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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm an ow

406 replies

fuckitanyway · 26/12/2013 22:08

I'm in love with a married man. He's my boss.

I am also married and have a lovely life. I love my husband and children. He doesn't hide the fact he loves his family and his wife.

I'm a member of mumsnet for about 7 years now - I'm not trolling - Friday night bumsex, Pom bears etc.

I'm not going to make the bazillion apologies I'm supposed to and know I should because it's ridiculous. I'm mortified, ashamed, I feel such a complete fucking moron at times. I keep doing it - so it's inexcusable and pointless and disingenuous to try rationalise it.

No one plans on leaving anyone. He's 24 years older than me.

It started one year and four months ago and now has run away with me.

I have attempted to post this a million times. I was too much of a coward.

I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry to anyone I've hurt. Could you help me? I understand and accept I'll be flamed.

OP posts:
ashtrayheart · 26/12/2013 22:50

Affairs hurt people but they can be intense, addictive and overwhelming - almost narcotic. I've been there.
But it's not real and it's not sustainable and sooner rather than later the deceit starts to rot you away from the inside until you are second guessing everything and paranoid of being found out. I'm still with the man I had an affair with and my marriage was dead and abusive - but I'm not proud of what I did.

lostdomain · 26/12/2013 22:51

OP, you're not in love with your boss. Love, real love, has depth. It can tolerate the boring stuff, the off-putting, unglamorous stuff in a relationship and still find the glow that is unique in the other person, that makes you love them.

Don't mistake infatuation for love. You're impressed you bagged your boss, he's impressed he got laid by someone 24 years younger than him. these are biological clichés.

the only relationships worth giving energy to are your marriage and your children. if you gave them the attention they deserve you'd have no time or inclination for an affair, however passionate or flattering.

Make a list of stuff you'd love to do with your boss, then go off and do it with your husband. Sneak off in the afternoon with your husband to a hotel, or go for a walk on the beach. Light a bonfire and stay up all night and chat. Put all that romance into your marriage. Get really involved in some family project with your DC.

You need to tend to the roots of your family life and let the affair wither away. You'll be amazed how ordinary and maybe even cheesy or sleazy your boss seems once you have stopped letting the focus of your energy be dictated by your groin.

DontmindifIdo · 26/12/2013 22:51

He's your boss? So he's the one more valuable to the company if it all goes horribly wrong? It's not just your marriage you're risking, it's your career. Do you really think you will be able to keep your job if it comes out? Oh you might not be fired (although you might if it's against company policies), but you'll be side tracked, you'll be the office joke, mind you, you probably are already. People having relationships within the office often think they are being discreet, but more often than not, someone's noticed something and you're probably already a source of gossip and giggles. Have you sent anything via company e-mails that would be embarrassing if read out by your colleagues?!

My advise, whatever you do about your relationship with him or your DH, you should look for a new job in the new year. It might be that once he isn't in a position of power over you, and you aren't seeing him regularly, you find you aren't as interested in seeing him and you can allow it to fizzle out. You might find if he can't have the ease of access to you that working together allows, he might decide it's too much effort and it ends. Or it could be you decide you want to make a go of it, but at least then you wo't be working together and you won't be the office joke at the point you start officially being a couple.

Often when you remove the drama from this sort of relationship, you don't really want it afterall. Move companies, see if you are still interested. It might just solve the problem for you.

ashamedoverthinker · 26/12/2013 22:53

LTB in this LEAVE THE BOSS

What do you get from this affiar that is missing in your own life?

Figure that out and all will become clear. Good Luck

MaeveORave · 26/12/2013 22:53

24 years older than you?

YUCK

lostdomain · 26/12/2013 22:56

Oh and also, I have a theory - wonder what you think of it, since you are asking for opinions. I think married women have affairs when they have just enough energy left over within family life to do something really exciting but lack the guts to make something of their lives.

The energy that could go into setting up a business or re-training or writing a book or similar, instead gets squandered on an affair. What life long dream could you be achieving if you redirected your energy away from the affair and into something genuinely constructive?

Original poster
fuckitanyway · 26/12/2013 22:56

I appreciate this. Both the hard and the kind words. I'm reading twice, thank you all.

OP posts:
Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 26/12/2013 22:59

That's a nice theory, lost domain

My theory is that women who chose to have affairs with men with wives have 'issues' with women.

MaeveORave · 26/12/2013 22:59

Yeh, go abseling or something.

24 years older than you????

Eeeeooooow.

scaevola · 26/12/2013 23:03

Anyone who shags their boss needs to keep their CV up to date. That's a basic.

musicismylife · 26/12/2013 23:05

And I'm sorry, op, your boss has not 'struck gold' being with you Hmm. He has, however, with his wife.

What he has struck with you is that tacky imitation 'gold' you get off of the market that turns your skin green.

Stop deluding yourself.

I suggest you leave your husband so that he can 'strike gold', too.

InTheRedCorner · 26/12/2013 23:06

There fall ot at work and at home is massive.

No home and no job and a whole heap of guilt.

Or you could end up togeather spending weekends with DC that hate you both because your actions caused so much damage.

ChelseaBun · 26/12/2013 23:15

I think u shoud confess all to ur dh. He deserves to make s choice about his future. The shit will hit the fan and i dont recommend it if ur dh is likely to b violent. Bettter u tell him now than he find out cos u slip up.

clarinsgirl · 26/12/2013 23:16

OP, I don't know what to do

Really? It's quite simple - stop shagging your Boss, leave your job, figure out if your marriage is worth saving and either work on it or leave.

The problem is not that you don't know what to do. The problem is that you are selfish, deceitful and hurtful to those you claim to love.

