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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm an ow

406 replies

fuckitanyway · 26/12/2013 22:08

I'm in love with a married man. He's my boss.

I am also married and have a lovely life. I love my husband and children. He doesn't hide the fact he loves his family and his wife.

I'm a member of mumsnet for about 7 years now - I'm not trolling - Friday night bumsex, Pom bears etc.

I'm not going to make the bazillion apologies I'm supposed to and know I should because it's ridiculous. I'm mortified, ashamed, I feel such a complete fucking moron at times. I keep doing it - so it's inexcusable and pointless and disingenuous to try rationalise it.

No one plans on leaving anyone. He's 24 years older than me.

It started one year and four months ago and now has run away with me.

I have attempted to post this a million times. I was too much of a coward.

I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry to anyone I've hurt. Could you help me? I understand and accept I'll be flamed.

OP posts:
drudgewithagrudge · 27/12/2013 12:06

I bet you aren't the first mistress this man has had, His wife may know about his affairs and turn a blind eye because she likes their lifestyle and he will never leave her because she would take him to the cleaners financially.

I bet everyone at work knows. Where do your trysts take place? Stationery cupboard, on his desk, or Travel Lodge?

It will all come out in the end.

AlaskaNebraska · 27/12/2013 12:10

when yoou do a ^^ thats ABOVE the post you refer to on my mn

qazxc · 27/12/2013 12:16

Speaking as a child who grew in a house were parents were unfaithful, I think you are kidding yourself that you are not hurting your family.
I think you should stop the affair and change jobs. Have a think and decide if your marriage is salveagable or if you need a fresh start.
you might think that you can carry on as you are but trust me these things always come out in the end. Also while he will be made out to be a silly old fool going through a middle life crisis, you will more than likely be judged far more harshly in the court of public opinion (it's not right as you are as responsible as each other but it's what happens).

neiljames77 · 27/12/2013 12:43

Most people are saying end the affair. I think you should both step back from your respective marriages. This isn't some pissed up, works night out fumble that you both regret in the morning. Some marriages can survive that because they weren't thinking straight at the time due to alcohol. This is a year and four months of stone cold sober betrayal.
Whether your partners find out now, next year or in five years, the hurt will feel just the same so you're only delaying the inevitable.
I don't know whether you or this bloke could just end it, forget it ever happened and carry on as normal. If you could, you must be a complete emotional vacuum. Either way, your respective partners don't deserve to live their lives with such deceitful people.

Leavenheath · 27/12/2013 13:11

Carpe has it, as per usual.

I often think Mumsnetters assume the people who have affairs like this are either demon players or miserably married.

Whereas I think lots of affairs are like this.

Two people in decent marriages who love their spouses and don't want to lose them, but are selfish enough to want something 'extra' to spice up their daily lives, especially while they are at work.

There's nothing new in any of this. Just another yawntastic work affair between cake eaters.

Kudos to you though for not claiming the usual defences that some would be only too happy to give you- your marriage must be lacking, so must his, you must have low self-esteem blah blah...

A lot of affairs are just about something 'extra'- and not as a response to anything more than plain selfishness.

bringoutthepringles · 27/12/2013 13:23

can't believe some people here are trying to justify adultery.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2013 13:28

Agree with Carpe's post. In fact, I've copied it and sent it to my friend who is still reeling and suffering deeply from the affair she entered into.

There is no justification for adultery, just myriad excuses...

Oblomov · 27/12/2013 13:54

OP ?
What was the point of this thread? You are so self absorbed that you didn't hear a word anyone said. You claimed you were listening. But you soooooooo weren't.

nilbyname · 27/12/2013 14:38

I got deleted!!!

My post which was a intended to be deleted, was written as I think that's what the op was expecting, a flaming, instead there just seems to be a collective sign of disappointment, shame on you and what a waste.

So op if you come back, stop being so self indulgent, engage with what is being offered and make w

nilbyname · 27/12/2013 14:38

Some changes.

SELondonSwede · 27/12/2013 14:51

OP, I dont know you, I dont mean to be unkind but here is a reality check. You are hurting and damaging your children right now. Their mummy is emotionally outside their home. Her heart is not with their daddy. Their world as they know it is a lie.

An affair is heartbreaking for everyone. End this now

Fairenuff · 27/12/2013 15:43

Two people in decent marriages who love their spouses and don't want to lose them, but are selfish enough to want something 'extra' to spice up their daily lives

Maybe it's just me but I can't see how it is possible to love someone and be selfish Confused

The two don't go together because loving someone means that you consider their needs as important as your own, more important sometimes.

