Ex may have been snooping round my house for a decade. What to do now?

[anotherrandomusername]

Long post, sorry.

Somewhere between five and ten years ago (I'm terrible with dates) I gave my ex a key to the back door of my house in case of emergencies.

Shortly after he called round, and because he wasn't expected; I was in the bathroom and my son was playing upstairs, the door wasn't answered immediately so he just let himself in through the back - not an emergency situation. I was annoyed and asked for the key back. He giggled and handed it over.

The laughing was a red flag, and I should have said something, but ever since he'd learnt about my mother's serious mental illness (schizophrenia) he would use it against me. I knew he would have told me I was paranoid, and turning into my mother. It was a big fear for me, and he played on it to control me. I believe they call it gaslighting? Anyway, it crossed my mind he may have had a copy made, but at that time I had got used to being told I was paranoid and crazy that I couldn't say anything.

I remember being vigilant for a while, but nothing happened and I decided I must have been over-reacting. I would sometimes feel like someone had been in the house after coming back from a weekend away, but of course that was me being silly and paranoid so I just brushed it off.

A few months ago I was sitting at the table overlooking our front window. I saw my ex open the gate, then walk straight down the side of the house towards the back garden. At the back were signs of life, the kitchen window was open, there was food cooking, etc. He came back round to the front door and knocked, and just said 'Oh hi, I thought you said you were out today?' We had a short conversation about our son and he left. I was thinking about it for ages and it took the best part of a day to go from general WTF thoughts to realizing that he was possibly going to let himself into the house and may have had a key all that time (I have at least aspects of an autistic spectrum disorder if not actual high functioning autism, and sometimes it takes me a while to work out my reaction to something out of the ordinary.)

I didn't know what to do. I started leaving a key turned in the back door when I went out, and again, started convincing myself I must be in the wrong. Because of my family history I can never talk to anyone about this kind of thing, for fear they will just think I'm going insane. I'm already a near 100% introvert (I've done the tests!) and a depressive which doesn't seem to compute with my family. I don't want to hand them more gossip on a platter.

Early on Boxing Day morning I heard a crash downstairs. Because I live alone with a vulnerable son, I had got in the habit of leaning something heavyish against the living room/kitchen door when I went to bed, the idea being that if it fell, someone had broken in and I could shut myself in my sons room and call the police. It used to be an ironing board, for the last year it's been a large rectangular piece of thick glass, which used to be the top of a coffee table. It used to give me peace of mind when I was nervous living alone, now it's just habit. I had gone to bed the night before, settled our foster cat in his bed in the kitchen, shut the door and propped the glass there, and went to bed.

When I heard the noise I sat up in bed too scared to move, and listened out for any sounds that meant I should call the police. Because I was sleepy I wondered if maybe the cat knocked something over, etc. After 10-15 minutes I went downstairs. Our foster cat was in the living room, the door was slightly ajar, and the glass was not only flat on the carpet, but partly pushed under the rug. I was trying to work it out for ages. The glass couldn't have slipped and got wedged under the rug, it would just have fallen straight onto the rug. The cat is nowhere near strong enough to have opened the door, even if he could have jumped up and turned the doorknob. My son was upstairs and on the rare occasion he does come downstairs he just moves the glasstop out of the way, he doesn't put it back at the door. It could only have fallen when someone opened the door from the other side, and then presumably was moved about as the person tried to pick it back up, or move it out of the way.

I've thought about it since it happened, and it must have been my ex letting himself into the house. I'm really upset about this, I haven't been able to sleep tonight. Our last foster cat didn't like to sleep in the kitchen so for 7-8 months that glass wasn't there. Could he have been creeping round the house then too? And WHY? The house is usually upside down. It's been getting better because I am treating myself for a thyroid condition and actually have energy for the first time in years, but I wouldn't know if he's stolen things, at times my house has been a candidate for 'Hoarders'. Things go missing in the clutter - or do they? (See - me sounding paranoid!) I'm convinced I'm right about this though. 2 + 2 + 2 must equal 6, right? I badly want to talk to someone in my real life but I don't know if they would take me seriously.

