Ex may have been snooping round my house for a decade. What to do now?

[anotherrandomusername]

Long post, sorry.

Somewhere between five and ten years ago (I'm terrible with dates) I gave my ex a key to the back door of my house in case of emergencies.

Shortly after he called round, and because he wasn't expected; I was in the bathroom and my son was playing upstairs, the door wasn't answered immediately so he just let himself in through the back - not an emergency situation. I was annoyed and asked for the key back. He giggled and handed it over.

The laughing was a red flag, and I should have said something, but ever since he'd learnt about my mother's serious mental illness (schizophrenia) he would use it against me. I knew he would have told me I was paranoid, and turning into my mother. It was a big fear for me, and he played on it to control me. I believe they call it gaslighting? Anyway, it crossed my mind he may have had a copy made, but at that time I had got used to being told I was paranoid and crazy that I couldn't say anything.

I remember being vigilant for a while, but nothing happened and I decided I must have been over-reacting. I would sometimes feel like someone had been in the house after coming back from a weekend away, but of course that was me being silly and paranoid so I just brushed it off.

A few months ago I was sitting at the table overlooking our front window. I saw my ex open the gate, then walk straight down the side of the house towards the back garden. At the back were signs of life, the kitchen window was open, there was food cooking, etc. He came back round to the front door and knocked, and just said 'Oh hi, I thought you said you were out today?' We had a short conversation about our son and he left. I was thinking about it for ages and it took the best part of a day to go from general WTF thoughts to realizing that he was possibly going to let himself into the house and may have had a key all that time (I have at least aspects of an autistic spectrum disorder if not actual high functioning autism, and sometimes it takes me a while to work out my reaction to something out of the ordinary.)

I didn't know what to do. I started leaving a key turned in the back door when I went out, and again, started convincing myself I must be in the wrong. Because of my family history I can never talk to anyone about this kind of thing, for fear they will just think I'm going insane. I'm already a near 100% introvert (I've done the tests!) and a depressive which doesn't seem to compute with my family. I don't want to hand them more gossip on a platter.

Early on Boxing Day morning I heard a crash downstairs. Because I live alone with a vulnerable son, I had got in the habit of leaning something heavyish against the living room/kitchen door when I went to bed, the idea being that if it fell, someone had broken in and I could shut myself in my sons room and call the police. It used to be an ironing board, for the last year it's been a large rectangular piece of thick glass, which used to be the top of a coffee table. It used to give me peace of mind when I was nervous living alone, now it's just habit. I had gone to bed the night before, settled our foster cat in his bed in the kitchen, shut the door and propped the glass there, and went to bed.

When I heard the noise I sat up in bed too scared to move, and listened out for any sounds that meant I should call the police. Because I was sleepy I wondered if maybe the cat knocked something over, etc. After 10-15 minutes I went downstairs. Our foster cat was in the living room, the door was slightly ajar, and the glass was not only flat on the carpet, but partly pushed under the rug. I was trying to work it out for ages. The glass couldn't have slipped and got wedged under the rug, it would just have fallen straight onto the rug. The cat is nowhere near strong enough to have opened the door, even if he could have jumped up and turned the doorknob. My son was upstairs and on the rare occasion he does come downstairs he just moves the glasstop out of the way, he doesn't put it back at the door. It could only have fallen when someone opened the door from the other side, and then presumably was moved about as the person tried to pick it back up, or move it out of the way.

I've thought about it since it happened, and it must have been my ex letting himself into the house. I'm really upset about this, I haven't been able to sleep tonight. Our last foster cat didn't like to sleep in the kitchen so for 7-8 months that glass wasn't there. Could he have been creeping round the house then too? And WHY? The house is usually upside down. It's been getting better because I am treating myself for a thyroid condition and actually have energy for the first time in years, but I wouldn't know if he's stolen things, at times my house has been a candidate for 'Hoarders'. Things go missing in the clutter - or do they? (See - me sounding paranoid!) I'm convinced I'm right about this though. 2 + 2 + 2 must equal 6, right? I badly want to talk to someone in my real life but I don't know if they would take me seriously.

And I'm so pissed off because he has always been free to come into my house and see his son whenever he liked, and drop off his princely £10 a week maintenance. I feel violated, for want of a better word.

What do I do?

On a practical level, I've ordered a new cylinder lock for the back door - I wish I'd gone out and bought one, but I'm nervous to leave the house now. I'll feel much happier once that's fitted. I should have done it years ago, I didn't know they were so cheap and easy to fit.

What do I say to my ex? He will either try and convince me I've gone crazy (at least he can't threaten to take my son away now he's 17), or he will laugh it off as if it's no big deal.

I want to say that if I see him at my door again I will report him to the police - but what do I do about my son? He has autism and he's very anxious in general, also depressive. If I tell him this stuff about his Dad he will be so upset. But if I don't give him a reason for stopping his Dad coming to the house he will think I'm being cruel to his Dad, which his Dad will encourage.

Is this actually a big deal, or am I being over sensitive? Is there a chance I could have it all wrong?

I am expecting a bright and breezy phonecall from him any day now (he's always extra cheerful when he thinks I may be pissed off, like a pre-emptive strike), he'll be asking to come over and see our son's Christmas presents. And that's what our son will want too. I just feel sick over this.

