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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

alright, seriously, how often do you and DH get down to it?

64 replies

nobodysawmedoit · 26/12/2013 22:40

I'm starting a tangent thread from my other current thread. We have one kid, aged 2, and a very good relationship. But we've only had sex about 6 / 7 times since he was born. (For those with very poor maths skills, that's about once every four months). Is that normal? Are we doomed?

OP posts:

Sanch1 · 26/12/2013 22:44

It depends if you're both happy with that or not? It's only a problem if one or both if you want different. We have can 5 month old and it changes, sometimes 3 times a week, sometimes once, sometimes not for a few weeks.

tiamariaxxx · 26/12/2013 22:46

Aww i think everyone is different, some weeks me and my hubby dont get chance at all. Think you just need to remember to make time for yourselves as a couple dont actually plan sex but just set a night a week to watch a dvd or have a take away and relax and see what happens.

As 4 kids its usually just a quicky whenever get chance, often do it in a morning aswell OH wakes at 5 and i get up at half past 5 anyway so its a nice wake up call.

3boysplusme · 26/12/2013 22:49

Between 3-5 times a week. Both of us get grumpy otherwise. Sometimes these are very much quickies in the mornings/ before bed. Definitely not candles/ sexy lingerie bonk marathons type affairs (I need my sleep too much for that!!) DS's are 6&7. It is harder when the children are younger tho? Was your sex life simular Pre- DC?

3boysplusme · 26/12/2013 22:50

*Similar

StrawberryMojito · 26/12/2013 22:51

We didn't do it at all for about 4-5 months after DS was born (hes now 2) for a variety of reasons. We now do it about 5 times a month, not sure what is normal and what is not but we are reasonably happy with our sex life. We'd probably do it more if we weren't so tired...he is a v early riser and still wakes at least once a night.

mouse26 · 26/12/2013 22:52

Every relationship is different. We average about once a week, sometimes more, sometimes not at all for a few weeks. I work full time days and dp works nights (weds - sun) so we're limited anyway. Quite honestly, we're usually worn out by the time the kids are in bed and generally have to force ourselves to fit it in somewhere As Sanch1 as already said - It depends if you're both happy with that

GooseRocks · 26/12/2013 22:53

No, not doomed. It comes and goes for us. And it's only a problem if one or other of you is unhappy with it. Do you get couple time? I do think it's important to spend time together away from kids and preferably out of the house if possible. Improves everything in my experience.

tiamariaxxx · 26/12/2013 22:53

3boysplusme - Were like that too, he cant go without for long often just have to give him a quick tug and hes happy :) Im same i think although its the closeness i urge for

Original poster

nobodysawmedoit · 26/12/2013 22:54

Prior to DS we were a once-a-week kind of couple (although I was horny as hell when pregnant ). Now it feels not so much like we don't have time as we just never feel like it. As for whether we're happy with the amount of sex we have, I feel sad and worried that we don't do it more but I don't actually want to do it more, I just wish I wanted to. IYSWIM

OP posts:

SirChenjin · 26/12/2013 22:55

With 2 teens and a 6 year old in the house - not so much. In fact, if anyone has a strategy to improve things which doesn't include sending them off to a relative/friend for the weekend please let me know.

3boysplusme · 26/12/2013 22:55

For what it's worth I don't think that there is a normal? The main factor is whether you still find each other attractive and enjoy spending time with each other? Relationships go through phases- especially when you factor in newborns/ toddlers/ teenagers etc. it always changes but what is important is that spark between you both

Original poster

nobodysawmedoit · 26/12/2013 22:55

Oh no! Everyone who's posted so far has way more sex than we do! Now I feel realy bad

OP posts:

GooseRocks · 26/12/2013 22:58

We've gone ages without. Also gone through spells where we do it loads. I honestly think you can just get out of the habit which is where you're at just now. Been there too. Doesn't have to stay that way. Do you kiss and cuddle?

Mrswellyboot · 26/12/2013 22:59

I have a three month old, about once a week. Probably not enough but too tired, don't feel fully myself yet.

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 26/12/2013 23:01

OP - we have a nearly 2 year old and we've probably done it 6/7 times too. I'm not happy about it at all and would like a proper sex life back (we were 4/5 times a week pre ds)
Our issue is contraception - DH hates condoms, I can't go on the pill and don't want to get the coil. Causes much stress for me, although DH is less bothered :(

Sparrowlegs248 · 26/12/2013 23:02

No children and dtd anything from 3 x a month to 3 x aweek!

tiamariaxxx · 26/12/2013 23:02

Aww dont feel bad :( If you are happy in lif thn it doesnt matter what others are doing.

If its getting your or your OH down then i think you do need to try and make a bit of time, like i said plan a date night, we often do it on a friday but its hard as my eldest is a bad sleeper and in and out like a yoyo and then the baby wants her last feed. Its great when the in laws have them (usually once or twice a month) even if its just the eldest 2 they take for the night the youngest girls arent really any trouble apart from the last feed.

Have you got an over night sitter? think you just need that one night to get back on track and bet after youll be ok

3boysplusme · 26/12/2013 23:03

Can I add I am a therapist and by far the most worrying relationships I work with are the separate bedrooms/ 'separate life' couples that I see. Or the ones that don't remotely fancy the other half anymore... You can have lulls and gaps in the sex life due to life factors but IMO when I ask someone when they last had sex and they say 5 years ago I do wonder if the other person is happy with that arrangement too? As tiamaria said, it's as much about the closeness as the sex itself...

GooseRocks · 26/12/2013 23:03

Bob have you tried the coil? I know some don't like it round here but I'd recommend.

3boysplusme · 26/12/2013 23:04

If you are both happy... Then it's not a problem surely?

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 26/12/2013 23:08

No Goose - read lots of horror stories, although I am tempted - just to get this sorted. I hate bedtime, DH is affectionate and we have a totally happy relationship otherwise. Sorry for hijacking nobody

Original poster

nobodysawmedoit · 26/12/2013 23:09

We still cuddle in bed, but kisses are a really perfunctory peck on the cheek once or twice a day. DH seems less bothered about our sex life (sex death?) than I am. The only overnight sitter we get is his mum and DH won't DTD with her in the house, so that strategy is a total fail! I just feel like we've totally got out of the habit and unless we force ourselves to do it then we'll never get back into it. But forcing ourselves to have sex sounds a bit rape-y and not good at all. Arrgh. Maybe we need to start TTC and that will do the trick...

OP posts:

tiamariaxxx · 26/12/2013 23:11

lol, well what time does the little 1 goto bed? Can you get yourself a dvd you know you will both like, order a take away for once little 1 is asleep, just snuggle up on the sofa or in bed lots of cuddles and kisses and see where the mood takes you.

zzzzz · 26/12/2013 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

nobodysawmedoit · 26/12/2013 23:17

Right. Drastic action required. I'm checking out of here now to see if I can entice DH off the sofa just so I can get one more notch on the bedpost before the end of the year. [exits to dramatic music]
(tia - the mood would take us where it always does - to bed, to SLEEP!)

OP posts:

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