The relationship with my mum is hanging by a thread. Can anyone please help?

[FamilyIssues234]

Im not going to use the MN abbreviations as Im halfish tempted to show this to my mum, if I think it will help rather than hinder the situation.

Bit of background is needed to make the current situation clear.

My mum and I have always been very close, she was always more of a best friend and I absolutely adored her as a kid but particularly in mu teens and 20's. Theres nothing I couldnt discuss with her, spoke with her regular and generally had an excellent relationship and all round good laugh. My folks split when I was 16.

My mum met her husband I guess, about 8 years ago now, they moved in and married in the last 2-3 years.

2 Christmases ago I was 20 weeks pregnant with my second son. I split with his dad (father of my first son) the day I found out. This was not my choice.
I also moved out of a not-so-great area to a much nicer one, and my mum was amazing and lent me 2.6k to move. She told me on no uncertain terms not to tell her husband as he is very controlling with money.

I had my 20 week scan a couple of days before Christmas. On the way back my ex flipped out, screamed and shouted at me about nothing and everything, threatened to hit me, at which point I was sobbing and bolted out the car towards moving traffic liked a prized dick but I was pregnant, threatened and upset.

I called my mum and she told me to gather everything together and get the train up to hers (is 2-3 hours away by train) so I did.

Her husband picked me up from the station and was quite off with me. When we got in, he was going on and on about how broke my mum was which I found odd. Kept bringing it up over and over again, then mentioned how her credit card was maxed out and the penny dropped. She had told him. I felt sick, he was making me feel like a proper bastard for borrowing the money. Again and a-fucking-gain. I need to press at this point, that in no way did her lending me money affect his finances. It was very much money I borrowed from my mum, not from him or even them. Something I was, and still am very very grateful for.

I stayed a few days and after Christmas passed I was about to go and get the train home with my 3 year old and I started bleeding. I asked my mum to take me to the hospital and she was mental. Screaming and shouting, so once again I was crying and had a crying 3 year old hanging off me.

In hind sight I think the above might have something to do with the husband/money fiasco because she is usually a lovely, caring person.

So then I was dropped like a hot potato, no calls or texts, and calls I gave were cut short 'got to go!' Or just ignored completely (never answered her phone to me on a weekend).

Then I realised in over 2 years, she had only called me two times and I wondered what Id done. The relationship was fucked as far as I was concerned so I sent her an email wondering what went wrong, accepting the relationship was screwed but I needed closure.

She sent and email back asking what I wanted, I just said I wanted to talk.

So we did. On a weekly basis, a set day she calls me and its been great! I feel like Im beginning to know my mum again after she became a complete stranger for a few years.

However, it has been made clear by her husband that Im no longer allowed to stay over at their house when we travel up there for Christmas etc.

I asked her why this Christmas after it became uncomfortably obvious that there was an issue between her husband and myself. She said when I sent the email, she showed him and was pissed off because it showed I didnt respect him.

I just read the email back tonight because I cant sleep as I cant get thus issue out my head, and the only mention of him is "After you married [husband] our chats understandable dwindled...." Then no mention or reference to or about him for the rest of the email. It was clear in context that a meant, new relationships take up your time.

Why is has taken such offence to that is beyond me.

My issue now is, I no longer feel welcome at all in their home. I dont want to go there and theres bi-yearly gatherings that take place there. And her husband clearly has beef with me.

I dont particularly like someone who makes me feel repetitively shit for borrowing money (which I paid a large amount off straight away, and this time last year owed £100), tells my mum that all her children rely on her too much, takes offence to something that is totally inoffensive and basically says Im banned from staying at their house, and presumably doesnt particularly like me being there at all, because according to him 'I dint respect him' because of what I wrote of him in the email.

Sorry this is long, and seemingly petty perhaps but its putting a strain on mine and my mums relationship and from this point onwards I fully, and totally blame her husband for it.

I didnt before, but I very much do now and I can only see things getting worse.

Your mum may not welcome your intervention. She may feel too proud to admit she is in an abusive relationship. Confronting her may make her withdraw. Come alongside and open a conversation showing support but not confrontation. Sometimes with someone you have been very close to words are not needed.

