The relationship with my mum is hanging by a thread. Can anyone please help?

[FamilyIssues234]

Im not going to use the MN abbreviations as Im halfish tempted to show this to my mum, if I think it will help rather than hinder the situation.

Bit of background is needed to make the current situation clear.

My mum and I have always been very close, she was always more of a best friend and I absolutely adored her as a kid but particularly in mu teens and 20's. Theres nothing I couldnt discuss with her, spoke with her regular and generally had an excellent relationship and all round good laugh. My folks split when I was 16.

My mum met her husband I guess, about 8 years ago now, they moved in and married in the last 2-3 years.

2 Christmases ago I was 20 weeks pregnant with my second son. I split with his dad (father of my first son) the day I found out. This was not my choice.
I also moved out of a not-so-great area to a much nicer one, and my mum was amazing and lent me 2.6k to move. She told me on no uncertain terms not to tell her husband as he is very controlling with money.

I had my 20 week scan a couple of days before Christmas. On the way back my ex flipped out, screamed and shouted at me about nothing and everything, threatened to hit me, at which point I was sobbing and bolted out the car towards moving traffic liked a prized dick but I was pregnant, threatened and upset.

I called my mum and she told me to gather everything together and get the train up to hers (is 2-3 hours away by train) so I did.

Her husband picked me up from the station and was quite off with me. When we got in, he was going on and on about how broke my mum was which I found odd. Kept bringing it up over and over again, then mentioned how her credit card was maxed out and the penny dropped. She had told him. I felt sick, he was making me feel like a proper bastard for borrowing the money. Again and a-fucking-gain. I need to press at this point, that in no way did her lending me money affect his finances. It was very much money I borrowed from my mum, not from him or even them. Something I was, and still am very very grateful for.

I stayed a few days and after Christmas passed I was about to go and get the train home with my 3 year old and I started bleeding. I asked my mum to take me to the hospital and she was mental. Screaming and shouting, so once again I was crying and had a crying 3 year old hanging off me.

In hind sight I think the above might have something to do with the husband/money fiasco because she is usually a lovely, caring person.

So then I was dropped like a hot potato, no calls or texts, and calls I gave were cut short 'got to go!' Or just ignored completely (never answered her phone to me on a weekend).

Then I realised in over 2 years, she had only called me two times and I wondered what Id done. The relationship was fucked as far as I was concerned so I sent her an email wondering what went wrong, accepting the relationship was screwed but I needed closure.

She sent and email back asking what I wanted, I just said I wanted to talk.

So we did. On a weekly basis, a set day she calls me and its been great! I feel like Im beginning to know my mum again after she became a complete stranger for a few years.

However, it has been made clear by her husband that Im no longer allowed to stay over at their house when we travel up there for Christmas etc.

I asked her why this Christmas after it became uncomfortably obvious that there was an issue between her husband and myself. She said when I sent the email, she showed him and was pissed off because it showed I didnt respect him.

I just read the email back tonight because I cant sleep as I cant get thus issue out my head, and the only mention of him is "After you married [husband] our chats understandable dwindled...." Then no mention or reference to or about him for the rest of the email. It was clear in context that a meant, new relationships take up your time.

Why is has taken such offence to that is beyond me.

My issue now is, I no longer feel welcome at all in their home. I dont want to go there and theres bi-yearly gatherings that take place there. And her husband clearly has beef with me.

I dont particularly like someone who makes me feel repetitively shit for borrowing money (which I paid a large amount off straight away, and this time last year owed £100), tells my mum that all her children rely on her too much, takes offence to something that is totally inoffensive and basically says Im banned from staying at their house, and presumably doesnt particularly like me being there at all, because according to him 'I dint respect him' because of what I wrote of him in the email.

Sorry this is long, and seemingly petty perhaps but its putting a strain on mine and my mums relationship and from this point onwards I fully, and totally blame her husband for it.

I didnt before, but I very much do now and I can only see things getting worse.

I cant turn up at her work, she runs an office on her own. She can nip out for 5 minutes for a role but not for a pub lunch.

And the nature of the office job would mean there was no way I could just turn up and chat. Or turn up with kids.

I like the idea but because of the nature and sensitivity of her job it simply isnt an option.

I think if going to her work isn't an option could you try and turn up and take her out for lunch one day?

Could you phone her at work maybe?

She puts him above you.
She screamed and shouted at you when you were bleeding. Let's just say that again shall we? She screamed and shouted at you when you were bleeding. That is really pretty low isn't it?!
She may well have been lovely and supportive before her bloke came along - and by the way, that's how mothers SHOULD be - but clearly since he's been in the picture she's a bit rubbish.