And now keep reminding yourself that you are accurate in what you observe, not paranoid or delusional. Ignore how your family seem to have decided they can treat you like this and gain confidence in your own judgement.

Morning, Is there any chance that you are starting to believe that you are not paranoid?

Yep! I really don't think I am just being paranoid over this - the laughing when he gave me my key back, walking to the back of my house instead of knocking on the front door when he thought we weren't in, and the fact that someone opened that door in the early hours and moved something heavy out of the way. It's definitely him.

I doubt he has a key to the front door (I only have one, and DS only takes his out when he goes to work, there aren't any spares) but I have a lock coming in the post so I'll swap that too.

Hi Another
I would get a 1 ton bag of shingle from the builders merchants . They are around £35 delivered , then spread it down the side of your house , if you buy the 20mm or large sized bag its really noisy and impossible to walk on without making a racket.
If you are still worried get a PIR twin spotlight , aim 1 down the side of the house and 1 across the back. There are settings so cats and foxes dont set them off , but people do.

Also , re the plate glass .
If it fell over naturally , tiny earth tremor or lorry passing or the cat knocking it wouldnt it make a huge gust of wind ? When glass or sheets of wood fall they make a 'WHUUUMP' of air , maybe just maybe the whump of air flicked the rug up at the edge and it fell back over the glass.

You would have to be very skilled to exit a house absolutely silently in a hurry having made a comotion , and you heard nothing .

Try it as an expermient , the wind displacement might surprise you .

Oh , and get a combination bolt ( £12 screwfix ) for that back gate too. Really simple to fit and use . Then your sorted .

Re the glass - I was asleep in bed upstairs, and I heard the glass hit something hard because it made a bang sound (it hit a wooden unit on the way down). It had definitely been moved by a person. Our cat can't even roll a heavy toy ball, he wouldn't be able to open a wooden door, or move a heavy sheet of glass. And it had been shoved under a rug. Maybe it's not possible to explain without showing all the elements involved, but it didn't happen by accident.

We don't have a back gate, there is just an open side alley leading to the back garden. It's on my to-do list though, when I can afford it.

you sound reasonable and in control to me. i would react in the same way. well done for changing the locks.

i do wonder though, that it would be wise to tell your family quietly so that they are aware that he has been trespassing, just as a safety thing for you. your ds doesn't have to know, but i do think someone in rl should.

My ex snoops. I have had to buy curtains for doors, put bolts on the garden gate. I could see his wellie boot footprints in the snow but of course he denied it. It made me feel v vulnerable and chilled. He's done other more stalkery things but could I prove it? No. Could I not sound mad if I told anyone other than family who know him? No. Just because you have ASD doesn't mean you are not able to trust your own instincts. Trust them! Even though you can't prove it. You, like me, are not mad. Change locks, get bolts, gravel, outside lights and let yr son, if old enough and able, meet his dad at the garden gate where his dad can then take his son out somewhere.

And tell yr ex why you are changing the ground rules for his visits so he knows you are not doubting yourself and can stand up to his efforts to not respect your boundaries.

I actually told one of my brothers and his wife yesterday. They didn't seem to think I was over reacting, but I don't know if I explained fully. I am nervous when discussing anything remotely personal with family - not anything to do with them really, my issues. Plus I only see that DB and SIL a few times a year, we're not close. But they didn't seem to be exchanging concerned glances behind my back, so that's good!

I was looking at curtains this evening actually. Because there is no gate to the back, anyone could look in the kitchen window at night. If exDP can't get in, he would definitely still spy, that's a given.

He called tonight. First he tried to convince me that he didn't need to give me any money until the middle of January when in fact he owes me since early December (I hate arguing over £10 a week maintenance!) I told him that DS is old enough now that they can spend time together out, and actually it would be good for DS. Their relationship at the moment consists of 15 minute 'flying visits' inbetween his Dad hurrying from doing nothing in one place to doing nothing in another place. It didn't sink in though because he said he would drop by at the end of the week. He won't. He'll never get any further than the doorstep from now on.

Another pop down to B&Q and get a roll of fablon for windows. Its basically sticky back plastic which looks like frosted glass. Its cheap, looks nice and dead easy to apply. Inside the kitchen will be higher than outside, so if you apply it to the height that blocks the view of people outside, then you should still be able to see out from inside, IYSWIM. That will solve that little problem!

Can I also recommend fitting sash jammers. I have one on the front door - when it is vertical the door can be opened but when it is horizontal the door cannot be opened from outside - even with a key.

If you have to justify to him why the locks were changed ( if he finds out) tell him about the intruder that you had in the middle of the night. Say you didn't want to worry DS so didn't tell him but once the Police had been round to fingerprint the house they advised that your locks should be changed to be more secure. He can't argue about the security of the house his child lives in, can he. And the thought of the Police having his fingerprints on file might make him think twice about trying to snoop again.

Good advice from WitchOfEndor and it will save any conflict from him too.

You have a right to feel safe in your own home. Your local PCSO can also arrange for a security expert to come round and look round the house and offer advice on security free of charge. No obligation to buy anything but if you did then it's a lot cheaper than buying online or from shops.