And I'm so pissed off because he has always been free to come into my house and see his son whenever he liked, and drop off his princely £10 a week maintenance. I feel violated, for want of a better word.

What do I do?

On a practical level, I've ordered a new cylinder lock for the back door - I wish I'd gone out and bought one, but I'm nervous to leave the house now. I'll feel much happier once that's fitted. I should have done it years ago, I didn't know they were so cheap and easy to fit.

What do I say to my ex? He will either try and convince me I've gone crazy (at least he can't threaten to take my son away now he's 17), or he will laugh it off as if it's no big deal.

I want to say that if I see him at my door again I will report him to the police - but what do I do about my son? He has autism and he's very anxious in general, also depressive. If I tell him this stuff about his Dad he will be so upset. But if I don't give him a reason for stopping his Dad coming to the house he will think I'm being cruel to his Dad, which his Dad will encourage.

Is this actually a big deal, or am I being over sensitive? Is there a chance I could have it all wrong?

I am expecting a bright and breezy phonecall from him any day now (he's always extra cheerful when he thinks I may be pissed off, like a pre-emptive strike), he'll be asking to come over and see our son's Christmas presents. And that's what our son will want too. I just feel sick over this.

When you saw your ex walk down the side, and disappear round the back, and then he came to the front when he realised you were home..,he said 'oh I thought you were out today' - well if he thought that, what was he doing there then? He rather gave the game away with that!

Change the locks and say nothing. he won't be able to say anything because how will he know? Unless he tries the door when he shouldn't....

I'd thought of that too Amanda. Also sometimes I go out and DS is at home. What if exDP saw me out and decided to go to my house for whatever reason he goes there? DS would be petrified. But there's nothing I can do now, at least it didn't happen and won't happen now. Another thing that crossed my mind is if I saw someone in the house, knowing that DS was asleep upstairs I could easily have hit him with something heavy. What then? he's such an idiot.

He didn't know about the ironing board. Unless DS told him, but I don't think it would cross his mind. I only told an aunt who agreed it was a good early warning system!

You are not paranoid, your ex is out to fuck with your head

Yes to changing the locks - never mention it to him, you don't have to tell him anything.

And keep a close eye on your keys in case your son is (accidentally) giving it to him

I always keep my key in the back door so no one can get in

I think he would have said that he was checking something round the back if I questioned him, he's a lot faster at thinking on his feet if I am. I assume he has several alibis at the ready. No idea how he could explain it if I'd actually caught him in the house though.

I have taken action this time Noctilucent. Last time I wasn't certain, but I didn't think he would actually enter the house while we were in it and sleeping, that's another level of creepy that I didn't attribute to him until it happened. But I've ordered a backdoor cylinder lock. I may go out and buy new locks today f I have time. I've got family coming over and I've decided not to say anything in case it got back to DS, so I have to get myself together.

*than I am, not if I am

My back door is half glass, I worry about the security aspect of leaving a key in? Though I suppose if someone smashes glass in a door they must be pretty committed anyway!

Yes change the locks. Don't say anything.

If he asks why you've changed the locks then you know he knows IYSWIM.

My ex did this. We had always had a fairly good relationship, although he was a bit if a lightweight, DH and I just got on with things and ex came and went as he pleased really.

He did not have a key himself but knew where we kept a key for emergencies. There was never a point where he needed to use it though as he was only ever around with DS or when we were there. Until one day, we were away and a friend rang to say she had seen someone coming and going from the house. Sure enough, as soon as we got home I could tell someone had been there. Evidence if someone having been sleeping on the sofa etc.

It turns out ex, knowing the house was empty, had decided to let himself in and use it as a hotel instead of getting taxis or walking home from the pub. This was a huge presumption and an invasion of privacy and we were furious. It was one thing allowing unlimited access to DS ( who was by then a teen) but quite another to be in our home, without permission, when no one was there. We did fall out over that.

