Ex may have been snooping round my house for a decade. What to do now?

[anotherrandomusername]

Long post, sorry.

Somewhere between five and ten years ago (I'm terrible with dates) I gave my ex a key to the back door of my house in case of emergencies.

Shortly after he called round, and because he wasn't expected; I was in the bathroom and my son was playing upstairs, the door wasn't answered immediately so he just let himself in through the back - not an emergency situation. I was annoyed and asked for the key back. He giggled and handed it over.

The laughing was a red flag, and I should have said something, but ever since he'd learnt about my mother's serious mental illness (schizophrenia) he would use it against me. I knew he would have told me I was paranoid, and turning into my mother. It was a big fear for me, and he played on it to control me. I believe they call it gaslighting? Anyway, it crossed my mind he may have had a copy made, but at that time I had got used to being told I was paranoid and crazy that I couldn't say anything.

I remember being vigilant for a while, but nothing happened and I decided I must have been over-reacting. I would sometimes feel like someone had been in the house after coming back from a weekend away, but of course that was me being silly and paranoid so I just brushed it off.

A few months ago I was sitting at the table overlooking our front window. I saw my ex open the gate, then walk straight down the side of the house towards the back garden. At the back were signs of life, the kitchen window was open, there was food cooking, etc. He came back round to the front door and knocked, and just said 'Oh hi, I thought you said you were out today?' We had a short conversation about our son and he left. I was thinking about it for ages and it took the best part of a day to go from general WTF thoughts to realizing that he was possibly going to let himself into the house and may have had a key all that time (I have at least aspects of an autistic spectrum disorder if not actual high functioning autism, and sometimes it takes me a while to work out my reaction to something out of the ordinary.)

I didn't know what to do. I started leaving a key turned in the back door when I went out, and again, started convincing myself I must be in the wrong. Because of my family history I can never talk to anyone about this kind of thing, for fear they will just think I'm going insane. I'm already a near 100% introvert (I've done the tests!) and a depressive which doesn't seem to compute with my family. I don't want to hand them more gossip on a platter.

Early on Boxing Day morning I heard a crash downstairs. Because I live alone with a vulnerable son, I had got in the habit of leaning something heavyish against the living room/kitchen door when I went to bed, the idea being that if it fell, someone had broken in and I could shut myself in my sons room and call the police. It used to be an ironing board, for the last year it's been a large rectangular piece of thick glass, which used to be the top of a coffee table. It used to give me peace of mind when I was nervous living alone, now it's just habit. I had gone to bed the night before, settled our foster cat in his bed in the kitchen, shut the door and propped the glass there, and went to bed.

When I heard the noise I sat up in bed too scared to move, and listened out for any sounds that meant I should call the police. Because I was sleepy I wondered if maybe the cat knocked something over, etc. After 10-15 minutes I went downstairs. Our foster cat was in the living room, the door was slightly ajar, and the glass was not only flat on the carpet, but partly pushed under the rug. I was trying to work it out for ages. The glass couldn't have slipped and got wedged under the rug, it would just have fallen straight onto the rug. The cat is nowhere near strong enough to have opened the door, even if he could have jumped up and turned the doorknob. My son was upstairs and on the rare occasion he does come downstairs he just moves the glasstop out of the way, he doesn't put it back at the door. It could only have fallen when someone opened the door from the other side, and then presumably was moved about as the person tried to pick it back up, or move it out of the way.

I've thought about it since it happened, and it must have been my ex letting himself into the house. I'm really upset about this, I haven't been able to sleep tonight. Our last foster cat didn't like to sleep in the kitchen so for 7-8 months that glass wasn't there. Could he have been creeping round the house then too? And WHY? The house is usually upside down. It's been getting better because I am treating myself for a thyroid condition and actually have energy for the first time in years, but I wouldn't know if he's stolen things, at times my house has been a candidate for 'Hoarders'. Things go missing in the clutter - or do they? (See - me sounding paranoid!) I'm convinced I'm right about this though. 2 + 2 + 2 must equal 6, right? I badly want to talk to someone in my real life but I don't know if they would take me seriously.

And I'm so pissed off because he has always been free to come into my house and see his son whenever he liked, and drop off his princely £10 a week maintenance. I feel violated, for want of a better word.

What do I do?

On a practical level, I've ordered a new cylinder lock for the back door - I wish I'd gone out and bought one, but I'm nervous to leave the house now. I'll feel much happier once that's fitted. I should have done it years ago, I didn't know they were so cheap and easy to fit.