MaybeABitLikeTigger · 26/12/2013 23:25

OP, you know what you are doing isn't great so no flaming from here.
Having read the thread it seems as if you have been swallowed by the affair, feel in love with the man, and know it cannot work out as nobody is going to leave anyone.
My advice to you is to get another job ASAP as continuing working together isnt a good idea. Stop the affair. You might feel sucked into it but you need to come clean to your boss/lover and say that you need to stop it as you do not feel in control anymore. Please don't share the fact that you are looking for another job with him.
Finally, invest your energy in your marriage. If it doesn't work out you can take decisions later. Good luck!

ImperialBlether · 26/12/2013 23:25

People often talk about someone who's in a happy marriage and also having an affair as having their cake and eating it.

I see it as them having only half a cake. Half a life.

When you're having an affair, you can't be yourself in your own home. You have to be guarded. One false note and you'll give the game away. If you just once use the wrong name - just one word, but it means so much - or say, "Remember when we did...?" or "Remember when we went to...?" will give the game away.

It's incredibly stressful, isn't it? It must be like walking on eggshells.

If you do love your family, I think you'd do well to move job and end the affair. I think there's still time to make things right. I don't think, if you and he were found out, that your boyfriend would opt to stay with you. And if he did, what would that be like? 24 years is a hell of a lot, you know. It wouldn't be like living with someone your own age.

Fairenuff · 26/12/2013 23:33

Oh, what a shame you have brought all this heartache to your family for so little gain. It sounds like you get no joy or fun out of the affair, just guilt, worry and loss. How sad.

I'm not sure what you are asking though. You say you want to continue the deceit so, what's your problem?

FunnyFestiveTableRunner · 26/12/2013 23:36

You're a fool OP. You have a lovely family and you're willing to throw it away to be a cliché. Whatever is missing in your life will not be found on the end of your boss's cock.

Find some self respect. More importantly find some respect for the innocent parties in this. You should be ashamed of how you are behaving as should he. Don't delude yourselves - this is a tawdry little pack of lies. I feel so sorry for your spouses and children who are stumbling around unaware that you could drop a bomb on their lives with one careless word.

tribpot · 26/12/2013 23:39

You think you'll never get caught. You realise everyone thinks that, right?

You think that no-one at work knows. There was a couple in my office having an affair. They were convinced no-one knew. In reality they might as well have been wearing t-shirts that said 'I'm fucking that one'. Everyone knew.

You will get caught. Don't think this is some cosy little secret.

Genuine question: how would you feel if you found out your husband had a mistress? How about if your boss-lover had another girlfriend?

Christmascandles · 26/12/2013 23:51

Your bosses wife will know, she may not know what she knows. But she knows something's not right. This may not be the first time he has decided to shag around.
She may be looking for evidence right now, this very second. And when she finds it, cos she will, she will confront him and he will firstly deny that you even exist, then that you mean nothing to him.
Trust me, he will.
She will then demand that he either changes jobs, or gets rid of you. And if he's the boss I'm guessing that he can find a way to do this.
You will then have to explain to your DH why you have lost your job for a seemingly silly reason. It won't make sense to him. So you lie to him again....
If you're lucky your bosses wife won't tell your husband. I guess it depends how many times he's done this previously. And just how fucking pissed off she is.
Sort it out OP. if you don't love your DH then leave him so he can find someone who will love him and treat him with a bit of respect.

Fairenuff · 26/12/2013 23:59

Yes, when you say 'I love my husband', I'm not really sure you understand what love means. When you love someone you genuinely care about their welfare. You want to cherish and protect them.

You don't want to lie to them, to hurt and deceive them.

It's pretty clear that you don't actually love your husband so maybe it's best to end that relationship too and give him a chance of true happiness with someone who will treat him with the respect he deserves?

bringoutthepringles · 27/12/2013 00:00

Get over yourself. If you truly love your Husband and Children, that should give you the strength to do the right thing and walk away from this squalid affair. Just think how much pain it would cause your family if they ever found out.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 27/12/2013 00:39

What's the most important thing in your life?
What could you not do without?

I'm guessing your children.

I'm also guessing that your children are young enough to be very affected by all this.

Are you ok with the potential fall out from this? Let's be fair, you and your boss are not going to run away into the sunset and live happily ever after are you. After all, he loves his wife and family. He isn't going to leave them for you. So when this blows up you could well be out of a job, out of your marriage and out of your home.

How would you feel without your 'lovely life'?
How would you feel if you lost your job? (quite likely)
How would you feel without your husband? If he felt nothing but contempt for you?
How would you feel if you had to move out of your family home?
Would you be ok if you couldn't spend your weekends with your children?
Would it break your heart if you had to spend every other Christmas Day/Birthday/etc without your children?
What if your children decided they wanted to live with their father?

You deserve to be happy. But that doesn't mean that everyone else deserves to be miserable in the process.

Decide what you want. Take some time out if you need to.

I'm not flaming you OP, I hope you can work out what you really want. And I hope that you and the people you love do not get hurt in the process.

PPaka · 27/12/2013 00:50

Every time I see a thread like this I think it's going to be the woman that ruined mine and ds's life, forever

My life
And a little boys life
A beautiful happy little boy whose life will never be the same

NumptyNameChange · 27/12/2013 01:06

that would have been his father who did that - not the woman he had sex with PP.

OP you were obviously going to get slaughtered on here. thing is, with all the flaming, there's been no space to explore what's going on and why you're doing this.

i don't think being told you're selfish, bad and should stop it is really going to help. would you consider going to see a counsellor? i think you could do with someone to talk this through with who can listen and help you without projecting their own stuff at you.