I'm an ow

[fuckitanyway]

I'm in love with a married man. He's my boss.

I am also married and have a lovely life. I love my husband and children. He doesn't hide the fact he loves his family and his wife.

I'm a member of mumsnet for about 7 years now - I'm not trolling - Friday night bumsex, Pom bears etc.

I'm not going to make the bazillion apologies I'm supposed to and know I should because it's ridiculous. I'm mortified, ashamed, I feel such a complete fucking moron at times. I keep doing it - so it's inexcusable and pointless and disingenuous to try rationalise it.

No one plans on leaving anyone. He's 24 years older than me.

It started one year and four months ago and now has run away with me.

I have attempted to post this a million times. I was too much of a coward.

I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry to anyone I've hurt. Could you help me? I understand and accept I'll be flamed.

Leaven

I agree that this can be the case

And I agree that some Mumsnetters kid themselves that this could never happen to them, because their DHs so obviously love them, aren't 'the type', are shy, quiet and hardworking.

Yet time and time again, posters write about their normally loving, cautious spouses who no-one ever thought would cheat, doing just that.

Then there's the mantra from a sizeable proportion of mumsnetters about affairs being hurtful only if they are found out, so when a woman posts about a fling, she gets told not to burden her husband with her own guilt and he's better off not knowing because it will hurt too much

You can definitely see why some people who don't want to stop an affair manage to convince themselves that as long as no-one knows, no-one hurts. Thousands of mumsnetters seem to think the same way after all.

but it doesn't make it real love, does it?

There is no such thing.

Love is a "do" not a "say", what love looks like, feels like, behaves like ... reflects the subject, not the verb.

It's not a constant, it changes as we strive to be better, or cut our selves "special helplessness dispensation" to do what our fluffy bits (for example) really rather would prefer.

Which is more or less why "Love is all you need" is a steaming pile of bollocks.

Love ..... plus backbone, determined self awareness and a large serving of principles held fast even when it hurts, is a bit nearer to it.

Yes, the damage is done. Whether people find out or not, the hurt has happened already. A lot of people don't get that.

love means different things to different people - it isn't a thing in and of itself that can be quantified or classified as real or not.

it's also a fact, that i can't relate to personally but have known people for whom it is true, that some people can love two people at once, or be totally in love with one person and perfectly capable of having sex with another and not seeing the latter as negating the former.

i know everyone wants it to be dead simple but it's not.

i've never cheated or been the ow and don't think i could but i know some people can whilst still very much loving their partner and without turning into a monster in other areas of their life. much as one person could never steal anything ever and another doesn't feel bad if it's from a big multi national but would never steal from an independent etc sexual morality like any other ethical position varies from person to person.

maybe put yourelf in the wife's shoes the day she finds out
read some of the posts on here of women who have been cheated on.

I am sure it is possible to love two people at once. But I don't see how it is possible to love someone and deceive them at the same time. Unless it is for their own good. Perhaps others don't rate honesty and if their partner was cheating they would rather not know. I don't know. I can't understand how anyone can say they love someone they are cheating on.

Maybe I'm a bit cynical and unromantic but I don't see romantic love as always being an entirely altruistic thing where the person's needs are always and forever put before our own or are even always on a par with our own.

But I think like this about other forms of love too and for me, motherhood is a good example where the ideal that's often held up is selfless sacrifice which few can (or should IMO) ever sustain.

So just as it's possible to love a partner deeply and yet still behave very selfishly at times, it's possible to love a child deeply and yet be selfish at times too.

I think the best parents are mostly altruistic but it's never possible to be entirely so, 100% of the time.

And the best couples are altruistic in their love some of the time, consider their partners' needs as equal to theirs most of the time, but who acknowledge that there will be times when both put their needs above everyone else's in the pecking order.

I don't see selfishness in itself negating love.

And I don't think anyone in a long-term relationship always loves 100%, all of the time.

In a way, I'd rather people be a bit realistic about this than having overly romantic notions that being attracted to someone else, feeling infatuation and even having an affair automatically means not loving an existing partner.

If people perhaps weren't brainwashed into believing this unattainable ideal of romantic love, maybe they wouldn't feel compelled to treat their partners so unlovingly when an affair starts and to believe this cobblers that 'loving' someone else (even if love is what it's believed to be, rather than 'new infatuation') means it's not possible to love the original partner.

I do take your point Fairenuff about how conflicting it is to love someone and to deceive them, but I think this is yet another crock of shite that gets sold to the masses. That what the eye can't see, can't hurt and that the deceit itself is an act of love and protection.

No-one ever seems to recognise how badly they are hurting partners and kids while the affair is going on, do they? They think they are 'compartmentalising' and the two worlds aren't colliding at all.

I agree that love means different things to different people. So for me, I can see how I might be infatuated with a new partner who I only saw in secret and not in dull, ordinary everyday situations- while still loving DH- but I don't think it would be possible for me personally to love two men. Love for me only comes from knowing someone really well and seeing them in every conceivable situation where they feel able to show all their 'sides'. Everything else is just 'new shoes'...

I never said that love had to be altruistic or a selfless sacrifice, etc.

Just that if you love someone, the very least you can do is treat them with common decency.

I get what the OP means. She loves the impact her relationship with her dh has on her. Her stable home, home comforts, her children, etc. But she does not love him, as an individual.

If it were a straight choice between her husband and her affair partner, with no other people involved, she would not choose her husband. She doesn't care about him. If she really loved him it would break her heart to treat him like this and she just wouldn't be able to do it.

I don't agree with that last statement, nor do I think we can 'know' that.

If it were a level playing field, I think the OP might well choose her husband.

