Long post, sorry.
Somewhere between five and ten years ago (I'm terrible with dates) I gave my ex a key to the back door of my house in case of emergencies.
Shortly after he called round, and because he wasn't expected; I was in the bathroom and my son was playing upstairs, the door wasn't answered immediately so he just let himself in through the back - not an emergency situation. I was annoyed and asked for the key back. He giggled and handed it over.
The laughing was a red flag, and I should have said something, but ever since he'd learnt about my mother's serious mental illness (schizophrenia) he would use it against me. I knew he would have told me I was paranoid, and turning into my mother. It was a big fear for me, and he played on it to control me. I believe they call it gaslighting? Anyway, it crossed my mind he may have had a copy made, but at that time I had got used to being told I was paranoid and crazy that I couldn't say anything.
I remember being vigilant for a while, but nothing happened and I decided I must have been over-reacting. I would sometimes feel like someone had been in the house after coming back from a weekend away, but of course that was me being silly and paranoid so I just brushed it off.
A few months ago I was sitting at the table overlooking our front window. I saw my ex open the gate, then walk straight down the side of the house towards the back garden. At the back were signs of life, the kitchen window was open, there was food cooking, etc. He came back round to the front door and knocked, and just said 'Oh hi, I thought you said you were out today?' We had a short conversation about our son and he left. I was thinking about it for ages and it took the best part of a day to go from general WTF thoughts to realizing that he was possibly going to let himself into the house and may have had a key all that time (I have at least aspects of an autistic spectrum disorder if not actual high functioning autism, and sometimes it takes me a while to work out my reaction to something out of the ordinary.)
I didn't know what to do. I started leaving a key turned in the back door when I went out, and again, started convincing myself I must be in the wrong. Because of my family history I can never talk to anyone about this kind of thing, for fear they will just think I'm going insane. I'm already a near 100% introvert (I've done the tests!) and a depressive which doesn't seem to compute with my family. I don't want to hand them more gossip on a platter.
Early on Boxing Day morning I heard a crash downstairs. Because I live alone with a vulnerable son, I had got in the habit of leaning something heavyish against the living room/kitchen door when I went to bed, the idea being that if it fell, someone had broken in and I could shut myself in my sons room and call the police. It used to be an ironing board, for the last year it's been a large rectangular piece of thick glass, which used to be the top of a coffee table. It used to give me peace of mind when I was nervous living alone, now it's just habit. I had gone to bed the night before, settled our foster cat in his bed in the kitchen, shut the door and propped the glass there, and went to bed.
When I heard the noise I sat up in bed too scared to move, and listened out for any sounds that meant I should call the police. Because I was sleepy I wondered if maybe the cat knocked something over, etc. After 10-15 minutes I went downstairs. Our foster cat was in the living room, the door was slightly ajar, and the glass was not only flat on the carpet, but partly pushed under the rug. I was trying to work it out for ages. The glass couldn't have slipped and got wedged under the rug, it would just have fallen straight onto the rug. The cat is nowhere near strong enough to have opened the door, even if he could have jumped up and turned the doorknob. My son was upstairs and on the rare occasion he does come downstairs he just moves the glasstop out of the way, he doesn't put it back at the door. It could only have fallen when someone opened the door from the other side, and then presumably was moved about as the person tried to pick it back up, or move it out of the way.
I've thought about it since it happened, and it must have been my ex letting himself into the house. I'm really upset about this, I haven't been able to sleep tonight. Our last foster cat didn't like to sleep in the kitchen so for 7-8 months that glass wasn't there. Could he have been creeping round the house then too? And WHY? The house is usually upside down. It's been getting better because I am treating myself for a thyroid condition and actually have energy for the first time in years, but I wouldn't know if he's stolen things, at times my house has been a candidate for 'Hoarders'. Things go missing in the clutter - or do they? (See - me sounding paranoid!) I'm convinced I'm right about this though. 2 + 2 + 2 must equal 6, right? I badly want to talk to someone in my real life but I don't know if they would take me seriously.
And I'm so pissed off because he has always been free to come into my house and see his son whenever he liked, and drop off his princely £10 a week maintenance. I feel violated, for want of a better word.
What do I do?
On a practical level, I've ordered a new cylinder lock for the back door - I wish I'd gone out and bought one, but I'm nervous to leave the house now. I'll feel much happier once that's fitted. I should have done it years ago, I didn't know they were so cheap and easy to fit.
What do I say to my ex? He will either try and convince me I've gone crazy (at least he can't threaten to take my son away now he's 17), or he will laugh it off as if it's no big deal.
I want to say that if I see him at my door again I will report him to the police - but what do I do about my son? He has autism and he's very anxious in general, also depressive. If I tell him this stuff about his Dad he will be so upset. But if I don't give him a reason for stopping his Dad coming to the house he will think I'm being cruel to his Dad, which his Dad will encourage.
Is this actually a big deal, or am I being over sensitive? Is there a chance I could have it all wrong?
I am expecting a bright and breezy phonecall from him any day now (he's always extra cheerful when he thinks I may be pissed off, like a pre-emptive strike), he'll be asking to come over and see our son's Christmas presents. And that's what our son will want too. I just feel sick over this.