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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

living with an abusive alcoholic

127 replies

vxm123 · 26/12/2013 00:40

I'm in a really unhappy marriage with a guy who won't control his drinking, and is emotionally abusive. I have a gorgeous 2 yr old & no support in rl. I didn't know where to post do hoping someone can point me in the right direction.

OP posts:
CarpeVinum · 27/12/2013 14:56

If you are in Britian(?) I hear they have wifi hotspots and things in some cafes and other eateries. Is there something like that in your area ?

LizzieVereker · 27/12/2013 15:06

Been lurking vxm and don't want to interfere with advice as Carpe is much wiser than me!

I once had to walk away from every single material thing I had with a tiny baby, for similar reasons, and it was hard for a while but it was fine in the end. I have peace now, and DS is absolutely fine, more than fine.

Leaving is the right thing to do, if you need to go today, go today. Tomorrow you will wake up and you and DS will be safe. You will be OK, and I am squeezing your hand right now.

Blushingm · 27/12/2013 15:16

If it feels too much, put a change of clothes etched in the car now with your documents. You don't have to leave now, just put the stuff in the car.

Like carpe says go to a cafe (or shhhhhhhh mcdonalds, they have wifi) and sit with your son and have a cake and cuppa, you could be really bad and let him have a fruit shoot!

We are all here if you need to chat.

Sit and think where you are free to think...........you can go home (fill the car with petrol on the way). You can go today - the car is ready with bags and fuel. You can go calmly this evening and ds can sleep, you can put on music and just drive. Or you can go tomorrow.

If everything is ready - you can take a deep breath, pick up your hand bag strap ds in and go.................as soon as you feel you can. Whenever you feel you can.

Original poster
vxm123 · 27/12/2013 15:20

Parents are away from home. So they're not back till tomorrow. Ds looks so content. Mommy & daddy are both at home. It's a bit quiet (but maybe he's used to that?)

I can try going to a cafe. Dh is major sulker & strop-er too. & likes to blame me for everything.

I have left here so many times. I go for a break & come back when I can as I so wanted this marriage to work.

OP posts:
Original poster
vxm123 · 27/12/2013 15:23

Yes. I will go & put petrol in & put some clothes in the car. (although I have done all this on previous occasions too)

OP posts:
Squeegle · 27/12/2013 15:24

vxm. I totally get that about you wanting the marriage to work. I was like that too. I tried SO hard. I bet you have too. Things changed when I got it at last (it took me about 10 years!). He needs to try too! It is very dispiriting when you're the one bending over backwards and no ones supporting you.

CarpeVinum · 27/12/2013 15:24

^^ What Blushing said.

An options open, non boxed in, not written in stone, no big deal wander out the house for a cup of coffee and something to eat.

To give little boy a break from the atmosphere at home.

And you a chance to just sit and be, rather than have to absorb the crushing weight of the pressure at home.

Blushingm · 27/12/2013 15:27

Vxm - if anything it will keep you busy for half an hour - thinking can be exhausting!!!!

Ds doesn't understand what's going on so will be contented - he has mummy and daddy home right now - but he will be even happier with a happy/relaxed/calm mum forever

CarpeVinum · 27/12/2013 15:29

A marriage can't work if one person is designated the sole meccanic.

A marriage can't work if one person is dugging ruddy great holes in the foundation, quicker than thenother can mix cement to patch up the damage.

A marriage can't work if one person left ages ago, leaving a shell of who they used to in their place.

Your marriage didn't work, but not becuase of a lack of trying on your part, but judt like clapping, it takes two, not one.

Do any neighbours have the keys to your parents place or do you know who holds their spare emergecny set ?

LizzieVereker · 27/12/2013 15:43

Do you feel safe to stay tonight? I'm a bit worried about how your DH might wind himself up and behave if he thinks you might leave tomorrow.

Have you got money for a Travelodge? This would give you 24 hours to rest and get your head together before you go to family tomorrow. You just need a couple of changes of clothes for you and DS, nappies and whatever he needs to get to sleep. If you are able to get a few most important documents even better. It will only take 30 mins to pack and you'll be able to breath again. Everything else can be collected for you or with you by family, later on. DS can watch CBeebies and bounce on a big Travelodge bed with you for a day.

Original poster
vxm123 · 27/12/2013 15:52

I'm safe. Dh has never been violent - he knows better than that.

OP posts:
LizzieVereker · 27/12/2013 16:03

That's entirely your call, you sound very sensible and brave, so I know you'll do the right thing for your boy.

Do you know what did it for me? I remember seeing some random drunk men, I think it was in a restaurant, and I remember asking myself, would I invite one of those men into my home? Would I want them to try and pick DS up? Would I want DS to listen to their self centred drunken rambling for an hour or two? Even without them being violent, I still wouldn't accept any of those things from a stranger. But I was accepting then from DH and it wasn't OK to put my son in that position, and he was too little to choose.

I'm not having a go at you, just saying it's OK not to accept living with a drinker regardless of non violence Thanks. And choosing not to do that will be so much better than how you feel now.