Oh, and I am not paranoid, schizophrenic or overly suspicious. Don't doubt yourself.

Hi op

You are by your own admission vulnerable but, your ex is using this to his advantage your not going mad your not paranoid your natural instincts are kicking in to protect you and your son in your own home.

Don't get involved in the where's and wherefore get the locks changed and get some boundaries in place for him and yourself.
Times of day for contact and days of the week, take back some control and you will start to feel better. Like a previous poster said your mental health is not the issue if it quacks like a duck then it's a bloody duck, your ex is the duck lovey

Thanks downton

Thank you!

I have tried to put schedules in place before, but neither of them would stick to one agreed day a week - either my ex would suddenly remember he had something else to do, or DS would complain that he didn't want to sit around his Dad's house and why couldn't he just sit in his bedroom with him instead? Plus DS won't use a phone, so I always have to mediate. For someone who fancies himself as a songwriter and a creative, exDP has no imagination at all. DS can sit on exDPs sofa for four hours then come home, or go on a visit to the garden centre. Not very exciting for a teenager.

But I cannot allow exDP back into my house, so that's something they will have to sort out between them.

OP, please please please just do as everyone else on this and the last thread has suggested and change your locks. It's a simple and fail-safe solution. I know it's a bit of a hassle, but your other thread was dated from August this year. If I suspected anyone of coming and going in my home for that period of time, I'd be more than paranoid, sleep deprived and thinking I had mental health issues. This would give me them tbh.

In fact, this may give you the answers you're looking for. If your ex can't get into the house due to the locks changing, he might ask and in doing so will give himself away.

Just do it today for your own sanity and peace of mind.

Remember that your X has no right at all to enter your house against your wishes. Even if your DS invites him in, your wishes take priority in legal terms.

Hi Another, change the locks. He is doing this so he has continued ownership of you in his small and pathetic way. It's all about control. My Mum was a full blown schizophrenic and I used to feel the way you do (doubting myself etc.) If you were going to develop it though you would have done so by now I am sure. Most sufferers show signs between the age of 18 and 25 is how I understand it. You sound like an intelligent and eloquent person and your ex still wants a piece of that. In your shoes I would change the locks and say nothing. You already knew what he was like, now you know a bit more. Knowledge is power and so are changed locks. You are pillock free and that is something to be grateful for.

I fail to understand why you just can't change the locks/install bolts. Its such a simple solution to this drama

See now, me, Im a crafty cow!
Id buy those new locks, but before I fitted them I would rig up some kind of cctv and then leave the house for a few days. Its not overly difficult, my laptop has a motion sensor camera function, or somewhere like Maplins would do a basic set up cheaply.
Then I would catch the creepy fucker at it, notify the police, change the locks and be happy in the knowledge that he will never be setting foot in my house again!

Don't worry your pretty head about it, SirSugar.

Most of us have no difficulty understanding why a busy single parent with exhausting health issues doesn't always get to the bottom of their To Do List, even when the things on it are quite important.

And that's without the gaslighting, where the OP has been made to feel that to change the locks would confirm that she suffers from serious mental illness.

I think if it was me, for peace of mind, I'd change all of the locks.
Feeling back in control of the situation would make me feel better - might help?

If you need him to be able to get access to the house in an emergency, you could have one of those key master (think that's the name) safe things that letting agencies attach outside rental houses.

If he needed in, he could have the combination, get access to the key without needing a key all of the time.

You should be able to feel safe in your own home. For you.

I think I'd change all the locks as he would be able to get copies of keys left in the house as well. If you decide to get a camera try to get a covert one that has it's own battery power because they are less likely to be erased and reset. Check your internet and computer passwords are safe as well.

I think your fears are understandable but if you share your findings logically without sharing your fears to neighbours etc. who could look out for you then I think they will understand. I also think you shouldn't ignore your fears completely because you may be right that he can play on your vulnerability. If he is doing that he may be getting away with what he is doing by telling others that he is a carer etc. or something that makes people not suspicious so you might want to let people know that you have previously taken back the key as he entered without your permission.