What do I say to my ex? He will either try and convince me I've gone crazy (at least he can't threaten to take my son away now he's 17), or he will laugh it off as if it's no big deal.

I want to say that if I see him at my door again I will report him to the police - but what do I do about my son? He has autism and he's very anxious in general, also depressive. If I tell him this stuff about his Dad he will be so upset. But if I don't give him a reason for stopping his Dad coming to the house he will think I'm being cruel to his Dad, which his Dad will encourage.

Is this actually a big deal, or am I being over sensitive? Is there a chance I could have it all wrong?

I am expecting a bright and breezy phonecall from him any day now (he's always extra cheerful when he thinks I may be pissed off, like a pre-emptive strike), he'll be asking to come over and see our son's Christmas presents. And that's what our son will want too. I just feel sick over this.

You're right. If I'd known how simple it is to remove a cylinder lock and change it, I would have done it a long time ago. I always assumed it was a locksmith job and expensive, but clearly not. So it's in the process of getting sorted. If my family ever turn up it could even get done today.

Can you get the locks changed without your ds knowing? That way you will know that if your ex does say anything about the locks being changed that he has been doing as you suspected and entering your house uninvited.

I think you need to do your best to not overthink everything. Do the practical steps you can and take it from there. He has absolutely no right to enter your house at all.

If your ex is a complete control freak could he have installed key logger on your PC/laptop?

You could ask on the geeky stuff if there is a program to run on your computer to check for that kind of software?

OP, it IS about control. Which is why I personally would fit a camera. Its right there on tape then. You have evidence you can throw at him when he starts calling your sanity into question.
As for your DS, tell him. After you get proof. Hes old enough to know the facts, and by keeping him in the dark, youre just adding fuel to the Ex's fire. You yourself said DS would be upset if he thought someone has been in, Id be showing him that this was his father. I cant see how hiding this is beneficial to your DS. How long before the Ex's gaslighting has an effect on how your DS and how he treats you?
You are not the bad guy, and by making yourself into the bad guy you are aiding him in his quest to undermine you.

I'm not overly concerned about online stuff, because I have a Dell with a password protect log-in. He doesn't know the password, it isn't written down anywhere. There's loads of other stuff he could have gone through, but not much he could do with it.

Have you seen these door wedges that sound an alarm if the door is opened? They're not expensive and could be just what you need (after you've changed the locks.)

Oh yes I can change the locks without DS knowing, definitely the back one. I might have to wait to do the front until his break is over, but I can leave a key in it until then.

It would be so upsetting to DS to find out his DF isn't who he thinks he is. Knowing my ex as I do - even before this - DS will get to know who he really is eventually. I would rather he came to his own conclusions. I don't think it will take long.

And I can't face doing the secret camera thing, because I can't bear the thought of him in the house again.

ImperialBlether - good idea! I'd just be worried about the cat triggering it and jumping out of his skin

The way you talk about fear that people may consider you paranoid... I would suggest you change the locks, and also go talk to your GP to talk about it all, because there may be certain things you aren't telling us, and there's no harm in a dual approach to a problem, and there's nothing shameful about being paranoid, it is a symptom of an illness is all.
(I don't know how to say that as politely as possible, I don't mean any offence.)

mishmash I can see why you would say that, but there genuinely is nothing else other than what I've already mentioned here. There was a time I assumed I would become mentally ill because my DM and DGF did. Then there was a time I was physically ill and exhausted and misinterpreted it as mental illness for a while, until I started to recover physically. As I said, I had an unpleasant experience when I did ask for counselling, but I'm actually at a point now where I don't think I need it.

I have issues around my family, but that's because I do feel that if I show any negative emotion, I will be compared to our DM who is emotionally volatile. Away from my family I'm quite happy and relaxed. Which isn't their fault, it's just how it is.

When DS came down for breakfast I explained that now he is 17, his DF can pick him up instead of coming in the house. He's very opposed to it, and very stroppy. Once exDP starts dripping poison in his ear he will be even worse. Part of me wants to tell him the real reason why DF is banned from the house, but ultimately I love DS more than I hate exDP, so I'll have to be the villain. But exDP is never invited here again.

You owe your DS the truth.

You're hiding your ex's nature for the best of reasons but it's misguided. your son thinks his father is wonderful but he is believing a lie. That doesn't help your son. It doesn't help you either, but to allow your son to believe that a deceitful, dishonest man is a wonderful man is plain unhelpful in the long run. One day he may turn around to you and say "but Mum, why didn't you tell me?" And all you can say is "I wanted to protect you".