I have good relationship with one daughter and she knows me well enough to almost read my mind. She however keeps her own counsel until I'm ready to talk and vice versa.

Think of her as a teenager. Last person teenagers sometimes open up to is their mother because they are scared of rejection, condemnation and a lack of understanding.

I suspect your mother feels guilt about her withdrawal from you (especially the screaming time). Giving forgiveness is easier sometimes than forgiving yourself.

I wouldnt stage it as an intervention (this is a new word I keep hearing, mostly in US teen shows! Is it a new 'thing'?)

But I will discuss it with her, just like we have discussed him in the past and my ex and our issues in the past too. I wont do it any differently than that, except my minds view will be really quite different that it was before I started this thread.

I knew he was a controlling bastard and suspected it was, at the very least, an EA relationship. But I needed to hear it from others. And you have also made me realise that I need to turn my anger and disappointment off from her and keep her close rather than push her away. Which is what I would have done, albeit unintentionally.

rather than turn them off, keep them for when you aren't with her.

You're having to change how you see her. She is no longer the amazing supportive brick she used to be, but a flawed woman who is making some mistakes that are having horrible consequences. It's natural to be disappointed and a bit angry.

Just handle it in the privacy of your own home or here or with a good rl friend. I don't think it will hurt later on ( if you can build a strong and husband-proof relationship with her) to mention it in passing, but now isn't the time, agreed.

Can you write to your mum at her works address.He can't read it there .Can you phone or even email her at work.Check even send het one of those cheap pay and go £10 phones from Tesco so she can talk to you .

Definitely.

Thank you for all your insight, it has been priceless and hopefully ended up salvaging the relationship between myself and my mum.

Hopefully.

wakeme yes I will do just that if needed. Write to her work address.

When your mum makes her weekly phone call to you, does she seem guarded in what she says?

Consider the possibilty that he may be listening in on the upstairs phone and you may have to watch what you say to her.

I hope you manage to sort this out, I too have issues with my mum for very different reasons but I know how much it hurts when it all goes wrong.

Ive been thinking about this, and Im not entirely sure. The thing is, my life has gone horrendously tits up in the last few years and the phone calls have been mainly based on me. I always ask her how she is and try and get her to talk as I am acutely aware of her not giving much away (when she usually would) so perhaps he is ears. Yes.

It seems really obvious now. A lot of things see, obvious now.

You could be really sneaky and start being as nice as pie about him; lull him into a false sense of security until he lowers his guard enough to let you whisk her away.

Yeah he wouldnt have that even when we were getting along.

Just read your updates. I honestly think you could have been me or my db's writing this. My mum's partner was violent on occasion too, he was always in the house...
It's positive she tells you these things, about the violence etc. Means she might confide in you further or come to you when she needs support.

My mum read a book on emotional abuse which really helped her to find the strength to leave (she's only been gone two months now). Wish I could remember what it was called...

Would you be able to adk her muddylake? Id love to know.

The classic is Lundy Bancroft "why does he do that" which you can get on amazon.

Thank you. I will look now.

Sadly, she couldn't remember off hand but will have a look when she gets home! X

Thats ok, thanks anyway, a book has been suggested so I might try that. Although I dont want to push it too soon.

She usually calls Thursdays so she might call tomorrow. If she doesnt I'll call her friday and ask if she wants to come down for a weekend. I will suggest Feburary.

Im very interested to see what answer she has. Pre-husband she would have done it.

Well. I never use the word 'epic' but that was a super epic fuck up.

So my mum called tonight. First thing she says is 'so has DS2 gone into his own room yet?' DS2 has special needs in the health area which (and Im about to massively out myself here) mean he is in and out of hospital, cant yet go into childcare, and wakes 5-20 times every night. - this is also specific to how the conversation ended with my mum which will come at the end of this post.

I explained that it wouldnt work just yet, and the reasons why. It was, as usual, met with 'mmmm....' I feel as though she disbelieves me. But I ignore those feelings and carry on.