Most do choose their spouses after all, when they are found out, if they are given the chance. And yeah of course the kids, the house and the whole status thing are factors, but people who are selfish enough to have an affair are generally too selfish to stay in relationships with people they don't love, when they really love someone else and they've got the choice to go to them.

It's often when the playing field is equalised and when people realise what they stand to lose that 'love' that was taken for granted and left dormant through lack of effort, becomes an animate 'real' thing again. It's often at that point too when the affair 'love' is exposed for the shallow infatuation it was.

Fairenuff I agree with your points.

No matter how many words are said, this comes down to real life people, real life feelings. I actually believe you can love 2 people at once. Human beings arent necessarily as swans, wanting & being with only 1 mate for life. But its the deceit that changes things for me - where I love, I do not deceive nor seek anyone to condone that. If I love someone I cant look them in the eye day to day, knowing that I am sharing myself, my feelings, my body with someone else, as well as him. That may sound old fashioned..but I believe in common decency. Some people will play this game as despite not being able to be with who they truly love, they selfishly dont want to be alone. So they keep up the selfish facade. & if the OPs husband found out about the deceit and left her, then all the words and theories in the world wont change a damn thing. Real life..real people..real feelings.

Stepping away from all the academic arguments for a minute, give yourself a slap in the face and wake up. This man is using you, you are using your DH, the whole situation is going to come down like a house of cards round your ears. When (and I say when not if, because it really is when) your DH finds out you stand to lose him, your lifestyle, and MM. If your DH is the lovely man you say I can guarantee he won't be on his own for long. Is that what you want? To lose everything? You can't have it all, you have to choose. You don't seem happy with the situation you are currently in so make that choice.

New year, new start and I wish you well. Life is too short to be miserable. Your misery if of your own making, which if you think about it is actually a good thing because it means it is within your power to change things.

Thank you for your replies. There's too many to reply to individually but I do want you to know, having taken time out of your day to respond that it has been appreciated - I've read each one at least twice and have found all your opinions helpful and insightful.

I can't make any excuse for this, I sound like an idiot - probably because I am one but there is no excuse.
I know what I should do, I agree with everything that has been said on the thread. It's all completely selfish - nothing more or less. I know I shouldn't be doing it in the first place. I feel incredibly stupid and never, ever, ever thought I'd be capable of this, yet here I am and I can't seem to be able to stop! I feel almost trapped and consumed by the whole thing.

I can't leave this job. Can't explain too much but it's not an option which is unfortunate because changing jobs would likely solve a lot.

We don't contact each other ever outside of work ever.

What was the purpose of this thread?

I think I wanted someone to tell me how to stop while still having to see him/ spend so much time with in. I've fucked up massively and now feel out of control over the situation. The general advise seems to be to cut all contact (other threads) but it's not possible for me and I don't know what to do. I have tried before by the way - a million times. The last time lasted 3 weeks.

You're addicted is all but like all addictions, you'll only kick it when you no longer have a choice- or being free of it becomes more appealing. Taking the drama out of it might help. You might feel trapped and consumed by it, but you're not really. Plus, it might be easier than you think to go cold turkey and mean it, but you'll never know till you try.

What are you trying to escape from, I wonder?

What has failed in you that has worked in the past, when coping with life's challenges?

I can't think of a single scenario in this that has a happy ending.

I'm addicted - that's right! You're right, I think that's exactly it.

I am genuinely in love with him, but know I've no right to be. I also will just have to take any upset I feel over a 'break up' because I know I deserve it and I have brought this on myself. It's not this that's worrying me so much. I'm obviously selfish but not completely deluded. It might sound hard to believe but I really do feel sick to my stomach when I think of the families we've dragged into this.

It's how to do it when spending the amount of time we do together. It seems impossible to me right now. I genuinely have tried. Obviously not hard enough - I know.

And it's ridiculous cos he deserves it too but I am worried about hurting or upsetting him.

I finished it quite recently actually, the one that lasted 3 weeks. He wouldn't see this coming and I worry that I'm inadvertently playing mind games with him (again, I know that sounds stupid). He does know I struggle massively with the whole thing though.

Who said something about compartmentalising the whole thing? That rang through - cos he says this but I know it's bullshite. Reading what you've all said helps though - cos I think I do this compartmentalising thing, try to make it ok although I know it's not in my own mind and rationalise the whole thing. I think I'm going to have to keep re reading this thread for a continuous reality check. It's played done between us a lot and in moments I think I almost believe the 'what no one knows won't hurt them' bollocks

anyway - the job has to go. It is hard, it is going to change the world as you know it but it has to go. You know this, we all know this. And after all there are worse things happening in the world all around you than giving up a job, a lifestyle, a position, a certain house, status... whatever it is. There is serious illness, civil war in more than one country for heaven's sake - we are most of us here sitting in clover. Count your blessings.

You don't have to TRY, you have to DO IT. It will be hard, and then it will get better. No one will die. There will be life afterwards.

Who DO you want to be?

*down

You don't have to try, you have to do it. This is it- I know.

I do want to be the type of person I always thought I was, high principles and morals. Families aside even, I can barely look at myself in the mirror anymore as I know what I've done/ am doing is disgusting.

sweetie - you are not in love with him. You're not. You can kick this. You can. This doesn't define you. It's what you do now that will show your mettle.

I think I wanted someone to tell me how to stop while still having to see him

But you don't want to stop. Nowhere on this thread have you said you want to stop the affair.

Until you want to, or circumstances force you to, you won't do it. You are already using the most feeble excuse as a reason to 'fail'. Oh dear, I tried my best, sob, sob.