living with an abusive alcoholic

[vxm123]

I'm in a really unhappy marriage with a guy who won't control his drinking, and is emotionally abusive. I have a gorgeous 2 yr old & no support in rl. I didn't know where to post do hoping someone can point me in the right direction.

Hopefully this will be the right thing for dh too. I don't think drinking to excess makes him happy. I think it makes him feel ashamed and is a form of self-harm.

If this shocks him into not drinking then he can be a better father who lives longer & healthier without us here enabling & covering for him

Exactly - you and him don't need to be together to be good parents.......,this may be what he needs to help himself but only he decides that - remember he makes his own choices for his own life.

May be if he gets himself sorted...................

Actually, it's good this isn't your first rodeo. You are far from alone in having gone and returned in the past.

But there comes a point where it sticks, and what makes it stick is when it is no longer about choosing what you want, but what the people you love...need from you.

On top of what your son needs from you, the profundity of the love you once had, and the residue you still have, for your husband is what will get you through.

I know you'd give anything to give his child-self a do over, a parent who would chose right for him, no matter the cost to themselves, so his now could be so very different and demon-free

By being the parent who choses "no future demons" for her son, you don't just do right by your son, you honor the above too.

You can't do it for your husband, his child-self is a ghost. But you can save your husband from leaving this life knowing that he did to his child the same sort of life long, life changing damage that was done to him.

There are many ways of loving somebody. This is one. It's not HallMark. But it is real. It's not fluffy hearts and roses. But it is true.

For some of us the circumstances dictate that truely loving someone .... means having to leave, and stay gone.

I promise one day the above will make perfect sense, even if it seems like gibberish today.

It's like going to the doctor's. You know you don't feel well. You know there's something wrong & the doc says 'does it hurt here, does it hurt wen u do x' & u say yes, how did u know?

This is what this thread has been like. I didn't understand why it hurt do much I just knew that it did. You are like the doctor that understood my disease Carpe &it is so helpful hearing from people who have done it successfully/ been hurt it

Dh gives up alcohol all the time. But he never deals with the issues that make/made him drink. So I don't know if he's worse wen drunk or dry

It's fairly textbook, he clears up just a single sysmtom and not the actual cause. And the cuase will out even if one sysmtom is denied.

I'm not a "doctor", more like... have been a fellow sufferer of what ails you.

It is so much easier when you have The Map with all the landmines, pitfalls, boobytraps, treasure and power-ups all marked out on it. However you only get the perfect map for you...once you've done the walk. Cos you write a bit more of it after you just walked or staggered through a bit of it.

Which is entirely the wrong way around in terms of usefulness.

But, those of us with our laminated maps don't want to leave you wandering along blindfold if a glimpse at the maps we had to write might help.

Not one of us will tell the walk (stagger, stumble, fall,over, get back up again) was anything like easy. But then again all of us would tell you it was worth every bruise, sprain, fracture and blinding flash of pure pain along the way.

Your husband won't want or need to address the cause rather than the sysmtom while you are still there to be blamed as the "cause by proxy". I can't promise you he will ever address the cause. For his sake, your son's sake, I hope he does, and honors what it cost you to get him this shot at seeing the need to make real, rather tha token change. But that will be up to him. Just as it has always been.

He has a long, hard road ahead, even if really successful, really quickly he'll have several years of work before he will be "safe to love" again. But you are giving him his absolutely best shot and saving your son from inheriting his father's damage in the process.

Nobody can ask more of you than that. Not even you, your harshest critic.

You haven't just tried to fix things and make them work. By taking this step, you are fixing things and making them work. It doesn't end up in the confguration you wanted, but it will end up in the confguration that is needed. By being apart you are giving every single person concerned their best opportunity of avoiding the harsh future being written by month after month of staying together, all three of you trapped in a cycle created very very many decades ago.

We are taught almost exclusively that love is holding on. The truth is, love is also definitively letting go ... when the alternative is destructive for all concerned.

Thanks carpe xxxxxx

Carpe- you are a very special person. I hope that one day I am able to help someone as you have helped me. I shall probably refer back to your posts over the next few weeks. Thank you so much. I shall have a good night's sleep & be ready for tomorrow x

Sleep tight love.

Everything is going to be ok.

Good Luck vxm
Do whatever you need to to get through today. Tell yourself its a road trip, an adventure, just a visit, whatever.
You're doing a wonderful thing for your son and for yourself.
And although you can't cure your husband, don't for a moment think that leaving will do him any harm. Some people do turn their lives around and stop drinking and its not because their family stayed.

Morning lovely, hope you had a good sleep. Whatever you do today, I wish you strength and peace, and we are all here with you, even if you can't see us.

What Lizzie said.

We'll be in that car with you in spirit. All the way. Take it bit by bit, petrol station cafe to petrol station cafe if needs be. Don't look beyond the next small bite of the elephant.

((((((big fat hug)))))))

Wishing you the safest journey ahead. You're completely doing the right thing. The ball is in your court and you can keep it there. Don't let him bring you down as you have a life waiting for you to be lived and happily too.

Take your time and do not feel pressured. And when you can, engage the professional bodies and mumsnet to help you feel pressured.

