needs.

Frankly only a really crap parent does that.

We only ever hear one side.

It's not going to be one issue, it is going to be a culmination of things.

How you are reading the email and how it is being read at the other end, two different things entirely. They might both be reading it that you are more or less accusing your mother of not having the tine for you now she's all loved up/he's isolating her from her family.

how is the relationship with your mum and your other siblings?

Is it not normal to cut the apron strings a bit once someone has re-married?

After all, Im a grown woman?

I didnt want to be cut off in quite the fashion that I had expected. But she was starting to call me again. Weekly.

I often wonder what his opinion is of her calling me weekly.

I cant possibly see why he thinks I disrespect him because of the email. I can only assume that he is pissed off with me trying to be part of my mums life again.

No I havent spoken to her about this face to face. To be honest Im scared too. I believe I will recieve a 'like it or lump it' approach and he will 'win' sl to speak and I will have no Mum to talk to at all.

I feel I have two options - Discuss it with her, knowing she will side with him and potentially be cut off, especially if there is a fall out - which Id dread.

Or grin and bear this man.

As far as I know her relationship with my brothers is fine. Although he thinks my little brother relies on her too much as well.

He is a man very quick to point out peoples faults and he will tell you in great detail what has gone wrong and how to fix it. About your personal life.

Its hard to stomach.

"Tell you in great detail what has gone wrong"

I need to reword that.

"Tell you in great detail where you have gone wrong in your life and how you need to fix it."

One of either two things:

Your DM was always like this and you didn't notice because you idolised her etc.

She's changed.

I don't think it's the first one either.

Being controlling with money is abusive. And she's not that independent with money if he's bullying you about the money she freely gave you. Also - you had just escaped a DV situation and instead of being supportive you were harangued. This isn't right. He's dictating how your relationship plays out and is emotionally blackmailing her. Why does she show him your private emails? Does she have to ?

It's painful to see our DMs as ordinary fallible human beings but that's what she is. She seems to be in a very isolated place.

If you push the point about him though you may find she ceases all contact.

She definitely, absolutely, in no way was like this before. She has changed a lot. Our relationship has changed significantly since they married. Since he became a permanent fixture.

Ive said this too her and she fiercely denies it. Says that any issues we have are between us and are not influenced at all by him.

I cant figure out if she genuinely cant see it, or she is defending him because - I dont know why. Hes her husband.

"If you push the point about him you may find she ceases all contact."

Yes this concerns me greatly.

So I shouldnt show her this thread?

Should I say nothing at all?
Im not very good at keeping things in. Or rather, Im excellent at it for a certain amount of time and when it spills its like a destructive volcano which destroys its surroundings.

To work out whether she is or isn't: invite her down to yours to see the grandkids for a long weekend when she has the time, so that the grandkids can see their grandmother. If she comes, no fuss or bother, relaxed and smiling then you will know she is fine. If there is a fuss and bother from him, he feels slighted, or he insists on coming too or that she isn't allowed to come then you will know.

Oh she would never come.

Before him, she would and did.

Since him, it wouldnt even be worth asking.

What does your brother think of all this?

Exactly - so ask, politely and even get the kids on the phone to ask next time you speak.

Although I shouldnt assume.

But my automatic response would be not to ask in the first place.

Why not - she IS your mum and they are her grandkids. Say they miss her and would like a few days getting to know her again.

She may not be entirely aware. There's something called Stockholm Syndrome in relationships.

Ok I will ask her.

I briefly mentioned to my brother this week, that I wasnt getting on with e husband and he seemed surprised.

I stopped at that point because I didnt want to bitch and gossip, potentially making life harder in the future if it came out. Had he agreed that he wasnt getting on with him Id have discussed it further, but otherwise there was no point.