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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm an ow

406 replies

fuckitanyway · 26/12/2013 22:08

I'm in love with a married man. He's my boss.

I am also married and have a lovely life. I love my husband and children. He doesn't hide the fact he loves his family and his wife.

I'm a member of mumsnet for about 7 years now - I'm not trolling - Friday night bumsex, Pom bears etc.

I'm not going to make the bazillion apologies I'm supposed to and know I should because it's ridiculous. I'm mortified, ashamed, I feel such a complete fucking moron at times. I keep doing it - so it's inexcusable and pointless and disingenuous to try rationalise it.

No one plans on leaving anyone. He's 24 years older than me.

It started one year and four months ago and now has run away with me.

I have attempted to post this a million times. I was too much of a coward.

I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry to anyone I've hurt. Could you help me? I understand and accept I'll be flamed.

OP posts:
nooka · 27/12/2013 01:35

If the OP wanted to do something about her situation she wouldn't be here effectively bragging about it though would she?

The fact is that neither the OP or her lover 'love' their families however much they may believe they do. They are indulging in a fantasy where no one else's feelings matter very much.

OP there is nothing brave about you posting here, under a changed anonymous name, telling everyone that you are behaving very badly and have no intention of doing what you already know is the right thing.

Start applying for a new job, stop sleeping with your boss (and how incredibly sleazy is that?) and put your energies into your family where they belong. You are already hurting your husband and children. Stop.

babycow38 · 27/12/2013 01:40

Im not going to flame you, im not going to blame you, you are nothing to me, but the one thing i HAVE to say to you as well as the OW my EX was with, STOP being so self serving, self pittying, you were the one who made your decisions, own it and say yes , im not that brilliant, i caused pain to my fami;y and another family, but the self pittying has to stop, move on , be with your man and get another life, one im sadly going to say is based on lies and your kids sadness xx

AlaskaNebraska · 27/12/2013 01:47

How do you think you won't be found out. How do you communicate

bringoutthepringles · 27/12/2013 01:52

"I don't know what to do". Yeh right. You know exactly what the right thing is to do.

MistressDeeCee · 27/12/2013 05:55

Whilst I wouldnt flame you necessarily OP, I dont get why youre on here saying 'sorry'. Show you are sorry by ending this sordid relationship before too many people get hurt. You need to do this in the real world and then seek help, counselling etc if thats what you feel you need. Your behaviour is unfair, but then you know that. I suppose its love thats binding you. But love based on lies and secrecy, is a poor kind of love. So be kind to yourself and the unknowing players in this scenario - your husband & children, his wife & children - and just end it. Furthermore dont let yourself be used as a bit on the side for a married man, who is safe in the knowledge youre married so youll never be any hassle to him in terms of demands to leave, etc. A woman should think far more of herself than that. You have taken vows with another man - stop making a mockery of him, he doesnt deserve that. I hope you find the strength to do the right thing. Good luck.

musicismylife · 27/12/2013 06:56

Close your legs & open your mouth. Tell your boss to do one & concentrate on the things that really matter.

Because when the brown stuff hits the fan & your husband finds out, what then?

Grow up and do what's right. This is real life with real people in it.

EirikurNoromaour · 27/12/2013 07:15

Ugh your life must just be so horrible.

BonaDrag · 27/12/2013 07:26

Yuck, fucking your geriatric boss. I hope after all that he's giving you decent pay rises.

Xenadog · 27/12/2013 07:39

OP I am not going to judge you - you have made choices and you live with the consequences and it really is that simple. TBH I find your story boring and dull. I don't care about the fact you have decided to "have your cake and eat it" for a short while - it WILL only be for a short while too but I imagine you know that.

Continue your affair or don't but be aware this may well cost you far more than you ever could imagine. I am sure you will at some point be posting on here about how terrible things have worked out for you but again I imagine it will be a boring cliché. Sorry.

Joysmum · 27/12/2013 07:40

You don't love your husband.

True love is lived not just felt. It's when you put your wants way below the wants and needs of the people you love.

You only love yourself to be able to be so selfish.

RalphRecklessCardew · 27/12/2013 07:48

Ok, so you need a new job. Could you apply for one right away or would you need to retrain? Would it help to break it down into steps? Write CV, etc... Once you're in a new post with new people it'll be a lot easier to stop this daft affair.

Please don't tell your husband.

higgle · 27/12/2013 07:50

Could you tell us what it is that you get from your relationship with your boss? is it great sex, being his special confidente, really good quality times but little else? This affair is a little bit different to most of those mentioned on here, it seems to be a realtionship of convenience as neither party wants to leave their spouse. You need to be honest with yourself OP about what you want, because if you want this to continue - and the chances are it will fizzle out after a time anyway - I don't imagine you will get much sympathy on here, but you will be one ofa large communty who live their lives this way and it might be helpful to chat to a specialist agon aunt on one of the sites that deal with these issues.

nilbyname · 27/12/2013 08:00

Op- you're not really engaging with any if the posts here which I find weird.