I hope you do show her this thread. This is for her:

Madam, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Could you print out some info about emotional abuse and send it to her at work?
It may take her some time to process but if I were you I think I'd be trying to do all I could to support her in realising the nature of her relationship and hoping she will eventually leave.
I think this has to not be about you now, but about her. Sounds like she's trapped in an abusive relationship and can't really be a mother to you until she escapes. Maybe you could seek other sources for your own emotional support for the time being?

I think that is sage advice mystuff.

When did she tell you that he had hit her? On the phone, at a family gathering? I think this might have been a small yelp for help.

I was at her house (before they owned the same property). It wasnt the same weekend, it was later on. Months later as far as I remember.

He had driven off in a rage, I asked what was wrong.

Maybe for now see yourself as parent and her child, give her unconditional love and support , may make it easier for her to leave. If her recent lack of support for you is out of character, as it sounds, then I'd try to let it go and focus on trying to help get her out of there.
Horrible situation for you:-( hope you are ok

Totally.

Thank you.

Do these threads disappear like in chat? Or can I come back, because there will inevitably be updates and I will need more guidance.

These stay here I believe.

That was a massive red flag back then. Bugger.

No, these threads don't disappear. They are hère as long as you need them to be. They fill up at 1000 posts.

What was a red flag? Him hitting her?

I told her she should leave him. She had a job and her own home.

I asked her if she could be happy if she knew she left him and was potentially single forever. She defiantly said yes, she would have no problem with that! She loves her own company and not having to answer to anyone else.

I asked if she thinks she could be happy with him if she stayed married to him for the rest of her years. She said she didnt know.

I said, doesnt that speak volumes?

She looked genuinely surprised and said yes. Then they bought a house and got married anyway.

There wasnt much else I could do, what else could I do?

I cant remember in which order the hitting, the money borrowing and the marriage came in. Because it all happened in the same year.

See if you can get her to read the Lundy Bancroft book. Also be prepared for her to rationalise your concerns away. Took my family member 13 years and more than one attempt to finally shake off an emotional abuser.

Don't blame yourself... He is the only one to blame, for being abusive....

Unfortunately, I'm not sure you expressing concern for her will be the shove she needs to get out of this relationship, and it may well be interpreted by him/her as you trying to break them up (which you are, rightly so). He sounds horrible and controlling and whoever said you have to think of your mum almost as a child in this situation, not behaving the best she can be, is spot on. I have been in a similar situation and it was car crash stuff which alienated so many family members, and my normally sensible mother just didn't seem to want to leave/see that this person was altering all their relationships, or rather thought the payoff of a love relationship even with a man who was horrid to her children was worth it.

She is human and is making a lot of mistakes, I can understand why you are annoyed, but I am not sure pressing it now will have the desired effect. I would continue your contact with your mum by any means possible, and also continue to visit at the family gatherings. Don't let him drive you away, and in the future, your mum might need you.

I agree.

Its about not letting him drive us away and being there for her.

Thank you for this perspective, I really needed to have that and all the other pointe, pointed out.

sauceforthegander's put her finger on the situation.

Your mum is being isolated, bullied and controlled. When she harangued you, it was very bad behaviour at a time when you absolutely needed support but most likely she was suffering from serious problems at home and figthing to retain her emotional and intellectual independence and failing. She didnt handle it well, but it could well have been from stress.

Sadly, and I hate to say this, I'm not very sure there's much you can do :/ Sometimes people are changed by their husbands / wives. Until she can see what's happened, things will continue this way or even get worse. You're fighting a battle not to improve things, but to keep the status quo at one call a week. Im glad you got that much anyway.

I hope very much I'm wrong, she sounds a basically very lovely person. Perhaps someone else can give more hopeful advice. All you can do is keep trying. Do ask her to come down, yes.

I think you hit the nail on the head, Meerka.

Growing up I had two very very strong independant women in my life, my best friend and my mum. Both of them, and almost the same time, entered into relationships with controlling abusive bastards. And they changed from the strong independant women to quite, unsure, talked over women.

Thankfully, my best friend got out and she is starting to shine again.

I hope to God my Mum does the same.

I hope she does too.

Have you got a good relationship with your brother? Is he discreet? If so, then it might help to talk this over openly and honestly with him; both your own situation with her, with him, and also your concerns for her. You won't be able to do much in a practical sense, but if ever a time comes when there is a crack between her and her husband, then you two will be in a better position to work as a team to support her. Also, he sounds very divisive. It's a good idea to keep Team Sibling strong so he can't create trouble there.

I adore my brothers. Although I wont discuss this with them unless I have too. Im not sure it would hell for various reasons.

But if I need support or back up of any kind, I will go to them.

This doesn't mean you can't be cross at your mum for making a really crap life choice and disappointed that this has affected you the way it has. I also hope she sees the light sooner rather than later but she may not, just keep strong in yourself and a little compassionate for her, and don't let him get rid of you with all his talk of over-dependent adults and hostile behaviour to you.