In regards to mental health, people can be very ignorant about mental illness so can assume anything, however legally even if you were mentally ill, he still doesn't have the right to enter your property without your permission. It may have caused you to doubt yourself but it is emotional abuse. I know your son would be upset if you go to the police but he'd be more upset if you were harmed by this experience. It is best to approach the police now and explain what you have written so that later on if things get worse there's something to fall back on. Also it might make him stop what he is doing. If you don't want to go to the police then keep a diary (carry it with you) and get a USB or something to save pics or relevant posts as they are helpful if you are being dismissed as just paranoid etc.

I wrote all of this as I have experienced complicated long term harassment. When I discovered there had been entry to my home and changed the locks etc. DS lost his key, I changed the locks again and the next time DS came home in tears and showed me a broken key chain where he had chained it to himself. I then realised he may have been pick pocketed. The ex in question isn't his DF and was someone I dated for a year. Even though his DF makes a complete ass of himself I later realised I was targeted as a single parent. I've had so much repeat victimisation afterwards that it is now difficult working backwards as I have had to prove I am sane etc. having someone accessing your house for a long period of time means they can do so much damage.

Whatever you do I hope all goes well. Also when you mentioned your DS's age with the threats, I chuckled a bit as my ex and family often made those threats but DS is 16 now and does what he likes.

And OP, I agree with all the good advice you've had here. You're not being paranoid or overly suspicious. You've been made to doubt yourself by family and exP, and exP has been actively taking advantage of this.

He sounds vile.

I have ordered locks. I may even go out and buy some today if I have time. But it's not really a simple solution. It stops him, yes. But it's a very complex 'drama' to me. What reasonable person does this? I had no idea he was this rotten.

I think you're absolutely right Dinnaeknowshitfromclay, it is about control. And I'm concerned about how he will react when he loses it, though I have definitely ruled out a big showdown.

When DS came down for breakfast I explained that now he is 17, his DF can pick him up instead of coming in the house. He's very opposed to it, and very stroppy. Once exDP starts dripping poison in his ear he will be even worse. Part of me wants to tell him the real reason why DF is banned from the house, but ultimately I love DS more than I hate exDP, so I'll have to be the villain. But exDP is never invited here again.

Funnily enough, he still hasn't phoned. He's never missed seeing DS around Christmas before (unless he counts skulking round our house in the early hours as a visit.) He takes beta blockers because he used to have panic attacks and I wouldn't be surprised if he got a shock as a result of that glass falling. (Though I did see his car creep past yesterday, he drives so slowly when he's trying to peer in through windows that he's very noticeable.)

ParsingFancy, I've changed locks before to prevent an ex getting in my house; It was the first thing to do being a single parent and wanting to feel at ease in my own home.

All this procrastination over many months about what everyone else might think/do would have been totally unnecessary with a simple lock change or addition of bolts to the doors. They are your doors/locks to do with as you wish OP, no need to consult or even tell anyone else.

If you must tell your ex , tell him the lock broke and you fixed it

I do think that if I had a partner I wouldn't see him for dust. He split up with his last girlfriend because he discovered her ex was a Hell's Angel and he freaked out in case he came to visit. He's the type who feels inadequate around other men, but likes to speak over women and patronise them.

But I'm nervous to get into another relationship. As you say HereIsMee some men do target single parents - though DS is taller than me now so maybe that isn't relevant anymore!

Hereismee has given good advice about changing passwords on things too. Online banking, emails etc. His noodling about in your house may be just the tip of the iceberg. Even if you feel paranoid change everything. Think of what is in the house that he has had unfettered access to and use that as a trail to understand what you may have to do to counteract him. He will have nosed through everything - trust me. Think of the worse case scenario and act on that. It's not being paranoid or mentally ill, it is protecting yourself from this abusive man.