Ex may have been snooping round my house for a decade. What to do now?

[anotherrandomusername]

Long post, sorry.

Somewhere between five and ten years ago (I'm terrible with dates) I gave my ex a key to the back door of my house in case of emergencies.

Shortly after he called round, and because he wasn't expected; I was in the bathroom and my son was playing upstairs, the door wasn't answered immediately so he just let himself in through the back - not an emergency situation. I was annoyed and asked for the key back. He giggled and handed it over.

The laughing was a red flag, and I should have said something, but ever since he'd learnt about my mother's serious mental illness (schizophrenia) he would use it against me. I knew he would have told me I was paranoid, and turning into my mother. It was a big fear for me, and he played on it to control me. I believe they call it gaslighting? Anyway, it crossed my mind he may have had a copy made, but at that time I had got used to being told I was paranoid and crazy that I couldn't say anything.

I remember being vigilant for a while, but nothing happened and I decided I must have been over-reacting. I would sometimes feel like someone had been in the house after coming back from a weekend away, but of course that was me being silly and paranoid so I just brushed it off.

A few months ago I was sitting at the table overlooking our front window. I saw my ex open the gate, then walk straight down the side of the house towards the back garden. At the back were signs of life, the kitchen window was open, there was food cooking, etc. He came back round to the front door and knocked, and just said 'Oh hi, I thought you said you were out today?' We had a short conversation about our son and he left. I was thinking about it for ages and it took the best part of a day to go from general WTF thoughts to realizing that he was possibly going to let himself into the house and may have had a key all that time (I have at least aspects of an autistic spectrum disorder if not actual high functioning autism, and sometimes it takes me a while to work out my reaction to something out of the ordinary.)

I didn't know what to do. I started leaving a key turned in the back door when I went out, and again, started convincing myself I must be in the wrong. Because of my family history I can never talk to anyone about this kind of thing, for fear they will just think I'm going insane. I'm already a near 100% introvert (I've done the tests!) and a depressive which doesn't seem to compute with my family. I don't want to hand them more gossip on a platter.

Early on Boxing Day morning I heard a crash downstairs. Because I live alone with a vulnerable son, I had got in the habit of leaning something heavyish against the living room/kitchen door when I went to bed, the idea being that if it fell, someone had broken in and I could shut myself in my sons room and call the police. It used to be an ironing board, for the last year it's been a large rectangular piece of thick glass, which used to be the top of a coffee table. It used to give me peace of mind when I was nervous living alone, now it's just habit. I had gone to bed the night before, settled our foster cat in his bed in the kitchen, shut the door and propped the glass there, and went to bed.

When I heard the noise I sat up in bed too scared to move, and listened out for any sounds that meant I should call the police. Because I was sleepy I wondered if maybe the cat knocked something over, etc. After 10-15 minutes I went downstairs. Our foster cat was in the living room, the door was slightly ajar, and the glass was not only flat on the carpet, but partly pushed under the rug. I was trying to work it out for ages. The glass couldn't have slipped and got wedged under the rug, it would just have fallen straight onto the rug. The cat is nowhere near strong enough to have opened the door, even if he could have jumped up and turned the doorknob. My son was upstairs and on the rare occasion he does come downstairs he just moves the glasstop out of the way, he doesn't put it back at the door. It could only have fallen when someone opened the door from the other side, and then presumably was moved about as the person tried to pick it back up, or move it out of the way.

I've thought about it since it happened, and it must have been my ex letting himself into the house. I'm really upset about this, I haven't been able to sleep tonight. Our last foster cat didn't like to sleep in the kitchen so for 7-8 months that glass wasn't there. Could he have been creeping round the house then too? And WHY? The house is usually upside down. It's been getting better because I am treating myself for a thyroid condition and actually have energy for the first time in years, but I wouldn't know if he's stolen things, at times my house has been a candidate for 'Hoarders'. Things go missing in the clutter - or do they? (See - me sounding paranoid!) I'm convinced I'm right about this though. 2 + 2 + 2 must equal 6, right? I badly want to talk to someone in my real life but I don't know if they would take me seriously.