Do not. Do not go back to him unless he can prove he is on the straight with Al anon etc..

My thoughts are with you.

I hope you are reading this safe and sound with your family.

If not, whatever happened, it's OK. We are still here.

My friend came before I could go. An unplanned social call on her part.

I havent spoken to dh since Xmas. He spoke with me today & said he knows his behaviour hasnt been nice. He feels I disengaged ages ago from the marriage. He thinks he has been carrying this marriage etc

I asked him if we could work on improving the marriage apart (?!) It was a civilised conversation. He wants to change. I know he will change. He asked for me to engage more. He can't see any love in my eyes.

He is unable to stop me leaving. I didn't have the heart to hurt him/ leave him lonely.

We have been married 7 years. We had a Rocky start to the marriage as I had an accident & was between life & death for a long time. He says this took a toll on him. I know that it changed everyone's perception of me. Both families (his & mine) were traumatised.

I have health issues but they are manageable. I can run a house ( but I don't have much confidence in making decisions)

I don't know.....thankyou everyone for showing me such kindness. I'm tired. I don't know what I'm saying. I think I might feel deflated. I'm not trapped, but I am sad. He can't keep pulling back like this

pls be careful. please. he will change again. he's in the remorse phase right now. it may not last

Love, it can and does take time to perculate. Sleep. Proper, non tense sleep. You must be on your knees.

Talk to him, but listen too. Not just to the words, but to how the words do or don't match action, to how they match previous promises that failed to materialise.

The advice here won't change. But neither will the support.

Did you tell your friend ? It will help if they don't know. Secrets are like prison cells, they lock you away from people.

And bear in mind, while he took a little blame for himself.... the bulk of it, he has placed..on you. But this.. was not your fault. You withdrew becuase of what he did, not he did it becuase you withdrew. That being the right way round is important.

You can't walk out that door for good to please us. It doesn't work like that. You have to do it for your son, for you and for your husband. You have to know why you are doing it, and believe it to be true. Just becuase it didn't happen today, does not mean you can't or won't. Just, you aren't there yet.

Take things a bit at a time over the next couple of days, don't be hard on yourself, don't write him any IOUs.

What worries me is that he's blaming you and you seem to believe him.

He can't really blaming you for not loving him anymore or for disengaging from an alcoholic abusive man.
He should work hard on becoming a better person and see if he could regain your trust and your love.
You don't have to do anything at this stage. It's all on him, really.

^ That.

Not right this minute if you are beyond taking in any more, but maybe reflect on what Lweji is highlighting over the next few days.

You don't have to justify yourself on here lovely, if you are tired and need more time to make a move, that's fine. You are clearly a kind and capable person, you will find the strength to make a good life for you and your son. It doesn't matter if it's not today.

Perhaps he doesn't see love in your eyes because you no longer love him? That's allowed, you know, to stop loving someone. Especially someone who has put up with what you have put up with. If he really wants to change, he has to do it, not say it. And he has to be prepared to do that even if you have moved out for a bit.

But whether you stay or go for now, we'll be here to listen if you want to tell us what's happening. I hope you feel a bit better after a sleep.

Everything that has been written is true. I am shocked at how much you all know about me. It has been many years since I had friends. People try to be my friend..... I thought I didn't know how to be friends, but I think Carpe was probably right in the prison thing (i'm sorry - I can't cut & past as I'm posting using an archaic phone)

I shall definately be reading & re-reading what people have posted. Things have made a lot of sense & I am so grateful

I know dh is twisting things & I know he's playing me. I need more ammunition to justify what I'm doing (to myself & to my son as he grows up)

I hate that he has destroyed this marriage & I have allowed him to. I feel like I need to get stronger before I leave.

I am using demonic iPad that doesn't seem to undersrand what key I am hitting, so know what you mean about phone.

But love, you spund so cut off, and so alone.

Your friend today, cpuld you confide in her ?

You seem to be doing just fine with us, I don't think the lack of friends is down to you, more the situation ypu are living in.

Hard to connect when you are occupied with insutlating all your access points, in case somebosy finds out ... the secret.

Don't see today as a set back, it's a process. Each "two steps forward, one step back" event... it's still moving in the right direction.

You don't have to justify youself to your husband.

Rhe onlymperson you will have to justify yourself to is your grown son. And he will get it.

But post what you thikn people will say to challenge you, and let's see if we can provide answers that make sense to you.

About being strong enough.

When I cancelled another flight home, somebody, I barelt knew said something to me, that got me on the next flight ai booked.

"You don't need to get strong to leave, you need to leave to get strong"

She nailed it

I was as weak as a kitten when I got on the plane. Didn't build muscle mass until I had had time to recover, regroup, recalibrate my mind to my thinking, not his. I had to leave to do that. ait would never have happened while ai was still there, becuase i was... kind of brainwahsed I think. Can't describe it, but it was like my own lens kept getting pulled out, and replaced with his. And so all my actions were controlled by his cision of them, not mine. And all of that was happening in my very own head.

I had to leave to even see my situation fully, truthfully, from mynown perspective rather thna his.