Tell your husband you d

nilbyname · 27/12/2013 08:02

This reply has been deleted

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Fairenuff · 27/12/2013 09:34

I think the only reason OP posted was to get it off her chest. Lots of ow do this on mn. They cannot relieve their feelings of guilt by telling anyone in rl so they come here.

Women like that are users. We have been used. We have served our purpose, OP won't be back.

DontmindifIdo · 27/12/2013 10:18

I think the OP might have been struggling with Christmas, it's the time you don't see your OM, are with your family 24/7 and the time you realise what it is your risking.

OP, if you come back to this, you might want to take on board the advice to move jobs, if nothing else. Look at it this way, people will know. They will. You will not be as discreet as you think. For now, i'ts amusing for your colleagues, but if you get promoted or a pay rise, they might start loudly discussing why you got it. You can never take your DH to a works do or take the risk of someone feeling bitter and deciding to tell him.

You might find that when you arne't seeing your OM at work every day and having the drama attached to it, your emotions aren't so strong. Or you might find that actually, being apart from him focusses the mind for both of you and you decide to make a go of it. But at least then, you will know you gave yourself the space.

Golddigger · 27/12/2013 10:34

Posting on this board would help them offload, but does nothing about the real problem.
Yes, looks like she wont be back.
Hope she starts to work through her real problems.

Maria33 · 27/12/2013 11:03

Why do you want to stay in your marriage? The house, the car, the appearance of happy families? What is the point? Everyone lying so it looks perfect?

What a fucked up environment to grow up in. You only live one life. You should live it authentically and give the husband you love so much, the opportunity to do the same.

You think that hiding this is protecting your dc and dh? It's just protecting you from their disappointment and anger. Growing up in lies is much more damaging than growing up understanding that your parents are flawed.

Make this right. Get a therapist, be honest in therapy and let them help you find a way to sort out this mess.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2013 11:32

musicismylife... what a horrible post; your first one was making silly assumptions about this man's marriage? Perhaps you've been embittered by your experiences but... Hmm

fuckitanyway... Firstly, no flaming from me. Why are you having this affair and what are you getting out of it? What happened to make you decide on this course of action? I can imagine that you've thought through the scenarios, realised that you neither want to leave your marriage but that you don't want to give up your lover either? How does your lover feel about the affair - does he want to protect his marriage with the same vigour as you want to protect yours or perhaps, more?

You need to plan your 'exit strategy'; decide a point beyond which you WILL NOT GO. To get to that decision you'll need to work out what your 'acceptable losses' would be, which will be the worse case scenario based on whether this affair is common knowledge. It may be suspected but not yet known at your workplace. Work out what you will do about your job should you need to leave it. What kind of man (not lover) is your boss? How do you think he would deal with that if your affair is discovered by his wife?

Really think about what you're doing and how far you are willing to risk what you have, try to look at it without your 'affair goggles'.

mammadiggingdeep · 27/12/2013 11:42

I know everybody is welcome to post here- of course. It is a place for anybody to come and get help and support.

hOWEVER...I must say, I find this a bit self indulgent on the ops behalf. Woe is me- I feel so bad! I'm having my cake and eating it but I can't finish it!

I think lots if posters have hit the nail on the head- op was feeling sad over Xmas. Probably got given a lovely gift from her dh and felt extra guilty.

Stop being so very selfish. You are betraying your husband and your children. As one wise poster said upthread "did the sisterhood pass you by?". You are fucking another woman's husband. Stop it and get over yourself.

CarpeVinum · 27/12/2013 11:53

I don't know what to do.

I don't think that is the right answer to seek.

Think less "what to do", more ... who to be.

Once you know who you are, what you stand for, what principles you claim to have that hold fast even when it hurts, the rest will follow. You'll know what to do then, becuase it will be a natural consequence of who you are.

Aim high lovie. Because as much as the stretch throbs, grinds and hurts, it is nothing like as painful and degrading as spending your life at the bottom end of the human personality pool.

FloWhite · 27/12/2013 11:55

^^this.

mammadiggingdeep · 27/12/2013 11:56

Carpe. Brilliant post.

^ what carpe said....

QuintessentialShadows · 27/12/2013 12:01

Well he is your boss, so in reality you are paid for your services, I can see why it is difficult to stop, you are scared of losing your job.

But come on, who likes being paid for sexual favours? If you dont like to service a mans dick for payment, resign your job.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 27/12/2013 12:02

Just as husbands who are cheats and abusers have a script so do the other women.

You are already hurting your husband and children. Why are you hurting those you love?

You clearly have a huge opinion of yourself, why not use that to do the right thing and leave your boss alone and tell your husband what you have been doing?

Why did you post this and what is it you really want?