And I'm so pissed off because he has always been free to come into my house and see his son whenever he liked, and drop off his princely £10 a week maintenance. I feel violated, for want of a better word.

What do I do?

On a practical level, I've ordered a new cylinder lock for the back door - I wish I'd gone out and bought one, but I'm nervous to leave the house now. I'll feel much happier once that's fitted. I should have done it years ago, I didn't know they were so cheap and easy to fit.

What do I say to my ex? He will either try and convince me I've gone crazy (at least he can't threaten to take my son away now he's 17), or he will laugh it off as if it's no big deal.

I want to say that if I see him at my door again I will report him to the police - but what do I do about my son? He has autism and he's very anxious in general, also depressive. If I tell him this stuff about his Dad he will be so upset. But if I don't give him a reason for stopping his Dad coming to the house he will think I'm being cruel to his Dad, which his Dad will encourage.

Is this actually a big deal, or am I being over sensitive? Is there a chance I could have it all wrong?

I am expecting a bright and breezy phonecall from him any day now (he's always extra cheerful when he thinks I may be pissed off, like a pre-emptive strike), he'll be asking to come over and see our son's Christmas presents. And that's what our son will want too. I just feel sick over this.

I'm going to try and get a few hours sleep, then I'll come back to reply - or bump the thread if no-one knows what to make of it!

I just read my post back. Sorry for the appalling grammar, I hope it mostly makes sense. I'm just knackered...

PS - I checked with my son and he was adamant that he didn't come downstairs that night. Also the glass could not have slipped, and slid under the rug because I was woken up by a crash, it must have hit the wooden unit on its way down, but like I said, was wedged under the rug when i found it.

And now I'm definitely going to try and sleep!

Change all the locks right away. Even the front door, just to be sure.

Best of luck OP, you're not being paranoid, your ex is doing this.

How odd and disturbing for you both.
I'm not sure how helpful I can be. I don't think you should be worrying about this in the wider scheme of mental health or your health in general, you have not done anything that should lead you to question this.
Why would he come over without letting you know in advance or being invited? You are questioning your own sanity here when his behaviour is odd, not yours.
Getting your locks changed is sensible and you don't need to explain it to anyone. If you did feel you needed to then maybe you could explain about Boxing Day and how you felt it was sensible for you and your son to be sure to be safe and secure. He may realise you are on to him from that.
Can your son visit his Dad at his place more?
HOpe you get some sleep

Thank you Rozencrantz I will get a lock for the front door too.

I agree completely with Rozencrantz, change both front and back locks. I don't think you're being paranoid at all, I'd have come to the same conclusions as you have.

Change the locks and enjoy the peace. :-)

He's actually very nosey in general insomniarules. When we were a couple he would annoy me by staring everytime we passed the house of someone he knew, craning his neck until he couldn't see them anymore. I think he might come in just for the power trip. When he comes to see our son, he goes straight upstairs to his room, I don't give him the run of the house - though it seems I may as well have.

Right now, I'm really feeling like I never want to set eyes on him again. This is such a violation of trust. Is it even illegal?

Bloody hell. Stop doubting yourself and act.

Get the new lock fitted - just call a locksmith and do it. They can advise on the most secure kind.

Call the police, report the break in on Boxing Day and tell them about your exes behaviour. At least it will be logged.

The thing I find really odd about your post is the way you just accept that people will attribute your behaviour to paranoia, despite you having no diagnosis, that you mention, of a psychotic illness.

Their behaviour is strange and horrible. You almost seem to be accepting and going along with it, why?

It reads as if you also assume you have schizophrenia and that it is shameful and a reasonable cause for bullying. Do you have a diagnosis or not? The rest is not true. It's an illness. People who care about you would be supportive.

Do you know that people with schizophrenia usually start to develop symptoms in their early 20s? You sound quite a bit older than that. If you've never had an episode or a diagnosis, why would you think you had the illness?

As it happens, completely by chance, as this wasn't in your thread title, my mother had a psychotic illness that may have been schizophrenia. So did her mother. Their siblings didn't. I don't.