But it's not protection, it's overprotection. Your son needs to know what to look out for with people and you owe him an accurate picture of his father - and an accurate picture of yoruself. You're not banning his father to be mean, you're banning him because he's a creepy and invasive man.

If your son is adult enough to to be picked up from outside the house, he's adult enough to handle the fact that not everyone is nice. Right now you're looking a bit unreasonable, which in fact you're not.

Do him the favour of being honest. Pretending everything is nice in the garden is not good when your son is old enough to fight in a war and marry.

I think you're doing the right thing. Your ex is gaslighting you.

And do you know what-- I totally get doubting your own perception. It's because you're a decent person who would never dream of sneaking into someone's house, so you can't get your head round the fact that he's been doing it. That's a huge realization about the kind of person he is and the kind of situation you have been in.

I had something much much less severe happen, but similarly I couldn't get my head round it either for a long time. When I was at Uni I rented an apartment which was adjacent to a larger house but had a separate entrance. Definitely not a lodger: I had my own private unit with a locked door (in theory--ha!). The landlady was a bit of a jerk who used to peek at my comings and goings and tell me off for taking too-long showers.

Anyway, I would regularly come home and find the landlady's cat in my place. And I would think, "Huh, how does the cat keep sneaking in?" I would search around and check my windows and vents, and finally just let the cat out, puzzled.

Once I saw my landlady as I was letting the cat out, and I said, "Here she is again, do you think she's sneaking down the chimney or something?" Landlady said, "Yeah, chimney, mumble mumble." And I went off thinking, "Huh, that sneaky little cat."

Towards the end of my time there I came home and caught my landlady in my place. She went running off mumbling something about needing to check the meter. I did have a vague thought of, "Does she often come in here?" and I brushed it off.

Typing it now, it's like duh, of COURSE my landlady was snooping around whilst I was gone (with her cat sneaking in behind her as cats do). But I really couldn't get my head round it at the time. I think it was just too awful to contemplate!

I agree with the otherschange the locks and make a police report that you've seen evidence of intruders, and that you think it might be your ex. Now that your son is nearly an adult I don't see why you would even have to give your ex the time of daylet alone give him an accounting of your home security choices.

I changed the lock on the back door. It took me less than five minutes. WHY didn't I do this ages ago?! Nothing frightened me like the last incident, and I didn't want to believe the worst, but I still wish I'd got it done sooner.

I'm not going to report it to the police, or tell DS, though I understand why people think I should. I would rather keep those things for if I NEED to do them. If I tell DS about the copied key, he will mention it to his Dad, who will phone me and play dumb. Hopefully this is the end of it now.

Well done! It's a good feeling to do these DIY things yourself isn't it? And in this case there are so many extra benefits. Good work!

Great! Any chance of setting up a camera to catch him in the act? That would help you with your fear of not being believed and provide evidence should you need it.

Do you have a side gate? If you have put a padlock on that too (not if you're getting a camera though mwahahaha).

Well done, I hope you can now have a good nights sleepx

I can understand why you don't want to report it etc,so why not log it down in your own journal for your own reference? If it were me i'd be going through the whole house checking for secret cameras or microphones and checking my computer to make sure he hadn't added spyware or got my webcam rigged to wqtch me secretly.

I don't who thinks i'm being 'paranoid',i'd do what it takes to look after me.

If anyone asks questions you can say you're spring cleaning for new year! :-)

in hindsight to my years of gaslighting by ex who has AS and ASPD I wish I had hidden CCTV to catch him attacking the house! If you had caught ex unlocking the door it would have reassured you this was gaslighting and not paranoid thoughts. Plus he would be in big trouble.

Can I reassure you you what you have described though is normal reaction to gasllghting.

I would still get cctv in the house hidden, not to make you worry but he could have keys copied to front door too. He may get annoyed you have outsmarted him and go further as this behaviour of gaslighting is entrenced in his behaviour and he may look for other ways to gain control again.

Well done for changing the lock, I can understand why you want to hold fire on anything more but I want to join the chorus that is telling you that you're not being paranoid.

Well done. Sometimes changing certain things seems like such a huge task. And I completely respect you deciding not to tell your DS of this incident, but if your X tries to gaslight your son please think it again. DS has to learn how to protect boundaries in life and he is learning from your example. Some day your DS will know a loving person can have an unacceptable traits and it's vital to ward them off.

Get you changing locks. I would have no clue