She then asks if she can have DS1 to hers to stay the night (first time ever) soon. In the past Ive been more than happy for her to suggest this (and never follow through) but now I was a bit . She wants my son in her home to stay over, a place which his own mother isnt welcome?

I didnt say this, but I did say I was happy for him to stay over once our communication was a bit better. (Because right now, its not great).

We get onto the issue between her husband and myself. I asked her to come and stay for the weekend, she said yes, which was a good start!

But the husband conversation starts rolling and she tells me that its my fault. Hes done nothing wrong. Its clear Ive had an issue with him for years,

I was wtf?! Is she making things up? Or is he? The only true issue I have had with him was this Christmas when he said I wasnt welcome at their house.

We talked more, she denied, projected, denied, projected.

Several times she asked 'what exactly is it that he has done'? i gave her one example of bullying me when I was pregnant and do you know what she said?

"Why didnt you stick up for yourself."

Is she fucking kidding me?

That conversation went round in circles, her asking what he has done wrong, me giving her another example, her asking why I didnt stick up for myself.

At one point i gave her several good examples which she couldnt find an excuse for, so she bought up my Dads wife and tried putting some light in her instead, (she has nothing to do with this issue particular at all).

Then suddenly she blew up at me, she said shouted at me "Do you want to know what this all boils down to? This boils down to me not wanting to lend you money anymore (Ive not borrowed any since the house move over 3 years ago) and you need to just get out and work."

I tried, in vain, to explain to her why I couldnt just go out to work. I didnt ask for my child to have the life threatening issues that he does for fucks sake. Im applying to do a degree next year, in which you work straight away. Im trying to fix my sons health enough to get him into childcare to no avail so far.

She said Im aiming too damn high, I need to get off my arse and work.

I asked her if she thought I was just 'benefits scum' then (my son gets higher rate DLA and I get careers allowance, its not like Im bullshitting the severity of his health) and her reply

"Basically, yes. You need to get off your arse and work."

So I hung up on her. Ive deleted her off fb. ive deleted her messages and phone number from my phone. Ive sent her an email to tell her never to contact me again.

So he has changed her, she is bullied, brain washed and controlled. She has chosen to listen to him, to believe him, she has chosen him over me.

She is a stranger.

And now Ive lost my mum.

Sorry I know the last post is drawn out and boring but Im desperate for guidance/advice/flaming/anything.

Ive got no one else to talk to.

Oh OP I'm so sorry. That's just awful. I'm NC with my mother and I recognise some of the traits of the conversation you had from the last ever attempts I made to reconcile with her: that determination to put the blame on you no matter what.

It's a headfuck and a heartbreak in one and I'm sending you a giant un-MNetty hug (if you want it) cause I know how shit it feels.

But she really didn't leave you with any other option. She has destroyed the relationship, not you. You had to say no at this point and well done to you for doing so. Shit, as if things weren't hard enough for you anyway with your DS's health issues and all that they entail.

Again, I'm just really sorry.

oh flaming I am so sorry. She sounds nothing like the mother she was.

Not sure what can help now, you must be so shaken and desperately upset. [Hug] and and [tissues].

Is it possible to speak to your brothers about this? But not at this moment, when you can be a bit calmer.

I thought I was going to be told I fucked it up or should have handled it differently.

Talking to her now is like talking to ply board. She just sits there stiff, not giving anything away. And on the phone never talks about anything about her. We used to talk about 'men' her husband my ex all the time, she hasnt done that in years, she wouldnt dare mention it now I dont think.

My parents divorced when I was 16. Leading up to that my dad repetitively told me that if they split up it would be my fault. Just as they were dividing my mum told me if was because of me. Despite the fact that it later transpired she had been having a 5 year affair.

She has form for blaming her marriage troubles on me.

I never forgave her the first time I just chose to bury it.

I will never forgive her for this.

it sounds like there has always been more wrong than you have hinted at before,. Maybe the good far outweighed the bad. But it's just not normal or right for parents to blame the children for a divorce. Has there been other stuff covered up or buried?