I would never consider myself to be anything other than sane and rational and would regard anyone who sought to use my family history against me as cruel and stupid. I'd recognise immediately how unpleasant they were being and how ill informed and would treat them as the vile, hostile bully they were. I'd have no qualms about telling others about their horrible behaviour, which would reflect very badly on them only.

Stop putting up with being bullied. Think about people's motivation for treating you this way. Talk to your GP or a counsellor about it.

Btw, there's no way your son would lend your ex a key is there? Can you make sure he doesn't?

You could consider getting an alarm too. They're not much use at attracting attention, unless you get the kind that links to the police. They do startle intruders and alert you though. Maybe more hassle than it's worth and not compatible with cats though.

I'm nearly 40 lottie. The closes I've come to a mental illness is hypnogogic symptoms at night a few years ago (being half awake, half asleep, and hearing things), but I was physically ill then. Since I've addressed my health issues I've had no problems.

The schizophrenia is not just limited to my Mum, my Grandfather had it too, severe in both cases. Because I'm quiet and introverted, I think my family see me as the next obvious one to become ill, if someone is going to. It's good to hear that you didn't inherit a mental illness, up until recently I thought it was almost inevitable. I'm not sure how my family see me to be fair, so I could be projecting to a certain extent. Once at my Dad's house I dropped something on the floor in the toilet and swore. Instantly the conversation next door stopped. (Mum used to talk to herself a lot). Plus once I was trying to tell my brothers about David Icke and his conspiracy theories, you know, giant lizard people, I thought it was funny. But I could see them glancing at each other like 'Here we go again'. The trap is, if I talk about these worries I look paranoid! It's a bit of a vicious circle. Of course it won't make me crazy by talking about it, but it could make family relationships more strained.

My son only has a front door key. I will make sure I tell him that he can't give his key to anyone. But he never takes it when he's out with his Dad, he only takes it when he's at his work placement in the week. I'll make sure to tell him though.

I seriously have to try and get a few hours sleep now, or I'll be shattered tomorrow. Goodnight (I hope I'm not back on this thread again in five minutes!)

It doesn't sound good, does it? You need to change the locks immediately. Can you ask any neighbours if they have seen your ex coming and going at odd hours when you are not at home?

To be honest, if you've allowed him to come in and out and visit your son without prior permission then it's going to be a bit tough to get an allegation of him trespassing/snooping to stick. I've no doubt he's over-stepped some boundaries but the fact he has been given a key to visit his son makes it all a bit woolly and difficult.

Is there a risk that your son will be easily persuaded to give him a new key? You can get fingerprint/iris recognition locks, but they are expensive.

Putting large objects in front of doors is a very good idea, so long as you are able to move them in the event of a fire.

In addition to changing the locks I would consider sensor motion lights (you can get battery/solar ones now a days). If theres a gate to the back of the property I'd pop a lock on it too. I would also tell someone (if not police then a close friend/family member) & start a log of suspicious activity/incidences & possible ask neighbours if they've seen anyone snooping you don't have to mention ex but all of this will help if you need it in the future.

Possibly baby steps in managing ex into aporopriate behaviour? Not turning up unannounced, not going round back, without knowing enough background info is it possible to start contact visits on neutral ground or his house?

Goodluck OP you have the power to change this you just need to be confident & start laying down some ground rules. I'm assuming you don't have a partner to step in & tell him what's acceptable?

you could also consider a covert camera if you think he may still be doing this, and if you confront him he will gaslight you.

But even if you can prove he's doing it, I don't know where you stand legally if you have given him a key and allowed him to visit your son without your prior agreement.

Being worried about something is not the same as being paranoid. Other people don't think like that, because they don't share your family history, so aren't interpreting everything in that light. It's ok to worry about worrying things.

You really should talk to a doctor about your concerns about becoming mentally ill. I'm no expert but I do think you'd know about it by now if you were going to.

There's nothing inevitable about it. I think the statistical chances for a first degree relative are about one in four or less. You could easily find that out and, more usefully, talk to a doctor about your individual concerns.

