living with an abusive alcoholic

[vxm123]

I'm in a really unhappy marriage with a guy who won't control his drinking, and is emotionally abusive. I have a gorgeous 2 yr old & no support in rl. I didn't know where to post do hoping someone can point me in the right direction.

Carpe has it spot on. You are not too weak to leave and take your boy to a safe peaceful life, I can hear your strength in your "voice", vxm. You feel weak because you are seeing yourself through your husband's lens, and because you are exhausted. He is draining your energy, the effort of simply co- existing with him is sapping you. You will feel stronger if you can get away, even if it's only for an afternoon.

Nothing that you tell us about your DH can surprise or shock us, and you'll be amazed by how much real life people will know and understand too. I remember feeling so ashamed, so churned up, so dark, how had I let this happen to me? But when I slowly started to confide in people, they already knew, and they never blamed me. I wish I'd had MN then!

Please try to take a little break out of the house with your son, and please try to confide in someone if you possibly can. Sending you hugs (( )) and a big squeeze for your DS ((( )))).

I am so cut off. It's years of sadness (emotional abuse?). I'm also quite a proud person.

I spoke to my mother & she said dh is not a bad man, its a woman's job to make a home. He's got nobody helping him to have insight so i should be patient & persevere (she knows I am a shell of who I was)

Ok.

I have gone off your mum a bit. I'm sure she means well, but... no. Just no. It's not 1950 anymore, we don't have to suck up shit and fritter away our one, single, short life and the future happiness of our children in the name of "Stand by Your Man" anymore.

Sweetie, who else is there ? A sister, auntie, cousin, old friend ?

No no no. I'm sorry love, I'm going to be bossy now. It is not a woman's job to make a home all by herself, keep her DH on an even keel, be responsible for a man's happiness. I'm sure your Mum means well, but no. Remember that as the partner of someone with alcoholism, you did not cause it, you cannot cure it.

It is a parent's job to provide their DC with a safe, peaceful home. Your DH cannot or will not do that, so you must, and you will .

I remember overhearing my SIL comment to my MIL "Mr Lizzie drinks far too much" and MIL replying "Yes, but it's Lizzie's fault, why doesn't she stop him?" It was awful, and I knew in that moment that the only person who could stop him was him. And I was so angry, if she really thought his addiction could be "fixed" , why hadn't she stopped him years before?

I think it's partly a generational thing, and borne out of fear as well. Other people in whom I confided saw it for what it was, his problem to deal with.

ooh no no no please.. not your job. And as Lizzie said. My parents and his parents.. 'why can't you stop him? you must MAKE him'. How helpful that was to me when I was being held at knifepoint :-(
Remember .. you didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
I am repeating Lizzie there, to emphasise the point. Accepting that made all the difference to me. I'm currently have a thread of my own re my alcoholic ex. Biggest mistake I ever made was to return to him. It's rare that they stay recovered for long. Sorry to be pessimistic.
Best thing I ever did? leaving him for good and sticking to it. And I didn't have support. It was that or go under with him.
I go to Al Anon 3 -4 times a week. The average person is an adult who's childhood was wrecked by alcoholism. Without exception, all wish the sober parent had left for good (taking them with them) or left earlier than they did, if they did manage to leave.
No to standing by your man. Stand by YOU. And your child.

I believed my ex deserved.. compassion, help, understanding, no matter how abusive he was. He got all that..even recently again though I'm not with him, oh I should've known better..he reeled me in again with sob stories and i fell for it. As a result i have abuse hurled at me again and my parents being harrassed, just for merely keeping contact as i was concerned about him.... it always backfires.. i know it's my own personal case but kindness always subjected me to more abuse... it's a serious, life threatening illness in his DNA... i don't believe in long term recovery personally.. just a matter of stablising it till it all goes wrong again. I know there are amazing success stories but in my own view.. few and far between. It's like living with a bomb waiting to go off again

Vxm how are you? Sorry I disappeared, I was naughty and got suspended

I've had a quick read and I really am at your mum . From what you've said you're parents have no experience of the reality of living with someone with a drinking problem.

Please don't listen to mum - it's not your job!! If she thinks that wY isn't it your dh job to protect and provide for your ds and you.

You must always remember - none if this is your fault! Nothing you could have done or said could've changed your dh. He chose to drink........he may not have chosen this situation but he chose to take the path that has brought you here. I always believe alcoholics chose to drink - it's not a disease, this is an excuse to hide behind. Cancer is a disease, alcoholism is a choice

I'm always here is you want to vent or ask anything about how my life was and is - this goes for anyone else too

Lovey, your mum's wrong. Not because she doesn't love you or because she doesn't want the best for you, but because people who live nice civilised lives with nice civilised non-addicted partners just don't know how it is. Hell, even some of us who've lived through it didn't realise how it is for years.

It's not your job to stop him drinking, it's not your job to stop him being abusive. Even if it were your job, you'd be on a hiding to nothing, because you can't do it. He may not be able to control it himself - I'm on the fence about whether it's a disease or a choice - but you have no power over him. The only person whose actions and thoughts you can control is you.

Try to look after yourself first of all. Either with him, or by leaving. Nobody here is going to criticise you for staying, because most of us have stayed, for far longer than we should have. We've been there, and we remember. Baby steps. Eat, sleep, and if it feels right for you to leave, then go. Just to the petrol station cafe, then the next one. We'll be here to hold your hand.