AnandaTimeIn · 27/12/2013 17:08

You owe it to the two of you to get out. You both deserve so much better!

It might even work for him to wake up and smell the coffee but that is not your call.

You have let this man undermine your emotional and physical health (that is not a judgement, I'm stating it as a fact).

You are confused, afraid, exhausted, can't eat....

You and your son need you to be strong, to be there for him, and you. Don't let ANY man undermine you love!

I was in an (emotional, physical etc.) abusive marriage. I got out. My son is 22 and has had such a much better life and upbringing more without his father in it than in it.
I don't even want to think what would have happened if he'd been around. My son would've been a whole different personality.

It's not easy but so much more relaxed and peaceful doing it alone.

Oh, and there's no such thing as a "broken family" (unless social PITAs, as in terrorising neighbourhoods, etc.).

A mother (or father) and children alone = IS a family.

Wishing you all the best and a great future! And it WILL be a great future!

Listen to the wise posters here. Carpe Vinum (they all do) speaks wise words and am loving her amazing analogies.

Blushingm · 27/12/2013 17:28

How are you vxm?

Did you go to the cafe and for fuel?

Does anyone have a spare key to your parents house if you wanted to go today? I'm just thinking if ds can sleep all the way you could just listen to music and drive without worrying if he's upset etc?

CarpeVinum · 27/12/2013 17:33

It's half past six here in Italy.

I'm hoping you have been able to eat something. Take your time with little boy's bathtime/bedtime tonight. Lose yourself in his smile, his pout, his "one more story". Even in the macroworld of your home, you can find a miniworld haven to lose yourself in 100 % to give you a break from Big Scary Stuff.... focus on the right here, right now wants, needs and gives of your little boy.

Hold tight lovie, nearly there. Today was the worst bit.

We'll still be here if you need us. I am an hour ahead of you and go up really late.

Blushingm · 27/12/2013 17:36

It's only 5.30 here and I got up late so I will be around for a while if you just want me to listen? I'm not as good at all this as carpe but I try! Xx

CarpeVinum · 27/12/2013 17:45

Yes you are. Every bit as good.

I have been awed by the warmth in the "voices" of the women on this thread.

I wish the internet had been invented rather ealier than it was. I'd carry far fewer very faded scars if I had had the chance to surround myself with women like the posters on here.

Blushingm · 27/12/2013 18:50

Vxm - just checking and giving a bump

Hope you're ok

LizzieVereker · 27/12/2013 18:53

I'll be up early in the morning if you can't sleep Brew

Original poster
vxm123 · 27/12/2013 18:54

I feel so much better having got out of the house for a bit.

Everyone has been fantastic & v understanding. Cv has given so much warmth & seems to get me.

Blushing - don't be hard on urself. It's so useful hearing your experience & everyone else's. I'm saf that you suffered blushing but I'm grateful that you don't want any other child to go through that.

Thankyou all so much for taking the time to post for me. I shall be grateful for the rest of my life.

OP posts:
CarpeVinum · 27/12/2013 19:05

I'm so glad you got out for a while love.

Is it possible to do a really "squeeze every ounce of pleasure out of it, take your time" bathtime and bedtime for little boy ?

I've found that when my boy was tiny, if I could lose myself completely in making hum drum stuff like that my Big Only Focus, not only did he love it, but I got a break from any Huge Big Stuff I needed out of my head for a while.

If you think you might have trouble sleeping, take the internet to bed with you if you can.

Worst is nearly over. The waiting to do is far harder than the doing.

Blushingm · 27/12/2013 19:06

It's nothing - I just want your ds to be happy and for you to be happy too

Alcohol can turn the most caring loving person into someone unrecognisable. But the person chooses to drink - they put the drink ahead of everything - they may not consciously do that but they do it all the same. My life has been messed up by it thanks to my mum - I can't remember a time she didn't drink or a time when I didn't think think it was because of my failings - I'm just trying my best not to mess up my own kids lives

You can change that for your little one - soon he won't remember the atmosphere, he won't remember you feeling so terrible and being so sad, he won't detest the sight of his dad, he won't find himself lying to friends and family, he won't feel worthless, he will be able to trust people, he will feel secure - because of you! You can ensure all of this won't be his life - it won't be your life either.

Original poster
vxm123 · 27/12/2013 19:34

Yep. My son is my salvation. Because of him I feel worth more & it is harder for me to take this crap. Fingers crossed I can give him a happy childhood.

I actually feel do much better knowing that tomorrow I will be out of here. (just hope I can keep the separation going - I normally come running back after a couple of weeks)

OP posts:
Blushingm · 27/12/2013 19:38

You can keep it going - if you feel yourself waivering come here and read this. Or pm me or carpe (I don't think she'd mind) and we can listen

Being away from a situation tricks your mind into thinking it wasn't all that bad, or I'm sure I was over reacting...............its like childbirth Smile

You must keep believing you're doing the right thing for the 2 of you - and even the right thing for your dh!

AnandaTimeIn · 27/12/2013 19:44

I am an hour ahead of you and go up really late.

me too.