I find your assumptions about developing schizophrenia quite odd, because it's so easy to find out about. Haven't you looked up chances of heritability and symptoms? If it was inevitably passed on, all your siblings, your mother's and grandfather's siblings would have it too.

It almost sounds as though you've been conditioned to think it's inevitable. Not helpful. Once you've talked through your individual situation you should talk to your family about this, or suggest they seek counselling. Or, depending how you feel about their behaviour, just point out that you're not the one with the problem.

Ok, today get in your car and go to B and Q, or similar.

Buy these bolt lock They do much cheaper ones by the way but this is best image I could find!

If you don´t have a handy dad, brother, uncle, friend etc. go and knock a neighbours door. Explain that you live alone and are very worried that someone is comming into your house. Ask if they could fit these for you - I promise and DH agrees most men would gladly do so.

Then when you go to bed or your are in the house. Leave the key in the locks (should do anyway incase you have to get out of the house in an emergency) and push the bolt across even if someone has a key they won´t be able to get it.

Good luck

To be honest even the sanest most well balanced person would become paranoid if they thought too hard about this. It would freak anyone out - you don't need to be hard on yourself because of it.

He wasn't given a key to visit. (I don't think I'll be sleeping tonight!) He calls and says he's coming over, then I let him in when he knocks.

I gave him a key in case we were ever shut out, or for an emergency situation, and because he used it to let himself in, I took it off him. But that was years ago.

I can't ask the neighbours if they've seen him. When I caught him walking down the side of the house months ago, he didn't look shifty, he looked like it was normal. I suspect they may have seen him dozens of times. I live on the edge of a council estate and there is so much gossip. And my neighbours are some of the worst culprits. I'll look like an idiot if people think my ex has popping in and out of the house for years without my knowledge. But the more I think about it, the more I think it would have been really easy for him. There's a calendar next to the door with our appointments, and he always asks what we're up to in the week.

I'm not sure I even want to know why, and how often it happened. I feel like answering the phone when he calls and telling him that the locks were changed and he will never be invited into my house again. But in doing that, I'm going to hurt my son. Mind you, DS only sees his DF once every 3/4 weeks, but DS has a very high opinion of his Dad, almost entirely thanks to me putting a positive spin on everything he does. How do I explain that his Dad can't come round anymore because he's a weird creep who likes sneaking round the house while we're asleep or out?

I would have definitely freaked out if a wedge I installed had fallen and landed 'under' the carpet. Isn't it possible to have it logged with the police or report a burglary attempt?

Your ex sounds obnoxious and not reasonable at all. You sound very reasonable on the other hand. Thyroid problem is a b and creates a fog in itself but trust yourself and your sense of boundaries.

x posted.

I don't think I want to go that far nuzzlepad, I know I was questioning whether he'd broken the law, but I don't think DS would forgive me if I reported him to the police.

I think I might ask if my Dad or one of my brothers is free tomorrow and can help me with bolts and locks. I just have to think about how I can have the conversation without DS hearing anything.

I may just tell my ex that he can pick DS up and take him out from now on, with no explanation. Then I'll just have to put up with the fact that he'll slag me off to DS.

lottie that's a really interesting post, and I'll come back to read it when I'm not focused on this other thing. I did look into counselling once, and was referred, but I came face to face with a psychiatric nurse who I know had run-ins with my mother (Oxfordshire mental healthcare seems to be a small world.) Mum can be a difficult patient, and rude to staff. The nurse made me tell her everything, asked some horrible invasive questions, then cheerfully told me she couldn't help me. I was crying when she showed me out, I walked home in tears. It was a horrible experience, and I'd never go back.

Thankfully since I started looking into thyroid treatments and underlying causes, I have slowly started feeling brighter, and I am at the point now where I feel reasonably confident I won't end up in the room next to Mum. But historically I haven't coped with stress well, and there are some life changes coming up, so I won't carve it in stone just yet!

Did you post a while ago about thinking your ex might have a key? The story of him coming down the side if the house then returning to the front when he realised you were home is familiar. If so, why didn't you put a bolt on the back door, or change the locks then?