How are you, lovely?

Hi vxm - how are you and your ds

Hope you are ok - come back if you fancy a chat

0p...the only reason I took my alcoholic ex back was because he went on a clean Program and decided for himself he'd rather keep his family than his drink. He has been teetotal for 18months and is now training for a triathlon. No way did I want to put up with his abusive behaviour. It was always worse after he finished a bottle ( he used to have a bottle a night on his own).

Dp is not cured but he feels in control. He even declined going to a new years eve party because at this time, he can't be near alcohol. It's something we both have to live with but the positives have been really good for us since we both recognise his limits. Which is no alcohol at all.
I think you have no choice but to leave him or take some time out because until your dp experiences a consequence or a loss due to his actions, he will feel no reason to change. And you'll be unhappy continuous or. Those are the words from my dp BTW.

He hasn't drank since the Christmas break.....but he is abusive & angry with the world.I feel ashamed & got sick of moaning. Thankyou everyone that stuck by me.I rea

He hasn't drank since the Christmas break.....but he is abusive & angry with the world.I feel ashamed & got sick of moaning. Thankyou everyone that stuck by me.I rea

I really want this marriage to work but I can't get him to engage.

OP sorry you are still struggling with this... Did he stop drinking at your instigation? And do you think he could be being shitty as a result of withdrawal? Or is he just showing that his true colours are abusive and the alcohol is a separate issue?

Vxm - you can't make him do anything. He needs to want to engage with you.......I'm sorry

OP

I know you are emotionally trapped at the moment, you are still in an abusive relationship? I just wanted to ask you about your son? Surely you must see the sooner you get him out of this horrible environment the better. It's not just about you, you chose to have a child with an abusive alcoholic, you knew what your husband was like before you had your son and now at his age he is absorbing everything around him and is already learning about dysfunctional relationships...You are doing SO much more damage by staying in this shitty relationship. Please seriously have a think about what is actually going on here and what your son needs and deserves from you. Harsh but unfortunately true:( be strong.

He is a binge drinker & frequently stops drinking. I know my son is affected by the awful atmosphere & this will only become more detrimental to him. I have ill health so am unable to work. My family are hurt that I am suffering but keep hoping it will improve. It will devastate them if I leave.

I'm so upset. I know I need to go. I know my son deserves & needs better. If I leave h then I will move in with my parents. My D's loves his dad. I'm so angry that my D's & I are being pushed out of our home by a horrid bullying man.

Blushing how can I make him want to engage? I keep waiting for the day he is receptive. He has stopped drinking (so he was receptive then), he gave up smoking, he eats healthier. Iv told him not to fight in front of ds & mostly we don't (I know that doesn't make it any better). We are trying our hardest to find healthy ways of managing conflict & mostly it has improved. He is having stress at work & unable to take feedback. He's taking out that stress on us

Your family though do not have to live day to day with this unstable alcoholic do they?. They have no real idea of what alcoholism is (a family disease) and what effects it has on the family members of the alcoholic.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what has kept you within this to date?. You and your son in turn are both suffering now.

This does not get any better; marriage to an alcoholic is never anything other than a nightmare.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships, what is he learning here from the two of you?.

You have every right to be angry. You will never get him to engage.

Your parents hope that the situation will improve is just fantasy, and they clearly have no grasp of the reality of living with an alcoholic (unless there is alcoholism in either of their families and they have normalised it).

It's great news that you can move in with your parents, your son will have warm, loving environment around him and you will have some support.

You simply cannot remain within such a both abusive untenable situation. You were not put on this earth to be his punchbag.

You and DS will be completely destroyed if you do and your DS won't thank you for staying with such a man if you were to choose to either. He could well go onto despise you for staying and wonder of you why you put your drunkard of a H before him in his childhood.

You cannot make your H engage full stop. Its hard enough to change one of your own behaviours; trying to change someone else's is an exercise in futility.

I would read up on co-dependency as there are often elements of this within such dysfunctional relationships. Melodie Beattie's book Codependant No More is well worth a read as is you also talking to Al-anon.

You could wait a lifetime for him to have an epiphany which he likely will not have and the damage will be well and truly done by then.

You have a choice re this man; your son does not. Do you really want him growing up in such a poisonous and chaotic household?.

How long will you put up with this? Before you know it your ds will be all grown up and you will be stuck with this man forever,constantly justifying your life to yourself and your son.He won't change,there may be good days,weeks even months but it will never last and you know this.
Read again what you said about your ds,acting like the protector and joker to lighten the atmosphere,that's no life for a child.

I really appreciate people taking the time to post. I understand this is an emotive topic but I think some people are a bit bullying in how they talk.

I have had the same fears that my son will despise me for staying with a brd of a man.

I am financially dependent on H (not entitled to benefits). My parents will allow me to live with them but it will be a stigma & will have consequences on my sibling's marriages. It will also have an effect on parents health ( they are both disabled)

I promise I am not being selfish. I'm a wife mother & daughter. My son is more important to me than anyone & anything

Shandy. Ur right. I ask myself the same thing. Will D's understand that I left for his sake tho. He has no siblings. He loves his dad. He has a big house here. If I leave his dad we will be living 150 miles away, so contact will be reduced. We will also have to share a box room. He will not have the same freedom that he has in his own home