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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm an ow

406 replies

fuckitanyway · 26/12/2013 22:08

I'm in love with a married man. He's my boss.

I am also married and have a lovely life. I love my husband and children. He doesn't hide the fact he loves his family and his wife.

I'm a member of mumsnet for about 7 years now - I'm not trolling - Friday night bumsex, Pom bears etc.

I'm not going to make the bazillion apologies I'm supposed to and know I should because it's ridiculous. I'm mortified, ashamed, I feel such a complete fucking moron at times. I keep doing it - so it's inexcusable and pointless and disingenuous to try rationalise it.

No one plans on leaving anyone. He's 24 years older than me.

It started one year and four months ago and now has run away with me.

I have attempted to post this a million times. I was too much of a coward.

I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry to anyone I've hurt. Could you help me? I understand and accept I'll be flamed.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 26/12/2013 22:29

Well, it sounds as though you and him are happy as things are, your families are blissfully unaware and you don't say you want to stop. So I guess you just keep on as you are? No harm done.

Original poster
fuckitanyway · 26/12/2013 22:30

Fuck!!!! I'm taking everything you're saying in board. I prob need it. Someone asks does he love me? Pah - I don't know. Naturally he tells me he does and all the thinks he's supposed to say. Believe it or not, I'm not completely stupid - I'm 24 years younger than him, don't want to upset his family or mine ever - he knows this. He's prob hit gold.

OP posts:
redundantandbitter · 26/12/2013 22:30

It will End in tears. Hopefully just yours and not everyone else's involved.

Original poster
fuckitanyway · 26/12/2013 22:31

Yes, I'll never, ever, ever hurt his family or m

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 26/12/2013 22:31

Well I have a friend, very happily married by the looks of things (and what she says) who is having an affair with a married man, also happy all accounts. I think they meet up every 6 weeks or so for dinner and sex.... I've never met him or anything but she talks about him a bit and it sounds like friends with benefits, but they are married. It's all very odd.

OP I am not going to sit here and lecture you, but it sounds to me that you are growing out of this arrangement and the benefits are no longer outweighed by the cost or risk of your DH finding out. How hard will it be to extricate yourself?

musicismylife · 26/12/2013 22:32

But you are already hurting his family and yours, op.

InTheRedCorner · 26/12/2013 22:33

Ghost has said it so better than I could. I was going to say you are a pair of selfish cunts that deserve each other but there you go.

Original poster
fuckitanyway · 26/12/2013 22:33

Yes, I'll never, ever hurt his family or mine. I know he won't upset mine. He's respectful at all times. It IS selfish - it's having the cake and eating it. He makes me happy, i believe I make him happy. We love our people at home - that's never hid. Imc

OP posts:
scaevola · 26/12/2013 22:34

I don't think the phrase "the likes of me" is terribly helpful.

I suspect you're posting because it's Christmas, you're not happy at home and you've realised your MM isn't that bothered about you. It's a pretty standard 'tinsel off' moment.

That's why forging ahead independently could make a world of difference to you, and even though you might not quite see it now is kinder to your DH than sustained betrayal and more honest towards your DC (who don't need to know the ins and outs, but don't deserve to be iin a home to which one parent is not committed).

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA · 26/12/2013 22:35

You may well be 24 years younger than him, but don't be fooled, he wont be falling at your feet thinking he is not worthy - he will just be thinking of you as a dalliance, some men play golf, some men play x box - he is playing you. No more, no less.

How is your marriage? are there stresses? is this escapism?

You must have low self esteem - work on this and this will free you from this man, then you can rediscover your marriage. You are looking for reassurance that you are desirable, sexy and fun - your DH probably doesn't do this (because after a while we get into routines and it can feel a bit bland, i know) but I would trade sexy and fun for safe and loved any day of the week when push come to shove an i am sure you will. YOU need to start believing that you are the person you want to be and don't look at mr slimeball boss to validate yourself, you have to do this yourself.

musicismylife · 26/12/2013 22:35

He's respectful at all times

Op, he's cheating on his wife.

StrawberryMojito · 26/12/2013 22:36

If you're a regular then you will know that affairs get discovered all the time. So your intentions not to hurt anyone will be fruitless. It will get found out, people will be devastated. You know this but I suspect you will carry on regardless.

Whatnext074 · 26/12/2013 22:36

He's respectful at all times

Except to his wife and family!

KepekCrumbs · 26/12/2013 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Golddigger · 26/12/2013 22:36

You are living a fantasy life, which I think you realise.
You are trying to surpress the guilty feelings, bit they wont quite go away.

pickledsiblings · 26/12/2013 22:37

OP, I don't doubt that you love your DH and DC but I'm not sure if you love yourself. End it with the OM, new year = fresh start, don't pollute it with this pathetic affair. Your marriage can still be a beautiful special thing, we all make mistakes; forgive yourself and move on.

Golddigger · 26/12/2013 22:37

Good point about the low self esteem.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 26/12/2013 22:37

Do you have a difficult relationship with your mother or a sister?

How did the concept of sisterhood pass you by?

goshhhhhh · 26/12/2013 22:40

If they find out they will be hurt. I was.

He didn't mean me to find out. He had stopped. I still found out. I was still heartbroken.

It was a very brief fling not over a year. & I was still hurt.

We worked it out & 10 years later it is better then ever & it so nearly wasn't.

Are you prepared to risk it all because that is what you are doing.

Casmama · 26/12/2013 22:43

You are totally fucking delusional- you will never hurt your families!

specialsubject · 26/12/2013 22:45

you are no worse than he is, and no better.

please stop. Unless you no longer love your husband, in which case stop wasting his time and cheating him and leave.

your boyfriend should do the same.

tell you something for nothing - with an age gap like that, he is unlikely to be after you for what is between your ears.

we all make mistakes - even though this is a doozy - but you can stop making this one.

HorsePetal · 26/12/2013 22:47

So if your husband finds out and his wife finds out - then what?

Would your marriage survive an affair? Would his?

Do you EVER think about the children? The damaging effect on them if both families break up?

neiljames77 · 26/12/2013 22:48

Would anybody suggest that she should tell her DH even if she ends it with MM? She'll still have the guilt to live with won't she? Every time her DH does something nice for her or pays her a compliment, isn't she going to feel like crap for betraying him for over a year?

redundantandbitter · 26/12/2013 22:48

OP you can't possibly imagine the pain and hurt that ensues when both your worlds come crashing down. Really, stir a look at your home life. If its shit then be constructive about it, if its salvageable then put the effort in.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I wish someone had posted me these words and is taken my own advice.

Detach from mm now. Please .

lunar1 · 26/12/2013 22:49

You are hurting your family. i think you should go get tested for all the diseases you might be exposing your poor husband to.

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