I can see how someone might want a day to themselves, or a night out with friends once a week or so. But a whole year of selfishness? Nah, that's not love.

ormirian · 27/12/2013 16:09

Just assume it will get discovered. It might and it might not, but assume it will. And then try to imagine the fallout from that. It might help to clarify the issues for you.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 27/12/2013 16:22

After seeing the fall out of affair hit my own brother, all your talking about is yourself and this idiot you say is respectful, he cheating on his wife, your cheating on your husband.

If neither of you dont want to stay married, then end your marriages both you start shagging someone else.

Have either of you thought about what will happen with the kids, will they have to move houses, will yours have to accept a new man in their house, will his have to have a part time dad now, because of cowardly shitty decisions.

Seriously OP, you both need to grow up, get a grip and sort your families out, before you've made a whole mess of misery.

Its disgusting to be honest.

Leavenheath · 27/12/2013 16:22

Not possible to love someone and be selfish?

I think that's entirely possible.

As I think it's impossible for any of us to be selfless or even entirely unselfish 100% of the time. That's just being realistic about the human condition.

I reckon those that have affairs are more selfish than most though.

Fairenuff · 27/12/2013 16:51

That's what I mean though Leaven. To lie to someone and cheat on them for a whole year is beyond selfish, it's deliberately taking advantage, disrespecting and blatantly sticking your fingers up in a 'fuck you' gesture. That is so far from love.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 27/12/2013 16:55

I agree, how can you love someone you have no respect for.

How can you treat someone show shockingly bad and still bleat on about how much you love them.

Only person OP is loving right now is herself, if it werent her boss, it could easily be someone else.

OP should do the honourable thing and tell her DH, and accept the fall out.

Leavenheath · 27/12/2013 17:10

Yeah don't disagree with that but I don't think affairs like this are all that much to do with feelings for existing partners, or anyone else for that matter.

I don't suppose either of them would win Dad or Mum of the year since they've been absorbed in this affair.

Read a sext or hear how the schoolday has gone? No brainer.

Yet no-one would be daft enough to say they didn't love their children eh?

Fairenuff · 27/12/2013 17:17

Actions speak louder than words.

NumptyNameChange · 27/12/2013 17:20

i think it's a mistake to assume everyone who commits adultery does not love their spouse or is totally selfish and some kind of out there 'other'. normal, happy people have affairs all the time. demonising the behaviour, however wrong you think it, is a way of distancing yourself from it and assuming it couldn't happen to you or your spouse imo. a bit like victim blaming (she must have asked for it, fancy going there/wearing that/getting that drunk etc) is a defense mechanism of distancing the possibility and reality that actually it could happen to anyone including you.

dunno - there's an element of the villagers fling dung at the goat here. it's not just monsters who cheat. it's presumably something that is actually very easy to do given how commonly it happens and how often it is totally unexpected when it does.

Fairenuff · 27/12/2013 17:21

But how can you love your spouse and treat them so badly Numpty. That's the thing I can't understand. Why would you even want to hurt the person that you claim to love?

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 27/12/2013 17:28

demonising the behaviour, however wrong you think it, is a way of distancing yourself from it and assuming it couldn't happen to you or your spouse imo

It has happened to me,so im aware it happens, and it hurts like fuck to be treated like the scum on the bottom of my spouses shoe.

NewtRipley · 27/12/2013 17:29

I think you should tell your husband. If you are truly sorry and truly love him then you should give him the power and respect that comes with that, that you have deprived him of. If you don't it will eat you up.

Leavenheath · 27/12/2013 17:30

I do think people get too hung up on affairs automatically being linked to what's going on in the usual relationship, or that they always say something terrible about the feelings for the usual partner.

I think it's often more about people's relationship with themselves and how they feel about themselves than anything else.

I bet these two pride themselves on being good eggs who love their partners and kids, work hard and look after their elderly relatives...but they are selfish enough to think they need a 'reward' for all that and kid themselves that as long as no-one finds out about it, they are hurting no-one.

And yeah I'm sure neither of them have been 'acting' love for their partners for the past year or so, but I wouldn't categorically state they don't feel genuine love for those partners they don't want to lose.

Meanwhile they might be acting love for eachother, but it doesn't make it real love, does it?

NewtRipley · 27/12/2013 17:30

Sorry to be clear - whatI mean is - the power to make informed decisions about his life.